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Maybe it is a lost cause...


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I dont think my husband understands the difference between punishment and sexual spanking. You all know this is new water for him....and I get that but, over the weekend I went out to grab some things for dinner. I got side tracked with my sister in law...and we went shopping for about 3 hours. I dont think my husbands ever been more upset with me. He was soo mad when we got home. I got the scolding of a lifetime and was certain I would be payong for it that night...but nothing. I finally asked him about it...i attached his response. Im not really sure how to handle this one...

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A hard one.

Tell him he should have spanked you even if he forgave you.

You must tell him he must be more firm with you otherwise it will just continue like it is now.

Sit him down, discuss with him that you need discipline in your life, and that he must not let you get away with it.

It will make for a better marriage but he has to meet you half way.

Ian

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Honestly, I think he has a point -- it's not "punishment" if it's something you want, and he senses that you get some form of satisfaction from it. For spankos, spanking can actually reinforce bad behavior, and it sounds like he gets that. Sometimes withholding a spanking can be more of a deterrent. I think you need to talk with him about it (at a time when you're both more relaxed), but maybe you also need to take an honest look at whether you are really giving him control or whether you're topping from the bottom with your expectations.

He may never feel comfortable spanking you for actual punishment or when he's having strong emotions. Maybe some role-play would be helpful. Good luck.

PS -- probably best to address those kinds of things in person rather than via texting.

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definitely way too soon to chalk this up as a lost cause!

he is communicating with you about your needs, to the door is open.

you can't blame him if you haven't yet made it clear what your needs are.

keep at it, before you know it you will be saying "why did I want this?!"

good luck!

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I know where you are coming from. We struggled with this early on in our relationship. You crave being held accountable to him. The fact that he didn't punish you when you knew you had it coming made you feel like he didn't care. He thinks he will get through to you by not spanking you because he thinks that is all you crave. So, yes, he did in fact punish you. By making you feel unloved and uncared for which is pretty unfulfilling for those of us who desire loving discipline. With me, that takes away all desire to seek approval or even worry about trying to do better. It just makes you feel like the one you love has turned their back to you. Chances are, this is not how he wants you to feel and he won't know you feel this way unless you tell him. Communication is very important, don't stop trying. Ands while you still need to discuss things in person, texting has worked well for us because sometimes it's easier to open up with things that are hard to say when they are looking you right in the eye.

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Sorry but it sounds like a game. You like it. You want it. He sees that. Isn't willing to play your game. I'm going to say this once. Listen. To. Me.

It is OK to like spanking. It is okay to ask for spanking because you like it. It is also not necessarily sexual even if it's not punishment.

To you haters, save your effort. Your prude attitudes have no affect on me here anymore.

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Kate and AKS really hit the nail on the head as far as my situation is concerned. My wife has said nearly the exact same thing as your husband when we discussed spanking as a means of discipline. What we came up with is that I have to maintain a certain level of behavior to earn a spanking. If I act like an ass then I don't get spanked. If I'm extra thoughtful maybe I get a little extra. It seems to be working for us and still requires something from me to get what I want. But don't give up, it takes time to find what works for you.

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One of the obstacles in a spanko/nonspanko relationship is the difference in perceptions and expectations.

In this particular instance, your expectation was that he would perceive you as a naughty child who had crossed a line and expects spanking punishment as a result of her bad behavior.

A nonspanko perception of this behavior is more likely to be that you are an adult partner who betrayed a trust and behaved in a selfish and hurtful manner. What he expects is an adult apology and due respect from that partner. Crying apologies and promises of better behavior from a spanked little girl probably isn't on his radar as real remorse. Of course he's angry- but anger stems from being hurt. I AM hard-wired as a spanker/spanko, and I wouldn't spank you for this, so why would he?

It's time to put on your big girl panties, offer up a real grown-up sincere apology, and hope that it opens a door to some heart to heart dialogue about perceptions, expectations, and intentions. If he's willing, consider engaging in role play. While it may feel silly or uncomfortable at first, it can be surprisingly satisfying AND a gateway to a more 'real' disciplinary relationship.

