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What do You Think of FetLife?


Chawsee

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Fetlife

I thought a long time about what to say about this.

I'm incredible grateful for Fetlife:  it has been very valuable to me. I've been a member for many years; however, some of the things there and people there are so unsettling to me that I rarely check in there.

There are lots of very smart members there who have thought about these issues far more than I have. Some are even neuroscientists and don't hide their true identity. I don't see how several of them have time to post the volume of material that they do. But they're incredibly smart and caring. I once posted a question about why I sometimes cover my ears with a pillow when I'm being spanked very severely. I immediately got two replies from very intelligent people asking me if I had sensory issues and that reducing the sound would lessen my sensory overload.
Without telling you too much about me, I do have a sensory problem that I've had treated by professionals for years. I was floored. They picked up my issue from a brief post and put me at ease about it. What wonderful people and incredible resource.

Others there have scientific and academic references to spanking, dominance, and sadists and masochists. If you write  there, you're expected to provide academic level writing and footnotes. This is in my expected standard in my work. I so appreciate the fact that I can get real information, not hearsay.  They are very tolerant of divergent opinions, but will jump on someone who is abusive, or critical of others. This part of Fetlife is incredible.

 I've also felt very validated in that I can find others who have my exact same combination of interests. It's one of the only places that I've ever been that are accepting of combination of spankings and enemas, aside from the old groups that sprung up when I was very young (offshoots of AOL and CompuServe, I think).  There were lots of women then that would discuss this combination in these earlier groups.  The great majority of women have vanished from these sites, although I know they are out there, because my artist friends tell me that their girlfriends push them to give enemas to them and they don't want to. (I have considered offering to volunteer, and given the artistic libertarian nature of some of these people, they would probably do it.)     I also know that there are more women than men that expressed interest in spanking when studied scientifically. But, we've allowed the creeps to drive them out of places where we can talk with them online, except for a few very courageous people and in a few places like this one where there are very caring and active moderators.  

Now, here's why I'm not active in Fetlife. It's hard for me to even make a post without being jumped on by men who send me pictures of their genitals, frontal nudity in general, and their collection of equipment. I'm very clear in my profile that I'm only interested in women but I'm not looking for a partner as I have one. I find this disturbing to the point that I give up.

 I've also tried to start respectful posts there and have had people jump in with some of the grossest things I could possibly imagine. While I blocked and report them and some of them are removed, the site is just too big for these great moderators to ride herd on.

Finally, many of the people there seem to be scene players. I am not the sort of person that would go to one of these parties or even spank someone one time. There would have to be a relationship first.  

So, I'm very grateful to Fetlife. If I had a question about understanding myself or some sort of historical or neurological reference, it's the first place I would go. But it's not some place I would look for like-minded people or a place that I thought I could check in without having my guard up completely.

 

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I am not active on fetlife. But I lurk. I like some of their social functions and how it was suppose to be a kinky Facebook. I dislike anything sexual and a lot of the photographs of people on the site were of genitals and that is the last thing I want to see when trying to talk about my spanking desires. With that said weeding out that -- there are some pretty good spanko communities on Fet. 

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I think fetlife has its place. I've been a member there before, but I deleted my account mostly because it was honestly a very stressful site to be on at times. This is coming from a 25 year old female spankee. Being a young woman on that site can be difficult...and even more so when you are a bottom role. Even being blunt on my profile about what I wanted and didn't want, I got a good amount of messages that were vulgar or rude or explicit. I got a lot of fake doms trying to get me to meet or send explicit photos, and a lot of messages along the lines of, "I'll spank you if you do (insert some sexual act) for me in return." I also found it difficult to come across people who were just spankos. A number of times I was talked down to and invalidated for only being interested in spanking, being told how it's nothing more than an introduction to BDSM, that I'm just not experienced enough to understand that no one stays just a spanko. You also have to keep your guard up and be very liberal with the block button. It's a very sexualized site, and that really can't be avoided 100%. It is not a place I would look for partners, the interests there are just too broad and the community too large that predators are more easily able to go unnoticed at large.

The positive side of it, and the only reason I even sometimes consider rejoining, is it honestly is one of the best places to find real life events based around your individual interests. I'm the type of person more interested in going to spanking parties and munches for spankos. I like the idea of being a part of the local spanking community, and meeting people in a group setting in real life rather than individually online. I've heard a number of times that with local communities, it's easier in that if there is a predator or bad apple, word gets around quickly. You can get a better sense of people, and their reputation in the community. And I can't deny that when it comes to knowing the local groups and both local and national events that are available to you, fetlife is a great resource. It's the best way to get a sense of the local scene and opportunities. It also has a lot of very specific groups, so you can almost guarantee finding groups on the site that are a good fit to have discussions on your specific interests.

