Jump to content
Create New...

Offended By Preferences


Recommended Posts

One thing I have noticed in my interactions in the spanking community, even for myself, is how some people seem to be personally offended when they don't fit someone's personal preferences when it comes to a spanker/spankee. Whether it's age, gender, body type, spanking style, level of experience, etc.

For example, because being spanked isn't disciplinary for me, I would prefer a spanker that feels more like a peer, rather than a parental/mentor figure. And because my parents are in their 50s, a spanker that age and older naturally has more of an authoritative feel to me, which isn't what I want or need. (of course, my preference for a spankers' age will change as I age myself). But often, when I have spoken to older spankers on this site and others, and that preference is mentioned, it seems that more times than not, they are offended by that preference, and sometimes even try to convince me to change that preference.

I am definitely not aiming this at other people...I am certainly guilty of this as well. When spankers have mentioned me not fitting their preferences because I am a plus-sized woman, I have found myself feeling offended and hurt, feeling attacked and insulted by their preferences, and in the heat of the moment feeling that they were being judgmental. But they have preferences and needs as a spanker that I apparently wouldn't fulfill due to my size, and I have to try to understand that objectively.

Human nature drives us to want to be accepted. But as vast and diverse as the world of spanking is, we all need and want different things. Our preferences are a true part of this need, and those preferences guide us to the spanker/spankee that will best fulfill our individual needs. I just hope that, in a world so easily offended, we would be able to respect one another's preferences without feeling insulted or judged. Not every spanker and spankee will be a good match...we can't all be compatible. At the end of the day, we're all just trying to fulfill this need of ours. 

  • Like 6
Link to comment

Hi,

really interesting perspective.  I agree with everything you are saying, we all do have our own preferences and I think that is normal, and healthy (imo).  However, when stated preferences cross over into hurtful or nasty judgements, comments or outright prejudice, the it becomes a whole different issue. There are many reasons why people prefer different things in all areas of life, judging those preferences, or being hateful towards someone who doesn’t fit the preference is not ok to me. 

 

Cool topic 

  • Like 1
Link to comment

I've come to see much of this as the consequence of having an artificially shrunken "dating pool" in certain aspects, along with limited opportunities to socialize and meet in the real world to discuss the interest and the preference. Speaking to someone who understands is in itself often a minor revelation when you do it for the first time. The possibility to engage in the practice so idealized over years of furtive fantasies and dreams only more so.

But then we often hit the wall of reality: We're not always what someone else is seeking. And all too often we're so desperately seeking to actualize what we imagine (as a group) that many of us will try and passionately convince other people that their fantasy scenario is the best fantasy scenario. It's possible that rejection feels more poignant when dealing with the spanking interest simply because it's at least hypothetically someone who UNDERSTANDS.

It's a skill many really do need to work on in their own lives. I've had spankee friends who've found themselves almost bemused participants in a spanker's fantasy that they don't share, and the best adjective I've heard to describe the goings-on was 'absurd'. It's trying to slam that square peg into a round hole, and it's unfair to your partner as well as yourself if you're not willing to at the very least compromise, or at worst decide you're not a good fit for each other and move on.

We're not all things to all people, and that goes for our shared interest as well.

  • Like 4
Link to comment

I haven't experienced this too much, but when I do it is definitely annoying. No one is obligated to be attracted to everyone they talk to and some people are just bad at understanding that. Or they're stubborn and think they can work past it by being persistent which is even more annoying.

  • Like 2
Link to comment

I have found it best to not take it personally if I am not what another is seeking, even if I see her as an ideal spanking partner.  There is no reason for it.  We all have our preferences.  For one, I do not spank men.  I realize it does not make me gay if I did, but I do not have the desire to do so.  I am 40 years older than the OP.  Should my feelings be hurt because she would not be interested in me as a spanker?  Not at all.     

  • Like 1
Link to comment

That's such a good point. You'd think if two people are interested in spanking, they'd be a match. Not so. I've definitely met people where we both have an interest in spanking but we're just not on the same page. It could be the discipline aspect, like you say, or whether it's more dom/sub vs submissive or any number of things. Some people want a partner in their age range, some want someone way older. Sometimes "in their age range" means within 10 years, sometimes it's 20+. It really varies and I never take offense at that.

