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Curious as to who else out there is in a committed relationship (married or otherwise) with a vanilla partner and how you cope with that. 

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I can't see that ever happening again. It's one of the reasons my marriage didn't work out and I get that conversation out of the way right up font now. I do know people who are in vanilla relationships (or marriages) where one partner has permission to pursue spanking needs outside of the relationship, although this is normally for discipline only and often approved only with a member of the same sex.

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Unless your vanilla partner is either willing to let you get most of your intimacy elsewhere, or is EXTREMELY enthusiastic about learning (and ultimately is not really vanilla in the end), it will not work. 

Spare yourself the heartache and find someone compatible. 

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I guess you need the right flavor of vanilla. French vanilla? My wife has no interest in spankings, but knew of my needs. She was not willing to be spanked, but was willing to try to spank me. Her attempts were ineffective and were just frustrating for me, but we would try occasionally for several years without success. One day she was really angry with me for something stupid I did, and said I deserved to be punished. Naturally I suggested a spanking which she rejected as ineffective. Then she spotted a piece of scrap wood we used to prop open a window and decided to paddle my bare bottom with that! Suddenly we both discovered that with a good implement and motivation, she could give me a very painful spanking that left me truly sorry and on my best behavior for weeks. For the last 30 years she has put me over her knee kicking and yelling as she paddles my bare bottom whenever I really deserve it. She's still not into spankings but she knows they get results! For her discovery I am repeatedly sorry but eternally grateful. 

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My story is similar to David although there wasn't one event that suddenly transformed my wife into "French vanilla".

After years of her trying to spank me (she quickly made it clear that she hated being spanked), me giving her things to read, buying different implements, trying to set up different scenarios and structures for spanking, she came to realize that she liked being in charge. That turned out to be the key. She decides when I deserved to be spanked and she is much more enthusiastic about it.

I'm not sure whether she gets any more of a "thrill" out of spanking me, but she certainly seems to enjoy it a lot more. And loves to take me down a peg or two.

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Having been married to a vanilla husband who participated in spanking, I know it can be done. However, I would never go that route again. Why? Because it's only one step above the partner who wants nothing to do with spanking. Even if you're lucky enough to have a mate who plays along, they're just not wired like we are, so they never enjoy it, crave it, and HAVE to have it like we do. Nor do they understand what it's like for us, so there's always that underlying feeling that this person-- the one you're closest in the world to-- just doesn't "get you." That, for me, was a very lonely feeling. I just recently started seeing someone-- a nice guy who cares about me and whom I enjoy spending time with. But I'm just about to have "the talk" with him, and if he's not wired like I am, he will remain permanently in the friendship-only category. 

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I have seen it happen with others I know too often, so I always stayed away from vanilla relationships, because most of the time it won't work, no matter how much you love this person. I don't like to have a secret for my partner. So unless this vanilla partner is willing to allow a spanker/disciplinarian to take care of the need for discipline/spanking I won't be in such a relationship. Often vanilla partners really don't understand it and/or think it's a sexual thing. It can be for some, but not for me.

The one (if he exists) I'm going for definitely should be in the DD lifestyle, not going for anything less than that in a relationship. Saves a lot of head ache... Okay, it's more complicated to find the right person, but that's worth it, I'm worth it...

I've got vanilla friends, male and female, but never even discuss my spanking needs with them, they wouldn't understand it at all. And if they do, they might not be so vanilla after all hehe...

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It can work... to a point.  I was in a long term committed relationship with a wonderful woman I had great vanilla chemistry with.  We were both very happy with the relationship overall, but ultimately spanking came between us.  At first I had slowly managed to get her to spank me harder and longer, but we kept running into the problem that whenever I showed physical signs of pain or discomfort she would stop.  As much as she knew that's what I wanted, she couldn't bring herself to do it, but she kept trying.  She would spank me whenever I asked for it, but very rarely would she initiate.  I started to feel guilty asking for spankings and the amount of spanking in our relationship petered off pretty quickly.

On the other side, it's even more of a challenge if you are a spanker.  I slowly spanked her a few times and none of them particularly hard.  But it's really difficult for someone who is not into spanking to take a spanking, even if they really want to like it for your sake and they are trying.  We both agreed after trying a few times that she was not going to grow to like it, no matter how much as she tried, so she exclusively spanked me from that point.   

Bottom line, I agree 100% with what Chawsee said.  They may engage in spanking because they love you, but they don't need it or crave it the same way we do.  It ends up causing guilt, resentment, and loneliness because they don't "get it".