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    I don't trust the internet. Maybe I've been lucky. I've also been ridiculed,thought of as crazy,my feelings hurt bad too. I've been told that I have "that kind of look". People just guess-not people into it. Probably because I'm so short. I heard Paula Abdul is tiny. I've seen old pictures of her. Damn.

 

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15 hours ago, tryingit said:

Yes they certainly asked for a phone number.  I suspect those saying they don’t ask are people who signed up a while ago.  They want your phone number to “verify” your account with a confirmation text (same thing Facebook uses as an excuse to get your number).  

They said only way not to have phone number required is to get an invite from a “supporting member.”  I guess that means someone paying them regularly.

It has been over 10 years since I joined Fetlife so I have no idea what they require to join now.  I use to be a "supporting member".  My subscription ran out back in December and I never renewed it.  But for $5 a month, you can watch a lot of videos for free and be able to go through activity on someone's profile for a long ways if you are wanting to find out what they have posted.  

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1 hour ago, FtWorthOTK55 said:

It has been over 10 years since I joined Fetlife so I have no idea what they require to join now.  I use to be a "supporting member".  My subscription ran out back in December and I never renewed it.  But for $5 a month, you can watch a lot of videos for free and be able to go through activity on someone's profile for a long ways if you are wanting to find out what they have posted.  

Well I don’t think you can sign up as a supporting member to start without verification.  Again, if you have been a long time ago maybe you were grandfathered in.  I’m not sure how you’d pay every month without giving them address and maybe even phone info for your credit card.

 

In my case though if it weren’t for this I might have tried the site, but from what I saw from outside with a partially verified and restricted account, it didn’t seem so great.

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33 minutes ago, tryingit said:

I’m not sure how you’d pay every month without giving them address and maybe even phone info for your credit card.

If you are already a registered member, you can pay for the upgraded membership using several different gift cards.  I think I bought a $60 Lowes gift card to get a one year membership.  At that time, they could not take credit cards because the credit card companies would not allow the transactions.  Now they say they accept Visa, V Pay, Mastercard, Maestro, Bankcards, Gift Cards, Bit Coins, Money Orders and checks.  Not sure about creating a new account though.    

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I was able to learn about a few spanking parties through FetLife, though I only got a spanking at one of them. Like most dating sites, FetLife seems to be full of liars, half-assers, and abandoned profiles.

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On 4/17/2020 at 3:07 AM, tryingit said:

I’m not really into seeing people’s naked photos.  Sure if we meet, even in a non-sexual encounter, maybe such will occur.  But showing the world is cheap. 

How very judgemental of you.

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  • 8 months later...
On 4/16/2020 at 8:07 PM, tryingit said:

... I’m not really into seeing people’s naked photos.  Sure if we meet, even in a non-sexual encounter, maybe such will occur.  But showing the world is cheap.  

 

On 4/19/2020 at 4:11 AM, MaryJo1996 said:

How very judgemental of you.

I disagree with this comment. @tryingit is expressing his opinion of Fetlife, which is exactly what I asked people to do. He wasn't personally attacking anybody, and he has every right to his viewpoints, including what he doesn't like about Fet-- the naked photos. It's pretty clear that several others here are in agreement with him. 

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3 hours ago, Chawsee said:

 

I disagree with this comment. @tryingit is expressing his opinion of Fetlife, which is exactly what I asked people to do. He wasn't personally attacking anybody, and he has every right to his viewpoints, including what he doesn't like about Fet-- the naked photos. It's pretty clear that several others here are in agreement with him. 

He's saying people who post naked pics are cheap. It's judgemental.

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On 4/18/2020 at 2:11 PM, Zhal said:

I was able to learn about a few spanking parties through FetLife, though I only got a spanking at one of them. Like most dating sites, FetLife seems to be full of liars, half-assers, and abandoned profiles.

LOL... I had the same experience. Include psychos and men looking for vanilla sex ( it's a kink site, guys!) Plenty of liars and half- assers. I think I'd describe it as minority kink and a lot of fuckboys! Fuckboys have never been my thing- prefer men with a bit more class. There are some genuine people but they seemed to be in the minority. I deactivated my account a few months ago and apart from a 10 min visit to help some-one raise a person from the dead, I haven't been back! Funny thing is I don't even miss the site. I was going to delete my account but kept it just in case I find a Daddy who uses it. I prefer this site- in the most people are more genuine and real spankos. The site was just a complete waste of my time and I wasn't getting any benefits from being on there.

