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Christy

Power and Control

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I know I post this a lot but this is something I feel very strongly about.  I am a firm believer in safety first.  Several people have suggested this to be pin but administration  has not done so.  Until its pin or the need for safety disappears I will continue to post this repeatedly.  

  I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them. Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session. As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn. Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc. I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to. The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

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I've had a number of friends in the spanking scene over the years, including quite a few from China (I speak Chinese, which helps things).  I know that this is a big problem in spanking scenes everywhere.  I've had a few friends drop completely out of the spanking scene due to abusive partners.

It's really a shame, particularly because it is something that can be prevented.  I think most spankees find that their desire for punishment puts them in a really precarious position - and it can be hard to distinguish between when you want things to keep going and when you really need to say "no."

Christy is absolutely right.  I've always felt that the recipient of the spanking is the person who really is in control of the process.  If you are not in control - that is, if your partner is not listening to your safe word, or if your session is going on longer than anticipated, or if your partner is doing things that you have not agreed on - you really need to stop and get away.

Communication is the key.  Don't run off and have a spanking session with somebody you haven't really talked with first.  Pay attention when you talk as well - watch out for any red flags that indicate that the other person may not put your interests first.  And, above all, I recommend slowing things down in the beginning.  Don't pull your pants down and put yourself in a prone position the first time you meet them!

Spanking is a wonderful thing.  Don't let some jerk turn it into a horrible experience.

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I know I post this a lot but this is something I feel very strongly about.  I am a firm believer in safety first.  Several people have suggested this to be pin but administration  has not done so.  Until its pin or the need for safety disappears I will continue to post this repeatedly.  

  I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them. Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session. As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn. Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc. I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to. The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

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I know I post this a lot but this is something I feel very strongly about.  I am a firm believer in safety first.  Several people have suggested this to be pin but administration  has not done so.  Until its pin or the need for safety disappears I will continue to post this repeatedly.  

  I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them. Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session. As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn. Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc. I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to. The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

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Thank you to the ones who created this category.   Its a great idea and helpful.

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BUMP!!  While it doesn't guarantee anyone will read this with it being at the top, I really think it should have been pinned by now.

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On ‎8‎/‎20‎/‎2018 at 9:10 AM, Poison's said:

BUMP!!  While it doesn't guarantee anyone will read this with it being at the top, I really think it should have been pinned by now.

 

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Thank you Poison.  

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This post has been viewed more times than the rules of the site.  That's a good thing but pitiful at the same time.

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Bumping.  Safety is my biggest concern for folks.   So I will continue to bump this on occasion.

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Bumping. Safety is my biggest concern for folks. So I will continue to bump this on occasion.

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Thanks for bumping this post. I recently posted about an experience I went through many many years ago now. I wish I really grasped this concept of power and control back then. Perhaps it would have saved me from much struggle. 

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Bumping. Safety is my biggest concern for folks. So I will continue to bump this on occasion.

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Bumping. Safety is my biggest concern for folks. So I will continue to bump this on occasion.

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Thank you so much for posting this! As an ER, I have come into contact with a lot of 'ees. Only a handful of them, I find, are on the same page with me about building relationships. 

So many are searching for a 'spanking arm' and forget that there is a person attached to it. I can only imagine the onslaught of public criticism I would recieve if I as an ER were to approach an 'ee and begin talking about how I want to spank them on their bare bottom, especially in great detail! So why is it acceptable for an 'ee to approach anyone and, within the first message, immediately tell them that they need lots of spankings or refuse to tell me anything about themselves other than that they need lots of spankings? 

I enthusiastically discourage messages that are spanking-centered, especially in the beginning of a relationship. (We're talking 'hi, I'm So-and-so and I need a spanking. How would you do it?' right out of the gate.) Yes, there is a time and a place for such things but first we need to get a feel for each others' personalities and I need to know what the struggles are to discern if I am able to actually be of benefit for the person. 

I have literally had instances where I have tried to ask general questions about life other than spanking and been shut down. Just yesterday I left a message with someone (who I had known the last time I was here so it was perfectly reasonable to want to "catch up") saying that I had something going on in real life and the return message completely ignored that (and my notice that we needed to put talks on hold because of it) in favor of asking about directed-self spanking. I have told said person that they needed to find someone else.

