Anybody else find being a spanko lonely?

[MsChrissy]

1 minute ago, sassylittle said:

@SwitchWithMe I'm the same... I can't just do this with anyone. I'm not shallow enough and too soft for casual. If I wasn't so picky, I'd easily find what I need too. But to be honest, I would rather find the right person than start compromising on the things that are important to me. I'm only prepared to compromise on the less important things. Don't say never because things change and most of the time, you find things when you aren't really looking.

You stood up for your friend and you did what you felt was right. People, on here, weren't there you were so don't take much stock of their opinions. 

Don't limit yourself to just non-switch friends... I have friends who are switches, male ee's, female ee's, dommes etc. We don't match on our spanking needs but we've become good friends. Friends will make you feel less lonely and eventually you might find some-one who you do click with?

~proud smile~ That's my grandbaby girl. You tell them.

[SwitchWithMe]

16 minutes ago, sassylittle said:

@SwitchWithMe I'm the same... I can't just do this with anyone. I'm not shallow enough and too soft for casual. If I wasn't so picky, I'd easily find what I need too. But to be honest, I would rather find the right person than start compromising on the things that are important to me. I'm only prepared to compromise on the less important things. Don't say never because things change and most of the time, you find things when you aren't really looking.

You stood up for your friend and you did what you felt was right. People, on here, weren't there you were so don't take much stock of their opinions. 

Don't limit yourself to just non-switch friends... I have friends who are switches, male ee's, female ee's, dommes etc. We don't match on our spanking needs but we've become good friends. Friends will make you feel less lonely and eventually you might find some-one who you do click with?

I think some part of me is broken when it comes to spanko things.

After my friend’s injury, and being in the wrong, not only in my circle of real life spankos, but with people here and other places on line.

I’m not sure I can be a spanko in a spanko-world like this.

[Oldhand]

I wholeheartedly endorse the view that this is not something purely mechanical and that it cannot, therefore, be enjoyed with just anybody who is physically able to fulfill this role. There has to be something more for a lot of people. It is, after all, a very intimate form of sharing, mentally and physically. As such, it deserves to be treated as something special and not just as a means of scratching an itch.

Over the years during which I have often felt like an outcast in this world, I have learned that the best approach from my perspective is to apply my thoughts initially to people and what it is that makes them tick. After that, if there appears to be a basis for a friendship, other possibilities can be contemplated - or they may just present themselves spontaneously. 

Sadly, I find that a lot of people just want a 'fix' and soon lose patience if I try to get to know them. 

[St.George]

On 3/12/2021 at 5:19 PM, SwitchWithMe said:

I think some part of me is broken when it comes to spanko things.

After my friend’s injury, and being in the wrong, not only in my circle of real life spankos, but with people here and other places on line.

I’m not sure I can be a spanko in a spanko-world like this.

I usually run afoul of individuals and their cliques - you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. If you have intelligence, you have opinions, and people hate it when you share your opinions.

There are no intelligent people in the world that have no detractors. None. Only simple people, fools, are beloved by all.

Cultivate a tough skin. These cliques think they're the cat's pajamas, but they represent 0.001%. For instance, I never heard of your spanko circle, don't care, don't judge you one way or the other. And all my drama that you don't know about it, you could say the same, don't care, don't know.

Just breathe...

As for being a spanko, is it lonely, yeah. I just relegate all that to fantasy life and hope to establish a vanilla relationship and try to be content with that. It is difficult enough just finding a long-term vanilla relationship, without adding a rare fetish on top. It might be different if I were rich or young but nowadays I am damn pragmatical and think, wow, it would be nice to have a warm body around to call 911 in case I have a heart attack.

*LOL*

[maelstr0m]

On 3/15/2021 at 4:36 PM, St.George said:

I usually run afoul of individuals and their cliques - you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. If you have intelligence, you have opinions, and people hate it when you share your opinions.

There are no intelligent people in the world that have no detractors. None. Only simple people, fools, are beloved by all.

Cultivate a tough skin. These cliques think they're the cat's pajamas, but they represent 0.001%. For instance, I never heard of your spanko circle, don't care, don't judge you one way or the other. And all my drama that you don't know about it, you could say the same, don't care, don't know.

Just breathe...

