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Chawsee

Long-Term Success of DD Marriages?

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Hey Friends!

I'm seeking input from those in long-term, committed DD marriages. I'm a member of another forum that discusses DD topics, and I've heard hearty enthusiasm from people who advocate this lifestyle. One common thread I keep noticing, though, is dysfunction that emerges in many of these relationships after awhile. What starts out as an incredibly harmonious and bonding dynamic eventually deteriorates into power struggles, surfacing resentments, and/or issues with the submissive partner's self-esteem. Can anyone who's in a genuine committed DD relationship weigh in on this? Would you say these are common challenges, or does it just seem that way because those struggling are the ones seeking help on forums? 

Thank you!  Respectfully, Chawsee

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Hi Chawsee,

I can't comment on the long term part of it.  My husband and I have been marroed for 5 yrs but only started a DD - Ds style relationship in February.  I will say, it has been fraught with pitfalls.  Lol.  Our marriage was pretty easy before for the most part... But there has had to be a lot of communication several misunderstandings, and more tears (caused both by spanking and nonspanking reasons) than either of us were used to or expected.  For me.it is usually because I want MORE ALPHADOM, and he is afraid he is going to hurt or  change me.  He is smart, I can see little changes in simple things I do already. 

I can see how it could lead to long term discord in the relationship.  But I don't   think it is MORE than a vanilla relation ship if done carefully and with love, just different issues. I could he horrobly wrong though.  

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I think this will depend on the couple.

My husband and I practiced DD for 15 years. We had amazing success. I think it saved us a lot of arguments and grief over the years.

I had a lot more experience than he did so we took it very slow in the beginning. We talked a lot, made and changed rules until things became smooth and read a lot of books.

It helped that he wasn't a control freak and didn't want to micro-manage me. I worked at home 12 hours a day, took care of our 2 kids and maintained a household. He tended to step in the most when I became overwhelmed and frustrated. We did maintenance sessions every other week...that helped.

My self esteem never suffered. I was very happy with our arrangement. We didn't have power struggles. It wasn't like he spanked me for no reason or on a daily basis....so no resentment from the DD lifestyle.

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2 hours ago, shygurl said:

I think this will depend on the couple.

My husband and I practiced DD for 15 years. We had amazing success. I think it saved us a lot of arguments and grief over the years.

I had a lot more experience than he did so we took it very slow in the beginning. We talked a lot, made and changed rules until things became smooth and read a lot of books.

It helped that he wasn't a control freak and didn't want to micro-manage me. I worked at home 12 hours a day, took care of our 2 kids and maintained a household. He tended to step in the most when I became overwhelmed and frustrated. We did maintenance sessions every other week...that helped.

My self esteem never suffered. I was very happy with our arrangement. We didn't have power struggles. It wasn't like he spanked me for no reason or on a daily basis....so no resentment from the DD lifestyle.

Hi Shygurl

Thank you for being willing to post this and for your incredible contributions to this great site.

Would you be willing to tell us more about the mechanics of how this worked? It seems to me that your relationship is different from any of the ones that I’ve heard about. Yours sound very helpful, balanced and sane   
i’m especially interested in how you decided on the rules, what actually triggered a spanking, and the fact that you didn’t resent the arrangement or him. This actually sounds wonderful to me  also appears that you completely retained your sense of being an autonomous person v

May I ask how you decided to enter this arrangement and what caused you to terminate it?

I think you to help a lot of us because there are many people who are doing this arrangement very differently than you are with what appears to me to be disastrous results.

 

Thank you,

 

John

 

 

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My first DD marriage began right from the start.  It lasted just over 7 years before the marriage fell apart, with nothing to do with the DD aspect.   Since then I met another Dominant female and have lived with her for over 11 years in a female-led, D/s, DD relationship and household.  Only economic issues keep us from marring.  We bith feel the DD lifestyle has benefited us.  Our major contribution would be communication.  We discussed everything fully before I actually moved in.  Our agreement, covenants, duties, chores, list of offenses, house and behavior rules and predetermined punishments were all discussed, at length, tweaked until both agreed to all.  We each made a list of what we expected from each other and the relationship itself.  It has worked very well for us in the 11 years it has been running.  I would not want to live in any other manor.  For more details, contact me here or message me.