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On 5/16/2020 at 5:51 AM, Chawsee said:

Having been married to a vanilla husband who participated in spanking, I know it can be done. However, I would never go that route again. Why? Because it's only one step above the partner who wants nothing to do with spanking. Even if you're lucky enough to have a mate who plays along, they're just not wired like we are, so they never enjoy it, crave it, and HAVE to have it like we do. Nor do they understand what it's like for us, so there's always that underlying feeling that this person-- the one you're closest in the world to-- just doesn't "get you." That, for me, was a very lonely feeling. I just recently started seeing someone-- a nice guy who cares about me and whom I enjoy spending time with. But I'm just about to have "the talk" with him, and if he's not wired like I am, he will remain permanently in the friendship-only category. 

I hope I’m not being nosy but how did it go???

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Never again. I don’t think I need to say any more.

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Don't do this. It's a bad idea. If it does work out that just means they weren't aware of their desires not that they don't have them.

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On 5/18/2020 at 2:03 PM, Naughtyboy50 said:

I hope I’m not being nosy but how did it go???

He came by this morning to see me, noticed right away that I was feeling down (been through two hard losses this past week), and took me to Polson (a little town on the south end of Flathead Lake, the largest freshwater lake west of the Mississippi). We spent six hours together, during which I came out of the closet. It was a relief that he took it better than I anticipated. But it's official-- he will be remaining in the friendship-only category. I have to admit that I sensed this from the start.

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1 hour ago, Chawsee said:

But it's official-- he will be remaining in the friendship-only category. I have to admit that I sensed this from the start.

I’m very sorry to hear this, Chawsee.    I’m afraid this sort of isolation is something that most of us live with but I do think there’s hope. At least, you’re telling him now instead of getting way down the trail. Hang in there: I’m sure you’ll find someone

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14 minutes ago, JonTx said:

I’m very sorry to hear this, Chawsee.    I’m afraid this sort of isolation is something that most of us live with but I do think there’s hope. At least, you’re telling him now instead of getting way down the trail. Hang in there: I’m sure you’ll find someone

Thank you, John. You've been my rock lately.

I think I instinctively knew he was vanilla, which I'm actually relieved to confirm. I like him as a friend to go do things with, but something was missing-- a deeper connection that I seek. 

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2 hours ago, Chawsee said:

He came by this morning to see me, noticed right away that I was feeling down (been through two hard losses this past week), and took me to Polson (a little town on the south end of Flathead Lake, the largest freshwater lake west of the Mississippi). We spent six hours together, during which I came out of the closet. It was a relief that he took it better than I anticipated. But it's official-- he will be remaining in the friendship-only category. I have to admit that I sensed this from the start.

wow, Chawsee.  Yeah, sorry to hear this in one way, but in another way it's good that you were very brave early on and probably saved yourself a lot more pain down the road.  

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9 minutes ago, firm_receiving_firm_giving said:

wow, Chawsee.  Yeah, sorry to hear this in one way, but in another way it's good that you were very brave early on and probably saved yourself a lot more pain down the road.  

Thanks. Your outreach is appreciated. 

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14 hours ago, Chawsee said:

He came by this morning to see me, noticed right away that I was feeling down (been through two hard losses this past week), and took me to Polson (a little town on the south end of Flathead Lake, the largest freshwater lake west of the Mississippi). We spent six hours together, during which I came out of the closet. It was a relief that he took it better than I anticipated. But it's official-- he will be remaining in the friendship-only category. I have to admit that I sensed this from the start.

Hi Chawsee

 I’m sorry to hear that you are going through a lot at this time. 
my Thoughts and best wishes  are with you doing these crazy times.

Also, I apologize if my question was insensitive and nosy. I was really hoping to hear a success story on this one.  

Finally, I want you to know that your posts are always so thoughtful and insightful.  I look forward to reading your responses to all the topics! You are a phenomenal part of this community. 
I’m sure you will find the right partner, and that will be one lucky lucky man.  
 

cheers! 

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Spanking and the vanilla. They just don't mix. I've been rather fortunate. I have a female friend (with benefits) who I talked into spanking me. She's gotten pretty dang good at it, for a vanilla. But, there is a bit of an asterisk there. She used to be a topless dancer a few years ago. That's how we met. So...does she even qualify as vanilla? LOL. 

When I'm not being spanked by her, I see a professional disciplinarian. I suppose I'll always see professionals. My very first spanking experience was via a professional and so I've kind of gotten spoiled. For me, nothing tops a session with a pro. It's on another level entirely. 

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8 hours ago, Naughtyboy50 said:

Hi Chawsee

 I’m sorry to hear that you are going through a lot at this time. 
my Thoughts and best wishes  are with you doing these crazy times.

Also, I apologize if my question was insensitive and nosy. I was really hoping to hear a success story on this one.  

Finally, I want you to know that your posts are always so thoughtful and insightful.  I look forward to reading your responses to all the topics! You are a phenomenal part of this community. 
I’m sure you will find the right partner, and that will be one lucky lucky man.  
 

cheers! 

Thank you, NaughtyBoy. No worries-- your question was not at all insensitive or nosy. Just the opposite... You are appreciated for your caring and your kind words. --Chawsee 

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