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ellg99

Can I Rant For Maybe Some Advice or Understanding

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As a spankee, mentee, or bottom or whatever other bottom half the spanko community names. Have you ever not agreed with a rule that was given to you by your upper half (mentor, disciplinarian, top)?

And maybe not just right off the bat, but after trying to not break that particular rule and then ultimately breaking it more than once. Well I have lol.

And now, I want that particular rule to be abolished or at least given conditions or the like. I want to talk about it. But I feel like my mentor is just not going to discuss this thing that I want to talk about. Ever so slowly as I get no response I'm getting just an ish bit ticked off. It feels like I'm being ignored and I don't like it at all. I mean I know that my mentor has a life that he needs to live. And that maybe finding a time to discuss this rule is not on his list priorities but damn, at least let me know that. I'm not sure what to do with my less than pleased feels. Should I suck it up and just bring it back up at another time? If that's the case, should I tell him I broke the rule. If I tell him, he'll probably ground me because he can't spank me with the distance and all. I'm on vacation at the moment, so I wasn't going tell him anything until after because I'm not sure how many times I'm gonna break that rule when the situation arises. Aiyaaah, 🤦🏿‍♀️what is with me. I feel bad as I make my decision to do what my mentor doesn't want me to do. Which is why I will ultimately let em know. But if I can talk about this rule with him and come to some type of conclusion, I feel like it would do wonders for my feels.

 I don't like to break the rules that were set. I get a bad feeling when I've done so, like I'm being less than honest or stupid in general. Because why set a rule you'll break. Of course I don't think im gonna break them when they're set. But spur of the moments decisions happen. I'm 60% sure that I'm supposed to let my mentor know when I break a rule(s).

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IMO, the heart of any disciplinary relationship is communication. A a disciplinarian myself, I feel my role is to provide accountability and consequences when mutually agreed-upon rules are broken. The rules are there for the "ee's betterment, so it stands to reason that if you think a rule is pointless or otherwise not of use, that it should not be enforced; otherwise it's just the top on a power trip.

 

This is, of course, all different from you suddenly reconsidering a rule's usefulness as soon as you are in trouble! 😉  You seem reasonable and obedient, though, so I doubt that's the case here.

 

Your top's refusal to talk about your issues is troubling, to my mind. Especially since he seems that he is also avoiding the issue. My un-asked-for advice would be to avoid the proscribed behavior (what IS it, if I may ask?) and discuss this seriously with your top ASAP. Again: rules and consequences are in place to help you on you path; NOT for your disciplinarian to get his jollies.

 

Good luck!

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You don’t have to agree with rules, you need to obey them. That’s what having a mentor is all about. They have your best interests at heart. Check that “pride” girly, because it’ll get you in trouble every time. 

Open defiance and/or lying attitude..etc, would buy you one sore and soundly blistered BOOTY with me, young lady.😡

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As an E my outlook is obviously a different one. Any relationship has be consensual.. Sounds to me that the rule you presently are fighting is outside any agreement you have. That raises a slue of questions for me. While you may not like this rule is it one that you honestly need to help you? When you have talked to him about it, is he listening? Or his attitude is "my way or the highway" Mentors have to be strict for sure but reasonable. And if you are not in touch with him on a regular basis, without knowing what is going on, that also raises questions for me. 

What is clear to me is that the lack of transparency and truthfulness in your mentoring program is going to hurt you dearly in the long run. 

I wish you the best as you clear up these issues with him. 

Davyd 

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 Alright cool, I won't be ignoring this discussion I'd like to have with him then. Thank you, for the advice. It's hard not to think I'm going about things wrong. The rule in particular is "No drinking of alcohol" because of the fact that it's ilegal to drink underage, he'd rather me not do it. Unless for some very special occasion which would require his permission. But alcohol has been in my life for a looong time. Since my wine days at 14.  I'm responsible with it and I don't abuse the bottle. I would like to avoid drinking any more until I talk to him but when the situations arise and I'm asked "You are drinking, right?" It's kinda hard to just be like "No, I'm not drinking" without a bunch of shocked head turns. Everyone will think I'm sick or something lol. It's funny but it's really not at the same time. This was to mrfirmhand

Edited by ellg99
name drop needed

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It depends. Is it a rule for your health and safety that while you don't agree with it, it's needed? There still needs to be communication but this would be the one situation I could see a rule be implemented whether you agree with it or not. 

