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Are you a Submissive?


Child of Light

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I know that not every ee’ is a submissive and that’s a different role. 

This Thread is for Submissive ee’s.

I went from just wanting discipline to DD, to now I want more of the lines of Submissive and serving (but *not* in a slave way). 

Anyway else desires evolved to this (esp if you thought you’d never want that level). 

 

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This type of question often tickles me because it can start quite a debate. Not everyone understands what a submissive truly is. Many tend to see us as a doormat, a quiet little mouse with no backbone

But of course!  I would never expect anything less from you!  lol Personally, I hate the way most online sources define submission whether the person be male or female.  Submission doesn't look

I’ve been slowly showing my “vanilla” partner that he has a desire to be a Dom

Every relationship that I've been in has been abusive either physically, emotionally, or both.  I never thought I'd ever trust a man enough to give up any sort of control, let alone want to give up control.  I have that with my Dom now and couldn't be happier.

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This type of question often tickles me because it can start quite a debate. Not everyone understands what a submissive truly is. Many tend to see us as a doormat, a quiet little mouse with no backbone, etc. It's so not true.

When I started out in this lifestyle 28 years ago I was told that I had submissive tendencies. I didn't really know what that meant, but I immediately thought of some wimpy girl and I didn't like the thought of that. Luckily I had a good teacher. I found that I was a submissive. Back then I was very shy and kept most of my thoughts to myself, but over the years I have grown into myself and learned to speak up, seek what I want, etc. I am intelligent. I am a strong willed woman. I am stubborn. I am full of wit and humor. I often times speak before I think and let the first thought in my head come out. I was a single mother, raised my sons on my own, bought my house alone, ran a business alone, etc. Few people I knew would ever call me submissive.

Some think of submission as only being sexual. Although I am 100% submissive in the bedroom it is so much more to me. When it comes to submission I lean towards the nonsexual rather than the sexual aspect of it. I like control in my day to day life. I like rules. I like to try to live up to what my partner wants me to be. (As long as it is healthy!) Submission helps me to feel more feminine. Submission allows me to be more open emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. It takes away the mask that so many of us wear in our daily lives. It allows me to let my guard down and be free. To me, being able to surrender to him shows that I have self-confidence and self esteem as a woman. Submission allows a deeper trust, grace and comapanionship in our relationship.

I'm submissive to one person and he has to be the right man. Thankfully I have found him. He is strong in all the right ways. He is not a control freak and does not micro-manage me. He enjoys my spirit. I live by a set of rules that he enforces. I enjoy taking care of him as much as he takes care of me. I do not serve as a slave nor would he expect it. My service comes in other forms. I do obey to the best of my ability and when I don't he holds me accountable for my actions. I would actually have no problem with any control he wanted to take. He always has my best interests at heart. He is my rock and my strength. He is the person that helps me grow, learn, believe in and cherish myself. When he tells me to do something a type of peacefulness enters my body and takes over. It's my happy place. 

Submission is different for each person, but to me it involves these characteristics...HONESTY. No relationship is worthwhile without it. It's extremely important in a Dominant submissive relationship. Be able and willing to bare your soul. ACCEPTANCE. You have to be able and willing to accept his will over yours. You have to be able to accept complete surrender. INTELLIGENCE. Very few men want a woman who always gives the same answer or plays dumb. He wants someone who can have an intelligent conversation and be able to offer her own opinion. He may want to lead, but he likes a woman who can think for herself. COMPATIBILITY. If you aren't compatible in your likes and desires then you are doomed from the start. A Dominant man can force you to his will, but you will begin to resent it very quickly. Submission isn't about force. SELF-RESPECT. Remember that you are a person and that your Dominant partner should value and cherish you. He should know that your needs and hopes are valid. If he does not, then give him the address of a pet store and tell him to look there!!  COMMUNICATION. A good partner will be able to read subtle clues, but he is not a psychic so you have to be able to communicate with him. Guessing often leads to failure and misunderstanding. Communication is the key for these relationships. Talk often! CONSISTENCY. For both partners...A Dominant does not want a submissive who has a totally different personality each day. Be yourself each day. A submissive also does not want a Dominant who holds her accountable one day and lets everything go the next. PATIENCE. This is a trait for any relationship. We all have bad days, be patient when it happens. 

So, yes...I am a submissive and this is my take on it. 

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I totally agree to all of those things, Shy!

My partner and I communicate our feelings very well. And respect each other’s desired and views to try things that work for us. 

To clarify, when I say *serve* I don’t mean sexually or on command — I mean more rules that benefit *him* and not just me (ie dinner served at x time). 

