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Hey Guys!  Would you please help me out? For all of you men who submit to a female disciplinarian (whether as a spankee or switch), what is something you'd like her to know? This can be anything from how you prefer to be lectured, to a tip on spanking technique, to aftercare suggestions, to maybe just something you've wanted to say.  
 
The best tips, advice, and heartfelt truths come from you, so thanks for sharing. Insights "straight from the horse's mouth" always help me. The more you guys teach me, the more skilled I become at what I do.  

 

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I think the very fact that you are willing to ask and listen makes you fantastic.  Some who have spanked me seem to have their own agendas even after I have told them very specifically what I desire.

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Personally I feel like it's important for both a spanker and spankee (regardless of who's in which role) to come with things that they want out of a relationship generally, and spanking sessions specifically. You both want to feel like you're fulfilling some need for one another - so simply being a blank slate as far as what you want to do can make it harder to talk and come up with ideas about how things will actually work. (Of course, your mileage will vary - that depends on the individuals)

But knowing the spanker WANTS to discipline the spankee... knowing they enjoy it and feel fulfilled by giving it - that's an important thing to communicate. And what aspects really make them satisfied - if it's the change in behaviour, the actual spanking itself, the aftercare, some combination - that helps communication and avoids frustration. 

For male spankees, being submissive is a space that's really different from most of a guy's normal life... being vulnerable, being submissive, being the center of attention, being powerless... it's a really special kind of space to be in. 

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5 minutes ago, secretman said:

...knowing the spanker WANTS to discipline the spankee... knowing they enjoy it and feel fulfilled by giving it - that's an important thing to communicate. And what aspects really make them satisfied - if it's the change in behaviour, the actual spanking itself, the aftercare, some combination - that helps communication and avoids frustration. 

For male spankees, being submissive is a space that's really different from most of a guy's normal life... being vulnerable, being submissive, ... being powerless... it's a really special kind of space to be in. 

Secretman hit on some important aspects...

Chawsee, You would like us to tell You how to punish us more effectively? And, not surprisingly, we male spankees are delighted to tell You (most of the time, but we might be scared, too!). i'm not sure i should even answer this question!

A few thoughts...lectures, if given, are most effective while You are spanking, paddling, and strapping...or at least at the beginning...until You are only concentrating on the physical punishment...

...a personal preference...stay completely clothed! ... while we are completely unclothed, and vulnerable, and embarrassed...

...push our limits...make us take the paddling we need, and that hopefully You enjoy giving...

...be assertive...like, in ordering us to undress, get into positions...obey...

...be willing to communicate, before and after punishments...

...we likely can take more paddling than You may have imagined?

...use a variety of implements...such as paddles and straps...

...be clear about how and when we may address You...

...let us know You are going to paddle us, and that it's going to hurt, a lot...and be memorable...and that You can paddle us when You want and how You want...as much as You want...

...aftercare? -- a hug is really great (maybe even accompanied by a few spanks?); some kind of lotion might be an extra...or water if needed...and the follow-up communication...

...i'm sure i could come up with a lot more...and i'm confident that You are excellent at what You do!! ... who am i to instruct You???

 

 

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That being spanked is an important & rare event, at least to me.  So much emotional energy is built up over time, just imagining what it will be like when it actually occurs.  I hope that it is as special for the woman as well as myself ,and not just a job.  Some of the spankings I have gotten in the past seemed like the spanker was just going through the motions, and not invested in how special it was to the guy over her knee.  To me I could always tell the difference between doing a spanking session ,and getting a real spanking from lady that understands the emotional dynamics.  Of course all of this comes about from good communication. 🙂

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For me, spanking is about a relationship, a friendship.

I would want to get to know you, and understand what your thoughts, motivations, and interests are regarding spanking. You are going to have expectations, demands, things you find interesting, stimulating. Just like me, your spanking interest comes from somewhere. You didn’t invent it. It has roots in you, and your experience.