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This is hearsay, not personal interaction with DD.  I have been told by a few DD couples --all in which the man is dominant-- that it works so long as the man (1) has a job or profession and (2) is really serious about it, strict even.  If either one of those two things isn't working, the DD relationship falls apart.  Again this is hearsay, so take with your allocation of grains of salt.

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With due respect to Chastner, I know of many female led DD relationships working well and have been for many years.   I am not well versed in male led relationships so I cannot comment.  Perhaps the the two main ingredients he refers to are necessary for the folks he has talked to, but many long term DD relationships I know about are working for those couples.

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I would love to see some real research on this topic. I’ve always been curious but you just can’t rely on anecdotal evidence. That doesn’t dispute the fact that there’s some folks that are making this work. I’m not judging it. I’m just curious. I think I’m going to head over to fit and see if any of the smart folks over there have done any structured research. Some of them are academics and eventually studied S&M and published in journals. We’ll see what they say

'
 

 

 

 

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That should’ve been head over to Fet. As in FetLife

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I'm not going to go into deep detail, but I entered into a DD marriage because I am a natural born submissive. I had been with a guy for a year and a half (before my husband) who trained me as a submissive. (The kneeling, Yes Sir/No Sir, you choose my wardrobe, activities, etc kind of thing) Although I didn't want to live as a deep submissive like this man wanted, I did want a submissive lifestyle. I was happy for the training I had. It taught me a lot and showed me what I did and didn't want for my life. I knew a DD relationship was the only type that would make me happy for a lifetime. I just turned 50 and I have never been in a vanilla relationship. I wouldn't know how to do it.

There was a lot to working out the mechanics of our relationship, especially because I wanted a lifetime 24/7 commitment to Domestic Discipline. I think we worked on things over a 3 month period before we really came to concrete decisions. We didn't have the internet so it involved a lot of talking, talking to friends of mine who were into the lifestyle, reading books, etc. I also had to make sure he understood that there is no right or wrong way for DD, it's what works for each individual couple.

My rules were simple, he wasn't a control freak and I didn't need to be micro-managed. Some had to do with medical needs. I had a history of migraines and digestive issues. I tended not to slow down and address those issues when I needed to. He stepped in when I didn't.  I ran our household, a daycare and took care of our two kids. I got overwhelmed at times. I had rules that tried to prevent this. I had a lot of paperwork to keep up with and I hated that part. I had a rule about having all my paperwork done by Sunday evening each week. I  broke that one too often. When I did get overwhelmed I could get an attitude and I think most of my spankings came from that. By attitude, I mean being overly cranky and snarky towards him, especially when he was trying to help me.

As I said before...it's going to depend on the couple involved. I am one of those people who don't believe in arguing, remaining angry with someone or walking away without being willing to come back and talk when both parties have calmed down. I don't see the sense in name calling and blame. It takes two!! Communication is important and arguing solves absolutely nothing.  I won't argue. If I get angry or upset, I might close down for a short time or walk away to calm down, but then I will come back and have a fully open discussion about it. I want things fixed, not glossed over. I think that was a major key in our relationship being a success. He felt the same way.

I had no reason to resent him or the relationship. It was my idea to begin with and he spanked to help me...not to control or belittle me. Most of my rules we agreed on together. He sat up a couple on his own, but I knew they were for my own good. He listened when I needed to talk, never shut me down, but ultimately had the last say on things. It worked for us. I was very happy and secure in my relationship.

My relationship was terminated when my husband passed away. 

I have been in my current relationship for almost 9 years now and it is very similar in its type of rules, expectations, etc. We don't argue. We have rules based on my health and well being. Punishments match the crimes, etc. I'm perfectly content.

I think the reason many of these relationships don't work is a lack of communication and having outrageous rules. etc. Couples go in head first with rules and ideas that can never work in a long term setting. They need to take it slow and have realistic expectations.

