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For those who have asked (and successfully gotten) their vanilla partners to spank them, what were some objections they raised? What did you say?


I think my partner would be surprised why I would want her to hurt me physically ie I would want a hard spanking that if it wouldn’t bring tears would put me in a lot of pain. How would I be able to explain to her it is something that I actually want and it would be greatly appreciated? Has anyone faced such a situation?

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I think the biggest objection often raised is that your vanilla partner loves you, so she finds it hard, even excruciating, to inflict pain on you. You can expect this, even if you succeed in getting her to follow through. The first spanking my vanilla husband ever gave me is the one I remember best. When he finished and lifted me off his lap, he turned me around to take another look at the damage he'd done. He stood up, wrapped his arms around me, and hugged me tight. Then he dropped back down on the bed, kind of in a state of shock. After a moment he lifted his eyes and just sat there, expressing how sorry he was and how bad he felt for hurting me. Even with my reassurance, it took awhile for him to get comfortable in this role. 

A sound approach might be to explain how guilt eats away at you, and how enduring a good old-fashioned spanking allows that guilt to be released so that your internal slate can be wiped clean and you can feel good again (assuming this is true, as it is for many of us). Otherwise, I'd suggest taking a playful approach, having fun with it, and asking her to amp up the intensity as her confidence builds. The key is to show deep gratitude. Be really, really thankful for whatever she gives you so that SHE is getting something out of it, too. And if you're extra attentive and helpful afterwards, she'll likely start connecting those spankings with improved behavior in her husband. I have read blogs from women who got into spanking because of this very reason. Keep us updated... We're rooting for you, Steven. :) 

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I'm sort of in the same situation, though I'm still not sure if I actually WANT to be spanked to tears, or if this is just something I fantasize about. (The reality might be completely different than my glorious imagination.)

My wife and I are pretty vanilla, but we do experiment quite a bit in the bedroom. (I think she's just trying to please me.) So I was sort of nervous to ask her for a spanking, in part because I didn't want her to think less of me. But she said, "Yes". I then told her about my fantasy to be spanked REALLY HARD and she immediately said, "I won't hurt  you." I told her that I felt the need to be punished and I needed a hard spanking, and that I was okay with it. She basically told me, "But I'm NOT okay with hurting you. That's just not who I am as a person." I left it at that.

My wife can get pretty stressed out at times, and I know I frustrate her at least once a week, so I *think* she secretly harbors a desire to whack me pretty good -- especially if she knows I'm okay with it. My plan is to just encourage hard spankings but let her go at her own pace. If spanking me starts to become "normal" then I think she will feel better about hitting me harder. I DO worry about welts and bruising, though. That could put a quick end to things...

My first real spanking was a few weeks ago. She used my leather belt and she whipped me pretty good a few times, but overall the spanking wasn't extraordinarily painful. The other day, she asked, "So what do you want for Father's Day? A hard spanking?" Note her use of the word "hard". We'll see how it goes tonight. (I bought a riding crop and a wooden cane...) 

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It's absolutely related to the thought of inflicting pain, and the reasons why it is sought.  We've been together for 35 years, and it took a while before she'd even consider it. My wife says that she doesn't understand why anyone would want a spanking because that would hurt, and that would apply regardless whether the person's behavior would warrant punishment.

Trying to explain why that hurt feels good to some of us is the problem, because it's not easy to make another person who doesn't feel the same way about it realize that we have a need or desire to experience that spanking.  She will occasionally allow me to give her a mild to moderate spanking, but isn't into it at all, however she realizes that I enjoy spanking women and is well aware that over the years I have had many non sexual spanking partners to interact with on a regular basis. I think she has allowed me to spank her more out of curiosity, trying to understand what it must be like for the others I spank, than actually getting anything at all out of it herself. When I am fortunate enough for her to allow me to spank her, I have to keep it playful rather than punishing, and her time frame is not as long as I would like it to be, even if I'm being relatively gentle. 

She will also occasionally spank me if I ask her to, and on a few occasions (most recently when I backed her truck into an immovable object, which caused significant damage) she has taken it upon herself to spank me as either punishment or retaliation, not sure which.  She's capable of giving me a relatively long and hard spanking, 200 with a belt while I'm bent over the back of the couch would be a starting point, and she's the one who pulls down my pants and underpants before starting to spank me. While I totally appreciate her being willing to go there with me, it's also obvious that she's very confused about what that does for me. However, she's able to get into that mindset for a few minutes and very likely to count the strokes out loud as she gives each one. If I were to ask for more, it would be met with reluctance to go further once she thought that I'd been given enough. Of course, for me that's just a warmup..........

I would like for both of us to be on regular maintenance spankings, with others added for actual events which deserve it, but that's not likely to ever happen. However, I consider myself extremely fortunate that she will spank me on occasion, that she will allow me to spank her on (rare) occasions, and most of all that she will allow me to spank others, which I think she has been very tolerant of because she's thankful it's not her bottom being punished. 

