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I’m not a spanko...

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But my girlfriend is. I was uncomfortable at first, but then decided that I was willing to learn how to spank her and be game for her kink. Then she tells me that she no longer wants me to be the one to spank her. She wants to find someone else to do it. We are in a same sex relationship, and she wants to have another lesbian spank her. She swears that it isn’t sexual to her, but then also describes what an important bond and how intimate and special the spanker/spankee relationship is. I scoured these boards looking for advice, but what I mostly found is that many people prefer their spanker to be their partner. I just don’t understand why she doesn’t want me to be a part of this, and I’m not sure what to do. Any advice? Thanks in advance.

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Whether spanking is sexual or not for your girlfriend...if you are not comfortable with her being spanked by another woman, you should make that extremely clear.  It can lead to a lot of heartache down the road if you reluctantly allow her to do something so intimate with another person, telling yourself you are okay with it when you are really not. 

If you want to be the one who is providing spankings for your girlfriend, you might find it useful to talk to people on here not for advice, but rather to understand why we are so emotionally attached to spanking.  For example, many of us do not think of spanking as a kink.  Not every spanking experience is fun or sexually exciting.  Sometimes it can be about discipline or stress relief too. 

If you develop more perspective on what spanking is all about, it might be easier for you to talk to your girlfriend and try to understand more about what is so important about it to her.  Maybe if you show your girlfriend that you have a good understanding of her need for spanking, she would change her mind about wanting to find someone else to administer her spankings. 

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I understand her dilemma... for me there are certain things i look for in a spanker. I have to respect them a lot, and they have to say the right things. Try sitting down with her and ask exactly what she needs. You seem like you are very willing to learn.

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Guest californiadreamer11

Perhaps she wants you to take that control.  Tell her no, I'm not going to do your bidding and find someone else.  And then show her that you are fully capable of handling her needs.  Then turn her bottom a bright crimson to prove your point.  If you need some advice on how to handle it, let me know and I would be glad to give you my input.

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    The two of you need to sit down and really talk this out. Find out why she doesn't want you doing the spanking for starter but don't agree for her to get someone else to spank her when you know you won't be comfortable. This won't work for everyone in your situation but years back I was talking to a young lady in the same spot you are in. She tried doing the spanking but just couldn't get into it and the spankings showed it. She HATED the idea of her partner being spanked by another female and the partner told her she wouldn't go behind her back and do it. The three of us talked for months about anything and everything Then almost joking I told them the easy fix was for me to do the spanking. Lisa could get the spankings she needed and Cathy didn't have to worry seeing I wasn't a female. 

  Fast forward a month and we are meeting for a weekend. I got two rooms … one for them and one for me. I told them I would not spank Lisa without Cathy in the room to watch. It went better than any of us thought it could. A couple times it was Cathy that looked like she was going to cry but Lisa told her she was fine. All the limits were in place and once Lisa's bottom was blood red I sent her to Cathy so she could rub cold baby oil on her bottom. When I put Lisa in the corner with her well oiled bottom on display I teased Cathy and asked if she was next. Later when Lisa was getting spanked with a belt I made Cathy count out the licks. 


   We met once a month for over a year and we all had a blast. It ended when Cathy decided she could really handle giving the spanking herself and she did a good job. Last I heard they are still together and the last I talked to Lisa she giggled and said I created a monster. So don't give up and talk then talk some more then sit down and talk again. 

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Thanks so much for your advice. I really appreciate the thought and care that everyone put in to their answers. Does anyone know of spankos that exclusively do not want their partner to be their spanker? She says it’s because she wants us to be equals and doesn’t want me to have authority over her, but as I’m trying to understand it, it seems as if the spankee has the majority of the power? 


The main problem we have is that she had an online spanker (who she had never met in person) and was talking to that spanker all day every day. Their relationship seemed very intimate and friendly, and adding the spanking element on to it made me even more uncomfortable. She planned to have the spanker come to our house for the  weekend, which I was uncomfortable with, and then when it turned out to be a weekend I would be out of town, I flat out said no. We argued a lot, because she maintains I just don’t understand this need (though I am trying to understand it). 


Long story sort, it’s a good thing, because it came to light that she was being catfished. The person who had said they were a 26 year old lesbian was really guy named Chris in his 30s. 

Tl/dr: I’m trying to save my relationship. I’m scared this difference is going to be the end of us. 