As for being a spanko, is it lonely, yeah. I just relegate all that to fantasy life and hope to establish a vanilla relationship and try to be content with that. It is difficult enough just finding a long-term vanilla relationship, without adding a rare fetish on top. It might be different if I were rich or young but nowadays I am damn pragmatical and think, wow, it would be nice to have a warm body around to call 911 in case I have a heart attack.

*LOL*

I agree with you, up to 135%, or more!   Not valid in combination with other comments.   Your mileage may vary.  We're just 8 to 10% of the population, swimming in a fishbowl.

: )

[sassylittle]

On 3/15/2021 at 6:45 AM, Oldhand said:

I wholeheartedly endorse the view that this is not something purely mechanical and that it cannot, therefore, be enjoyed with just anybody who is physically able to fulfill this role. There has to be something more for a lot of people. It is, after all, a very intimate form of sharing, mentally and physically. As such, it deserves to be treated as something special and not just as a means of scratching an itch.

Over the years during which I have often felt like an outcast in this world, I have learned that the best approach from my perspective is to apply my thoughts initially to people and what it is that makes them tick. After that, if there appears to be a basis for a friendship, other possibilities can be contemplated - or they may just present themselves spontaneously. 

Sadly, I find that a lot of people just want a 'fix' and soon lose patience if I try to get to know them. 

I agree whole-heartedly with this. It's easy to find some-one to spank you but the rest of it is harder. I have never understood people who want a quick fix in spanking, BDSM or even sexual activities. I need more than that- it needs to be special, like you said. I want to really get to know and understand how the person ticks. Casual and quick- fixes are just not how it works for me. There are too many superficial people, in this world, and I hate the casual hook-up culture.

I can't do this unless there's a bond; a long-term arrangement. The best spanking experiences develop with time and after really getting to know the person. You can't push limits and boundaries without a lot of trust and a close bond. These "special" relationships take time and really getting to know how the other person works and how to please them. I want to satisfy a spanking partner and give him exactly what he needs and wants but I can't do that in a casual, hook-up type of relationship.

[Oldhand]

It is a very strange form of loneliness, one that I would describe as 'isolation', in that we are cut off from a Community of like minded people by social circumstances and attitudes.

I have no reason whatsoever to be lonely, being married very happily to a girl who is my dreams come true, but still I feel that deep, intense longing to be mentally close to a special friend, not for the purpose of infidelity but, as others have said, to feel that sense of identification with others who feel as I do about something that takes up a lot of brain time. The bond between spankos can be very tight indeed - and mutually beneficial, even if the two people concerned never meet in real life. 

In many ways, this is one reason why I feel indebted to SpankingNeeds and to the one other site to which I susbcribe. I am able, to a degree, to draw close to other spankos. 

[ukspanko]

I’ve always felt lonely even in company. I overthink and can’t turn it off. 

[Shameless]

Super lonely.

[St.George]

On 4/30/2021 at 4:02 PM, Oldhand said:

It is a very strange form of loneliness, one that I would describe as 'isolation', in that we are cut off from a Community of like minded people by social circumstances and attitudes.

I have no reason whatsoever to be lonely, being married very happily to a girl who is my dreams come true, but still I feel that deep, intense longing to be mentally close to a special friend, not for the purpose of infidelity but, as others have said, to feel that sense of identification with others who feel as I do about something that takes up a lot of brain time. The bond between spankos can be very tight indeed - and mutually beneficial, even if the two people concerned never meet in real life. 

In many ways, this is one reason why I feel indebted to SpankingNeeds and to the one other site to which I susbcribe. I am able, to a degree, to draw close to other spankos. 

Take a care, if she is your dream come true, can you be content?

Why would the bond between spankos be close? I do not see any particular reason for that other than the scarcity of spankos. I have not noticed any unusual level of bonding in my explorations of the spanko world. The stories other spankos share here portray average or below average quality of relationships.

When I acquire a partner, I will not be visiting this site until and unless the relationship ends. Indeed I think the main reason I am here at all is because I am between partners. I also like writing and there really isn't anywhere else one can write about spanking.

Butt once She, whose name I don't yet know, moves in, yeah that's the end, the bottom, of St. G for the relationship's duration...unless She proves a spanko ? in which case, we will see about posting real life stories ? ...but no photos, I think... photos being soooo...identifying...?

