Jump to content
Create New...

Talking to your ER...? (CLOSED)


Recommended Posts

*sighs* I feel really stupid for even asking this, but I don't know what else to do.

How do I actually talk to my ER?

Part of our agreement was that when something is bothering me enough that it feels like it's pushing me towards my breaking point, I talk to him and see if doing so helps because most things are ridiculous nonsense and having some sense talked into me does often help, but not always.

The issue is I don't really know how to talk about my feelings (long story short, it's childhood related), and he does know and understand that. But I feel like an annoyance and nothing but a bother when I try to talk to anyone about my feelings (same reason as not knowing how to talk about them), and that just causes more stress because I want to talk but don't know how and feel like I'm a burden if I try.

Does anyone have any advice on what the hell I should do?

My current issue is related to a phobia and I'm ashamed of the weird habits/issues it causes, which is the problem because I know I can't help it.

  • Like 1
Link to comment

You just have to take a stab at it, and trust that your ER is there for you as you work this out in your own words. If he is a ER worth your time, he will be patient, listen, and may even help you try to articulate your feelings.  This is important for you, so it needs to be important for him.  The more you are able to verbalize your feelings on this matter, the easier it will get. (You may even want to write things down first, putting pen to paper will help you organize your thoughts as well.) I just hope he is a generous and understanding listener.  Best of luck.  :)

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
3 hours ago, AfterGeometry said:

You just have to take a stab at it, and trust that your ER is there for you as you work this out in your own words. If he is a ER worth your time, he will be patient, listen, and may even help you try to articulate your feelings.  This is important for you, so it needs to be important for him.  The more you are able to verbalize your feelings on this matter, the easier it will get. (You may even want to write things down first, putting pen to paper will help you organize your thoughts as well.) I just hope he is a generous and understanding listener.  Best of luck.  :)

 

He is all of those things. That's (thankfully) not the issue. I wouldn't have asked him to be my ER if I didn't trust him with my life. Actually, for quite awhile before we made this arrangement, we had made something of a pact to be there for each other at any time, any place. But that, unfortunately, can't cure severe anxiety lol ? I actually made some progress on that today, I was able to (partially) tell the person I live with about the current issue, but only because I was having a panic attack and it was one of the attacks that gives me an uncontrollable motor mouth!

Link to comment

Have you tried merely writing a letter? I'm not very open most of the time with my feelings especially when it comes to my relationship. It's not always easy to express them in a respectful way or to not react poorly. For me, I've found it's much easier to just write it all out. 

  • Like 3
Link to comment

So this is the post I've been trying to figure out how to resond to. Honestly, the biggest problem I'm having is trying to help you when I can't take my own advice. You may be the same way, but I know for me, my head knows many things that my emotions (for lack of a better word since I refuse to use the cliche of heart) will not let me follow. 

 

On 7/10/2018 at 10:18 AM, Rayanne Bostwick said:

But I feel like an annoyance and nothing but a bother when I try to talk to anyone about my feelings (same reason as not knowing how to talk about them), and that just causes more stress because I want to talk but don't know how and feel like I'm a burden if I try.

First things first, he is trying to help you and has invited you to share. Let him decide what is and is not a burden for him. 

15 hours ago, Rayanne Bostwick said:

But that, unfortunately, can't cure severe anxiety lol ? 

This is important (and where I struggle as well). You're right that no matter what he does and no matter how much he cares, he is not going to be able to fix that, he can just support you while you get help. 

You need to get help from a professional, major anxiety will not go away on its own. Counseling will also help you leatn how to share your struggles with him better. 

(My apologies because this is really rushed. I know nothing here is rocket science and you may be like me where you KNOW these things, you just can't DO them. I hope you do make progress on this. It is not an overnight process. It's good that you have someone to walk that path with you.)

  • Like 2
Link to comment
5 hours ago, gingerlee said:

So this is the post I've been trying to figure out how to resond to. Honestly, the biggest problem I'm having is trying to help you when I can't take my own advice. You may be the same way, but I know for me, my head knows many things that my emotions (for lack of a better word since I refuse to use the cliche of heart) will not let me follow. 

 

First things first, he is trying to help you and has invited you to share. Let him decide what is and is not a burden for him. 

This is important (and where I struggle as well). You're right that no matter what he does and no matter how much he cares, he is not going to be able to fix that, he can just support you while you get help. 

You need to get help from a professional, major anxiety will not go away on its own. Counseling will also help you leatn how to share your struggles with him better. 