 

 

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   I'm younger and never married. If it wasn't I'll say DD since the thread is named that I wasn't gonna commit. I started having sex pretty young though I'm not sure if I'm into Males or Females more,looks definitely count but it's not what most would consider the best looking-like models. I'm supposed to be attractive,when I was young someone decided that I was going to be,had work done,eating disorder,learned to looksmax and I never thought I was done so attention was some sort of proof. And I got to be called a slut too. Of course I burnt out,things happened,early start made Vanilla sex boring quick and the internet backs you on any curiosity you've ever had,did cam girl for just cuz. My first LTR came after when the people I thought didn't care enough really didn't know. Realize that you are shit as a person (actually taught to be one but that took a minute) and no one deserves to be stuck with you. I met someone my age and started to pick up on what they like and actually talked to them instead of figuring out a way to get what you want and actually last 6 months when considering my age and never with the same person over a week feel better. Didn't even break up so much as both of us moved on-I didn't even have a replacement hired. I still talk to that person. I would have probably ended up an escort or made content. I didn't need money it just seemed inevitable. Also when people start telling me how great I am I start asking what they're getting paid to tell me that. I'm not that great. Every person who I've been with for any real length of time has had the chance to hurt me REALLY bad-I don't have safewords because it ruins things and yes they got it but were also concerned. Not that everyone into this is so kind. It just made things worth taking seriously. I feel more comfortable I guess. 

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On 7/7/2020 at 6:34 AM, Drave said:

Am I to assume that 'DD' is Daddy Dom? Domestic Discipline?  It actually makes no difference what the terms used are ... These Dom/sub relationships all fail for the exact same basic reason: Personal growth.

Whatever one wishes to call this relationship behaviour, supposedly one person is in overall control and the other not .... Now a good question is why does someone want to control another person and why does the other person want that control?  More importantly, can the one in control, as time moves forward, relinquish that control without feeling 'lessened'.

Without going into deep personal details, when I met my wife she did something to me that no person had ever done before (or since) .... She made me feel peaceful inside just by her presence. It was astounding then and is still just as astounding now.

From day one I have pushed Z to expand herself, expand her knowledge, expand her horizons, her self esteem and value to herself. For I do not want anything but a 100% equal partner .... we both know a great deal, but together we are basically invincible.

It is a reality that as the submissive stabilises because the relationship stabilises them, that they will want to grow. They need to grow and have to grow ... The Dom has to be not only ready for change but must encourage it ... because whether the Dom wants it or not, it will happen.

The DD I'm referring to here is domestic discipline. There are aspects of DD that concern me, too. I suspect that most psychologists would explain this lifestyle as functioning at a high level of unhealthy codependency. I've also noticed patterns of issues in the submissives I've observed. Yet the dynamics are different for every couple, and some swear by this lifestyle. I think the dom/domme should be an individual of integrity and kindness who doesn't let the power get to their head. In the meantime, I'm reaching out to those with experience to teach me, since education is the best weapon against ignorance. 

I admire your wife's ability to make you feel peaceful inside just by her presence. What a noteworthy quality for a mate to possess.

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On 7/7/2020 at 9:32 PM, Lita said:

I'm younger and never married. If it wasn't I'll say DD since the thread is named that I wasn't gonna commit. I started having sex pretty young though I'm not sure if I'm into Males or Females more,looks definitely count but it's not what most would consider the best looking-like models. I'm supposed to be attractive,when I was young someone decided that I was going to be,had work done,eating disorder,learned to looksmax and I never thought I was done so attention was some sort of proof. And I got to be called a slut too. Of course I burnt out,things happened,early start made Vanilla sex boring quick and the internet backs you on any curiosity you've ever had,did cam girl for just cuz. My first LTR came after when the people I thought didn't care enough really didn't know. Realize that you are shit as a person (actually taught to be one but that took a minute) and no one deserves to be stuck with you. I met someone my age and started to pick up on what they like and actually talked to them instead of figuring out a way to get what you want and actually last 6 months when considering my age and never with the same person over a week feel better. Didn't even break up so much as both of us moved on-I didn't even have a replacement hired. I still talk to that person. I would have probably ended up an escort or made content. I didn't need money it just seemed inevitable. Also when people start telling me how great I am I start asking what they're getting paid to tell me that. I'm not that great. Every person who I've been with for any real length of time has had the chance to hurt me REALLY bad-I don't have safewords because it ruins things and yes they got it but were also concerned. Not that everyone into this is so kind. It just made things worth taking seriously. I feel more comfortable I guess. 

What does all this gibberish have to do with DD?

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Has anyone heard of a mutual DD marriage?  It woud e my ultimate goal.  I wonder if it would solve any of the problems discussed in this thread.

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3 hours ago, KentuckyGuy said:

Has anyone heard of a mutual DD marriage?  It woud e my ultimate goal.  I wonder if it would solve any of the problems discussed in this thread.

There's a member on here, RandE, who's in one. He hasn't posted in this thread, though.

