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Dating: When to Confess One's Spanking Fetish?


Chawsee

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On 3/13/2020 at 8:53 AM, Spanknutt said:

....If it is an absolute for you in a relationship, then you do the other person a disservice if you let them get close to you and then spring it on them....

 

You are so right, Spanknutt. I felt awful when it happened. Everyone thought for sure that he and I would marry, so I accepted that if he wasn't into it, I would have to endure without it. He was in such shock to learn this about me, though, that we began drifting apart at that point. That was 7 years ago. A whole lot of soul-searching later, I am concrete in my acceptance that spanking is integral for me.

6 hours ago, Skibum54 said:

 

....Also factor in how much you really like this person, is it worth exposing yourself, do you have mutual friends? Do you live in a community that is small, or a large city? .... I think these things need to be thought over before revealing a very important private part of yourself to another....

Excellent point, Skibum.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I would not enter into a dating relationship with some one who was not a spanker now.  In hind sight, I should have done that in my previous marriage.  If I had gotten my bottom blistered along with some other discipline, things would have been much better.  Also I am not adverse to giving a spanking if needed

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On 3/15/2020 at 4:30 PM, Chawsee said:

....If it is an absolute for you in a relationship, then you do the other person a disservice if you let them get close to you and then spring it on them...

I hadn't thought of this.

For me, it would be more than inconsiderate, it could be very hurtful to "lead someone on" and then tell them about spanking as being an essential criteria for you.  It might be thought of as withholding political beliefs.  I like to follow national politics and read the WSJ cover to cover, and watch the afternoon press briefings right now. If I had a partner who was strongly biased in either direction, I would not be able to discuss both sides of the issue. 

Same for spiritual matters.  If I met someone who was agnostic or in a spiritual group far removed from my beliefs, I would make it clear that there was no long-term future in the relationship.  Other interests are more flexible but spanking is non-negotiable because, for me, it requires active participation.  I guess it could involve acceptance of another person for spanking, but she would be more than a spanking partner.  I do not see how that would work for most women that I would consider marrying.

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In my young and single days I would bring spanking up as soon as I realized we were going to have sex

About 95% of the girls accepted it and allowed me to spank them. Of that group about half of them enjoyed it One girl hand never heard of it before and became a monster. She could not get enough and admitted when she was alone she even self spanked while masterbating  I wanted to marry her but since I had custody of my kids from a divorce she said no 

it's taken years for me to admit to myself I enjoy being spanked more than giving a spanking 

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Very much a dilemma for me!   I've waited to tell the men I've dated about my spanking interest.  Mostly because I'm afraid to bring it up.   Some have been good sports and tried it however I've usually directed them through it which isn't effective.  It always ends up awkward.  

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 3/13/2020 at 1:47 AM, Chawsee said:

If you were single and started seeing someone, and you had no idea how they felt about spanking, how soon would you bridge this conversation? I'd appreciate insights from you married folks, too. How far into the relationship were you when you and your (now) spouse had "the talk"? Or did you know before you started dating him/her? With a previous boyfriend I put it off a year, awkwardly hoping for that right opportunity. When it finally came and I told him, he was in shock. Spanking was something he was not at all interested in. I realized right then what a mistake I'd made in waiting that long. Yet how soon is too soon? Any thoughts?

Ma'am, I am resently single. Though i was in a form of FLR-DD marriage  from 1987-2009.  I believe that if you seek a DD relationship, it is best to search is with in the Domestic Discipline community. DD, CDD, FLR-DD,  Spencer Spanking Plan...  You are honest with yourself and this where you are looking you will be able to be honest with your future partner from the beginning.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I always find a way to introduce spanking into the conversation on the first date and sometimes on a first phone call.  I am not going to waste time dating a vanilla lady, unless she is interested at the first mention of spanking her, since spanking is a cornerstone of any relationship I have.  I do this in a number of different ways.  Often times when a lady pouts nicely or says something in a defiant manner, indicating that she may be headstrong, I remark that I know how to deal with ladies who tend to be stubborn, or if a woman swears/curses, I remark about how she has a potty mouth, I see.  That always leads to a conversation about spanking her.

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On 4/19/2020 at 3:53 PM, Jenna1220 said:

Very much a dilemma for me!   I've waited to tell the men I've dated about my spanking interest.  Mostly because I'm afraid to bring it up.   Some have been good sports and tried it however I've usually directed them through it which isn't effective.  It always ends up awkward.  

