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Hydie

Letting go of a spanking desire

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Just wondering has anyone ever tried rejecting thoughts related to having a spanking desire? And what methods did you use? was it successful or not? 

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Yes many times. 
I cannot say I have a method per-say. I just take a long look at myself and think about it if I come to a conclusion that leads to quitting, then I stop.
The success varies. I have taken breaks many times ranging from months to years without engaging. Ultimately I also came back to it in some form. Why? Well at first it was because I didnt understand the underlying reasons for why it manifested i the first place. Now after knowing why, I am back again only because I want to come to a final conclusion as to whether it has a place in my life. If I decide not, then with all confidence I can say that I am done.
 

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Yes many times. 
I cannot say I have a method per-say. I just take a long look at myself and think about it. If I come to a conclusion that leads to quitting, then I stop.
The success varies. I have taken breaks many times. Ranging from months to years without engaging. Ultimately I always come back to it in some form. Why? Well at first it was because I didn't understand the underlying reasons for why it manifested in the first place. Now after knowing why, I am back again only because I want to come to a final conclusion as to whether it has a place in my life. If I decide not, then with all confidence I can say that I am done.

 

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6 minutes ago, Rook said:

Yes many times. 
I cannot say I have a method per-say. I just take a long look at myself and think about it. If I come to a conclusion that leads to quitting, then I stop.
The success varies. I have taken breaks many times. Ranging from months to years without engaging. Ultimately I always come back to it in some form. Why? Well at first it was because I didn't understand the underlying reasons for why it manifested in the first place. Now after knowing why, I am back again only because I want to come to a final conclusion as to whether it has a place in my life. If I decide not, then with all confidence I can say that I am done.

 

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What do you do so that if the thoughts or desires return you turn them away? Also how were you able to figure out the underlying reasons of why it manifested in first place? 

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19 minutes ago, Hydie said:

What do you do so that if the thoughts or desires return you turn them away? Also how were you able to figure out the underlying reasons of why it manifested in first place? 

What do you do so that if the thoughts or desires return you turn them away?

Self control. If I have deiced that it is not what I want in my life for whatever reason and it comes up. I tell myself I do not want it, It is not good for me, it is not who I am or what I want to be, and I walk away. You need to be 100% sure it is what you want and commit. Some habits/behaviors get programmed into our minds whether naturally, malignantly, accidentally, ect... When you engage in the behavior, you reinforce it. When you deny them, you weaken them. At first it is difficult but over time the behavior dissipates.

 Also how were you able to figure out the underlying reasons of why it manifested in first place? 

A lot of self reflection. Talking to people I could, while be it few. Exposing myself to it in different ways and reflecting on my reactions. Also research into the history of spanking and reading medical/psychological journals. Having another person to talk with really helped me articulate what was happening in my head. But self reflection was key.  

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I married a vanilla when I couldn't find someone who wanted to be spanked.

So I suppressed my desires for a few years.  In reality, if it's in you it doesn't go away and ultimately it will be something you seek out.

 

I don't know of anybody who has really suppressed it in the long-term.

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I do not think it will go away.  Seems more like a deep down need, versus a passing fancy.

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Many times I have tried to free myself of these desires.  Back before the internet I would have spanking magazines and some NuWest video tapes, or other spanking related material, I would think in my mind if I just got rid of these things my interest would dissipate ,and I would throw them all out.  But spanking was always lingering in the back of my mind somewhere. I repeated this pattern many times.  I do know the more I interact in the spanking realm, the more intense my focus on it becomes, because I am being stimulated by it ( and I mean this in a non-sexual way ) but it is part of who I am, I'll take it to the grave.  To deny it would be to untrue to myself. Just glad I have like minded spirits to share with. 

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Why would anyone want to do that?  If it is a part of you, then it is a part of you.  Embrace it as a gift and enjoy the fact that you can interact with someone in a special way that vanillas could never comprehend.

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2 hours ago, Spanknutt said:

Why would anyone want to do that?  If it is a part of you, then it is a part of you.  Embrace it as a gift and enjoy the fact that you can interact with someone in a special way that vanillas could never comprehend.