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This reminds me of Polonius trying to diagnose Hamlet.  In the Renaissance, Shakespeare is making fun of Medieval thought (the 900's).  Polonius only sees the surfaces.  The vanilla people only see the surfaces.  This is still the case in hard science today.  Roger Penrose famously said that "That which is real can be measured." This is only one of many howlers from scientists from the point of view of philosophy.  It means that the person speaking does not exist, of course.  

The ontic level is the only measurable level.  Until Homer c. 720 BCE, there was magical thinking (myth-religion) and the ontic level.  There was no rational thought other than the ontic level.  Homer starts out by saying that he is only interested in how human emotions work (muse, sing of the anger...).  Not in the war.  Lady Murasaki Shikabu's Tale of Gengi demonstrates the people can change their character -- a huge sea change in the ancient world which makes therapeutic psychology possible.  Shakespeare then starts therapeutic psychology with Lear, Macbeth, and Hamlet by showing that the ontic level is no good at all when talking about human beings -- not at all obvious.  The whole police as psychologist issue being raised in the "defund" discussion is the same as Shakespeare making fun of Polonius -- "an arrant prating knave" whom Hamlet kills and then "drags the guts" to a hiding place. 

So if the Vanilla wife or other partner is worried about the pain, this is just silly.  

Obviously, there is a "deeper pain which time will never heal" (from "Dominatrix" by Stephen Lefebure in his book Rocks Full of Sky, Anaphora Press).  The skin pain is nothing at all.  Similarly in the film secretary the boss explains to his secretary that she was cutting her skin because she wanted the outer reality to match her inner reality, where she was in constant intense pain because she had grown up watching her alcoholic father abuse her mother.  She imprinted on the reality that men abuse women. 

I personally worked with about 20 women who had had abuse scenarios in which they lost control and had a sexual experience, or many, which as minors they could not consent to, or actually resisted and were forced to perform.  I was able to relate very well to these women because as a boy I had one myself.  Pain is often a small part of the degradation involved.  Above all the self-esteem withdrawal is permanent -- the terror is not.  

Others simply found being punished by the opposite sex parent sexual without knowing this.  Many were like that.  

In every case, you take out the memory which was not especially sexual, and use it in a daydream which as you age does become sexual, although actual masturbation is not happening yet -- we are, say, age 5.  But you feel special because of the experience.  You may want it to happen again.  Your pulse and respiration elevate -- you hyperventilate.  Naturally, capillary dilation happens during any spanking -- this overfeeds the cells in the entire pelvis with extra blood, meaning oxygen.  That causes all cells to fire at least 1.5 and maybe 2x the normal intensity.  This overcomes the ohmage at the synapses between the area of greatest sexual receptivity (does not wait for puberty) and the brain.  So, hapless and unaware of what sex is, you feel sexual pleasure, and want it again, with zero understanding of what is happening.  

Sexual experiences -- first ones -- imprint on you.  The circumstances are always turned into fetishes.  In anthropology these are physical objects which unite a clan around the concept of their religious focus -- such as bear clan, water clan, snake clan, and so on.  Your vague pleasures unite around the spanking in this case.  In other cases -- a boy is raped by a man in a men's room.  The smell of urine is strong.  Uranophilia results.  Being held down in the spanking or in a rape can produce a bondage fetish.  Whatever happens when you are young is more intense because you are young.  The exact same feelings would mean little to the adult version of you.  Therefore we always escalate.  The adult spanking, or virtual rape, must be much more harsh to feel even 1/2 as harsh as that the girl or boy experienced -- fear, helplessness, even tears.  Tears are good. 

We spend so much time in our selves.  Being punished, meditating, religious experiences, good sex in general -- these among the various ways people have "blown their minds" for the 5 million years of hominid prehistory and history.   Verbal interaction is for me an integral part of bdsm/spanking as I am more of a humiliation top/bottom than I am a pain one, although as a top I go where the bottom needs to be.  True pain bottoms often want zero humiliation.  I participated in a branding, for example, performed by one woman on another -- I assisted with the equipment only -- and the bottom was actually verbally abusive to the top!  But that was transcendent and very long lasting pain.  

Playing roles -- theatre -- it looks fake.  The wife or partner says why should I hurt you?  There is the surface level where they are.  The psychological level where a deep pain exists.  In psychology they talk about "mastery." This means that you cannot forget your imprint experiences.  But you can relive them and arrive at a different outcome.  After the typically escalated experience -- a spanking that turns you purple or breaks the skin instead of the red cheeks your opposite sex parent gave you -- you get something like "good boy," "good slave," which may actually be better than what you got as a child -- more humiliation.  The acceptance after the self-esteem withdrawal feels real.  One bottom told me that when someone says "I love you" it is meaningless -- fake playacting.  But when people do what vanilla folks call play-acting -- call her a slut, a whore, spank and whip her -- that feels real because it matches her inner self-appraisal. 