I would share the same. I like certain implements (belt), positions (laying down). I like the vibe of discipline (intense, hard), but don’t need you to check my homework, or necessarily be a confessional. I like the psychology and ritual of spanking. I have certain triggers in terms of being lectured for atonement.

Somewhere after that, we’d negotiate. Knowing what each other’s expectations were. I hate the paddle, but you might love it. You may be indifferent to the belt. You may love OTK, while I am indifferent. You might insist on at least a maintenance spanking every other week. Whatever. Who knows. It’s a way of getting both of our interests and needs met— while providing an opportunity for you as the spanker to negotiate me out of my comfort zone. Perhaps to new spanking situations, or perhaps to more intense spankings. Things I wouldn’t have considered without a little poke or tickle.

Or— we’re not a good fit and part ways. Like any relationship.

The bottom line is I’d want it to be real. And I’d want to maximize what we both get out of it. And I’d want to commit to what we agreed to for a period of time. I am a switch, and as a spanker, it sucks to have one’s spanked go AWOL. And as a spanked it sucks to have a spanker not really focused, committed. A “spanking contract”. That also helps the discipline vibe. That choices and commitments have consequences. I agreed to this with Ms Chawsee, so I am paying with my butt for as long as I agreed. 
 

 

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This is from someone who would like to be submitting to a female disciplinarian but isn't. It's what pushes my buttons when I think about the kind of relationship I want. Maybe it only has value as a fantasy or as a part of a roleplay, or maybe it could figure into the everyday of a relationship. You decide.

  • The ER making it clear that they see the EE as someone in need of regular, firm discipline. Not quite sure how that's done, maybe it happens over time, maybe that's just the result when all the pieces of the puzzle are in place. I can see letting them know that you'll enjoy spanking them when the opportunity arises, or looking at them regularly while thinking about spanking, as two things you could do to convey that. However it's done, as a would be EE I imagine that her recognition of this aspect of me would be both humbling and bonding.
  • Frequently using the language of spanking. Talking about it casually like needing to discipline one's partner is the most normal thing in the world. Ignoring whether it makes the EE feel uncomfortable or embarrassed. This is talk between the couple only not out in public or bringing other people into it. It's good to let the bad behavior that preceded the spanking go, but talking about the spanking itself and how they took it, especially if they took it badly, is a strong way to show dominance.
  • Expressing satisfaction after administering a punishment. The ER wanting to discipline the EE is a big deal. There's a place for showing amusement at the EE's distress, even a little taunting and mockery. For me these would be insufferable outside of an exclusive relationship (as would the spanking itself) but inside of one that was strong, they're pretty hot. They're good before, during and after comforting. Particularly pointed teasing might be better accompanied with some physical contact, at least some of the time.
  • Spanking soundly enough to leave the EE crying for a little while afterwards. A bare bottom over the knee, tilted towards the heavens, quivering in time to the EE's sobbing is the picture of defeat. There isn't much of a question who won this battle of wills. If you can get to this point, let them have a minute or two to take it in before comforting or letting them up.
  • Changing moods quickly. First let me say this isn't about anger, which is mostly self indulgent and not a good look on disciplinarian or anyone else. Annoyance and irritation have their place but anger not so much, it's distancing. Moving on, there's something intoxicating about a partner who is mostly happy and friendly and warm and supportive who quickly snaps to stern and demanding, asking uncomfortable questions whenever she suspects her expectations haven't been met. Part of this is her being very sensitive to the EE's attitude and mood and quick to call him out on the carpet when she finds them unacceptable.
  • And there's a place for a little fear as well. Not fear of the ER because who wants to live with that, but a little fear at the prospect of disappointing them.

Those are some of the elements that I don't see mentioned all that often. I get that few people will want all of these in their relationship with a partner but it's what speaks to me. Maybe if I was living it, I wouldn't want it either. But I think I would.

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7 minutes ago, Naughtyboy50 said:

Wide-eyed.... so well said! 

Thanks. I've had some time to think it over.

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I am giving individual attention to each of your posts and reading carefully what you have said. These are fantastic replies. :thanks:

 

 

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Some less general and more personal thoughts...

