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Sex after Punishment Spanking


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we are pretty much erotic and role play spanking people, but before we were married, and for a couple years early in our marriage I did give her punishment spankings on occasion.... there was definitely no sex involved after those.

 

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Sex after fun/stress relief yes...but not always.  Sex after punishment...no.  punishments are not rewarding.  But that is us.

Note:  We are married with 4 kids in the house.  I have seen very few relationships where spanking and sex outside of marriage work.  There maybe are some, not many.  A certain level of commitment between the two needs to be understood.

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Punishment spankings aren't combined with sex, but yes, we have sex after punishment spankings. There is the talking, spanking, corner time and aftercare and usually there is some kind of intimacy or sex when everything is over.

A spanking is given as punishment and corner time as reflection. Once it's over I have been forgiven, and we move on. He doesn't consider sex as some kind of reward. Its part of a long term committed relationship.

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I've seen this turn into a pretty heated debate in the past.

My Dom is also my romantic partner and we are in a committed long term relationship.  Sometimes we have sex after a punishment and sometimes we do not.  We don't go instantly from spanking to sex.  Like shy said, it's long after once everything has been forgiven.  For us, it doesn't take away from the punishment itself.  I'm forgiven...so why shouldn't I receive a "reward" from time to time as some call it?

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 As ever, it seems that the real lesson is that people differ and should work out what is right for them.  Personally, I and my partners have found it important to draw a very clear line between erotic spankings and punishment ones.  Part of that line has been to make sure that sex doesn't happen too soon after a punishment spanking; we have generally tried to impose some arbitrary rule, like 24 or 48 hours just to keep that line clear in our heads. 

   It is plain from this thread that there are couples who, at least after some period of being in a relationship, don't need that artificial structure.  But that may not be true for everyone, particularly those just starting out, and those people should feel comfortable with a  more structured model.

 

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Agreeing with Handily and also covering another part of the original question.

We have had some extended threads in which both male and female 'ees and 'ers have recounted greater or lesser degrees of arousal during disciplinary spankings.  That makes perfect sense to me, but it also emphasizes for me the good sense of Handily's point that it is important for communications purposes for the two people to be clear as to what the nature of the session is. (And it is a confusing reality that both males and females can display physical signs of arousal without a mental desire to engage in sex).

For many people, it may well be that the simplest way to make things clear is simply to have a rule of no sex for a fixed period after a punishment spanking. -Ex.

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my wife has been given many punishment spankings in our relationship that started when she was 16 and i was 17. Every one but 2 of them resulted in sex or oral afterwards. Spanking her hard when she deserved it has always aroused me. usually she is just bent over and its quick. but thats not always the case. 

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I can't spank my wife or be spanked by her without getting very aroused, every time.  We've had some sessions that are intended to be for punishment, but they wind up being erotic, sometimes to the point where it's hard to tell what we're actually doing. 

That having been said, the effects of our sorta' disciplinary sessions are still quite positive, I think.  Maybe they would be better if we kept the two activities strictly separated.  I don't know.  We're very experienced with spanking and kink for erotic purposes (for decades), but new to disciplinary spanking (since last summer), so this is just an interesting process trying to figure it out.

I see suggestions about no sex for 24 to 48 hours after the deed is done.  Now THAT would be punishment worse than the spanking itself.   :blink:

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Everyone has their own way to go about it. I've experienced that sometimes that spanking actually intensifys sex, giving my partner a nice hard spanking turning her butt deep red first then get into it. During the intercourse i grab and squeeze her red hot bottom, it seriously intensifys all that she's feeling and usually orgasms quite a bit. When we're done, she's a smiling.

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On 4/19/2019 at 7:13 PM, Poison's said:

I've seen this turn into a pretty heated debate in the past.

My Dom is also my romantic partner and we are in a committed long term relationship.  Sometimes we have sex after a punishment and sometimes we do not.  We don't go instantly from spanking to sex.  Like shy said, it's long after once everything has been forgiven.  For us, it doesn't take away from the punishment itself.  I'm forgiven...so why shouldn't I receive a "reward" from time to time as some call it?