[Leem]

It's beyond lonely. I'm at the loneliest point in my life, we're all graduating and moving away and I don't want to bother with relationships until I'm settled. I can live without spanking and be just fine, but, that connection is a lot deeper than most relationships.

[SpudStateSpanky]

In adding a bit more to what I said upthread previously, it’s hard for me because my disciplinarian (I think I finally broke the habit of calling her my domme ?) is the only one who really knows this side of me and who has seen me at my most vulnerable.  I’ve opened up with her, shared my weaknesses and insecurities with her, and cried over her knee.  No one else on planet earth has ever seen that side of me.  That’s very bonding.  

Yet she needs more alone-time than I do and is also more outgoing than I am.  So when she’s not available, I can find myself feeling painfully lonely.  I realize we’re not in a romantic relationship, and it’s not that I can’t hang with vanilla friends, or even other friends I converse with here on SN, and I do.  But sometimes, maybe too often, I just want her, yet she has a life of her own apart from me.

[SpudStateSpanky]

8 hours ago, SpudStateSpanky said:

In adding a bit more to what I said upthread previously, it’s hard for me because my disciplinarian (I think I finally broke the habit of calling her my domme ?) is the only one who really knows this side of me and who has seen me at my most vulnerable.  I’ve opened up with her, shared my weaknesses and insecurities with her, and cried over her knee.  No one else on planet earth has ever seen that side of me.  That’s very bonding.  

Yet she needs more alone-time than I do and is also more outgoing than I am.  So when she’s not available, I can find myself feeling painfully lonely.  I realize we’re not in a romantic relationship, and it’s not that I can’t hang with vanilla friends, or even other friends I converse with here on SN, and I do.  But sometimes, maybe too often, I just want her, yet she has a life of her own apart from me.

Jeez, that’s pretty embarrassing.  I was wallowing in self-pity this weekend.  ?  Sorry @Chawsee.  I need to get a life.  ☺️

[Bramblewine]

16 hours ago, SpudStateSpanky said:

In adding a bit more to what I said upthread previously, it’s hard for me because my disciplinarian (I think I finally broke the habit of calling her my domme ?) is the only one who really knows this side of me and who has seen me at my most vulnerable.  I’ve opened up with her, shared my weaknesses and insecurities with her, and cried over her knee.  No one else on planet earth has ever seen that side of me.  That’s very bonding.  

Yet she needs more alone-time than I do and is also more outgoing than I am.  So when she’s not available, I can find myself feeling painfully lonely.  I realize we’re not in a romantic relationship, and it’s not that I can’t hang with vanilla friends, or even other friends I converse with here on SN, and I do.  But sometimes, maybe too often, I just want her, yet she has a life of her own apart from me.

When someone meets your needs that weren't being met, it's natural to love them. It's natural to be attached. It's natural to want their attention all the time.

So a therapist said to me once.

 

[SpudStateSpanky]

6 hours ago, Bramblewine said:

When someone meets your needs that weren't being met, it's natural to love them. It's natural to be attached. It's natural to want their attention all the time.

So a therapist said to me once.

 

Yeah, exactly.  You get it.  Thanks.

[SpudStateSpanky]

On 5/17/2021 at 10:19 PM, Leem said:

I can live without spanking and be just fine, but, that connection is a lot deeper than most relationships.

Exactly!!!

[SpudStateSpanky]

On 6/1/2021 at 1:21 AM, SpudStateSpanky said:

In adding a bit more to what I said upthread previously, it’s hard for me because my disciplinarian (I think I finally broke the habit of calling her my domme ?) is the only one who really knows this side of me and who has seen me at my most vulnerable.  I’ve opened up with her, shared my weaknesses and insecurities with her, and cried over her knee.  No one else on planet earth has ever seen that side of me.  That’s very bonding.  

Yet she needs more alone-time than I do and is also more outgoing than I am.  So when she’s not available, I can find myself feeling painfully lonely.  I realize we’re not in a romantic relationship, and it’s not that I can’t hang with vanilla friends, or even other friends I converse with here on SN, and I do.  But sometimes, maybe too often, I just want her, yet she has a life of her own apart from me.