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9 minutes ago, Davyd said:

As an E my outlook is obviously a different one. Any relationship has be consensual.. Sounds to me that the rule you presently are fighting is outside any agreement you have. That raises a slue of questions for me. While you may not like this rule is it one that you honestly need to help you? When you have talked to him about it, is he listening? Or his attitude is "my way or the highway" Mentors have to be strict for sure but reasonable. And if you are not in touch with him on a regular basis, without knowing what is going on, that also raises questions for me. 

What is clear to me is that the lack of transparency and truthfulness in your mentoring program is going to hurt you dearly in the long run. 

I wish you the best as you clear up these issues with him. 

Davyd 

It became a rule when he found out I was drinking alcohol. His reasons for setting it was not for my help. It was because it's ilegal to drink underage. But when I drink most of the time I'm not doing it illegally because in my home with permission from the. Peeps around me.

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2 minutes ago, gingerlee said:

It depends. Is it a rule for your health and safety that while you don't agree with it, it's needed? There still needs to be communication but this would be the one situation I could see a rule be implemented whether you agree with it or not. 

I don't think it was set for health reasons which s why I see no reason for it.

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9 minutes ago, ellg99 said:

 The rule in particular is "No drinking of alcohol" because of the fact that it's ilegal to drink underage, he'd rather me not do it. Unless for some very special occasion which would require his permission. But alcohol has been in my life for a looong time. Since my wine days at 14.  I'm responsible with it and I don't abuse the bottle. I would like to avoid drinking any more until I talk to him but when the situations arise and I'm asked "You are drinking, right?" It's kinda hard to just be like "No, I'm not drinking" without a bunch of shocked head turns. Everyone will think I'm sick or something lol.

This changes things, no matter how "safe" you think you are with it, it's illegal. 

Yes people might look at you funny, but maybe start with a mocktail or something. Maybe just say you're cutting back on your alcohol consumption. You can still enjoy their presence while not drinking. 

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5 minutes ago, ellg99 said:

It became a rule when he found out I was drinking alcohol. His reasons for setting it was not for my help. It was because it's ilegal to drink underage. But when I drink most of the time I'm not doing it illegally because in my home with permission from the. Peeps around me.

Still illegal whether or not people around you give permission. Why do you think they get in trouble for providing alcohol to underage people?

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16 minutes ago, Davyd said:

As an E my outlook is obviously a different one. Any relationship has be consensual.. Sounds to me that the rule you presently are fighting is outside any agreement you have. That raises a slue of questions for me. While you may not like this rule is it one that you honestly need to help you? When you have talked to him about it, is he listening? Or his attitude is "my way or the highway" Mentors have to be strict for sure but reasonable. And if you are not in touch with him on a regular basis, without knowing what is going on, that also raises questions for me. 

What is clear to me is that the lack of transparency and truthfulness in your mentoring program is going to hurt you dearly in the long run. 

I wish you the best as you clear up these issues with him. 

Davyd 

As he set the rule, I was getting in trouble for breaking it. Because I guess I should've already known to ask his permission to drink. My main thing when talking to him is that I want to be transparent and truthful. I just don't want this rule because it seems impossible to follow. I don't wanna be getting into trouble everytime I turn around. I'm great at following rules and it bugs me that this one is giving me difficulty.

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30 minutes ago, a-mw-spanker said:

You don’t have to agree with rules, you need to obey them. That’s what having a mentor is all about. They have your best interests at heart. Check that “pride” girly, because it’ll get you in trouble every time. 

Open defiance and/or lying attitude..etc, would buy you one sore and soundly blistered BOOTY with me, young lady.😡

I get that. I really really do. But that doesn't mean I don't wanna talk about. I wanna understand his reasons. If it's for the reason I think then I don't want it.

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Yeah, although this is still a conversation you need to have, that is not a completely unreasonable request (or demand!) on his part. How long have you been working with him? Do you feel he has been fair and thoughtful in his demands on you? I can see several reasons for him to want to enforce this rule. And "people will look at me funny" is never a good justification for a behavior.

 

While it's true that you are 19, and god knows I have never known any 19 year olds who never had a drink, I think your ER may have a valid point here. You may not be in love with his decision, but if you believe he has made it from the perspective of your betterment, sometimes you may have to do things you would rather not.

 

But again: it's for the two of you to work out . I'd say definitely stay sober though, until you have a full conversation on this point.

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2 minutes ago, Misterfirmhand said:

Yeah, although this is still a conversation you need to have, that is not a completely unreasonable request (or demand!) on his part. How long have you been working with him? Do you feel he has been fair and thoughtful in his demands on you? I can see several reasons for him to want to enforce this rule. And "people will look at me funny" is never a good justification for a behavior.