While I can't speak from personal experience, most of the DD marriages I've heard of (online--I don't know anyone irl who's in one, at least not that I'm aware of) consist of a dominant husband and submissive wife. Seems to me that's the extreme version of traditional patriarchal marriage. I suspect that's a big contributing factor in all of those problems. If female led (or same gender) DD marriages actually do work out better, maybe that's because they're turning patriarchy on its head.

There's also the power factor. Even in vanilla relationships, a big problem some people have is a tendency to give their own innate personal power away to their partner, disempowering themselves. D/s could simply be playing with that dynamic without really making it too serious--kind of, to my mind, like playing with fear and sense of danger by watching a horror movie or riding a roller coaster instead of putting yourself in real danger--but it seems to me that it could also present a very real and all the more extreme temptation for one person to give their power away and the other to take it and keep it. 

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7 hours ago, KentuckyGuy said:

Has anyone heard of a mutual DD marriage?  It woud e my ultimate goal.  I wonder if it would solve any of the problems discussed in this thread.

Yes! You're referring to a co-DD arrangement. This is what actually appeals most to me. The famous old Spencer Spanking Plan was a perfect example. Balanced, fair, and both people get spanked. Heaven on earth! :) 

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23 minutes ago, Chawsee said:

Yes! You're referring to a co-DD arrangement. This is what actually appeals most to me. The famous old Spencer Spanking Plan was a perfect example. Balanced, fair, and both people get spanked. Heaven on earth! :) 

My idea of heaven! 

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7 hours ago, Bramblewine said:

While I can't speak from personal experience, most of the DD marriages I've heard of (online--I don't know anyone irl who's in one, at least not that I'm aware of) consist of a dominant husband and submissive wife. Seems to me that's the extreme version of traditional patriarchal marriage. I suspect that's a big contributing factor in all of those problems. If female led (or same gender) DD marriages actually do work out better, maybe that's because they're turning patriarchy on its head.

There's also the power factor. Even in vanilla relationships, a big problem some people have is a tendency to give their own innate personal power away to their partner, disempowering themselves. D/s could simply be playing with that dynamic without really making it too serious--kind of, to my mind, like playing with fear and sense of danger by watching a horror movie or riding a roller coaster instead of putting yourself in real danger--but it seems to me that it could also present a very real and all the more extreme temptation for one person to give their power away and the other to take it and keep it. 

FLRs (female-led relationships) are quite common in the spanking and larger BDSM communities, and they are just as prone to an abuse of power as are male-led relationships. I have personally stumbled upon some FLR websites where women in this lifestyle shamelessly promote demeaning treatment toward, and even cruel domination over, male submissives. Women are every bit as capable of egoic power trips as are men. I see no benefit in searing the opposite sex with remarks against their gender. The majority of men I've known are polite, respectful, and more than willing to be honest, trustworthy friends. Sometimes what we decide about people is what we experience in our interactions with them. 

I do agree with your concern about individuals giving away their power to their partner. This can have unfortunate consequences. Yet I don't want to insinuate that all DD relationships share the same challenges. Some are constructed conscientiously, and are very loving and supportive, bringing to the submissive the sense of being cared for and protected. So when I express my concerns about this lifestyle, I'm also aware that every pairing has a different dynamic, and the challenges some DD couples set up for themselves would never be an issue for other DD couples. 

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13 hours ago, Chawsee said:

FLRs (female-led relationships) are quite common in the spanking and larger BDSM communities, and they are just as prone to an abuse of power as are male-led relationships. I have personally stumbled upon some FLR websites where women in this lifestyle shamelessly promote demeaning treatment toward, and even cruel domination over, male submissives. Women are every bit as capable of egoic power trips as are men. I see no benefit in searing the opposite sex with remarks against their gender. The majority of men I've known are polite, respectful, and more than willing to be honest, trustworthy friends. Sometimes what we decide about people is what we experience in our interactions with them. 

I do agree with your concern about individuals giving away their power to their partner. This can have unfortunate consequences. Yet I don't want to insinuate that all DD relationships share the same challenges. Some are constructed conscientiously, and are very loving and supportive, bringing to the submissive the sense of being cared for and protected. So when I express my concerns about this lifestyle, I'm also aware that every pairing has a different dynamic, and the challenges some DD couples set up for themselves would never be an issue for other DD couples. 

Someone up thread suggested that female led works out better. No idea if that's true, of course. But that suggestion was what I was responding to.