So just a follow up...  Miss Chawsee had been asking me to not mention her so often in posts, to avoid drawing attention to us and hogging the spotlight.  I was doing a little better, then blew it with this post.   But she saw this and called me and we had a long talk, and she patiently heard me out.  I may not be getting everything I was hoping for, but she left me feeling a lot better.  So after having made a fool of myself, I want to give credit where credit is due.  Miss Chawsee may be quiet here, but she’s very caring and attentive behind the scenes.  Thanks @Chawsee!

[Megthe]

@SpudStateSpanky 

1. I am sorry that sometimes you are missing your disciplinarian.  As a greedy greedy bottom myself I feel your (lack of physical) pain!  Thank you for sharing that vulnerable moment with us.  Your comment did not make me think that Chawsee neglects you in any way, just that your needs and desires don't always line up perfectly, which I feel is perfectly normal.    

2. Personaly I love hearing about your journey and insights and reading your comments.  I think maybe Chawsee likes to keep the details a bit closer to the vest, so to speak.  

[F/m_Spanking_only]

I love spanking. It's who I am. However, it's not without it's downsides. I've noticed a change in myself recently with regards to spanking. I have become, for lack of a better word, jealous. I guess because of what happened to me a little while back, finding out that my previous spanking partner was married.

Granted, she's legally married, as in on paper only. The marriage hasn't been active for some time. Her hubby and her haven't been under the same roof for years. But still, I don't like it and it felt like I was an unwitting participant in something bad. I've done a lot of thinking. Wondering if he knew. How much he knew. Even though they aren't together, that doesn't mean they don't talk here and there. They are after all, in the eyes of the law, still husband and wife. Just makes me sick to think about it. 

With my new spanking partner, I've asked that spanking be between us and us alone. The very notion of another man over her knee makes me go bananas with jealousy. I can't share spanking. The odd thing is, I've been to professional dommes/disciplinarian s. And I've never gotten jealous over them having other clients. Perhaps because it's understood that it's the commerical side of things. But with a spanking partner, it's different. I can't share. I won't share. It's not an option. 

As for the loneliness in the thread topic question, I feel it at times. Outside of this forum and my spanking partner, I feel like I'm out in orbit. I'm surrounded by people who would never understand my love of spanking. Not that I'd ever want to discuss it with them anyway. But it just goes to show, it can be a lone wolf kind of life. 

[DiscreetSpanko8]

It can be at times. But I can usually find somebody to talk to, from this site or one of the others I browse. I keep so busy that I don't really have time to dwell on it now. 80ish or more hours a week at work, and when I have a rare day off I tend to go hiking or work on projects I've been putting off. In fact, I may go hiking shortly once I finish off my coffee, it's looking like a beautiful day for it. But at times, usually late nights when everyone I know is sleeping and I'm trying to catch up on work, sure it can get lonely. Thing is, I assume if I was NOT a spanko, if I was a regular guy that had no iota of interest in the spanko lifestyle, I'd still be lonely at those times. In a sense, loneliness seems to be part of the human condition, and everyone copes with it in their own way. Best of luck.

[F/m_Spanking_only]

Lonely, yes. But who doesn’t experience that at times? Even the most vanilla out there get downright depressed and lonely. So, don’t ever think for one single solitary second that loneliness is singular to a spanko life. Not even remotely close. Life is what it is, regardless of a lifestyle choice. 

[ColoradoRed7]

Yes! Even tho I have a partner that will give, it’s not same as having a spanko to play with. Plus, I am a switch and she won’t receive so I wish I had that as well. She is open to me playing with another female. Where do I find someone? I know there are likely women spankos out there but how do you find them? 

[David5]

Before my wife's passing my answer would have been no. She had other kinks and fetishes as well that I loved doing as well. Now my answer is yes terribly lonely. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. It's been over two years and they say time heals everything and it has became somewhat easier. But yes very lonely

[nicoleS39]

14 hours ago, David5 said:

Before my wife's passing my answer would have been no. She had other kinks and fetishes as well that I loved doing as well. Now my answer is yes terribly lonely. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her. It's been over two years and they say time heals everything and it has became somewhat easier. But yes very lonely

So sorry your wife passed. I cannot begin to imagine the void and loneliness you feel. You shared this special intimacy we all discuss in this place, but I am sure that is just one part of the loss you are feeling. My hopes that one day you find the right person...if that is what you desire...to share life's journey with you again. May God bless you.

[MrGSpanks]

OMG yes.