(My apologies because this is really rushed. I know nothing here is rocket science and you may be like me where you KNOW these things, you just can't DO them. I hope you do make progress on this. It is not an overnight process. It's good that you have someone to walk that path with you.)

Yeah, I'm like that, great at giving advice but awful at following it XD

I am getting help (my psychologist is amazing!), I just don't have insurance and can only do appointments once every three months (next one is this Tuesday). I tried a counselor, and she was very nice and tried her best, but unfortunately, she wasn't trained to handle severe cases of mental illnesses, so it wasn't doing me any good. I assure you I'm already doing everything in my power (that's legal) that I can to get it treated properly. But I was forced to leave it untreated for the first few years of having it (long story), so that's probably why it's so bad right now.

Bah, sorry, I have a bad habit of rambling. But thank you! Your response didn't seem rushed at all, it was how I prefer things being told/suggested to me so I can actually understand them (short, sweet, and to the point/blunt!).

Link to comment
6 hours ago, gingerlee said:

You need to get help from a professional, major anxiety will not go away on its own. Counseling will also help you leatn how to share your struggles with him better

Sound advice GL

Link to comment
15 hours ago, Poison's said:

Have you tried merely writing a letter? I'm not very open most of the time with my feelings especially when it comes to my relationship. It's not always easy to express them in a respectful way or to not react poorly. For me, I've found it's much easier to just write it all out. 

I second this, writing it down will help you verbalise what you are thinking, you could even practice saying it out loud before you talk to your ER? I find the shower a great place for practicing speeches!

Another thing you could have is a "safe place" where you talk about anything and everything, like a meeting. For example you could use the dining table, or a special sofa configuration? Maybe holding a pillow or a soft toy means that you have the floor and want to talk uninterrupted.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
21 hours ago, Poison's said:

Have you tried merely writing a letter? I'm not very open most of the time with my feelings especially when it comes to my relationship. It's not always easy to express them in a respectful way or to not react poorly. For me, I've found it's much easier to just write it all out. 

Writing my feelings is harder than physically talking about them XD And considering my contact options for him are texting and private messaging through two social media places, a letter wouldn't really be helpful lol

 

6 hours ago, thisldo said:

I second this, writing it down will help you verbalise what you are thinking, you could even practice saying it out loud before you talk to your ER? I find the shower a great place for practicing speeches!

Another thing you could have is a "safe place" where you talk about anything and everything, like a meeting. For example you could use the dining table, or a special sofa configuration? Maybe holding a pillow or a soft toy means that you have the floor and want to talk uninterrupted.

We live about 3 hours away from each other, That's not really an option XD

Link to comment

You said you live three hours away and meeting to discuss things wasn't an option. You didn't say in your original post, but is your discipline directed/online in nature only; or do you meet in person with your "er" occasionally?  If so, then you could also try just writing important key words and phrases that you can expand on, instead of composing it in letter format which you said is difficult for you. Afterwards, let him know you want him to set aside some time beforehand when you next meet.

If online only, or you want to convey your problems to your er in a more timely manner, perhaps there is someone you trust enough, even from the site, that could help you put your thoughts into words about your phobia. 

Also, as part of your "agreement", you asssented to talk with him about any problems that pushed you to the edge. That is not to be taken lightly, as it is important to help you move forward. 

If none of these suggestions work for you, then perhaps the best thing to do is simply tell him that you have a problem that needs to be discussed, as agreed, but you don't "know how" to talk to him about it. That puts the ball in his court, and allows him the opportunity to broach the subject further with you and/or ask specific questions that you may be able to answer more easily.

Link to comment
7 minutes ago, ReadyOrNot said:

You said you live three hours away and meeting to discuss things wasn't an option. You didn't say in your original post, but is your discipline directed/online in nature only; or do you meet in person with your "er" occasionally?  If so, then you could also try just writing important key words and phrases that you can expand on, instead of composing it in letter format which you said is difficult for you. Afterwards, let him know you want him to set aside some time beforehand when you next meet.

If online only, or you want to convey your problems to your er in a more timely manner, perhaps there is someone you trust enough, even from the site, that could help you put your thoughts into words about your phobia. 

Also, as part of your "agreement", you asssented to talk with him about any problems that pushed you to the edge. That is not to be taken lightly, as it is important to help you move forward. 

If none of these suggestions work for you, then perhaps the best thing to do is simply tell him that you have a problem that needs to be discussed, as agreed, but you don't "know how" to talk to him about it. That puts the ball in his court, and allows him the opportunity to broach the subject further with you and/or ask specific questions that you may be able to answer more easily.

