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Hydie

Letting go of a spanking desire

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I've tried several times over the years. The method was always the same and very simple: stop engaging in anything spanking-related. I quit self-spanking and left spanking sites I was a member of, deleting accounts when possible. No more watching spanking videos, and no more reading or writing spanking stories. I just cut all things spanking out of my life completely. And sometimes it worked...for a little while. But it always came back eventually. This has been a part of me for almost my entire life. It's just a natural, innate part of who I am. It wasn't formed from personal experiences or encounters for me. It was just naturally there. I was basically born this way. I can deny it and try to ignore it, and it will sometimes even lay dormant for a bit. But it always comes back. It never truly goes away for me. I've just learned to accept, and even embrace, that it's a natural part of me that will always be there. 

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I could have written that exact post. Tried, failed,  several times over. It’s just a part of me, like being right-handed or being incredibly handomse (🤪), I now know it’s with me forever. 

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4 hours ago, Amethyst_Moon said:

I've tried several times over the years. The method was always the same and very simple: stop engaging in anything spanking-related. I quit self-spanking and left spanking sites I was a member of, deleting accounts when possible. No more watching spanking videos, and no more reading or writing spanking stories. I just cut all things spanking out of my life completely. And sometimes it worked...for a little while. But it always came back eventually. This has been a part of me for almost my entire life. It's just a natural, innate part of who I am. It wasn't formed from personal experiences or encounters for me. It was just naturally there. I was basically born this way. I can deny it and try to ignore it, and it will sometimes even lay dormant for a bit. But it always comes back. It never truly goes away for me. I've just learned to accept, and even embrace, that it's a natural part of me that will always be there. 

This is so good. And true for me. I don't understand it, but I also know that it seems to be an intrinsic part of me that I can't get rid of. 

As to what I've done, lots of prayer and introspection. Shutting off all the sites, and information flow, but I keep coming back.

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yes...   With the feelings of shame for needing spanking therapy...  However, it is not a want but a need...  It is a coping mechanism for PTSD and Sobriety...

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14 hours ago, Megthe said:

I hope you asked HIM to reconsider and be willing to see a therapist AND submit to spankings from you because this "vanilla fetish" he has is "keeping (you two) from having a relationship".  Quoting him as much as possible.

Hilarious! --Love it!!  😂 

10 hours ago, JonTx said:

I would say something really subtle like “why don’t you go fuck yourself.”

Ha!  😆

9 hours ago, Bramblewine said:

Sexual incompatibility. Different orientations. Maybe he's not the wrong gender for your sexual orientation, but he isn't oriented to the kind of activity you are. Framing it like that might get an aha, unless he's so steeped in male entitlement that he won't even see that (for all I know, he might be). 

But however you frame it, repeatedly trying to pressure you to reconsider after you've said no, regardless of why you said no, shows such a lack of respect for your boundaries that even if he were into spanking, could you really trust him? Can you even really trust him as a friend?

You brought up some really good points here. Thank you, Bramblewine.

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On 6/25/2020 at 8:54 PM, Hydie said:

Just wondering has anyone ever tried rejecting thoughts related to having a spanking desire? And what methods did you use? was it successful or not? 

Indulge it. 

Then, over time, it becomes no longer as novel, no longer as special as it once was.  It still has a lot of power.  But it turns into the kind of power you can more easily say "not now..... let's think of other things today" and be able to do that more successfully.   Some days you can even find yourself feeling "what a ridiculous thing to like!" and almost can't understand what you saw in it.  

Only denying it, I have found, just makes the obsession eventually reappear with a vengeance even stronger than before. 

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I've NEVER tried to give it up and just to be completely honest, j can't understand why anyone would want to. At the risk of sounding like a bit of a jerk,  I'm just astonished at the number of posters in this thread that say they have tried to give it up. No offense intended or anything like that, but what would make someone actually have the desire to give it up? Could someone maybe give an example of why they wanted out of spanking at one point or another? Again...I'm just trying to gain an understanding. This is the first time I have ever heard of anything like this...so I'm a bit... befuddled by it.  

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6 minutes ago, F/m_Spanking_only said:

what would make someone actually have the desire to give it up

Those who have no spanking playmate and can't find one no matter what they do feel huge grief and loss because of something that they want so deeply but are starting to resign themselves to the fact that they cannot have. Hence the realization comes that if the fetish could be made to fade away, then the grief would too. 