Some want an exclusive relationship, some just want a mentor to enforce their own rules, some are in the scene and want to be spanked by various people, some just want to be spanked and they don't want any rules at all, they just want a good spanking now and then and that's that. As you meet more people you definitely figure out that people are on different tracks with it. Often that means you're not a match. If the two of you click really well, often you can iron out the differences or if it's kind of "meh" you don't bother. I think it goes along with other interpersonal relationships.

You tend to have a lot of thoughtful posts, Red. I enjoy reading them.

  • Like 3
Link to comment

Since all of us are going to have individual preferences, it's just natural that not everyone is a good fit for interacting with everyone else.  People usually have some scenario in their mind, and would like their spanking to be accomplished in a manner that reasonably nicely fits that predetermined desire. Not everyone could even do some of the things they might be asked to, and not everyone is going to like what might take place if they simply allow the dominant person to do what they like best.

Personally, size and appearance aren't big issues at all, in fact they are pretty much non-issues.  What's important is being in the same place psychologically, and having respect for the partner.  However, I fully understand that sometimes age differences are insurmountable.  Some people know that it's difficult for them to be submissive to someone younger than they are, and require that age difference of a full generation to be comfortable being disciplined by anyone else. And that's realistic, and reasonable for those who feel that way.  Others might prefer a person pretty close to their own age and that's OK too.  Just because we don't fit into someone's range of preferences isn't to be seen as bad, and from time to time will happen. I wouldn't encourage anyone to pick a spanking partner that they didn't feel compatible with based upon their own preferences. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment

So true, LTS. I thought when I turned 45 I was done. No one would be interested. But then you find out you just entered someone's target age range. Definitely with spanking as apart from other relationship types there's a tendency to go for larger age ranges. They want the professor, the teacher the authority figure who is older. So people like you and me still have a chance haha. My princess is all of 22 years old and if I was a few years younger. I probably wouldn't have a chance. It's not that older is necessarily wiser, you know, but sometimes they appreciate that.

  • Like 1
Link to comment

I readily admit that I have biases, built from my own childhood experiences, or just interactions with people here. For example, I do have misgivings when a spanker only spanks one gender, and I block spankers whose online behavior I've deemed creepy. Yes, men get creeped out by other men too.

While I am merely starting as a spanker, I think my approach might change with a plus sized person depending on how big that plus is. Not that much? OTK would likely still work. Bigger than that, probably have to go to lying over furniture of having the spankee bend over resting their hands on something.

Link to comment

"For example, I do have misgivings when a spanker only spanks one gender"

Why is gender a preference you think no one should have when it comes to spanking?  There is a lot more to spanking or being spanked than the physical act of applying smacks.  At least there is for most of us.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment

Very true, each individual has their own preferences and that is perfectly normal. No one should be put down for their preferences and there is no need to be nasty or hurt someone's feelings because they don't suit you in one way or another.   A simple "no thank-you" would be the best response.

There are many reasons we may not be compatible in this lifestyle. Some are into spanking for discipline, others for sexual reasons, some for stress relief and some for all of the above. The list can go on and on, but you need to find a partner who has the same preferences or desires or you just won't click. Some of us prefer a particular age range in our partner or a certain gender. There is nothing wrong with that. For me, it has to be a Dominant older male...anything else would feel like play for me and I wouldn't take it seriously. Some want a Mentor. Some want a life long partner. Some don't want to share and need an exclusive spanker. Some need rules and accountability while others just want a spanking when they ask for it. There are too many preferences or desires to list, but to make a relationship work you need to have similar preferences.  

As to gender preferences....not trusting someone or having misgivings because they won't spank a particular gender is wrong.  No matter if spanking is non-sexual mentoring or part of a romantic relationship....there is a certain amount of intimacy involved. Not everyone is comfortable sharing that intimacy with a particular gender. Once again, it's all about personal preferences and everyone is entitled to their own.

