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I came across this forum in my research to find out the attraction this and other "bondage" type of activities. I am very confused about all of this and don't really understand it, thus I turned to the internet to help me understand.

Here is the issue. I am a very logical thinking person, and also very emotionally attached to things and people which I love. On the exterior I am very hard as I worked in public safety for many years, but in the core I am very delicate especially when it comes to my wife.

My wife has been into spanking and having a "master" in the past. Recently this guy emailed her and it really pissed me off. She has told me she was curious about doing it again, but has never told me directly to do it. I am very uncomfortable with doing it because I see it as hurting her. She had me try it the other night and it still bothers me a bit. I am not going to lie, while it was kind of fun I was and still am afraid to do this, because deep down it was how I was raised.

I guess I am very conflicted with it. I know it brings her pleasure and she enjoys it, but I struggle with the thought of hurting the woman I care about most in this world. I am not willing to let her "have a mentor" or whatever, and I am not comfortable sharing intimate details about our relationship, however finding some information, possibly a guide would be nice. I want to keep her happy and fulfill her needs. I am just struggling with it at the same time.

Thank you in advance for understanding and helpful advice.

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First off, kudos for being open.

The biggest issue for you is not the spanking. It's about keeping the lines of communication open between you and your wife. You're doing well thus far.

Now, then....

1. You did it. You're obviously not 100% happy about it, but you did it. Your wife is fully aware that you basically had to break some of your own limits to do so, and even if she doesn't verbalize it, she appreciates it.

2. Also, I can tell you that it was not the technically best spanking she's ever gotten. That's because you lack practice and because you're still fighting yourself. Keep at it. The more you do it, the better you'll be. In about a month or two, you will have more experience spanking your wife than anyone else in the world. Both you and your wife need to accept that you need experience, and you will grow into your role.

3. You say you're in Arizona. Miss Chris (https://fetlife.com/users/63676) runs Spank University in Phoenix. https://fetlife.com/groups/6054

4. I like to say that there are two places that kink can take place: in the bedroom and out of it. This group primarily focuses on the "out of it", where spanking is not sexual and mostly follows rules that apply to out-of-bedroom life. Plenty of other sites focus on the spanking/sex connection.

Welcome!

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Although my point is only partly related to your concern (which is largely emotional and cultural in nature), I would add that it's difficult to actually physically harm someone by spanking them. A proper spanking (given only on the buttocks and with close attention to their emotional and physical responses) is no more than what many unruly teenagers receive every day from caring parents. I grew up in the South in the 60s and 70s, and a well derserved butt-whoopin was not generally considered abusive or harmful -- that change in thinking about spanking is a relatively recent phenomenon. If your wife is a spanko and craves spankings, then spanking her is a favor rather than abuse. In my experience, her thoughts and needs are not likely to go away -- I tried to repress this for years and didn't act on it until I was in my early 50s, and finally embracing this part of myself proved to be a HUGE relief. I applaud you for trying to meet her needs, and I encourage you to give it more time to see if you can come to a place where you are more comfortable with it.

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Katekk,

Thank you for your reply. I guess this is the type of information I needed to help me be more relaxed about it... I received many well deserved beatings myself. It just conflicts with my whole upbringing of never laying a hand on a woman type of ideals in my head. I think about it, and all I hear is my dad in my head letting me know what an ass kicking I would get from him if he ever found out I did that. I am open to the idea, especially knowing it makes her happy I just wonder if there are people who have had this same type of struggle and what they did. Is it like a concussion and will eventually heal with time, or is it more like a bike riding and you have to keep getting up when you fall type of thing? My brain works in strange ways, I have never understood "carnal needs" and this makes things like this more difficult for me.

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Here is another question more focused towards people who "need" this type of thing. How do I know when it is appropriate? This is another thing that boggles my mind. I don't know if it's a demanding thing or do I wait for her to tell me when she is wanting it done?

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Here is another question more focused towards people who "need" this type of thing. How do I know when it is appropriate? This is another thing that boggles my mind. I don't know if it's a demanding thing or do I wait for her to tell me when she is wanting it done?

Right now, the two of you need to keep the lines of communication open.

For the present, spank her when she asks for it. Or, when you want to do it for your own fun, tell her you want to spank her and see what she says. Sometimes she'll be in the mood for it, sometimes now.