The concern about power also applies to vanilla relationships. Perhaps even more so, in some cases, because the more conventional a couple is, sexually or otherwise, the more they can get away with just assuming and not negotiating. Vanilla couples often don't negotiate much if any of what they'll do sexually, beyond initially agreeing to sleep together. Non-vanilla couples know that negotiation is needed right off the bat.

But if you put DD into the mix, then power issues are unavoidable. If done well, I could see DD being a way to consciously handle the power issues, but is it always done so consciously? I don't know what the exact issues are that you're seeing in the submissives in those relationships, but I'm wondering if perhaps they're people who are prone to giving their power away, and they've taken it to the extreme in a DD relationship? That would also mean that their dominant partners are willing to take that power over them, and that too could go to the extreme with DD.

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14 hours ago, Chawsee said:

FLRs (female-led relationships) are quite common in the spanking and larger BDSM communities, and they are just as prone to an abuse of power as are male-led relationships. I have personally stumbled upon some FLR websites where women in this lifestyle shamelessly promote demeaning treatment toward, and even cruel domination over, male submissives. Women are every bit as capable of egoic power trips as are men. I see no benefit in searing the opposite sex with remarks against their gender. The majority of men I've known are polite, respectful, and more than willing to be honest, trustworthy friends. Sometimes what we decide about people is what we experience in our interactions with them. 

I do agree with your concern about individuals giving away their power to their partner. This can have unfortunate consequences. Yet I don't want to insinuate that all DD relationships share the same challenges. Some are constructed conscientiously, and are very loving and supportive, bringing to the submissive the sense of being cared for and protected. So when I express my concerns about this lifestyle, I'm also aware that every pairing has a different dynamic, and the challenges some DD couples set up for themselves would never be an issue for other DD couples. 

at the end of the day it works the same as any relationship all are open to abuse, any submissive giving control away to another is a huge step and you have to be careful, there has to be a balance of sorts, and always takes 2 working in the same direction for it to work 

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If I could find this kind of relationship. Chawsee, I'd give up everything.  Probably just too old now.

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I know that spanking is an integral part of my own psyche, something that at times as been hard to accept, but I've come to terms with it.  But when you stated you'd "give up everything" to be in a DD relationship, it struck me as unhealthy.  Granted I don't know you, and I'm not trying to be judgmental, lord knows I have plenty of flaws as a human being.  But the willingness to give up all your other uniqueness as a person to satisfy this one aspect of your life seems like a fools errand. In my experience, most relationships between people are complex, and at times hard.  Spanking adds a level of complexity that I think is a bit above the normal "stirring the oatmeal" tasks of being with another person. I would never rush to give up all that I am just to fulfill something that can be rather fleeting. If mutual interest in spanking is all that's holding a relationship together, I wouldn't give it much of a chance for along term success. And may lead to a lot of unnecessary hurt. But hey, that's just my opinion.   :wall: 

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I know there would have to be more to a happy relationship than just mutual spanking, but if everything else was there and the DD too I'd take the chance.

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On 7/4/2020 at 3:33 PM, JonTx said:

I would love to see some real research on this topic. I’ve always been curious but you just can’t rely on anecdotal evidence. That doesn’t dispute the fact that there’s some folks that are making this work. I’m not judging it. I’m just curious. I think I’m going to head over to fit and see if any of the smart folks over there have done any structured research. Some of them are academics and eventually studied S&M and published in journals. We’ll see what they say

'
 

 

 

 

Assume the Position: Exploring Discipline Relationships (Travis, Georgia State University, 2013) is the only scholarly research about DD specifically that I've found online. 

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On 7/13/2020 at 11:40 AM, KentuckyGuy said:

Has anyone heard of a mutual DD marriage?  It woud e my ultimate goal.  I wonder if it would solve any of the problems discussed in this thread.

my wife and I found a couple of years ago the Spencer spanking plan (Dr. Dorothy Spencer conceived the idea of settling domestic misunderstandings in her home based on giving and receiving ” carefully regulated ” corporal punishment . Her idea was to establish a system of ” cooperative discipline ” that would sincerely benefit the party at fault and prevent all serious trouble by furnishing a ” definite , fair and effective method of adjustment . ”) We adapted the Spencer plan to our needs and update it as needed. We started with a written plan and today we just wing it. There is no power struggle and we fight less because we're both committed to  be accountable for our behavior. 

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