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Submission is different for all of us. There is no right or wrong way. It depends on the needs and desires of each of you. I'm happy you've found someone. Take it slow and explore what works and what doesn't. Have fun along the way...

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Well now, that was quite the reply Shy!  lol  

Much agreed with everything that you said.  Thanks again for helping me along the way!

1 hour ago, Child of Light said:

I’ve been slowly showing my “vanilla” partner that he has a desire to be a Dom :)

Ah my dear friend, if anyone can pull a Dom out of someone, it's you.  Shy and I have taught you well lol.  

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Sorry P, I tend to be a bit long winded on certain subjects that are close to my heart.

As to showing a partner that he has a desire to be a Dom...take it easy. This isn't something that is necessarily learned. Go slow and let him get use to things. You might find him some reading materials on the subject so he can learn a bit on his own. Those who take to it slowly are some times the best ones!!

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1 hour ago, shygurl said:

Sorry P, I tend to be a bit long winded on certain subjects that are close to my heart.

No need to apologize lol.  I was just messing with you.  You've helped a lot over the years even if I don't always like your "help" lol

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You don't always like my help??? Jeez!! And here I have offered to talk to him so many times. 

I'm doing my best to hide my evil little grin at the moment!! :P

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1 hour ago, shygurl said:

You don't always like my help??? Jeez!! And here I have offered to talk to him so many times. 

I'm doing my best to hide my evil little grin at the moment!! :P

I have no doubt you and I will meet up in person again.  I'm sure you will fill his head with all kinds of "helpful" things!  lol

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Although it's wrapped in a Caregiver/little setting for me it amounts to the meeting of needs through  firm compassionate oversight and rules because without firm external structures I struggle to get things together and although "submission" as a word today has other overtones, submission for me means the acceptance of this and them having the final word in certain situations rather than something controlling or just being a doormat. Far from taking away my sense of self by filling the gaps in I struggle with, it enables me coupled with directed support and training to do more for myself. And that's a good thing.

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I have certainly evolved over the years. I've always been obsessed with spanking, but saw myself more as a spanker since that seemed to be the proscribed role for males (and I love female bottoms!;)). But over the years, I've come to realize that I find strong, dominant females to be incredibly sexy and love it when my wife is "in charge."

I still consider myself a switch and would love to have a female bottom over my knee, but since my wife will not put up with that, I've ended up exploring my submissive side. And now that I look back over my life, I can see that I've had submissive qualities all along (maybe we all do).

I was always a bit shy -- especially around females. While in many ways I am a "typical male" (playing sports, strong, tough, guarded emotionally), in other ways my personality probably fits whatever a submissive is. I've never been very aggressive, and it's difficult to make me angry. I'm also very patient, easy going and kind.

So am I submissive? I still don't know. I certainly don't fit the definition of a submissive you see online of someone who enjoys being abused by females, but I do love "taking care" of my wife in certain ways and encouraging her to lead in our relationship.

Perhaps we make too much of these labels. As Popeye would say, "I yam what I yam and that's all that I yam."

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9 hours ago, shygurl said:

I'm looking forward to it. I'll have to make sure I have my best ideas and material ready for him. I just want to help, of course!!

But of course!  I would never expect anything less from you!  lol

2 hours ago, countspankulot said:

So am I submissive? I still don't know. I certainly don't fit the definition of a submissive you see online of someone who enjoys being abused by females, but I do love "taking care" of my wife in certain ways and encouraging her to lead in our relationship.

Personally, I hate the way most online sources define submission whether the person be male or female.  Submission doesn't look the same for every person or every relationship.  In fact, you don't have to be in a relationship at all to consider yourself a submissive.  Being a submissive can come in many forms, all of which require trust in the Dominant.  Just like no two people are alike, it's hard for me to believe that the dynamics of any two D/s relationships will look exactly alike.  

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10 minutes ago, shygurl said:

Yes, it does, but the question was...Are you a submissive.

There is a difference between being a submissive and submitting to a spanker.

Not to mention, there are submissives who aren't into spanking. They can cross in a venn diagram but don't fully overlap ;)

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I believe there is a conceptual difference between wanting discipline and submission. If your primary motivation is to be held accountable for living up to rules that you have agreed to and support, then you want discipline. If you want to give over control and yield to someone else's will to express your trust and love for them, then that is submission. Those are not mutually exclusive, and wanting both is some mix is common. Even if you want both, you may want them delivered in a separated fashion or mixed together.

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I came here from a bdsm/kink world. Much like here I am a switch so for me those feelings often cin8e up and I think many find submissive to intimidating almost because they doubt understand the whole aspect of it.

 

I personally believe the two can tie in with the right people and a LOT of communication. 

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