A spirited discussion is good.  A heated debate wouldn't necessarily be so bad either.  :)

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Spanking has got me aroused for years. Though for a long time I hated it and couldn't accept it...who wants to tingle down there after having their bum smacked by a parent? It was so confusing...I basically thought I was a freak.

Even now it's quite confusing to me why I reacted like that, hence why I joined this site to look around and try and understand more.

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47 minutes ago, MaryJo1996 said:

Spanking has got me aroused for years. Though for a long time I hated it and couldn't accept it...who wants to tingle down there after having their bum smacked by a parent? It was so confusing...I basically thought I was a freak.

Even now it's quite confusing to me why I reacted like that, hence why I joined this site to look around and try and understand more.

Neither my wife nor I were spanked when we were kids, and likewise, we never spanked our own children.  For us, it is at its core a sexual activity - so never a parent/child thing.  I can see how associating adult spanking activities with spankings received as a child could be a bit disturbing.  Yet, some of the folks on this forum seem to indicate that their interest in spanking came from childhood experiences.  I can't speak to that from personal experience, but, for what it's worth, my advice would be to try and partition those things in my mind.

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3 hours ago, MaryJo1996 said:

Spanking has got me aroused for years. Though for a long time I hated it and couldn't accept it...who wants to tingle down there after having their bum smacked by a parent? It was so confusing...I basically thought I was a freak.

Even now it's quite confusing to me why I reacted like that, hence why I joined this site to look around and try and understand more.

I had the same experiences growing up and it WAS very confusing. My parents had no idea what was going on with that and were just using a form of discipline that was very common and acceptable when I was growing up in the 70s. But I think this is one of the good arguments against spanking kids (and there are lots of other good arguments too)...most aren't spankos of course but for those who are it's very confusing and has connotations the parent doesn't intend. I used to wonder if getting spanked growing up 'made' me into a spanko but now I believe it's hardwired and the experience just shaped some of the particular aspects of my spanking interests. I don't think this is all that different from vanilla sexual interests in adults being formed by childhood experiences...it's often uncomfortable to think about these associations for many people but I think they're pretty common (like men who respond very strongly sexually to breasts, having subconscious associations with breastfeeding from their mothers.) As I grew into an adult I formed new associations with spanking with adult activities but the childhood associations still remain too to this day. I no longer feel bad or guilty about this and just accept it's part of who I am and the experiences I've had.

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  • 2 weeks later...

NO sex for me.  The spankings were meant to correct my behavior or attitude.  Period.

The usual bedroom time of affection  was replaced with being sent to bed early - and alone - as part of my punishment.  

The next day everything was fine and we resumed our normal relationship!

 

 

 

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  • 5 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

While sometimes spanking or being spanked can be arousing, I've always firmly believed that punishment and discipline spankings normally should not be a part of sexual activity and therefore that arousal needs to be channeled and controlled so as not to be acted on at that time.  On occasions when I have spanked my wife or she has spanked me, we have intentionally made every effort not to associate any sexual connotations to the spankings. Also we have purposely not had any form of sexual contact for several days before (if the spanking was planned) and always have no sexual contact (masturbation is not allowed either) for several days to a week or more after the spanking.  

I also have not had sex with any of the other people I have spanked or who have spanked me as part of the punishment session.  For me it works best to keep these things separate and I believe I have learned to handle it effectively. 

I do understand that for some people spankings can be extremely arousing and with the consent of their partner could become a part of their sexual activity or used to lead up to sex and that's just fine if it works for them. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

For me spanking has always and eventually resultes in arrousal.  Even a harsh punishment spanking causes a reaction of arrousal.   The punishment may hurt and cause regret or remorse but eventually I will become aroused and need relief.

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I may be the oddball here, it’s not sexually arousing to me at all.  Yes there’s the deep emotional connection, aftercare etc.   But there are no sexual aspects or feelings related to spanking for me.  