I find myself responsible for so many things in life. Most of them material or abstract and related to professional things. It is frustrating and exhausting having it be so intangible and fleeting. Shifting. Complexities on top of complexities. It is nice to be held responsible for something very finite and tangible. And to be held accountable in a very embodied way. Instead of in my head in my body. A very hard and painful spanking is perfect for that. I agreed with the spanker that I would get this if I did something... or just because it is Tuesday... and I am white knuckling it.

Another thing is that it is rare to be submissive to a woman for me. It is not that I am necessarily wholly dom with the women in my life. Dragging them around by the hair like a caveman. Even sexually, a woman taking charge, getting on top, is hardly being wholly submissive. I appreciate that power exchange with a woman. But she has to really embody it herself. It’s not about saying degrading and castrating things to me. Rather enjoying our juxtaposition. My bare butt is up in the air, and she has a belt. Go for it. It is what I would do if the tables were reversed.

I have previous childhood spanking experiences that are anchors for me as a switch. As both a spanker and spankee. If I am a spankee, it is nice sometimes if the spanker can revisit those. That’s less about the spanker being a proxy mother. It’s more like my maternal spanking experiences stopped here— let’s pick up from there in terms of the implements, positions, punishment vibes. It starts the spanking off with more energy. Pushes more buttons...

... which is important as there are few releases as an adult male like that from a solid thorough and extended spanking. If not crying, just the release in giving up, not struggling, taking it.

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Chawsee, You are learning a lot about us...Wouldn't it only be fair to tell us what You want from a spankeeee? What You look for in a spankeee, what You like? What results do You like?

What would You like a spankee to know?

Please play fair...(although clearly, we play by Your rules?)

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2 hours ago, ammon said:

Chawsee, You are learning a lot about us...Wouldn't it only be fair to tell us what You want from a spankeeee? What You look for in a spankeee, what You like? What results do You like?

What would You like a spankee to know?

Please play fair...(although clearly, we play by Your rules?)

Haha-- you caught me there, Ammon. Yes, fair is fair-- I will share. May I have a couple of days, though, before doing so? I'm getting so much out of listening to you guys that I worry about interrupting this wonderful thought-flow.

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1 minute ago, Chawsee said:

Haha-- you caught me there, Ammon. Yes, fair is fair-- I will share. May I have a couple of days, though, before doing so? I'm getting so much out of listening to you guys that I worry about interrupting this wonderful thought-flow.

As You wish, Chawsee, although, for me, the sooner the better!!

Thank You, Chawsee!

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I've been thinking about this and for me, the most important elements are the overall atmosphere and attitude of the spanker ( be they male or female ). Someone can have the best implements etc in the world but if they don't have the attitude it wouldn't work for me.

As an example, I had an interesting incident at work a few weeks ago. I work in a public library and we have a rotating duty manager system. On that day a younger female colleague was in charge so she had some authority over me. We were sorting through some books in the office and one came up about Greenwich in South London. As we're friends as well and have shared personal stuff before I told her that this place brought back strong memories for me as it's where as a 10 year old I'd been really naughty and had been threatened but not actually spanked by my Dad. She just happened to be a little bit higher than me as she was sitting on a table. She looked at me disapprovingly, shook her head slowly and said "tut tut ...Warwick....naughty boy !" and smiled slightly. Now I have no idea if this woman is a spanko or not  and obviously nothing happened but if the context had been different and the following words had been " I think we need to have a "discussion" about this ..." I think she would definitely have the right attitude...

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You tips on how to make our spankings more painful and efficacious? Yes Ma'am.