Here's how you could have made this event a role-play situation. "Honey, I'm going to the store. Let's pretend that while I'm out, I run into a friend and stay out for 3 hours without calling or letting you know where I am. Show me how you'd deal with that when I got home..."

And THATS when you get to pull your naughty little girl panties down and take the spanking that you desire so much...

Good luck!

MB

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hmmmm....

I may have a slightly different take than others, but it could be that I'm projecting myself into the situation in some regards.

First, while a confirmed spanko, I can assert that at least in my case, I have experienced spankings that have acted as a deterant for me. I can also relate to the posters confusion and frustration. There are occassionaly aspects of my behavior that are only mild tramgressions in the eyes of my partner, but they are major disappointments in myself for me. One of the hardest things about accepting someone else as an authority, is not just granting them permission to hold you accountable, but including in that their authority to forgive you. My partner finds it much easier to forgive me than I do myself - mostly likely because she views me in the context of everything I do and am - not just one disappointing event.

That said, my suggestion would be that you use this as an opportunity to communicate. What your partner may be missing is that you may have a need to feel "redeemed" or "absolved", in a way that just his words cannot provide. Probably related to the cathartic release that some get from confession, if he loves you, he'll want to know that a good spanking sometimes is the only way YOU can forgive yourself and leave the issue behind. There's a good chance he may think at some level that giving you a spanking is something he is doing for humself, in order to forgive or teach you - especially likely if there is a sexual element to spanking in your relationship.

Just random thoughts - hope something helps!

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Yeah I'm with DunBenSpanked. I utterly disagree w a bunch of you guys up there.

I do fun spankings. I do punishment ones. They are two different things to me. Need both to be happy.

First off I can easily ask if I want to play. I know it doesn't have to becsexual. I usually don't do sexual spankings. I like roleplay and can and do ask if I want to roleplay a scene.

I HAVE NEVER screwed up or behaved badly in order to get a spanking or BC I didn't know how to ask for play. Honestly I find the insinuation insulting and hurtful.

If I screw up, I do Not want to play. I do not want to rp the screw up. I do not find any consequences after fun or enjoyable. Even if it is a spanking that I normally love. Especially then.

I would not feel 'satisfied' I got spanked. I would feel safer and more secure in my partners affection, yes. Emotionally I'd get something I need. Happy or sexually aroused or non-sexually pleased by play? Never.

I don't like screwing up. If I feel bad I don't feel sexy, or playful, or in the mood for a fun spanking. If I'm expecting a punishment and it's treated like play ? I'd stop the scene. Even if I enjoy play. Even if it normally is lots of fun. In that context play ( a reward) feels wrong.

Punishment is not something I want. I don't want it, I try to avoid it. That's what makes it work. But it is something I need.

It's not about being a 'naughty child'. It's about making the apology and forgiveness more tangible. It goes together w an adult apology, any amends I can figure out, and a firm resolve not to do it again. It doesn't preclude talking and vanilla ways to sort out relationship issues. It enhances them. Clears the air a bit.

That said, if you aren't wired that way it can be hard to get or do. He may not be able to. He may not get anything out of it if he is able to. ( and I would want my partner to need this too, to get something out of it. If he didn't and still agreed ID ask what he may need to feel better/help deal w the issue. It can't be a one sided Street).

So my suggestion? If any of this resonates? Talk to him. Explain why you felt a spanking was appropriate and what you would get out of it and how it could/would be different from play. And then ask how he would feel doing it. If it would make him ( a vanilla) feel put upon and worse, you may need another way. Creativity helps.

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He is not going to be your perfect spanker right away. He's very new to the whole concept.

Give the guy a break. He's trying to work with you to figure this whole thing out. The two of you need to write down your feelings and swap notes. He needs to understand your point of view AND you need to understand his.

Ask him what you can do to make the whole spanking thing easier on him.

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Here's how you could have made this event a role-play situation. "Honey, I'm going to the store. Let's pretend that while I'm out, I run into a friend and stay out for 3 hours without calling or letting you know where I am. Show me how you'd deal with that when I got home..."

^THIS! It sets up the scene and gives you both time to get into character so to speak. Great idea MissBam!

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