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I haven't heard from or spoken to my one ee in about three weeks. We agreed upon daily contact from the onset of our relationship, and we specifically had a conversation about the holiday weekend. My ee stated that there would be no reason why he wouldn't be able to communicate with me as per normal, but I haven't heard from him since we had that conversation. This is highly unusual and I am very concerned! 

Some of the feedback I initially got when talking to people is that sometimes this happens -- people just disappear. But really?! When someone has been so conscientious and taking the relationship as serious as the other party, I wouldn't think that's the case.

Someone also pointed out to me that my ee's phone could have broken. I feel so...negligent? in not asking for other means of contact. Let me explain -- I didn't want to be intrusive and so upon learning that Skype was on this person's phone I didn't even ask for a phone number or email address because I figured all of that was accessed on his phone anyway so what's the point? The point is that if something did happen to the phone, my ee doesn't have any of my information either and so can't get in contact with me at all to let me know he's okay.  

So, I guess some of the questions I have are...

How much/how often do you typically communicate with your ER/ee?

In what way apart from this site do you have to contact your ER/ee?

At what point do you start worrying about someone's safety and well-being when there is a lack of contact? At what point do you 'write the person off' as disappearing? 

I'm guessing a welfare check is a little over the top...but that's how worried I am!

 

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You didn't mention how long the relationship had been going on.  Weeks?  Months?  Longer?  The longer the relationship, the more I would worry about something out of the ordinary happening.  The shorter the relationship, the greater chance that he just moved on.  My ee and I normally communicate in some way daily and have been for over 4 years, even if it's just something silly.

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I pretty much have the same thing to say as Spanknutt. It mainly depends on how long you have been talking.  If it has been multiple contacts per day ongoing for four or five months, I would perhaps begin to worry. 

Having Skype as your only way of communication waves a red flag to me.   A serious relationship would require you knowing their phone number at least.  You don't have a full commitment from somebody unless you have the means of contacting them whenever you need them. 

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Up until this, we've had daily contact with one exception that I was given a heads up about for a little more than 2 months. And the last time we spoke I was told "talk to you tomorrow" like always and then...no contact. I waited the weekend and then messaged but no response. Had I not been told "talk to you tomorrow" I would be easier convinced that there's nothing wrong. 

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But where did you find each other in the first place? Cant you make contact again the same way?

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We found each other on here, which is why I am asking about it on here. He doesn't frequent the site, though. 

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You are obviously very caring and compassionate, and anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend. But the information you have provided seems to indicate this is someone who was careful to compartmentalize your friendship into this "virtual only" little make-believe world. This is one of the problems that society in general has struggled with in this era of virtual on-line relationships.

It used to be that people you knew were people you could touch. You lived next to them, went to school with them, sat next to them in church every week, were part of a real physical community. Only after you created that real tactile relationship, someone could move away and you could keep in "touch" by writing a letter, and then (somewhat recently and in very rapid progression) by telegraph, telephone, and e-mail. 

Now the paradigm has shifted. Our first contact is virtual in an on-line community. Only if we're very lucky does the virtual contact progress to contact by e-mail, telephone, and in extremely rare cases physical contact. 

This allows some people to create play personas that are not always sustainable. Virtual reality and the virtual relationships we create here aren't always real. Some people, for good reasons and bad, treat their virtual relationships as "disposable." Because there's no real tactile community, you can just walk away when the relationship no longer meets your needs.

Sorry to get all social science-y. But my suggestion is to make sure you have a real community, a tactile one, where you make real friends that you see every day at home, at work, at church, whatever. Save your true compassion for those real relationships. Trust that your on-line friends have their own true realities as well. Have fun with them while you can, but don't let their comimgs and goings impact your real life in the same way as your real friends.

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Are you his first ER?

For the first 6 - 9 months my nearly closest friend (and first ever spanker) had my Email address and Yahoo Messanger (that were both created for spanko purposes), no address, no phone number, no last name. He respected that. We’d go a couple of weeks without talking. I was nervous and not sure what I was getting myself into. He had to push a bit of the conversation. Not overwhelming, but let me know he cared. 

Now even if we are on our separate vacations or work trips or not around etc (noting we’d be absent); and both OK with that — every few days we still check in. But that’s nearly 8 years of friendship. 

I’ve met my closet and strongest friends online. Sometimes I need to pull back and sometimes they do too. My ‘online friends’ (most I have now met In real life) are now my dearest friends. Give him a little time. :) He will either come around or not. 

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@AfterGeometry sorry, for some reason I didn't see your response last night when I responded. As I said, I didn't ask for any other information since he used Skype on his phone. At the same time though, I will be asking others for alternate ways of getting in touch. And if this ee and I do get back in touch I'll be asking that of him, too. 

I get what @David955 is saying about tangible relationships but at the same time, I don't understand people on SN, who regularly engage in online interactions with others of like mind have this standard that something isn't real or valuable unless you meet in real life. I won't say that there aren't people who don't take this seriously but devaluing the relationship based on the fact that a real-life meeting hasn't yet taken place doesn't seem fair...particularly with all the talk about safety protocols as of late. And I know I'm not the only ER that's working with someone who is at a physical distance. 

@Child of Light I'm not his first ER, and I think it should be noted that he messaged me about being his ER. I have been the one to gently prod to get real-life information and he's gone with it, which is why I'm taking the responsibility for not having any other means of communication. I didn't ask and now I know I should have. But several of the people I have met here take a lot of precautions to keep themselves safe so I didn't think anything of not having it. As difficult as it is I guess I don't have any other choice but to give him time and see if he comes around. 

Like I said, the fact that he said "talk to you tomorrow" and then hasn't spoken to me or responded when I have reached out for three weeks now is what's setting off the alarm bells. But even if there is something wrong there's nothing I can do. 

 

 

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