The first thing I would say is pay attention to the ritual aspects of punishments. You can have the EE fetch and organize the implements that about to turn his backside raw. You should likewise order the EE to do every necessary to prepare the room, and order him to undress himself.  Save all your energy for merciless swats to his behind.  Every command should be anwsered affirmatively with a "Yes ma'am." Yes ma'am/no ma'am is an especially submissive phrase in English, especially when the man is in tears. As to having him undress. I like it when the ER starts with her hand over my clothed bum. Then, I am sternly ordered to stand up face her, and drop my pants, and lower my underwear. Her, facing the ER with groin exposed and bum feeling cool are, is a good interlude for a scolding. I think its best if pants stay around the ankle for most of the punishment. The underwear can be lowered in front and back so its somewhere between the knees and behind. This is particularly useful if one is wearing an undershirt and briefs as they are white and will frame the EE's backside, making it clear that its to be the center of attention. From here, my favorite positions are bent over furtinure, hands grabbing ankles, and even the diaper position for the last stages of punishment maybe with a lighter spoon. I like it because to hold position, you have to spread your legs, thus offering more sensitive part of your backside. When we are in position, is a good time for scolding. Ask us semi-rhetorical questions do we know whats going to happen to our rear end? "Yes ma'am." Hopefully, at this point you'll hear fear. Ask what we need, "to be spanked, strapped, scolded, and paddled, please ma'am. (We'll know from having prepared the implements.) Finally, during the spanking order us to stick our butt out further, to keep it in place or to get it back into place, "arch your back to lift your rear." Expect to hear "yes ma'am" Any failure should result in more time feeling the strap. Be particularly picky about position. Order is to serve corner-time in between corner time with or head bowed and noise touching the wall so that our behind sticks out, or simply prostrate so our backside is presented. During this time, use your hand on  bare skin during scoldings. It doesn't have to misconduct. "Does your backside hurt?" Yes ma'am. Not enough, Swat. You know what happen if you try to rub it, "Yes ma'am." "This will feel like a love tap" Swat! Be stern,  expect your orders to be obeyed quickly, scold us if we aren't timely. Making us get water and ordering us to rub it on our rear end before the end of the spanking to increase the sting can be extremely effective. Ask us where the spanking is hurting our butt the most "Where the rear meets the thighs ma'am" and ask us where we need to be spanked "where the rear meets the thighs man. Use the strap last before the diaper position. Tear into us and give us an extra 5 swats for any failure to hold position, 10 for to comply with an order, and 20 if we rubbed our rear during corner time or tried to cover our backside during the spanking. Corner time and "ask what's most effective for spanking where the rear and thighs meet," I would reply the diaper position ma'am. If we are crying and we should be at this point try to up the yes/no questions. A man sounds and feels particularly submissive saying "yes ma'am and no ma'am'" through tears. Ask how we should be spanked, "the diaper position ma'am. This is one you might help us into, but we should be able to hold it by under our knees. Afterwards, have us do a chore like cleaning the kitchen floor with a red behind on display and be there with the strap to remind is to be rubbing the floor with the sponge and not our rear.  

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20 hours ago, Chawsee said:
 For all of you men who submit to a female disciplinarian (whether as a spankee or switch), what is something you'd like her to know? This can be anything from how you prefer to be lectured, to a tip on spanking technique, to aftercare suggestions, to maybe just something you've wanted to say.  
 
The best tips, advice, and heartfelt truths come from you, so thanks for sharing. Insights "straight from the horse's mouth" always help me. The more you guys teach me, the more skilled I become at what I do.  

 

Hi Chawsee,

First, may I offer my praise for your wishing to make a spanking optimal for everyone.  

I think that these widely diverse responses demonstrate how each person has individual needs.  I am struck by how different that they are.  As I can tell, the core need varies a great deal.  Some of us want deep pain and consolation afterwards.  Others want what ancient flagilants wanted:;  "Scolding, condemnation, sentencing, pentance, forgiveness and admonition to do better.

My own needs are seem to change based on my mood.  They range from a gentle beginning with a lecture on how I need the spanking and a promise to help me get through it but assurance that it will hurt until I surrender.  It may be followed by more intrusive correction.  Other times, I want to be ordered to strip, lie over a pillow and get lots of fast, hard strokes from a bath brush with no warm up and no loving afterward.  I am not always sure which I need but my friend usually knows more than I do about what I need (not want) and I guess giving up to her at the beginning is part of what matters to me:  freedom from responsibility and a total sensory overload resulting in complete surrender.