 

  • Like 3
  • Thanks 2
Link to comment
22 hours ago, Kith said:

I've had spankee friends who've found themselves almost bemused participants in a spanker's fantasy that they don't share, and the best adjective I've heard to describe the goings-on was 'absurd'. It's trying to slam that square peg into a round hole, 

Are you sure they're not trying to SPANK a square peg into a round hole? 

(Sorry, lame but couldn't resist)

  • Like 3
Link to comment

What amuses and annoys me is that people jump in the conversation and get so offended when they're not even a part of what's going on. For instance, person A states their preferences. Person G, gets all offended by their preference, even though it does not apply to them and they were never under consideration in the first place. They weren't even personally rejected, but they get their feelings all hurt that someone would dare have a preference that would not include them.

  • Like 3
Link to comment

It's kind of amusing in a way , because we now have the tools at our disposal to find that needle in a haystack , the elusive partner who could exactly match up with us.  When I was in college in the 90s if I even wanted to learn anything about spanking or kinks I had to take the bus downtown to Skid Row where all the Adult Magazine shops were. And good luck trying to find a partner in the back of the free weekly paper.  Now we have the world at our fingertips, but there is the opposite problem...nobody wants to leave the house.    Sorry, I guess I dont know where I'm going with this, but I thought it was worth mentioning.  Lol. 

 

Link to comment

I have to agree wth gingerlee.  If we recognize that there ARE preferences, and that these preferences are multiple, what harm can there be if one person wants one thing and another person wants another?   Goodness knows that there are a many people who disagree with my preferences for a spankee, and more power to them.

  • Like 2
Link to comment

Of course people have preferences - what we do is kind of like dating because it is an intimate activity. I would be more worried about people who want to beat any ass that presents itself. If people are being judgmental about others' preferences, I hope you are talking about a small group of people.

  • Like 1
Link to comment

Is there a more effective way to establish any relationship other than being upfront about our preferences and how TTWD fits into our lives?

It's great to be sensitive but so long as no harm is being done if that isn't something that is you well why not just move along cos we're all different anyhow.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
On 10/15/2019 at 6:10 PM, RedBottomGirl said:

they are offended by that preference, and sometimes even try to convince me to change that preference.. 

I wouldn't take them, as annoying as they might be, too seriously. Those who get offended by someone else's biz probably doesn't have that much to offer to begin with.

Link to comment

i prefer someone who wants to paddle and strap, and enjoys doing it, enjoys the spankee's reactions...maybe even likes a little control...without sex...

i've welcomed paddlings from both genders, younger than i and older than i....

some i prefer more than others, but cautiously welcome them...

Women 20 years younger  than i, 8 years younger, a few years older, to 8 years older have paddled me....

gentlemen from a few years younger to a few years older, and 8 years older, and 20 years older have paddled me...

i have appreciated all of them!  -- and all have hurt!

i've invited several persons, of both genders, much younger than i, to paddle me...but most refuse or we can't work out the logistics...

i sort of think, that once spanker  gets quite old, perhaps the paddling isn't as effective, and depending on their mental condition, may not seem very adventurous...

i appreciate paddling from a wide variety of persons...and prefer serious paddlings...

Link to comment
33 minutes ago, ammon said:

i've welcomed paddlings from both genders, younger than i and older than i....

Good for you.  Even though I am not seeking sex, I am not open to playing with all genders.  If you are "uncomfortable" with that,like you stated earlier in this thread, I guess that is you privilege.   

Link to comment
13 minutes ago, FtWorthOTK55 said:

Good for you.  Even though I am not seeking sex, I am not open to playing with all genders.  If you are "uncomfortable" with that,like you stated earlier in this thread, I guess that is you privilege.   

Sir, you may have mixed up threads....i am not uncomfortable with paddlings from either gender...i welcome paddlings from either gender....without sex...from either gender...

Link to comment
4 minutes ago, ammon said:

Sir, you may have mixed up threads....i am not uncomfortable with paddlings from either gender...i welcome paddlings from either gender....without sex...from either gender...

My apologies to you.  It was someone else who stated, "I do have misgivings when a spanker only spanks one gender" earlier in this thread.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...

Write what you are looking for and press enter or click the search icon to begin your search