It is difficult when a woman needs a dominant male in her life and she has to be topping from the bottom.  And, too often this happens when a woman is physically attracted to a man and wishes that he would spank her even though he has never been presented with the situation before.

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  • 1 month later...

As soon as sex comes up. And be explicit. My wife was "into" spanking when we dated, but had a very different idea of what a spanking was. She thought it meant getting her butt slapped a few times during intimacy. When I gave her what I thought was a very slow newbie warmup, she thought it was exciting wild kinky sex with a new guy. We both made some mistaken assumptions, me that I could convert her and her that I was talking dirty and not being serious when I told her all the things I wanted to do to her early in our relationship.

If I had to do it again I would have been much more explicit early in the relationship; more fair to everyone involved.

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For me it's too central to my being to imagine a relationship without it.

So I gave up ever looking on vanilla dating sites (or places) as it was a needle in a haystack.  I didn't want to fall for the girl and then find she wasn't interested or would go through the motions to please me.

I want someone who wants/needs it as much as I do.

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A for a past "vanilla" relationship I had, I took things one small step at a time when we became intimate. She was very open to trying new things in bed so it wasn't too difficult. When talking about our past I causally brought up spanking to gauge a response. A couple days later, causally brought up light spanking during intimacy. That moved to different spanking positions, then bringing up implement. I started with basic little things like a wooden spoon or more kink type things like a ridding crop. I kept moving a little deeper casually bringing up different spanking topics until eventually she asked me if we should engage in DD type relationship. I think the key to my success came with 3 major factors.

1. I took baby steps when introducing new ideas and with intensity. I did not hit her hard at all at first.

2. I played to her strengths. She was open to trying new things in bed. So I chose that as my avenue of introduction. 

3. I made it seem like we were learning this together. even though I already knew. I never had a confessional with her. I played it off as a random idea and let it snowball. I let her explore. I had her engage. Asking what do you think/like?

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  • 1 month later...

I went through this earlier this year. Very complicated situation.

As friends we went on a hike. I explained that I enjoyed control and spankings.

A few weeks later she told me the hamster was running and she wanted to know more..

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1 hour ago, FirmSpankerMD said:

I went through this earlier this year. Very complicated situation.

As friends we went on a hike. I explained that I enjoyed control and spankings.

A few weeks later she told me the hamster was running and she wanted to know more..

...  ...  And... Then what happened?🙈

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I've been married for 25+ years now to my spanko wife (we are a switch couple).  So it's been a while since I was dating. 

But I do recall that I never actually brought up the subject of spanking with my dates.  I just introduced some light spanking during sex, and judged the reaction I got.  If the reaction was positive, I would take it up a notch each time and see where I could take it.  I think that would tell me a lot more about the potential each gal had as a spanking partner than any discussion beforehand would have revealed.  I mean, think of other sexual preferences.  How many of you have brought up the subject of oral sex, anal sex, or any other sexual preference ahead of doing the deed?  That doesn't seem practical.  You don't have a big discussion beforehand and negotiate the details, you just wait until you're both hot and sweaty, carefully and tentatively give it a try, and see what happens.

Even if that first sexual encounter doesn't go perfectly, I don't believe in this notion that our sexual preferences are set in stone.  You can develop a taste for new things if they are presented in the right way and nurtured along by the right partner.  I also think that there a lot of so-called vanilla folks who would make great spankos given the right introduction to it and some thoughtful guidance.  I wasn't surprised when 50 Shades turned out to be so popular.  I really felt that there were plenty of folks out there fascinated by thoughts of spanking and discipline, but never having the right time, opportunity, or partner to indulge in it. 

My biggest problem was that I wanted a switch partner.  That's a whole different challenge.  Finding gals who enjoyed a sexy spanking (at some level) was relatively easy.  Finding a gal who would spank me back was, like, impossible.  When I found my future wife, I felt like she was one-of-a-kind.  If I had not married her, I sometime wonder if I would ever have found somebody suitable to my needs.

 

       

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On 6/25/2020 at 6:20 PM, Rook said:

A for a past "vanilla" relationship I had, I took things one small step at a time when we became intimate. She was very open to trying new things in bed so it wasn't too difficult. When talking about our past I causally brought up spanking to gauge a response. A couple days later, causally brought up light spanking during intimacy. That moved to different spanking positions, then bringing up implement. I started with basic little things like a wooden spoon or more kink type things like a ridding crop. I kept moving a little deeper casually bringing up different spanking topics until eventually she asked me if we should engage in DD type relationship. I think the key to my success came with 3 major factors.