I think in our culture that is easier said than done.  There are folks with all sort of fetishes that I'm sure they would not want close friends or family to know about.  It might be sad but revealing everything about you is not always the best policy in life.  IMHO 

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54 minutes ago, Skibum54 said:

I think in our culture that is easier said than done.  There are folks with all sort of fetishes that I'm sure they would not want close friends or family to know about.  It might be sad but revealing everything about you is not always the best policy in life.  IMHO 

I didn't see anything in the original post that mentioned coming out to family and friends. All I saw was a question about whether we ever wanted to reject our spanking desires. Although some of us have become more comfortable sharing that part of ourselves with selected others, the only one who really need to know is your partner. Now, there may be other reasons why someone would feel that way. For example, having trouble meeting someone who shares your interest or maybe even feeling guilty about not being "normal." However, a Masters & Johnson study many years ago revealed that 10% of couples incorporated spanking into their relationships. I suspect after 50 Shades, Secretary, etc. the number is even higher now. So I think our interest is more normal than we sometimes let ourselves believe.

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50 minutes ago, Spanknutt said:

I didn't see anything in the original post that mentioned coming out to family and friends. All I saw was a question about whether we ever wanted to reject our spanking desires. Although some of us have become more comfortable sharing that part of ourselves with selected others, the only one who really need to know is your partner. Now, there may be other reasons why someone would feel that way. For example, having trouble meeting someone who shares your interest or maybe even feeling guilty about not being "normal." However, a Masters & Johnson study many years ago revealed that 10% of couples incorporated spanking into their relationships. I suspect after 50 Shades, Secretary, etc. the number is even higher now. So I think our interest is more normal than we sometimes let ourselves believe.

You are correct, that was not the issue stated, sorry. But internally I've have dealt with a lot of self shame over spanking, not an easy thing to deal with when for many years you feel very isolated.

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There is not letting go of the need. One can suppress it but deep down it’s always going to be there.  

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On 6/26/2020 at 3:57 AM, UKKnight said:

I suppressed my desires for a few years.  In reality, if it's in you it doesn't go away and ultimately it will be something you seek out.

 

I don't know of anybody who has really suppressed it in the long-term.

I spent lots of time resolving this. I finally had a therapist help me to completely be OK with it.  I do not believe you can shut it off since it is so deep. I also don’t think it’s an addiction because I believe you’re born with it. I was doing it when I was four years old. 
 

I think all of us have struggled with the issue of whether or not we should be engaging in spanking.  Trying to fight something with willpower is often referred to as control/release. It’s like someone on a diet who holds out all week and then one night it’s a carton of ice cream.  Many experts believe that will power can only go so far before it fails because the unconscious mind is the majority of decision making and functioning. The conscious mind is a small portion.   It’s not a failure to try and stop spanking and then go back to it. At least not in my mind.  

In the case of food binging,  there’s probably a good reason to seek some sort of assistance in finding an alternative outlet for the need to eat so much. I guess it could be done in spanking but I’m not exactly sure how, based on my own self awareness of where this leads neurologically and psychologically.  Finally,  unless I felt guilty about it or was judged by a partner or a church, I wouldn’t want to be “cured.”  And if I was stopping to keep from being judged by somebody else, that’s not a good reason for me.
 

 

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22 hours ago, Skibum54 said:

....Internally I've have dealt with a lot of self shame over spanking, not an easy thing to deal with when for many years you feel very isolated.

I can relate to those feelings of shame and isolation. I'm so grateful for sites like SN and for spanking fetishist men. The path is lonely enough. So craving the connection that comes from a spanking, and knowing there are guys who want to be spanked, is heaven on earth.

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There's no denying that the more I talk about spanking and write about spanking, the more I think about spanking. Yet I've tried to stop entertaining it, rejecting thoughts about it and willfully pushing them out of my mind for periods of time. I've deleted bookmarked spanking videos and parted with my entire collection of implements, determined that I was done with this. But the fixation with it merely laid dormant in my psyche, later to resurface. It has never, ever gone away. 

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Chawsee, we like it very much when You talk and write about spanking...please keep sharing your thoughts and inspirations. We are delighted that spanking doesn't go away for You!!

In over 45 years, i've never been able to relinquish the need either, although i've really wished i could. The need has never taken a vacation; instead, it always works overtime!!

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This is all very... interesting. As someone else said...why would anyone WANT TO do that? I could never imagine stopping. The way I see it, if someone wants me to get out of spanking, then they had best be ready to kill me, because that is the ONLY way I'll ever stop. 

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10 hours ago, ammon said:

Chawsee, we like it very much when You talk and write about spanking...please keep sharing your thoughts and inspirations. We are delighted that spanking doesn't go away for You!!

Awww... thank you. Truthfully, YOU GUYS are what keeps me motivated to continue writing. 

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5 hours ago, F/m_Spanking_only said:

This is all very... interesting. As someone else said...why would anyone WANT TO do that? I could never imagine stopping. The way I see it, if someone wants me to get out of spanking, then they had best be ready to kill me, because that is the ONLY way I'll ever stop. 

Well said, F/m_Spanking_only!