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Hi @Vanilla,

I am a person that does not want my partner to be my spanker. The biggest reason is that he is vanilla and it would always feel forced and/or one-sided. If he liked giving spankings, then I would love for him to do that but I still don't think I would like him to give punishment spankings. Erotic or stress relieving, yes. Punishment, no...unless this were a mutual practice i.e. each could give and receive punishment spankings. However, given that he is not a spanker and not interested in being a spanker (he has spanked me once - it was light and because I really wanted him to and he knew it was for my stress relief) I can really only speculate about what it would be like if he were a spanker but we have been married a long time and for us being partners on an equal footing really matters. I know that domestic discipline relationships work for some but I am certain that it would not work for us.

I have only embraced this part of me in the last year (I tried to squash it for decades) and I have his blessing because he sees the difference it has made in me. I am more confident and I am making serious changes in my lifestyle. I have more joy than I have had in a long time and have begun to take care of myself. I have lost more than 12 kg in less than three months by being active and eating smarter.

Having said all of that, it is really important to find someone who is sane safe. There is lots of advice on this site about things to do in order to be safe about meeting up with someone. It is unlikely I would host a spanking session because we have two adult children with one living at home. Plus spanking is intimate and somehow this would seem weird. I would need my husband's blessing and to KNOW that my kids were out of town. I am not at the stage of likely doing this but it is possible. It would be when my husband would be away but it would not be an overnight.

Spanking is intimate and it is easy to get caught up in an internet relationship. I found that it was very easy to talk to the my would-be spanker (someone at last who understood and could answer my questions) and when scheduling a session was proving to be difficult, these emails became very important. If my husband had not known that I was in contact with this person, it would have felt like I was cheating, even though there was nothing sexual about it.

I have talked openly with my husband and asked if he would like to meet potential spankers or if he would like the right to approve or disapprove. He said no, he just wanted me to go about it safely.

I guess what I am saying is that I can understand your partner's desire to look elsewhere. If you are only doing it for her, she will always know this and the experience will always be lacking and this can lead to resentment, even though you are trying to help. I also understand the desire to want to be partners with you. DD relationships work for some and not for others. However, because the two of you are in a relationship, it is important that you be committed to each other and find ways to support each other (sorry, I'm not preaching though it may sound this way). Your needs have to factor into that relationship as well.

I cannot emphasize how important safety is. Please look at some of the safety posts.

I also found http://spankingbasics.com/

to answer some questions - sorry if this is covering ground you already have been over.



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13 hours ago, Vanilla said:

We argued a lot, because she maintains I just don’t understand this need (though I am trying to understand it). 

My husband is vanilla, and has warmed to accommodating me but it's not the same as someone who is really in it.  We had several fits and starts earlier in our relationship and when I felt dissatisfied with his involvement I did not want/could not submit to him.  We are more simpatico now, and I am grateful to be getting some needs met at home, but I still have the desire to get a spanking from someone who really wants to give it.

From that standpoint I can understand where your gf might be at.  And PS it's no ones fault, certainly not your fault, kudos to you for trying to be understanding.

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@LateBloomer Thank you for your response and advice. I hear what you are saying, but it does make me feel hopeless for our relationship. If I am not okay with her being spanked by another woman, and also feel left out and hurt that she doesn’t want me to be involved in something so intimate and important to her (doesn’t even want me in the room), and if she is missing out on an amount of joy like you describe for yourself, then it seems like parting ways is the only solution. I know if I give her the choice, she will choose me (We’ve been together for 8 years and dating for 5) but I don’t want her to sacrifice herself or her happiness. 


This is so hard. I wish that I could make myself a spanko, or that she could make herself not one. 


Thanks again for the input. 

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If it helps, i'm kind of in a similar situation. My husband knows i hate spankings (and not in a good way) and now he's pretty much obsessed with finding other women to spank. I can understand that it's not sexual for him, but the fact that he spends most of his time online with other women is really depressing for me. Unlike you though, i don't think our relationship will last through it. I'm glad your partner at least seems to value you more than spankings. Best of luck to you. 

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I for the longest time; originally,. wanted my spanking partner to also be my S/o. But was too scared to give up that control to a partner. A platonic, nonsexual, coach/ mentor that acted more of a brother-figure (at first); is what I settled for. It worked, really, really, well. In-fact, I'm still good friends with him. But, when I trusted my partner enough, and we had a long steady relationship, that role, is now -- his role. And it's different, more intimate, and more special than a mentoring dynamic. If I ever needed to go back to my mentor for punishments -- I would. I know that I am not cheating on my partner by doing so because I don't feel sexual attractions to them.

Would you be willing to let her seek-out her needs if you were in the room and involved in the process too?

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