1. I took baby steps when introducing new ideas and with intensity. I did not hit her hard at all at first.

2. I played to her strengths. She was open to trying new things in bed. So I chose that as my avenue of introduction. 

3. I made it seem like we were learning this together. even though I already knew. I never had a confessional with her. I played it off as a random idea and let it snowball. I let her explore. I had her engage. Asking what do you think/like?

Yes.  Exactly.  That was totally how I approached it.  Although, I don't recall that I ever actually discussed it beforehand, except maybe hints and such.  But you hit the nail on the head.  You can encourage and develop an interest in spanking on the part of your partner even if they never experienced it before.  I think that there's a lot of spanko potential out there, just waiting for the right circumstances.  And this is from the perspective of having been in the dating scene 25+ years ago.  I've been out of circulation in that regard for a long time, but I have to believe that the pool of potential partners is even better now.

 

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On 8/5/2020 at 9:26 PM, Rand E said:

I've been married for 25+ years now to my spanko wife (we are a switch couple).  So it's been a while since I was dating. 

But I do recall that I never actually brought up the subject of spanking with my dates.  I just introduced some light spanking during sex, and judged the reaction I got.  If the reaction was positive, I would take it up a notch each time and see where I could take it.  I think that would tell me a lot more about the potential each gal had as a spanking partner than any discussion beforehand would have revealed.  I mean, think of other sexual preferences.  How many of you have brought up the subject of oral sex, anal sex, or any other sexual preference ahead of doing the deed?  That doesn't seem practical.  You don't have a big discussion beforehand and negotiate the details, you just wait until you're both hot and sweaty, carefully and tentatively give it a try, and see what happens.

Even if that first sexual encounter doesn't go perfectly, I don't believe in this notion that our sexual preferences are set in stone.  You can develop a taste for new things if they are presented in the right way and nurtured along by the right partner.  I also think that there a lot of so-called vanilla folks who would make great spankos given the right introduction to it and some thoughtful guidance.  I wasn't surprised when 50 Shades turned out to be so popular.  I really felt that there were plenty of folks out there fascinated by thoughts of spanking and discipline, but never having the right time, opportunity, or partner to indulge in it. 

My biggest problem was that I wanted a switch partner.  That's a whole different challenge.  Finding gals who enjoyed a sexy spanking (at some level) was relatively easy.  Finding a gal who would spank me back was, like, impossible.  When I found my future wife, I felt like she was one-of-a-kind.  If I had not married her, I sometime wonder if I would ever have found somebody suitable to my needs.

You make some good points here, Rand E. I think, though, that this is easier for men than it is for (at least some of us) women. Before marriage, I never had an intimate relationship with any of my three boyfriends. Physical affection was limited to holding hands, hugging, and maybe a quick kiss. Having been married once and divorced, I've loosened up a little on those standards, but they're still pretty rigid. I would never have intimate relations with a man unless in an exclusive, committed relationship with him. So in cases like mine, "the talk" is necessary because there's not going to be any casual sex just to "find out" how he responds to spanking. I do understand where you're coming from, though, and it makes sense. I just feel that I'm in a different situation. 

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19 hours ago, Chawsee said:

You make some good points here, Rand E. I think, though, that this is easier for men than it is for (at least some of us) women. Before marriage, I never had an intimate relationship with any of my three boyfriends. Physical affection was limited to holding hands, hugging, and maybe a quick kiss. Having been married once and divorced, I've loosened up a little on those standards, but they're still pretty rigid. I would never have intimate relations with a man unless in an exclusive, committed relationship with him. So in cases like mine, "the talk" is necessary because there's not going to be any casual sex just to "find out" how he responds to spanking. I do understand where you're coming from, though, and it makes sense. I just feel that I'm in a different situation. 

I grew up in LA, so I'm a bit of a product of my environment - very socially liberal.  I did a lot of indulgent stuff when I was young.  Oddly, though, it was a brief period in my life.  I found my soul-mate in college, got married, and settled down into a conservative domestic existence.  Except, of course, for the kinky sex.  That just never gets old.   ;)   

  

 

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