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Jack and Jill: The Real Story

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Jack and Jill went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water,

Jack fell down and broke his crown,

And Jill came tumbling after.


Let’s parse apart this story here. Water flows downhill, not up. The place to fetch it, if the well was dug where it’s naturally suitable for a well to be, would be down the hill. So what were Jack and Jill really going up the hill for?

“To fetch a pail of water,” the lads at the tavern said, with ribald laughter and winks and nudges. 

“She’ll break his crown, all right!” the washerwomen at the stream said with the same laughter and winks.

You see, “to break one’s crown” was once slang for losing one’s virginity. And “fetch a pail of water,” well, the context should tell you what that meant.

Jack and Jill were not, contrary to what the storybook illustrations would have you believe, children. They were not brother and sister. They were not related at all. Good thing. This is not an incest story.

No, Jack was a young man of the village, who’d gotten concerned that he was missing out, seeing as how he’d nearly reached the age of one-and-twenty and was still a virgin. Jill was the very lass to help him out with that problem. She was scarcely any older than he was, but she had a big heart and, while she preferred not to be tied down to any man, she loved all the activities a woman could get up to with a man, if he was willing. 

So when Jack fell down and broke his crown, no harm was done him. And when Jill came tumbling after, she showed him what he’d been missing and then some. It surpassed his wildest dreams.


Then up Jack got and home did trot,

As fast as he could caper,

To Old Dame Dob, who patched his knob

With vinegar and brown paper.


Some say this part of the rhyme was invented to sanitize the tale. Vinegar and brown paper was the icepack of old. Brown paper was a thick kind of paper that did not fall apart when soaked, and vinegar has antiseptic and anti-inflammatory properties. Put that on a bruise, and it would help the healing. Often done for children who’d bumped their heads.

But here’s what really happened: Jack got concerned, once the deed was done, that Jill might have given him something, seeing as how she’d gotten around. There was no HIV back then, but there were plenty of other nasty diseases that spread the same way, and since cheap, comfortable condoms had yet to be invented, post exposure prophylaxis was the way to go.

Old Dame Dob was the village midwife. A midwife’s job was not just birthing babies, but taking care of everyone’s health, reproductive and otherwise. She knew what to do for a man who’d just potentially been exposed.

Vinegar’s antiseptic properties could theoretically work against syphilis or gonorrhea or other great scourges (but don’t use it instead of medical attention, please!) and if that was what you had, that was what you tried. (Jill was not as concerned, because she knew how to protect herself: she inserted half a lemon before the act. That’s actually not uncomfortable, and modern research suggests that it may very well be effective against both STDs and sperm.) And no, in case you haven’t already figured it out, it was not the head on Jack’s shoulders that needed patching.


When Jill came in, how she did grin

To see Jack’s paper plaster,

Mother whipped her across her knee

For causing Jack’s disaster.


Jill did think it was hilarious when she saw what Jack had done to himself. But what’s this nonsense about Mother? These were not children.

No, Jack spanked her and whipped her himself. Across his knee, for starters. Then in every position every which way from Sunday and with every implement he could think to try.

He scolded her for laughing at his disaster and for making it necessary to see the midwife in the first place, which made Jill laugh all the more, between her yells of pain and ecstasy… and suggest what implement her naughty bottom deserved next.

But soon Jack had to save his breath and his strength for attending to Jill and her naughty bottom, which was turning nicely red and striped. And Jill was experiencing such ecstasy as never before. She came so many times that Jack had to pause just to let her breathe.


Now Jack did laugh and Jill did cry

But her tears did soon abate,

Then Jill did say that they should play

At see-saw on the gate.


No one had ever spanked Jill to tears before. Even now, she only cried a little, at the end, and that only because the last flurry of whacks came so fast.

But when they were both spent from that, Jack felt a stirring in his groin again, and figured that since he’d applied the vinegar so recently, it would probably keep him safe enough for another go. And Jill’s orgasms had only been the beginning. Feeling the soreness and stripes on her bottom, pressed against Jack, excited her all the more.

I will leave it to your imagination, dear reader, what position “see-saw on the gate” was. You may be more creative than I.

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I'd say she was on top!

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Ehhhh, color me skeptical.  My sources tell me this is just a straight forward nursery rhyme.   Some folks have wild imaginations hehe.   

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