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HannahKae

Trigger Warning. Proceed with Caution. Not Spanking Related..

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I have no where else to go with my feelings so I apologize in advance.. I just really needed somewhere to let this all out...

The hardest part of this is knowing how calculated he was.. he left his car running, driver door open, with the back-end of the car still in the road so someone would find him, he left his license and wallet out next to him so he could be identified and then on April 23rd, between the hours of 5AM and 7AM my little brother, only 21 years old, decided he was tired of fighting and shot himself on the beach.. He always loved the beach.. Our family has this little hobby/fixation for collecting rocks from beaches, he even had a small collection we found while going through his stuff.. They've always been a peaceful and happy place for my whole family. We would visit them often... I live next to the beach.. but now I can't go there without feeling a huge weight on my chest. My chest physically hurts so bad that some days I just want to rip it out. I'm just so mad.. I'm mad at my grandmother. My brother live with her at the time and she KNEW he'd bought a gun and she KNEW he struggled with depression. This last week she kept talking about his last month here and talked about how he would take trips to Olympia and Bellingham for days to just "catch up with friends". She has gone through this with someone before and my brother show ALL OF THE FUCKING SIGNS that he was planning to kill himself and she didn't even once mention her worry to ANYONE. She didn't mention the gun, nothing. But of course I can't tell her that because I know she already blames herself and it's not her fault... but maybe, just maybe he would still be here if she had just told someone... I'm pissed at my brother.. I mean... I know he loved us all so deeply, so how in the hell could he have done this to us.. to me?! He went around saying "goodbye" to a bunch of people but didn't even text me a simple "I love you" or something.. but no, nothing.. He never said goodbye to me.. He was my brother, my first best friend.. we were only a year apart in age... we shared everything... He had to have known this would destroy us but he did it anyway.. I understand it.. I suffer from severe clinical depression myself... I've been through this and the ONLY thing that kept me alive and still does is knowing that if I die, my pain not only gets passed on, but would become twice as worse.. I'm so angry because I'm NEVER going to get closure, I'm never going to understand why now, what the deciding factor was, nothing.. Also he ruined the beach for me.. The place I frequent for solace and now all I can think of is him dead and alone in the rocks.. I'm also really mad at myself.. I knew he was struggling.. back in October he called me from a bridge because he wanted to die and I had to talk him down.. I tried my best to message him and check on him...but I should have tried harder... I should have called my grandma and asked questions.. maybe I should have told someone... The only reason I didn't was because I don't want people telling other about the time I tried to kill myself.. That's MY story and it's my choice who hears it.. I wanted to give him the same courtesy.. but I should've known.. I should've tried harder.. I personally know how this illness affects our minds and thoughts... I should've been there to be the "voice of reason" during the times when the voices were too loud.. I couldn't save him.. On top of all this, there have been people at my house the past 2 weeks.. non stop.. taking over every crevice and rearranging things.. and also trying to force me to grieve how they think is best.. forcing me to say goodbye... but I'M NOT READY TO SAY GOODBYE.. I can't just say goodbye to someone who I grew up with over the past 21 (almost 22) years in 2 weeks.. I don't think I'll ever be able to say goodbye.. Not only that, but they all keep looking at me with these sad puppy dog eyes like they're expecting me to just break down.. I can't cry in front of people. It's always been something I could never quite do..  and everyones just trying to get me to cry and say goodbye like they think I'm in denial or something.. I know he's dead, but the only way I'm going to get through this without dying myself is to "laugh" and make jokes and just.. take the sadness in increments.. I know I'm rambling.. and I'm sure no one would really be reading this far in... I just not okay.. I don't know what to do or how to handle this.. I want to rip my heart out of my chest.. I wish I could die.. I'm so so sick of life just being this never ending pain. no relief, no "light at the end of the tunnel". It was always going to be dark for the rest of my life and now.. well now lets just say it's darker.. so dark I can't see anything..and I don't know how to get out..I know I won't do it.. my family wouldn't survive.. but I just wish.. I wish there could be a way out.. It physically hurts.. so bad.. the physical pain in my chest is almost worse than the emotional pain..I guess that's a broken heart for you... If you read this all thanks for listening.. I just.. needed to get some feelings out and had no where else to go.. It's pretty lonely right now.. 

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Wow. There really are no words for this, but you have my heartfelt sympathy. So sorry.

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There is so much grief loosing someone you love and care about. Especially, in that way.

I read your full post and can only wavy to give you a hug (and know that won’t help right now). 

I too had a similar experience with someone I was super close with. They said goodbye to a couple people and not me. A therapist once asked me to pose the thought that maybe they couldn’t. That they knew I’d know and try to stop them. 

This is a lot for anyone to process :( Please keep talking here. We do care. 

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I'm so sorry to hear this.  I hope there is some place you can get the help you will need to get through this. 

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I’m so sorry Hannah ❤️ 

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Hi HK.  One day at a time...hugs :).

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So sorry Hannah.  
 

I think COL might have hit it right - that he couldn’t tell you. 
 

There aren’t any good words - just time and that won’t make anything go away. You’ll just process. 

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It is ok to be sad and mad and all the other feelings you have right now. Your feelings make so much sense.  All of the could have been, should have been are hard to deal with. I understand very well what it is like to live with someone who is depressed and suicidal. I go to sleep every night wondering if tomorrow will be my daughter’s last day. 
One thing I have learned is that if someone is determined to commit suicide there is little others can do to stop it. This isn’t your your grandmother’s fault or anyone else’s. We can lock up meds and sharps and a determined person can break a glass or jump out a window or hurt themselves dozens of different ways. Feel your feels and don’t worry about if they are right or wrong. Hugs to you as you grieve. 