Thanks for asking.

Now, as a spanker, I am looking for something else from her.   Happy to share at the appropriate time.

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For me, it needs to be an adult spanking to be most effective. I am always circling back to experiences in my home as emotional references and as a point of departure... it is who we are, the sum of our experiences... but for me, serious discipline can not be regressive. It might be hooked into a maternal or paternal experience, but it has to be discipline as a grown man. I have to relate to the spanker as an adult. A peer that I am engaged in a power exchange and submission with. For me I can’t return to being a little. I have to face it as an adult man. Language and spanking ritual needs to support that meeting of peers. Submission hits harder as an adult. And for me, the spirit of it needs to be in the same vein. I have entered a contract and I am paying up with my hide. Language reminding of that is useful as well. There is no way out except to pay fully. Finally the discipline itself needs to be fit for an adult. For me, unsentimental, unwavering. To the point. Calibrated for an adult in terms of intensity and severity. It is better trade intensity that will take my breath away for fewer swats or licks. At the end, returning to peers, and interacting as such. There are times for other styles, but that works for me.

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For me, the last post before mine from SwitchWithMe, hit the nail on the head!  The last thing I want is to be treated like a child.  Yes, I realize that spanking is considered a child's discipline but, obviously, we're not children anymore.  Having to give up control as an adult is a hard thing to do and to have someone belittling me in the process, would immediately put me on the defensive and ruin any effectiveness the experience would have.  And...the last thing I want, is to orchestrate my own discipline...I would want my spanker to make all the decisions on what happens.  The biggest thing that I remember from childhood, although I was NEVER spanked growing up, is how embarrassing it would be.  (..funny, I just got done saying that I don't want to be treated like a child yet my mind goes back there immediately!)  What scared me the most about possibly being spanked, back then AND now, is having my pants and underwear around my ankles...being exposed and vulnerable...THEN getting the spanking on top of that...would have, then...and I'm sure will still today, make me change my behavior.

One more thing...totally non-sexual!  I'm looking for discipline...discipline is discipline, it's not meant to be pleasurable.  There's a time for spanking and sex, I understand that, but this is not that time...for ME!  I emphasize ME because I realize this doesn't hold for everybody...I'm a firm believer in, "to each his own."

And I have not, to date, found a lady that agrees with what I've said here...at least not in the northeast USA!  (LOL!)

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On 3/30/2020 at 9:10 PM, SwitchWithMe said:

My bare butt is up in the air, and she has a belt. Go for it. It is what I would do if the tables were reversed.

 

On 3/31/2020 at 3:31 PM, "oftongueorpen" said:

Ask how we should be spanked

I don't know op you will find a small perspective of a new guy that never been spanked by a female disciplinarian as acceptable.

If the answer is yes then my first point is that i like the idea of asking how i should get it.

Second point is this that if you apply for example belt as implement be a spanker that execute precise spanking with that implement. Do not be a spanker that spank all over.

From my small amount of self spanking that i give to my self i have arrived at conclusion that poorly executed spanking resulted in destroyed experience and that would lead me to never wish to come back to be spanked by you if you would be my disciplinarian.

Build respect by means of precision spanking.

If i would be the guy that spanks a female bare booty with the belt because she wished for one i would want to be a precise spanker for her so she will get solid belting and not a failure.

Since she is ready i want to go for it.

And i would expect her to do the same to me.

 

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11 hours ago, SearcherForWisdom said:

...If you apply for example belt as implement be a spanker that execute precise spanking with that implement. Do not be a spanker that spank all over.

 

From my small amount of self spanking that i give to my self i have arrived at conclusion that poorly executed spanking resulted in destroyed experience and that would lead me to never wish to come back to be spanked by you if you would be my disciplinarian.

Build respect by means of precision spanking.

 

 

I couldn't agree more. Knowing one's implements and executing them with precision is of utmost importance. 