Similarly for those who do have a partner but who refuses to allow spanking play.  The happiness of the relationship would be better without the fetish.

I would be a solution.  But what I have found however, is you can't "give it up".   It's not like a bad habit like smoking that you stop, and then the less you have had, the less desire you have for it. 
 

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@EdmontonSpanker thanks for the reply. It actually saddens me that some have to resort to just flat out severing ties with anything spanking related. For year and a half, I chatted online with a woman who did actually get completely out of spanking. However, that one has an asterisk next to it, as she only had a passing interest in it. An interest that lasted....for a year and a half. People like that are a dime a dozen, as far as I'm concerned. They become interested for a bit...but then it just passes over time. It's the people in whom it is deeply engrained who are the ones that the desire never leaves. I absolutely refuse to do without spanking, so long as I am on this side of the grass. 

If a relationship (or potential relationship) goes up against my love of spanking...the relationship won't stand a chance. I decided long ago that if I do meet someone and they care about me, then they can find it in them to spank and discipline me. But...me meeting anyone for a potential serious relationship is a long shot at absolute best. And that is fine with me because I have my spanking needs more than covered. I have a female friend with benefits who spanks me as well as a  couple of professional disciplinarians I can go see. Granted, that's me and my rather unique situation. 

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At times in the past I tried very hard to not want spankings in my life, and would be successful, for awhile.  But then when the need came back it was stronger than ever before.  Finally, with some counseling, I was able to accept it as part of how I am wired and since then have felt that it is ok to have this need.

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1 hour ago, F/m_Spanking_only said:

I've NEVER tried to give it up and just to be completely honest, j can't understand why anyone would want to. At the risk of sounding like a bit of a jerk,  I'm just astonished at the number of posters in this thread that say they have tried to give it up. No offense intended or anything like that, but what would make someone actually have the desire to give it up? Could someone maybe give an example of why they wanted out of spanking at one point or another? Again...I'm just trying to gain an understanding. This is the first time I have ever heard of anything like this...so I'm a bit... befuddled by it.  

I've talked to you and you're not a jerk (a nice guy, actually), so no worries there. It's incredibly cool that you've been able to so fully embrace your spanking fetish, and that you have a great partner. I admire that. I think a lot of us struggle with feelings of guilt about being spankos, especially if a spouse or significant other has shamed us for it. I've read several accounts here on SN of members who've been hurt this way. Either their loved one refuses to make an attempt to meet their spanking needs, or has painfully rejected them because of it.

For anyone here, finding a safe and sane spanking parter, with whom they're in synch, and who is located reasonably close, can prove to be a real challenge. And for those seeking a monogamous spanking relationship, landing a good single mate is a challenge in itself, but to also find one who possesses the right combination of qualities AND is a spanko, can seem next to impossible. So when we realize that we don't feel whole without spanking, yet we struggle to find it, sometimes we (temporarily) conclude that life would be simpler if we could function happily in the "normal" vanilla world. 

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Maybe you will find it strange but for me it was always "I want a spanking" and never "I need a spanking".

Did i try to let go: Yes - it ended in years of not spanking and then it resurface again.

 

 

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32 minutes ago, Chawsee said:

 

For anyone here, finding a safe and sane spanking parter, with whom they're in synch, and who is located reasonably close, can prove to be a real challenge. And for those seeking a monogamous spanking relationship, landing a good single mate is a challenge in itself, but to also find one who possesses the right combination of qualities AND is a spanko, can seem next to impossible. So when we realize that we don't feel whole without spanking, yet we struggle to find it, sometimes we (temporarily) conclude that life would be simpler if we could function happily in the "normal" vanilla world. 

Not to mention, they would have to be the right kind of spanko to match you. It wouldn't work if you're both solidly -ees or both solidly -ers, even if you're a perfect match in all other ways. You and they have to be one of each, or switches. Another complicating factor.

I can function happily in the normal vanilla world, up to a point, so in that respect, it's easier for me. I am, as Jillian Keenan put it, bi-actual: plain old sex is at least as much of a desire and pleasure for me as spanking is, so I can function as a sex oriented person. All my relationships so far have been vanilla, or in one case, vanilla with sprinkles (that partner was willing to experiment with spanking because it was such a turn on for me, and he was very happy to turn me on, but he wasn't into it for himself). I see it as like the experience of people who are bisexual but have only had hetero relationships. You can go on like that for many years, not unhappily, it's easy to do because it's the mainstream thing, and it's not living a lie because you really do have those mainstream desires, but if both desires are strong for you, only experiencing one side of your sexuality means something's missing.