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Suicide is hell for those left behind..no doubt. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better, but believe me you have to go through the sadness, the anger, the what ifs, etc. It's all a part of the coping and grieving. It's one hell of a process. Everyone grieves differently. Don't let anyone tell you how to do it. Feel what you need to feel and don't worry about what others think.

My Husband shot himself 12 years ago. We had separated and divorced after he had an affair. Once we divorced, he married her and was miserable and less than 3 years later he was dead. The police and the Chaplain woke me up at 4 am to tell me. They told me that he had removed his current wedding ring and was found with the ring on, that I gave him. He had a picture of the two of us together near him. It was Easter Sunday and I had to tell my kids. I knew he was depressed and upset. I had talked to him 2 days before when he called and told me he couldn't see his kids that weekend. He had never had depression issues and suicide was the last thing I expected. I was in shock. I was devastated, but I locked all my feelings deep inside. I loved that man with all my heart. His affair and our divorce didn't change that. I didn't cry, but I was angry. I couldn't believe he left his sons who were 16 and 11. I spent almost 3 years helping my boys work through it. I did everything I could, they both had counseling, etc. I didn't allow myself to grieve. Finally in 2011, my boys seemed to be fairly stable and I lost it. i went through the crying, the sadness, the anger and the what ifs. My family and close friends understood, they knew the deep feelings I still had for him. They were glad I was finally showing some emotion. Others asked why I would grieve for someone who cheated on me, etc. Even the minister in my church thought it was silly. I went through a year where I did a lot of drinking and cycled through every emotion you could imagine. It was my current boyfriend who brought me back to life and helped me work though it all.

So, we all grieve differently.

Your brother's suicide is not your fault, it's not your Grandma's fault...as wifey said...if he wanted to do it, he would have found a way no matter what you did.

It's going to take some time, you'll never forget, but one of these days you will be able to forgive him, remember the love and bond you shared and think of the good times. In the meantime, allow yourself all the emotions. Don't worry about what others think. Surround yourself with family and friends if you need it. If you don't, ask them to leave and to give you some time. One of these days the beach will become a haven again. You'll be able to go and think of happy thoughts of your brother. Say good bye when you are you are ready, not when everyone else is.

Go see if a grief counselor if you feel you need to. I was amazed at how much they help. They understand all these crazy feelings and emotions. They can teach you how to use them, understand them and work through them.

In the meantime...know that we are here for you. Keep writing here when you need to vent. 

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Hannah I'm sorry yr going thru this I'm here to if you need to talk

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Hannah, I’m so sorry for your loss.  I went through a similar experience years ago...

 A guy I knew through work was always cheerful, a hard worker and was liked by one and all.  It was quite a shock to learn that one evening, he excused himself from the dinner table, went into the garage and shot himself.  It all seemed so pointless.  His funeral was the most gut wrenching experience I’d ever had.  Needless to say, his wife was an emotional train wreck.  He also left two little boys behind.  When I left the funeral home, I was torn between feeling so sorry for his family and being quite angry at him for doing this...

A few days later, I found out more details.  Apparently he was suffering from depression and was on medication.  It turns out that one of the unfortunate side effects of this medication was suicidal thoughts and actions...

Hannah, you talked about your brother  suffering from depression.  Is it possible that he was on medication and was going through the same thing that my friend went through?  Also, you talked about your grandmother and wondered why she knew what he went through but said nothing.  Is it possible that she may have dementia or maybe even Alzheimer’s?

Again, my sincerest condolences for your loss.  The shock and grief you are experiencing must be overwhelming.  Rest assured that there are people here who will offer aid, comfort and support if you desire.  Take care Hannah.  Add me to the list of people who you can talk to...

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On 5/8/2020 at 11:05 AM, braatman said:

Hannah, you talked about your brother  suffering from depression.  Is it possible that he was on medication and was going through the same thing that my friend went through?  Also, you talked about your grandmother and wondered why she knew what he went through but said nothing.  Is it possible that she may have dementia or maybe even Alzheimer’s?

He wasn't on medication at that time. If he was it likely wouldn't have happened honestly.. sometimes medications can cause suicidal tendencies but its not really a "side effect" when that happens it means you're having a reaction to the medications and need to be taken off immediately.. but my brother wasn't on medication at that time. My grandmother also doesn't have either of those disabilities. We actually had her tested only a few years ago to be sure. She's just a proud woman who also doesn't ever want to "bother anyone"..

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Thank you everyone for your support and kind words ❤️

Today I'm having a really hard time... It's taking every bit of what little willpower I have to keep away from sharp objects... I haven't hurt myself in almost 5 years now but today it's really hard to hold out... I went through my phone to try and find a friend to have them come over and just be with me and i realized.. I don't have anyone.. There are people I'm sure who care but it's 7 am and everyone lives at least 2 hours away from me.. and I haven't met enough people here to trust with my disability issues yet.. IDK what to do.. this whole stupid thing is so lonely.. I'm so tired.. it's been 4 weeks now and things have calmed down and everyone finally left but I realize I can't be alone yet... this whole last week and a half I have been sleeping only while my husband is at work to make sure someones here while I'm awake.. but now my insomnia's come back and I don't know what to do...Sorry to just kind of complain and be a bummer.

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