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I had someone contact me who was interested who was interested in me being her disciplinarian. The problem was she was married and wanted to hide it from her husband. I had to turn her down which is very hard for a spanko like me.  I don't want to be part of breaking up any marriages. She told me her husband was very vanilla and could not give her what she needed and she was tired of denying herself this need. She didn't want any sex, just spankings when she needed it from someone like me. I did tell her if she talked to her husband and got him to agree to let me spank her I would be in but she said that would never happen. 

I feel bad for her because I understand this is something she needs, but I don't want to sneak around his back like that. I feel any disciplinarian who would agree to something like that shouldn't be trusted any way. So did I do the right thing?

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17 minutes ago, Explorify said:

My $.02:  You absolutely did. There is no way the benefits (short term) would outweigh the costs (long term) -Ex.

That makes sense. I suppose I wanted to go through with this so bad I was trying to find a way to justify it. but its not worth breaking up a marriage. Her husband doesn't deserve it.

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I definitely think you did the responsible thing.   It never would of worked in the long run.   If someone else is in the picture, I would say no also.  Hiding things from their partner, no matter how strong the need is, can’t end up well. Too many lies, secrets, keeping things from spouse etc.  

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It's always preferable to have the husband or boyfriend aware of the arrangement and consenting to allow her to be spanked by someone outside of the relationship.  I have had men who were not into spanking their wives send them to me to be spanked, but they were aware of what was going to take place and willing to allow her to fulfill her wants and needs. 

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You absolutely did the right thing.  I do feel sorry for her as well.....her spanking cravings are not likely to ever go away, and her vanilla husband is not likely to ever understand this need she has.   It's an old story.     

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I do not think there is a universal “right thing” here.  You are seeking validation of your own feelings and actions, which is a naturally human thing to do.  You have simply done what you wanted and what you are comfortable with doing. So if you are asking if it was the “right thing” to do what you were comfortable doing, then yes, you did what was right for you.   I do not think that is really what you are asking or seeking though.  You are wanting people to agree with you that you took some sort of moral high ground and saved her from her own request.  I would not never pass such judgment.  I do not know her situation, her relationship with her husband, etc.  I can tell you that it can work -  but proper expectations must be set and good communication must happen.  

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As others have said, it was probably the "right" thing for you to do, given your level of discomfort with the situation. But I wouldn't go so far as to say it would have been "wrong" if you had made the opposite choice and entered into a disciplinary arrangement with her. It all depends on the exact circumstances. In several cases, I have been involved with disciplining women who were married or in long term relationships, and all of the circumstances have been different. One of those times the husband was involved to the extent of meeting with me (and her) beforehand and discussing the situation, although he didn't participate in the actual discipline. In another case, the SO was long distance, and I stepped in a couple of times to provide spankings he couldn't, with a little communication between us. In another instance, I never communicated with the husband, but the woman told me she was doing this with his permission, and I had no reason to doubt her.

But there was also an instance where I provided discipline for a woman who did *not* tell her SO about it. I had a lot of qualms about it, for similar reasons to your own. Plus, frankly, I was worried about potential consequences if he did find out about it; the last thing I wanted was for a big, pissed-off man to come after me. But after extended discussions with her, I came to understand why it wouldn't work in her situation for her SO to be involved, and was also eventually persuaded that it was unlikely to have bad results for me even if he found out. And it turned out that that experience was one of my most positive disciplinary ones, both for me and for her--and for her SO, although he didn't know it. What she wanted help working on were some of her destructive behaviors that were threatening her relationship. They were having some rocky times, and the impetus certainly wasn't entirely (or maybe even mostly) due to her, but her methods of dealing with the problems were only exacerbating the problems. I ended up working with her for about a year, and I honestly believe it was only our disciplinary arrangement that kept her relationship from falling apart. By the end of the year, things were much better between them, partly because some of the underlying stress was gone, but largely because she was able to deal with the issues much better. We eventually had to stop due to other life circumstances, but it had ended up being a very positive arrangement for everyone.

The upshot is that all circumstances are different and there's no blanket "right" or "wrong" to it. 

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Most people would probably object to my point of view. I'm on the other side of the paddle but I will not participate unless I'm confident the spouse knows and is okay with it. 

Once upon a time, I was okay with the ER saying that their spouse knew that they engaged in spanking females but wanted nothing to do with it. I have also been led astray on that issue. 

Now, if the ER is married, I want to meet the spouse and know it's okay. I realize this narrows down my choices. I don't care. I don't want to be involved in anything that can be construed as cheating. 

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Engaging in spanking outside of a marriage without a spouse's knowledge is cheating as far as I'm concerned. Some may disagree, but I think the question that needs to be asked is if the spouse found out would they be hurt by it?  If the answer is yes, then it is cheating. Take the high road - no need to satisfy our own greedy spanko desires at the expense of someone else's relationship.

 

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