Punishment spankings will be later. You will have to know this thing reasonably well first - after you've gotten over the mixed feelings you have to some degree. Perhaps in three to six months, you can ask her where she's at: what sorts of things you should be able to punish her for, what happens when you think she's earned one and she doesn't, that you're concerned you'll quit once she starts crying, etc.

And just to let you know - this stuff ain't easy. I still screw it up occasionally and don't punish my sub when I should, or jump to punishment too readily at other times. Please don't expect it to come naturally to you right away. Work into it.

You and your wife made a major commitment to each other when you got married. This is nothing more than both of you working with each other to tackle an issue.

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I would first ask your wife to tell you exactly WHAT aspects of the master/mentor relatioship fulfills this need she has. Many enter a disciplinarian relationship because of a deep need for accountability. If her work, family life is often stressful, she might need the the mental and sometimes subsequently physical relase from that.

I understand very well the conflict; my husband was also taught never to hit girls , and even tho he was far more into the scene than I was (my need and desire were always on the vanilla side) initially, he was always concerned he was 'hurting' me if a bruise so much appeared). (we were not involved in any mentoring,disciplinarian relationship; it was more playful and silly and erotic.)

I will tell you this, I think it was only thru spanking that we reached that level of intimacy and complete trust. For a few hours, I could let go, and hand the control to another; I never felt safer than when I was in his arms. He saw the innermost, not so pretty parts of me and loved me anyways and I KNEW that would never change. We were both quiet people, and kept our grievances within. This was a way of saying, "I screwed up, I said and did things that I know were probably hurtful to you and i am truly sorry"

The frame of mind that men dont hit women is common. My partner was always hesitant about hurting me; and it took a long while for that to actually sink in that sometime I needed the physical pain in order to find emotional relief thru tears. . The best part for me was curling up in his lap , physically and emotionally drained, with his arms holding me tight knowing I was totally safe and he was willing to stand guard for awhile.

As has been said many times, communication is the key. Express your fears, ask her to describe what need was satisfied in her previous master relationship and discuss what, ove time will be gratifying to you both.

Again, my knowledge is extremely limited as my only relationsip was within the constructs of a marriage.

Kudos for reaching out to try and understand. Explore that "fun" aspect you mentioned; it might very well be the door to of a relatonship that you never knew existed.

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Talk to her, ask her what she likes and doesn't like, tell her what you like and don't like, try fun and playful spankings for awhile as you figure things out. There are no rules. Although it can feel awkward, role-playing or acting out a scene that you two create together might help as you try new things. Personally, I don't like to ask -- I will go without before I will ask, as an important part of my "thing" is giving up control and letting someone else take charge. But for others, asking is no big deal. Everyone is different.

I am not an ER and can't answer your specific questions about your internal struggles with this, but I can say that most things in life get easier with practice (if you're willing to keep at it). Practice makes better, as an old teacher of mine used to say. :)

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Thank you all for taking the time to answer my questions. We have talked and will continue talking about things. She understands my curiosity, and that I am still uncomfortable with it. She has addressed this with me and says I will have no problem knowing. Thank you for allowing me to get this out there, and off of my chest, it made a difference in being able to talk.

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Hi Confused Guy,

Please keep us posted on your progress.

There has been much good advice above. I just wanted to add that I was in the same position as your wife quite a few years ago. It took many soul bareing conversations before she could understand my needs. In the beginning I didn't even understand fully my needs so I had to figure that out first before I could impart that knowledge to her.

And she had trouble getting past the idea that she was "hurting me". Now, after a much deserved spanking, if she sees that I am uncomfortable hours later or have marks from the spanking her only comment is "good, it's supposed to hurt".

Regards,

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Hi Texas and Confused Man,

That is another option that was discussed here early on when my wife didn't think she could bring herself to spank me. She told me that I should try to find someone else to do it, probably a professional. While I was looking she decided that she wouldn't want someone else doing it and would try it herself. When we talked about the possible other person my wife said she would have to be there, at least in another room listening. So I would be taken there and handed over with instructions as to severity required.

If the roles were reversed I wouldn't feel good about having her spanked by another guy either but would have to consider it if she really needed that. In our case it would have to be a female disciplinarian. But that is moot because she wants no part of getting spanked herself. Haha!