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For all the years I've been an ER, during the seven years I was involved exclusively with one bottom, sex (almost) always followed a discipline spanking, or any other spanking. For all the other women I spanked - never.

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9 hours ago, spike said:

For all the years I've been an ER, during the seven years I was involved exclusively with one bottom, sex (almost) always followed a discipline spanking, or any other spanking. For all the other women I spanked - never.

That is really interesting. As an adult I've only experienced spanking within a relationship and arousal often occurs with punishment even if I wish it didn't..  sometimes acted on and sometimes not. But I'm wondering, do you experience arousal when spanking women you are not in a relationship with and simply ignore it or does it not occur at all?

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39 minutes ago, BottomSwitch said:

That is really interesting. As an adult I've only experienced spanking within a relationship and arousal often occurs with punishment even if I wish it didn't..  sometimes acted on and sometimes not. But I'm wondering, do you experience arousal when spanking women you are not in a relationship with and simply ignore it or does it not occur at all?

I'm quite curious about this too because for me spankings have always had an erotic element so I'd always assumed this was true for others. After coming on here I've learned spanking is entirely non sexual for some people... But for others they talk about it sometimes being sexual and sometimes not. How does one separate it? Is it the intent of the spanking? The intensity of it?

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8 hours ago, rude_rumps said:

I'm quite curious about this too because for me spankings have always had an erotic element so I'd always assumed this was true for others. After coming on here I've learned spanking is entirely non sexual for some people... But for others they talk about it sometimes being sexual and sometimes not. How does one separate it? Is it the intent of the spanking? The intensity of it?

My wife and I have found it difficult to entirely separate the erotic and disciplinary spanking activities.  The disciplinary spankings are different in that they happen for a purpose (misbehavior) - there is no foreplay, no sexy banter, no warm up - it's stern scolding and straight to business - also rather more intense than erotic spanking (usually) - no playing around with different implements - just a series of full force swats from the wooden paddle and over with quickly.  Does that keep it from being erotic?  Hell no.  It hurts like hell at the time, but then just the thought of it looking back is pretty damn exciting and arousing - even when my buns (or hers) are still aching.  For my wife and I, there is a huge sexual element to this no matter how or why we do it.      

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9 hours ago, BottomSwitch said:

That is really interesting. As an adult I've only experienced spanking within a relationship and arousal often occurs with punishment even if I wish it didn't..  sometimes acted on and sometimes not. But I'm wondering, do you experience arousal when spanking women you are not in a relationship with and simply ignore it or does it not occur at all?

Experiencing arousal spanking women with whom I am not in a relationship? Absolutely...the hottest thing since sunburn.

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10 hours ago, rude_rumps said:

I'm quite curious about this too because for me spankings have always had an erotic element so I'd always assumed this was true for others. After coming on here I've learned spanking is entirely non sexual for some people... But for others they talk about it sometimes being sexual and sometimes not. How does one separate it? Is it the intent of the spanking? The intensity of it?

There is always an intense emotional connection, but it doesn't have to be sexual if you are able to dissociate spanking with sex. That may not be easy, or even desirable, for everyone to do. No doubt some people want to be spanked, or to spank someone else for excitement and arousal, and that's fine if both of them are on the same page. For those of us who want it to be non sexual being able to accept it as discipline or punishment and stating that verbally before beginning makes the intent of the spanking much clearer to both people involved.  The very first person I spanked when I was in college made it quite clear from the outset that she did not see being spanked as having any sexual association and that if I was going to be allowed to spank her, I had to be on the same page about it. I told her I could do that, and that there would be no sex between us as we were not in any sort of romantic relationship, only good friends. Over the past 50+ years I have been able to keep the spankings I give others non sexual, and do not want the spankings others give me to become sexual. We always discuss that beforehand and it's not difficult to see it as non sexual if neither person says or does anything that could be interpreted as sexual.  Exposing someone's bottom for a spanking isn't sexual, neither is being naked during a spanking or even being restrained if both people agree those things are done for humiliation and as part of the punishment. 

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