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9 minutes ago, Bramblewine said:

....I am, as Jillian Keenan put it, bi-actual: plain old sex is at least as much of a desire and pleasure for me as spanking is, so I can function as a sex oriented person. All my relationships so far have been vanilla, or in one case, vanilla with sprinkles (that partner was willing to experiment with spanking because it was such a turn on for me, and he was very happy to turn me on, but he wasn't into it for himself). I see it as like the experience of people who are bisexual but have only had hetero relationships. You can go on like that for many years, not unhappily, it's easy to do because it's the mainstream thing, and it's not living a lie because you really do have those mainstream desires, but if both desires are strong for you, only experiencing one side of your sexuality means something's missing.

This is a very personal thing. For Jillian Keenan, spanking literally takes the place of sex, something that she is clear about. For others, spanking is sought in tandem with sex. Then there are those who make a complete separation and distinction between the two. And the spanking drive, just like the sex drive, varies greatly. There are as many variations as there are people. But in answering F/m_Spanking_only, I was covering the most important basics, not every possibility that might exist. 

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3 hours ago, F/m_Spanking_only said:

I've NEVER tried to give it up and just to be completely honest, j can't understand why anyone would want to. At the risk of sounding like a bit of a jerk,  I'm just astonished at the number of posters in this thread that say they have tried to give it up. No offense intended or anything like that, but what would make someone actually have the desire to give it up? Could someone maybe give an example of why they wanted out of spanking at one point or another? Again...I'm just trying to gain an understanding. This is the first time I have ever heard of anything like this...so I'm a bit... befuddled by it.  

In my situation for example, I grew up and still live in a pretty strict Middle Eastern religious and cultural community where stuff like that were never talked about and anything sexual in nature before marriage is frowned upon. I grew up thinking something was wrong with me and never understood what it was. As I grew up feelings of guilt, shame, and self-hate grew within. Even when I eventually recently discovered that this is normal and there are other people out there like me the guilt and shame I have built up over the years were more overwhelming. Add to that as some have pointed out the fact of how hard and rare it is to find a partner to have this need met with and you will find a combination of negative mentally unhealthy emotions literally destroying me bit by bit. 

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1 minute ago, Chawsee said:

This is a very personal thing. For Jillian Keenan, spanking literally takes the place of sex, something that she is clear about. For others, spanking is sought in tandem with sex. Then there are those who make a complete separation and distinction between the two. And the spanking drive, just like the sex drive, varies greatly. There are as many variations as there are people. But in answering F/m_Spanking_only, I was covering the most important basics, not every possibility that might exist. 

Yes... when I watched her videos where she keeps saying spanking fetish is a sexual orientation, I found myself disagreeing at first, because she was drawing such a hard line between "sex oriented" and "fetish oriented," and... I'm both. I actually watched the one where she brings up bi-actuality last, and that was my aha. I'm definitely above the bottom of the Keenan scale, but nowhere near the top. I think I must be about 2 or 3, but that's in desires. My actual experiences have been hovering barely above one.

To me, spanking and sex are like soup and sandwiches. Either can be a good lunch, but they're very good to have together, and I like both. In the long run, I'll need both. But it's so complicated figuring out how to get it (and throw in how deeply private I really am about all this irl, and it makes it even harder), and to paraphrase what you said up thread, the spanking desire can draw shaming and guilt and it's so much harder to find someone to fulfill it.

I don't feel guilty at all about my desires, but I'm sure I would if I had a very strong desire to spank others. That would bring on guilt and horror for wanting to do something to people that would hurt them. Since my desires are so strongly for being spanked, not giving the spanking, it's okay, the only person getting hurt would be me, and I wouldn't really be getting hurt, it would be that strange wonderful alchemy of pain becoming pleasure. But that does NOT mean I have at all an easy time telling anyone about it. Telling my last partner about it took me years.

There's also lots of guilt and shame people experience around sexual desires, no matter what kind of sexual desires they are, and I've gotten the picture that may be the case for the OP, who mentioned being Christian and asked in other threads if what she wants done to her is a sin. For anyone who's been taught any variation of "sex is sinful," being oriented to spanking would only compound it.