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38 minutes ago, Englishman said:

So what? Isn't he allowed an opinion?

But he has no idea of the circumstances which would lead someone to do that. There's nothing wrong with having an opinion, I never said otherwise, but brandishing anyone who has posted/shared naked pics as "cheap" is pretty poor of someone.

Was I cheap when at 15 I made the mistake of sharing naked pictures online, or was I just incredibly stupid? I'd definitely say the latter.

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I am there.  It is "okay."  I was there years ago, too, and it was a bit more fun back in the day.  I feel now if you are not a star or regular party-goer (2020 was the year I was planning on starting to attend spanking parties, fml), it is hard to get noticed, especially if you present as just a good old-fashioned spanko.  There are groups, but a lot I have found just don't spark as much interest as they should, it seems a lot of folks that don't understand what being a spanko is will post, or it will be spanko conversation, but the same discussions I've seen repeated ad-nauseam for years and years. 

However, I have made some friends, and have even met play partners through FetLife.  In general, it is a mixed bag. I wish they would update their site a bit, and get a little more mobile-friendly.  The layout hasn't changed in the 11 years that I have known it.

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8 hours ago, MaryJo1996 said:

He's saying people who post naked pics are cheap. It's judgemental.

We are each different in what we find offensive. Many people here would agree that they found nothing offensive whatsoever about TryingIt's post. In reading your other comment to Englishman, I can understand why the original statement triggered you. You stated that you posted nude photos of yourself online when you were 15. So you probably felt like this was a personal judgement against you. It wasn't. It was simply an observation about the general lack of modesty seen on FetLife, which lots of people complain about. That is offensive to them

When we read something that triggers us, we can express our viewpoint without a personal attack or character judgement against the individual with whom we disagree. Next time, a better approach would be to say something like, "Sometimes people post nude pictures online, thinking it feels right at the time, without considering the consequences that may haunt them later."

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16 minutes ago, Chawsee said:

We are each different in what we find offensive. Many people here would agree that they found nothing offensive whatsoever about TryingIt's post. In reading your other comment to Englishman, I can understand why the original statement triggered you. You stated that you posted nude photos of yourself online when you were 15. So you probably felt like this was a personal judgement against you. It wasn't. It was simply an observation about the general lack of modesty seen on FetLife, which lots of people complain about. That is offensive to them

When we read something that triggers us, we can express our viewpoint without a personal attack or character judgement against the individual with whom we disagree. Next time, a better approach would be to say something like, "Sometimes people post nude pictures online, thinking it feels right at the time, without considering the consequences that may haunt them later."

Thanks Chawsee.  I said doing something is cheap, not that those who do it are cheap for life.  If we are going to scientifically dissect the words, let’s at least do it accurately.

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4 minutes ago, Spankalogical said:

First of all...

How about everyone calm down, I don't think we need to resurrect an 8 month old topic just to burn each other regarding differences of opinions and things said almost a year ago.

Thanks for caring, Spankalogical, but I think everything is under control. Courtesy toward one another is a timeless skill that has no expiration date. 

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3 hours ago, Chawsee said:

We are each different in what we find offensive. Many people here would agree that they found nothing offensive whatsoever about TryingIt's post. In reading your other comment to Englishman, I can understand why the original statement triggered you. You stated that you posted nude photos of yourself online when you were 15. So you probably felt like this was a personal judgement against you. It wasn't. It was simply an observation about the general lack of modesty seen on FetLife, which lots of people complain about. That is offensive to them

When we read something that triggers us, we can express our viewpoint without a personal attack or character judgement against the individual with whom we disagree. Next time, a better approach would be to say something like, "Sometimes people post nude pictures online, thinking it feels right at the time, without considering the consequences that may haunt them later."

Please, attempt to be more patronising...

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@Spankalogical It's SN this is how it goes! Most fight and then kiss and make up. That's life... people argue and then forgive. If they don't, they move on.

@Chawsee We know that you will always try to keep the peace. Also, there's more to this situation than meets the eye... it's hard to see because you don't come into main so don't get to see who does stuff just to antagonise people. Not your fault but @MaryJo1996 is a good person and I have her back just like I would have yours too?

And @MaryJo1996 I don't think that she was trying to be patronising, she just doesn't have the full details about this situation. I think you might get on, if you got to know her. She's a female warrior like us and doesn't take shit off anyone?

 

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