 

While it's true that you are 19, and god knows I have never known any 19 year olds who never had a drink, I think your ER may have a valid point here. You may not be in love with his decision, but if you believe he has made it from the perspective of your betterment, sometimes you may have to do things you would rather not.

 

But again: it's for the two of you to work out . I'd say definitely stay sober though, until you have a full conversation on this point.

My mentor is a great Mentor so far. He's smart and has made sound arguments for certain things. Thanks for that perspective.

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Thank you everyone, I appreciate your views. I've thoroughly went through the thought process. I've come to my plan of action.

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26 minutes ago, ellg99 said:

I don't wanna be getting into trouble everytime I turn around. I'm great at following rules and it bugs me that this one is giving me difficulty.

I don't think he wants you to ask permission, I think he wants you to follow the law. 

So far, you have rules that are easy for you. That's great but sometimes rules are going to be hard because not every change is easy. 

22 minutes ago, ellg99 said:

I get that. I really really do. But that doesn't mean I don't wanna talk about. I wanna understand his reasons. If it's for the reason I think then I don't want it.

So if the reason is that what you're doing is illegal, you don't want to follow?

Obviously this is between the two of you, but most people, if they have set a clear expectation for something that is not subjective (breaking the law by consuming alcohol when you are underage), he is probably not going to suddenly decide this is okay with him. 

You MIGHT be able to get him to agree to progressive rules with that. But once again that is going to be up to the two of you. 

(FYI, I wrote this but never hit submit, so there may be posts written after this but before I posted, I'm not going to try and fix it.)

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35 minutes ago, ellg99 said:

I get that. I really really do. But that doesn't mean I don't wanna talk about. I wanna understand his reasons. If it's for the reason I think then I don't want it.

Sure you can talk about it, but your has the final say which you should respect. He should show some level of diplomacy and listen to what you have to say and show consideration to you.😊

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You are supposed to have a say on this.  

I have a serious problem with his not responding.  It gives me an inkling that he might be in it for his own entertainment.  I'm betting that he's not too busy when he thinks it's time for a spanking.

Be very aware.  I can't know what all is the case here.  If you want to explore it with someone that won't be in for the possibility of replacing him drop me a pm.  Happy to talk.

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1 hour ago, a-mw-spanker said:

You don’t have to agree with rules, you need to obey them. That’s what having a mentor is all about. They have your best interests at heart. Check that “pride” girly, because it’ll get you in trouble every time. 

Open defiance and/or lying attitude..etc, would buy you one sore and soundly blistered BOOTY with me, young lady.😡

 

You are talking about a D/s dynamic and not a Mentor/ Mentee dynamic. Yes, in those dynamics, the bottom has the full say of the rules and how they are made (unless arranged to a higher D/s level). The purpose of mentoring is the mentee asking for help for certain rules. If her rules aren't helping her or can be made in a way that still allows her to do certain things that aren't interfering with her goals -- clauses should be amended in. 

For advice for the OP -- I'd tell him the rule that was broken and offer a reason why the rule needs to be changed. If he's truly a mentor and looking out for archiving your goals, he should be receptive. 

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1 hour ago, ellg99 said:

It became a rule when he found out I was drinking alcohol. His reasons for setting it was not for my help. It was because it's ilegal to drink underage. But when I drink most of the time I'm not doing it illegally because in my home with permission from the. Peeps around me.

Are you stating that where you live that it isn't illegal to drink at 19? Or is there a legal clause were as long as you have certain people around you that you can drink at home? Not judging. But it might be helping by not getting you in legal trouble and him thinking he was helping you. Although as an adult you know the risks of what you're doing.

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1 hour ago, gingerlee said:

Still illegal whether or not people around you give permission. Why do you think they get in trouble for providing alcohol to underage people?

It's legal to drink underage as long at your parents are around and they are most of the time.

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1 hour ago, Misterfirmhand said:

What's your plan?

Well I gave him some reasons for why I should be able to drink. He was down to have that particular discussion with me until he saw my last reason. So now, I'm in the process of letting him know that I indeed know what's wrong and what can go wrong with alcohol before we can discuss it.

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11 minutes ago, ellg99 said:

It's legal to drink underage as long at your parents are around and they are most of the time.

This depends on the state/ country. For example, in the state I live in under the age of 18 -- my parents were allowed to serve me alcohol in our home or even at restaurants. Having a small glass of wine on occasions as a minor wasn't a big deal. On my 18th birthday, we went out for dinner and my family ordered me a drink and because the server knew us -- as we went to the restaurant often she informed my family that between the ages of 18-21 years of age that parents aren't the guardian anymore and can be charged with a felony for helping me get alcohol. So my advice would be to look at your local law. Your state may possibly be different than mine.

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