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Some people have strong preferences about gender for various reasons, and some don't. If you try for awhile and you just can't make this be your cup of tea, then maybe it would be less threatening to you if your wife went to a female spanker to get her needs met (if she's open to that). Another option might be for the both of you to go to a female spanker for "lessons" to help you get more comfortable with the whole thing. There are no rules -- you two get to decide what works best for your relationship.

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I came across this forum in my research to find out the attraction this and other "bondage" type of activities. I am very confused about all of this and don't really understand it, thus I turned to the internet to help me understand.

Here is the issue. I am a very logical thinking person, and also very emotionally attached to things and people which I love. On the exterior I am very hard as I worked in public safety for many years, but in the core I am very delicate especially when it comes to my wife.

My wife has been into spanking and having a "master" in the past. Recently this guy emailed her and it really pissed me off. She has told me she was curious about doing it again, but has never told me directly to do it. I am very uncomfortable with doing it because I see it as hurting her. She had me try it the other night and it still bothers me a bit. I am not going to lie, while it was kind of fun I was and still am afraid to do this, because deep down it was how I was raised.

I guess I am very conflicted with it. I know it brings her pleasure and she enjoys it, but I struggle with the thought of hurting the woman I care about most in this world. I am not willing to let her "have a mentor" or whatever, and I am not comfortable sharing intimate details about our relationship, however finding some information, possibly a guide would be nice. I want to keep her happy and fulfill her needs. I am just struggling with it at the same time.

Thank you in advance for understanding and helpful advice.

What is your wife's screen name here? Maybe she can chime in!

  • Like 1
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So a few times we have done this as part of our intimate times.... I honestly have to admit it is kind of fun, but I still think about "Am I being to rough." My wife keeps re-assuring me I am not, and I am able to relax a bit... Things are going well. To answer the question of "what is her screen name," she is not on here, I came in here to look for my own knowledge about the topic, people were very helpful with their advice and re-assurances and helped me formulate the ideas I needed to speak openly and honestly with my wife about the topic, as I simply did not understand the reasoning behind it, she calls me the biggest square in the world HA HA.... I posted here under this name, because I really do think of things like this as being personal, but I really had no ideas on how to overcome my own insecurities. The people here were very helpful for with this, and because of that I thank you all :)

I will stay as a member, because it is interesting to me, and the people in chat are generally pretty cool to shoot the breeze with.

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This is a disciplinarian forum, and from what you have posted, that is something, for whatever reason is a need for your wife. I dont understand the concept as well, but as has been said before, work from ground zero (you mentioned you found your initial sessions as fun) and build from there.

But realize,you might simply not be wired as a spanker or disciplinarian in any sense even thru multiple attempts.Not everyone is either an"er" or "ee". If the discipline aspect is difficult perhaps try a role play scenario. If that is successful and helps you to understand and discover that potential within you, all the better. If your wife is simply overwhelmed in her life; perhaps she simply needs to find emotional release.

It takes time but eventually you grow and sync into one; it t was literally the first time I felt totally safe and let him take the wheel.. And it was definitely worth the effort and time to reach that level of total trust and intimicy. that brought him joy as well.

Take your time. Try not to analyze and critque every emotion and question (I am doing this right? Is this I should feel? What if I cant become the type of disciplinarian she desires.................. Its a new dance for you and you should expect a few stumbles and missteps.

Its really not how well you dance; just that your dancing together.

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To answer the question of "what is her screen name," she is not on here, I came in here to look for my own knowledge about the topic, people were very helpful with their advice and re-assurances and helped me formulate the ideas I needed to speak openly and honestly with my wife about the topic, as I simply did not understand the reasoning behind it, she calls me the biggest square in the world HA HA...

Why isn't she on here?.....seems like the natural thing for someone who as you say, has been "into spanking in the past"? Also seems like it would form the basis of some pretty open and honest communication - no?

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Why isn't she on here?.....seems like the natural thing for someone who as you say, has been "into spanking in the past"? Also seems like it would form the basis of some pretty open and honest communication - no?

Like I said was more or less just me looking for advice from people who have been into this lifestyle, as I couldn't wrap my brain around it that's it. Was never meant to be something to formulate anything more. It helped with being able to foster the communication, and thus served the purpose for me even looking at it.

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