On the level below psychology -- ontological -- we are not even selves.  Children are not even selves yet.  Crying breaks us down and back there.  Sentience is just a "here" that moves from place to place and experiences space-time in a non-linear way.  We think of ourselves very differently than the way we work.  If we stop thinking about our selves -- while being spanked is just one way -- it forces us to -- we stop falling from the authentic to the inauthentic and become real for that period of time.  


as a bottom i am called "Stephanie" by my wife

by my bottoms I was called "Sir Stephan" after the story of O



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Although I have only just joined this site, I do have 4 decades + of adult experience of BDSM and impact as a born Alpha personality. My wife is a Dr of Psychology & Criminology whose consultancy advises governments world wide,  as well as her being my BDSM slave of 30+ years. Plus I have also owned adult sexual entertainment businesses such as shops, clubs, bars, video production etc etc etc for the past 40 years and that has included adult internet sites.  Ergo, my experience of the entire spanking/BDSM/Fetish scene and it's inhabitants is both wide and detailed.

As such I have to state here that people freely posting about child abuse on this site and having avatars showing child abuse,  is highly offensive and frankly shocking to me.  Personally I am deeply confused that the site owner would allow such talk and imagery as it's legality is also highly questionable.

Sites such as this die regularly from lack of effective moderation and control of elements on them who do not seem to understand either the law or common decency.

Beating children has no place in any society in 2020. It is repulsive.

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In this life we all have our own interests and foibles. Myself I do not like simplistic answers because life is not simplistic ....  as I am sure we are all aware.

Myself I read a great deal, always have,  all of it non-fiction. As such I have a great interest in propaganda and as such know a great deal about the NSDAP regime of Germany and it's use of propaganda against it's own people. Then speaking as someone who has been involved in conflicts, by choice, I also find that is an interesting subject. My wife is a Dr of Psychology, our daughter will soon be a Dr of Sociology and our son is both an ex-combat soldier and about to become a Dr of Mathematical Physics. Our son's work is presently with regard to turning human emotional responses into mathematical algorithms. Obviously this is for the rapidly burgeoning robotic minds, which will learn exponentially as our own do. This is called AGi - Artificial General Intelligence.

What has any of this to do with your question?

It is a fundamental reality of life that people are who they are, that their minds how they were born ...  Yes people also gain 'learnt behaviours' from childhood and young adulthood mostly but those are pretty much fixed outlooks as well by full adulthood. Certainly one can apply pressure via propaganda, via mind alerting activities such as torture or 'brain washing', or religious/political indoctrination or simply via pure fear ... That means you can make people act in a way required by you ..... It is however a fact (outside of popular fiction/media) that when that pressure is lifted,  those people will return to their natural state in a very short space of time. For example In 1937 c.98% of German people voted for Hitler to become  der Führer, the unassailable Dictator of Germany. Yet by 1950 90% of the civil service were the exact same people as in 1944 doing the same work and the German police consisted of about 80% ex-SS and the notorious 'Kettenhund' military police ..... No longer overt National Socialists, now once again just ordinary Germans.

It appears that you want to be spanked ... Also, that your wife does not want to spank you ... Not because she loves you or any such fanciful thoughts ... But because it is not who she is. Yes you can apply pressure, yes you can force her through emotional blackmail ... But it is not her and never will be. Indeed, you CANNOT explain to her why you want it because she is not wired in that way.

When my son fought in Afghanistan, he discharged his weapon/weapons at the opposing forces. When I was involved in conflicts, I did the same. Both my son and I chose to be there. My father was a WW2 Combat Major, both my grandfather's high ranking officers and we can trace our family military history back many generations. All chose to be there.

However the WW2 American  Brigadier General 'SLAM' Marshall in his writings Men Against Fire regarding America’s World War II conscript soldiers said that .... Generally men are taught to be 'non-aggressive' from birth and this is why in a squad of ten men that on average only three of those men ever discharged their weapons in battle .... No matter what they never, ever fired their weapon on the enemy. Some people were very upset by this claim .... However when Vietnam returned the same result, it seemed that 'SLAM' was correct. Establishing nicely that you can conscript people into activities, but they do not really take an active role for the most part.

You use the word objections, it is unreasonable and based entirely upon your own selfishness and desires, without thought for your wife... What you want is actually immaterial, it is not what that person does and they never will.

The choices for people like yourself are always the same ....

* Play away with some other female. No, your wife will not understand. Why or how could she?

* Have the courage of your convictions and leave.

* Put it away and be happy for your life as it stands.

They are the choices. That is all there is.

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