 

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9 hours ago, Bramblewine said:

I don't feel guilty at all about my desires, but I'm sure I would if I had a very strong desire to spank others. That would bring on guilt and horror for wanting to do something to people that would hurt them. Since my desires are so strongly for being spanked, not giving the spanking, it's okay, the only person getting hurt would be me, and I wouldn't really be getting hurt, it would be that strange wonderful alchemy of pain becoming pleasure.

I think I get where you're coming from. Some of us are not naturally sadistic. I'm the same way. I cherish the connection I feel when a man is over my knee, but it's hard for me to inflict pain on him. And the closer I am to a guy, the more I struggle with this. I have to keep reminding myself that I crave being spanked, and so does he, so I understand what he's feeling. Then I think about how grateful I am that he's coming to me with this very personal need, because I am conscientious and will take good care of him.

9 hours ago, Bramblewine said:

There's also lots of guilt and shame people experience around sexual desires, no matter what kind of sexual desires they are, and I've gotten the picture that may be the case for the OP, who mentioned being Christian and asked in other threads if what she wants done to her is a sin. For anyone who's been taught any variation of "sex is sinful," being oriented to spanking would only compound it.

Yes, this is another valid point.

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On 6/27/2020 at 10:00 PM, Chawsee said:

I can relate to those feelings of shame and isolation. I'm so grateful for sites like SN and for spanking fetishist men. The path is lonely enough. So craving the connection that comes from a spanking, and knowing there are guys who want to be spanked, is heaven on earth.

I feel the same way about the females who WANT to be Spanked !

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9 hours ago, Chawsee said:

I think I get where you're coming from. Some of us are not naturally sadistic. I'm the same way. I cherish the connection I feel when a man is over my knee, but it's hard for me to inflict pain on him. And the closer I am to a guy, the more I struggle with this. I have to keep reminding myself that I crave being spanked, and so does he, so I understand what he's feeling. Then I think about how grateful I am that he's coming to me with this very personal need, because I am conscientious and will take good care of him.

 

That is the most loving thing you can do.

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On 6/25/2020 at 9:54 PM, Hydie said:

Just wondering has anyone ever tried rejecting thoughts related to having a spanking desire? And what methods did you use? was it successful or not? 

If it was successful, they most likely would not be here. just saying. That being said, I come from a strong Christian community, so I have tried (and failed) to suppress the desires. Having such a strong desire to spank, and not finding someone to help me fulfill that desire, kind of kills. I though it would be easier to just remove the desire..... I was wrong!

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NO! Is it even doable? It can be tough finding the right person but it will always be there. When I was 22 I was in a NYC Hotel and actually called an escort. A 22 year old girl considered attractive called a professional. She was mid 30s and surprised and unsure until I said she was scared. She got very business like and ID'd me. Then was all professional but really was into it. I couldn't believe I did that but it had been a long time. 

 

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I tried most of my life to resist it, refusing to accept it, suffering guilt and shame.  It does not go away.  I had to work on myself, all the way to a full spiritual awakening.  Now I can embrace what I am.  Is it a curse or a blessing?  I am chagrined to realize that it is a blessing.  I probably wouldn’t have done so much good work on myself if I didn’t have spanking desires, and I am very much glad that I did.  There is grief and frustration connected with the desire.  I think there are ways to cope with the desire, but denying it, hoping to be converted, is futile.  You must have some way to process the need.

 

 

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After reading through this I am considering myself lucky, that I can satisfy my need by myself in an effective fashion. I wish my wife would help, maybe some day she will, but for now all I need is a little bit of time and privacy. With the help of some other self-spankers on this board I have learned to embrace my need for a spanking, and my taking a DIY approach. At times I've wondered why I like spanking period, why I like being spanked (even or maybe especially when I'm the spanker), why being spanked benefits me the way it does, why I just plain enjoy a spanking. A lot of questions, and no real answers. So for the most part of settled on I enjoy it, it benefits me in multiple ways, my need is satisfied (for the most part); so I self-spank when ever I can and just enjoy and I try not to over think it. I guess I am, in the end, very  lucky that I have the option of satisfying this need myself.

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I tried a couple of times. 

The first was when I discovered it. Like many, I was ashamed and felt something was wrong with me. This was actually short lived.

The second was when I was in a vanilla relationship, but it was more because I had developed a bad habit of watching spanking videos (with it being the only way I could indulge the kink) whilst I should have been studying for university. So I stepped away from the scene to focus on that.

Now, it's just not something that I can think of doing. It's a part of who I am and I fully accept it.

Would it be easier if I could live without it? Definitely.

Would I change it about myself? No way!

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