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12 minutes ago, Sadie said:

So many are searching for a 'spanking arm' and forget that there is a person attached to it.

I think this is so important and I admit I'm kind of baffled when people don't see it. For me spanking is such an intimate thing that I can't imagine it without a deep relationship. I enter a completely different 'space' and am completely trusting someone who in turn is focusing on their feelings of being in control and giving something intimate to me. But I guess people are different and for some it's more of a causal thing...maybe more sensations and milder feelings.

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Bump

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On 10/9/2017 at 3:37 PM, Christy said:

I know I post this a lot but this is something I feel very strongly about.  I am a firm believer in safety first.  Several people have suggested this to be pin but administration  has not done so.  Until its pin or the need for safety disappears I will continue to post this repeatedly.  

  I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them. Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session. As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn. Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc. I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to. The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

Thanks to Christy, because I had missed the obvious that the spanking situation is very different now than when I was in BDSM 20 years ago or so. Then, there were several built in safeties. We only met at parties so there were a lot of people (witnesses) and damn near everyone, at least in that environment, demanded that everything be consensual. Meeting alone with somebody you don’t know and making yourself vulnerable, especially for women, could be very dangerous.

On 4/29/2019 at 10:31 PM, Sadie said:

Thank you so much for posting this! As an ER, I have come into contact with a lot of 'ees. Only a handful of them, I find, are on the same page with me about building relationships. 

So many are searching for a 'spanking arm' and forget that there is a person attached to it. I can only imagine the onslaught of public criticism I would recieve if I as an ER were to approach an 'ee and begin talking about how I want to spank them on their bare bottom, especially in great detail! So why is it acceptable for an 'ee to approach anyone and, within the first message, immediately tell them that they need lots of spankings or refuse to tell me anything about themselves other than that they need lots of spankings?  

I enthusiastically discourage messages that are spanking-centered, especially in the beginning of a relationship. (We're talking 'hi, I'm So-and-so and I need a spanking. How would you do it?' right out of the gate.) Yes, there is a time and a place for such things but first we need to get a feel for each others' personalities and I need to know what the struggles are to discern if I am able to actually be of benefit for the person. 

I have literally had instances where I have tried to ask general questions about life other than spanking and been shut down. Just yesterday I left a message with someone (who I had known the last time I was here so it was perfectly reasonable to want to "catch up") saying that I had something going on in real life and the return message completely ignored that (and my notice that we needed to put talks on hold because of it) in favor of asking about directed-self spanking. I have told said person that they needed to find someone else. 

Thanks to Sadie for providing this perspective. I am switch though I greatly prefer bottom. So I can get a glimpse of the Top's perspective. But as a bottom I believe that the ER is way too frequently overlooked. I want the experience to be as good for the ER as for me (better if possible) because if we both enjoy ourselves we can develop a durable relationship. If my ER wants to know something I would really want them to have it so that they would be more comfortable.

Thanks to you both!

Ed

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On 1/28/2014 at 11:18 PM, DarkSteven said:

This is why I stress meeting within the community.

I attend spanking parties. Any woman who might be interested in bottoming to me, gets to see me in action. If she asks around, she can speak to numerous people who have either played with me or else seen me play.

If you meet someone off the Internet, you're hoping they are as they described. When you meet someone at a party or through others in the scene, you've got lots of extra safety.

I think that this is the best solution for exactly the reasons that DarkSteven states. Problem is how to meet within the community.

If anyone knows how to find community events or any other get togethers would you please communicate how to find those for the safety of newcomers?

On 1/31/2014 at 9:50 AM, Christy said:

I strongly recommend always meeting in a public place before going any further. By meeting in a public place it gives you both a chance to chat and get a feel for each other. If either of you is uncomfortable you can simply leave and there is no harm done.

I think that this is really the only practical alternative to the above post. However the one above, I believe, is by far the better choice. The reason is that actually watching a scene shows you exactly how the ER/EE interact and really nothing can replace that. Also people can mask their true self during a meeting, even one that is hours long. That said it does provide an opportunity for intuition but you need to pay attention to that.

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