I'm going through this now with a man. I've told him we can remain platonic friends, but there is no chance of anything deeper. (He's vanilla.) He keeps pressuring me, trying to see if he can get me to reconsider. He just asked for another sit-down talk, during which he said, "This spanking fetish of yours... Can't you compromise on that?" When I told him no, and explained that I require a mate who's "wired" like I am, he suggested I seek out a therapist to "help me overcome this," because "it's keeping us from having a relationship."  😂😂 How do I politely tell him that I'd rather have spanking in my life than him??

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9 hours ago, Chawsee said:

Well said, F/m_Spanking_only!

I'm going through this now with a man. I've told him we can remain platonic friends, but there is no chance of anything deeper. (He's vanilla.) He keeps pressuring me, trying to see if he can get me to reconsider. He just asked for another sit-down talk, during which he said, "This spanking fetish of yours... Can't you compromise on that?" When I told him no, and explained that I require a mate who's "wired" like I am, he suggested I seek out a therapist to "help me overcome this," because "it's keeping us from having a relationship."  

I hope you asked HIM to reconsider and be willing to see a therapist AND submit to spankings from you because this "vanilla fetish" he has is "keeping (you two) from having a relationship".  Quoting him as much as possible.

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10 hours ago, Chawsee said:

Well said, F/m_Spanking_only!

I'm going through this now with a man. I've told him we can remain platonic friends, but there is no chance of anything deeper. (He's vanilla.) He keeps pressuring me, trying to see if he can get me to reconsider. He just asked for another sit-down talk, during which he said, "This spanking fetish of yours... Can't you compromise on that?" When I told him no, and explained that I require a mate who's "wired" like I am, he suggested I seek out a therapist to "help me overcome this," because "it's keeping us from having a relationship."  😂😂 How do I politely tell him that I'd rather have spanking in my life than him??

I don't think non-spankos have any idea of how ingrained this can be in peoples psyche. I also believe that people can have varying degrees of interest in the spanking fetish.  But once your into it enough to be on sites like this, it's pretty much a big part of who you are.  I have learned to keep it separate from my normal life.  But I can't pretend it's not part of me.  I wish sometimes I could be more open about it, but it's not worth the aggravation I'm sure it would cause. Been dealing with it for 50+ years, it's just the way it is.  Thankful for places like this to be able to be open with kindred spirits. 

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12 hours ago, Chawsee said:

How do I politely tell him that I'd rather have spanking in my life than him??

I would say something really subtle like “why don’t you go fuck yourself.”

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5 minutes ago, JonTx said:

I would say something really subtle like “

I should point out to everyone that I know Chawsee pretty well. I will also say that I’m very glad that I am hundreds of miles away from her and neither of us travel much, given  the wise ass (or worse) posting I just made. 

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13 hours ago, Chawsee said:

Well said, F/m_Spanking_only!

I'm going through this now with a man. I've told him we can remain platonic friends, but there is no chance of anything deeper. (He's vanilla.) He keeps pressuring me, trying to see if he can get me to reconsider. He just asked for another sit-down talk, during which he said, "This spanking fetish of yours... Can't you compromise on that?" When I told him no, and explained that I require a mate who's "wired" like I am, he suggested I seek out a therapist to "help me overcome this," because "it's keeping us from having a relationship."  😂😂 How do I politely tell him that I'd rather have spanking in my life than him??

Sexual incompatibility. Different orientations. Maybe he's not the wrong gender for your sexual orientation, but he isn't oriented to the kind of activity you are. Framing it like that might get an aha, unless he's so steeped in male entitlement that he won't even see that (for all I know, he might be). 

If you were a lesbian, and he tried to pressure you into "getting over it" to have a non-platonic relationship with him, just about any reasonable person would see that for the major faux pas it is. You can't change anyone's sexuality. If he's someone who can understand that much, then pointing out that what he's doing is essentially the same thing might make him see the light.

But however you frame it, repeatedly trying to pressure you to reconsider after you've said no, regardless of why you said no, shows such a lack of respect for your boundaries that even if he were into spanking, could you really trust him? Can you even really trust him as a friend?

That's also such a straight male entitlement thing to do. Which doesn't give me much hope that he'd see reason. Reasons are for reasonable people.

As a straight woman myself, I find it can be such a minefield to navigate the male entitlement culture, even in a vanilla context. Not that there aren't plenty of good men who'll genuinely respect our boundaries and not take entitlement to that extreme, but it tends to crop up so much.

For that matter, if you told him that he's acting entitled, do you think he'd listen? If he does, there's hope, at least for friendship, and certainly for any women he dates in the future. If he doesn't, run.

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