We do meet in person. Not often, but we do. If things go well, we'll both be attending a weekend-long event next month (that I actually want to do a meetup at with people from here!).

And thank you, that did help. Sometimes I just need a rational mind to hit me with a dose of logic ^^;

Link to comment

You're welcome...anytime! Sometimes, although the logic is there, it just needs a push to the front of your brain...lol

Good luck! Hope your weekend next month works out well and you get to meet at least someone from the site. 

Just be careful and stay safe!

Link to comment
25 minutes ago, ReadyOrNot said:

You're welcome...anytime! Sometimes, although the logic is there, it just needs a push to the front of your brain...lol

Good luck! Hope your weekend next month works out well and you get to meet at least someone from the site. 

Just be careful and stay safe!

I will! It is a huge event, I'd just be planning a small meetup to take place during it for a few locals on the site.

Link to comment
3 hours ago, Rayanne Bostwick said:

Writing my feelings is harder than physically talking about them XD And considering my contact options for him are texting and private messaging through two social media places, a letter wouldn't really be helpful lol

Well if writing feelings is harder than talking about them then my suggestion wouldn't necessarily work. If your main source of contact is online, you could type obviously, not just write. 

I still however think writing things down is a good idea. It doesn't have to be shared with your Er, but it is a good way to clear the mind, attempt to figure things out, and figure out exactly what and how you want to say things. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

I can't respond directly to your question but I can tell you that seeing my doc re: a low dose of anti anxiety meds changed my life.  I spent too many years feeling bad.  Not sure if that would help you, but just offering my experience.  Good luck to you.

Link to comment
1 hour ago, penitentgirl said:

I can't respond directly to your question but I can tell you that seeing my doc re: a low dose of anti anxiety meds changed my life.  I spent too many years feeling bad.  Not sure if that would help you, but just offering my experience.  Good luck to you.

I've already tried them. Only one actually helped (everything else just made me feel sick and lethargic and even more depressed than usual), but it only worked for maybe two weeks before doing what the others did. I'm trying various natural remedies since that's my last option haha. But thank you!

Link to comment
1 hour ago, AbleHanded said:

Agree totally. Anxiety and depression are medical issues for which one should find the best professional resources, whether good talk therapy or meds are required. A therapist who understands your spanking fetish and relationship is an important criterion. 

MOST IMPORTANT: You’re not alone. In our society today, anxiety and depression are very common ailments. Bit by bit, people are learning to treat them as medical conditions as legitimate as any other, and not to stigmatize the sufferers. 

For couples in a healthy DD relationship, the relief and closeness of discipline, and for the spankee, the ability to let go of control, can augment good treatment. It’s like having good friends, loving family, an understanding spiritual advisor, or, yes, even the corner bartender. But it’s *never* a substitute for professional health care.

Frankly, it’s more than you can expect from anyone in your life, because they don’t have the training. Spankings can be therapeutic, but it’s not an equivalent, and it asks too much from the spanker. 

Best wishes and keep us posted on how you’re doing. This community cares. 

am seeing a professional for my anxiety and depression. I've stated that at least twice in this thread. In fact, I had an appointment today. I did tell my psychologist that I have a friend who spanks me to relieve guilt when it becomes too much, which is true, and they understood. But the spankings are to help with my excessive guilt, not cure/fix my anxiety and/or depression. I know they can't do that and I have never expected them to. They are simply for the guilt those two things cause because it builds up and makes it difficult to work on treating the anxiety/depression. How it makes it difficult is that if it gets to be too much, it forces me several steps backwards in my progress and I never get past a certain point. If the guilt isn't weighing me down, I can move forward and make more progress. I have to feel as if I've been punished for the guilt to go away, that's literally the only thing that gets rid of it, and I've tried several things over the years.

This is also not about a "fetish". It's purely emotional. I don't expect it to be a "substitute for professional healthcare", I don't use it as one (it's supplementary), and I expect nothing from my friend/ER except things that have been 100% set and agreed upon to happen. And we're not a couple, everything between us is strictly platonic.

And that post sure didn't make me feel like you care. It felt more like an attempt to subtly talk down to me and make me feel bad. Which it has. So thanks, I needed that today.

PLEASE NO ONE ELSE RESPOND I AM DONE WITH THIS THREAD AND I DO NOT WANT ANY MORE RESPONSES TO IT WHATSOEVER!

  • Sad 1
Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...
Search In
  • More options...
Find results that contain...
Find results in...

Write what you are looking for and press enter or click the search icon to begin your search