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I would start by telling her my prior experience with spanking, if any, currently none at the moment. I think that's very important. If she knows I am a novice, she will be extra careful to my reactions to the spanking, since it is completely unprecedented to myself even.

And the second thing I would want her to know is limits. I'm a spankee who could probably benefit from maternal discipline. But I am not a slave, and I don't want to be beaten black and blue. It's just a firm maternal spanking...nothing over the top.

And the third and most important thing is safe word during our first few sessions. I understand the spankee should not have control over his/her spankings. But I firmly believe that for a first few sessions, it is best to have safe words. Once the relationship builds on, eventually it can be removed. But until I gain enough trust with her, and she is able to read my reactions to close to perfect, I won't be willing to participate in a session without safe words. Better safe than sorry.

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I just noticed this question. I imagine it is different for each person on the receiving end which makes it difficult on the spanker. What works well for one spankee may have the opposite effect on another. For me, the number one thing I would ask is please don't rub my bottom during the spanking. I love the stinging sensation from a spanking and rubbing my bottom takes away from the sensation I like and crave. I would also say if I start to make noise or move a little I am okay. Please don't stop or ease up. I am approaching my limit but still have a ways to go and I enjoy it when a spanker takes me past my limits. Trust is important in that case and it is reassuring to have a conscientious and experienced spanker who is monitoring the condition of my flesh. I would also want the spanker to know that marks don't last long with me - they go away quickly. Some spankers have stopped too soon because of the way my bottom was looking - but in a relatively short period of time there was little or no evidence of the spanking. I would definitely want the spanker to know that she or he is in charge and I like it that way. I want and need the spanker to take charge - in a firm but fair way. I like real spankings for real reasons. I can take more spanking and am in a better mental place if we talk about why I am being spanked, be it punishment or stress relief, some dialog definitely adds to it. Some things that don't work for me: When a spanker is constantly changing implements. I have had a few spanker that seem to bring out every implement they own and want to give me a specific number of hits with each - it becomes predictable and interrupts or prevents me from getting to my limits. I am going on a bit so I will wrap it up. Good question, Chawsee. I applaud you for doing this research and striving to be a better spanker - although from things you've said, I believe you already give a good spanking.

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Something that's come up for me ( thinking about a session I had in the past that didn't go as well as it could have done ) is that it's very important for me to have a spanker who understands that during a punishment I do genuinely try to be obedient. I don't make a fuss during a spanking but I may kick my legs a little. If I cry or start pleading or promising to be good I understand that this won't stop the spanking but it is just a natural reaction. The thing that really upset me during that session was when the spanker said to be "are you angry ?" - when she saw that I was clenching my fists. This was simply to help me deal with the searing pain on my bottom from the paddle. I felt like I was doing everything wrong.

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I love it when my Disciplinarian scolds me loudly. I've been scolded to a point that I was in tears even before my pants came down. Loud scolding makes the punishment even more effective. I also benefit from some humiliation being mixed in with the scolding. For instance, in one session, I recall when my Disciplinarian was laying into me loudly, she mentioned how someone may hear me being spanked on that particular day. It was all part of the scene, of course. There wasn't anyone else around. It was just said as an add on to the session. 

It was SO humbling, imagining someone else hearing me being spanked to tears. And certain phrases are quite effective. When I'm referred to as "boy" that too is VERY humbling. I have been punished before for failure to show proper respect to others in my life. The scolding alone that I got was just amazing! She explained to me that respect was a two way street. And if I showed none then I could expect absolutely none. She had my chin in the palm of her hand and I had to look in her eyes the entire time. 

She said something like "those who are disrespectful will pay a steep price. You will not only be paddled for your disrespect, but, there is a bar of Ivory with your name on it! That's right, boy. I'm going to wash that disrespectful talk right out of your mouth" It was a moment I'll never forget, and as she was taking my pants down, I knew that this was going to be a painful punishment in more ways than one. I was already in pain from the scolding and ready to cry just thinking about the paddling and mouth soaping that was coming. I cried as I was being spanked and I was to count the smacks I was receiving. Only I lost count and she said "well, now we will start all over again". 

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