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Christy

Power and Control

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I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

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Christy, I admire how important this topic is to you and thank you for continuing to bump it because I agree many newbies NEED to see this topic. And it definitely should be pinned.

I think my experiences might be different than many others, most of the posts on this thread focus on how to physically stay safe and/or how the relationship can change your ability to say no. For me it was a relationship before I entered the spanking world that took away my ability to say no, something I had to learn over time to take back. I grew up in an extremely emotionally and verbally abusive household, and if I were to be perfectly honest, I didn't realize this until recently and am still in the process of taking back my right to say no. For me I was taught from a very young age that you do NOT have the right to have a differing opinion from the person in charge, regardless of whether it is wrong/damaging/hurtful/etc... I was taught that if you choose to assert an opinion or an action different than that you've been told to, that makes you wrong, less than human, unloveable, dare I say it, worthy of death. This is what I was taught. It's easy to say that when you enter the world of spanking the ee has the ultimate control, but for me there was definitely a level of mental healing that SHOULD have taken place before I chose to partake. Unfortunately, at the time I still had no idea that I had the right to say no, regardless of how many times someone told me I do.

Because of my experiences growing up, I too am like many ee's who had a horrible first experience. Right out of the gates at 18 years old I met a married woman who, just like my mother, was extremely emotionally manipulative. She talked me into agreeing to things that I had stated quite bluntly in the very beginning that I didn't want.

These experiences have taught me how mental abuse can interact with the ee in the spanking world, and as much pain as I've gone through it was worth it just so that I can be a voice for this unfortunate problem. Although this can be rare, there are many people who are not going to understand they have the right to say no, no matter how many times they've been told. It's not a conscious decision, it's not logical, it's an innate quality that has been taught to them to go along with the abuse. There is a lot of good advice on this thread already that can help someone who is in this position, whether they know it or not. Choosing to wait for someone that you trust wholeheartedly is the best solution. Of course for someone like myself, the truly best solution is to address the abuse in counseling BEFORE continuing, or sharing with the counselor the relationships being formed. It takes a lot of time, help, and energy to finally take back that right to say no. I'm horribly ashamed to say I'm watching that same right being taken away from my little sister as she grows up in the same environment I did.

As many have already offered on here, I too would like to offer to anyone who relates to what I've said to message me. I feel I have a unique voice in this discussion that not all will understand, but for the some, I'm here to help.

And again, thank you Christy for continuing to bump this thread, I agree it's important to educate ee's that THEY ultimately have the right to say no. We just have to learn the different methods of teaching that will work with each individual.

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Thank you Amanda. I'm sorry you were not treated right. Yes you are correct that different methods of teaching are important also.

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I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

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I know I post this a lot but this is something I feel very strongly about.  I am a firm believer in safety first.  Several people have suggested this to be pin but administration  has not done so.  Until its pin or the need for safety disappears I will continue to post this repeatedly.

 

 

I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

 

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When one cannot be respectful to another's threshold.  That person should be stopped and removed from the situation.

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I am curious.... I wonder what level of responsibility a dominant would feel towards someone they know has been severely abused to the point they are conditioned to don't say no or stop to someone with authority over them? 

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22 hours ago, Talschristian said:

I am curious.... I wonder what level of responsibility a dominant would feel towards someone they know has been severely abused to the point they are conditioned to don't say no or stop to someone with authority over them? 

It's simply an extra step.  Spank her and then order her to say her safe word.  Or in pre-scene negotiation, make her say it before anything happens.  Make her comfortable with it.

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I know I post this a lot but this is something I feel very strongly about.  I am a firm believer in safety first.  Several people have suggested this to be pin but administration  has not done so.  Until its pin or the need for safety disappears I will continue to post this repeatedly.

 

 

I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

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Discipline is the bridge between goals and achievements. Discipline is just choosing between what you want now, and what you want most. If you choose, spanking, that's all right. But you should make a wise choice. It's the EE who should have the control of spanking, the ER should only have the power to do it. Safety is a cheap and effective insurance policy, never let it go away

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Are the spankees maybe over fantasizing about how "fun" a spankings going to be and then when they find out that it does hurt (punishment) they maybe feel like it's abuse rather than sexual? I'm not judging just curious.

 

I'm sure there are some people here that are into very playful scenarios with cheap novelty implemends from their local adult store, that maybe would NOT be fit to see a "disciplinarian" because their ideas of spanking are very different. 

 

 

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My opinion is, if I'm being punished the tears and apologies are helpful in corrective action and I'd want it to stop, but understand why she is doing this and likely will keep going.

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On 1/30/2017 at 7:12 PM, Talschristian said:

I am curious.... I wonder what level of responsibility a dominant would feel towards someone they know has been severely abused to the point they are conditioned to don't say no or stop to someone with authority over them? 

I wouldn't spank someone who was traumatized or conditioned to the point where they were not able to communicate their needs, especially where physical and emotional safety is concerned. I don't think it's ethical to spank someone who is unable to give or withdraw consent for whatever reason (trauma, mental illness, intoxication, etc). 

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7 hours ago, katekk said:

I wouldn't spank someone who was traumatized or conditioned to the point where they were not able to communicate their needs, especially where physical and emotional safety is concerned. I don't think it's ethical to spank someone who is unable to give or withdraw consent for whatever reason (trauma, mental illness, intoxication, etc). 

I agree.

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13 hours ago, katekk said:

I wouldn't spank someone who was traumatized or conditioned to the point where they were not able to communicate their needs, especially where physical and emotional safety is concerned. I don't think it's ethical to spank someone who is unable to give or withdraw consent for whatever reason (trauma, mental illness, intoxication, etc). 

Nor would it be legal in those states where consent is a defense to an assault charge if they lack the capacity to give consent. 

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10 hours ago, gravano said:

Nor would it be legal in those states where consent is a defense to an assault charge if they lack the capacity to give consent. 

I guess I was not aware there was any states that allowed that as a defense at all. But times change. And I am certainly not involved in the ever changing law.

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23 hours ago, katekk said:

I wouldn't spank someone who was traumatized or conditioned to the point where they were not able to communicate their needs, especially where physical and emotional safety is concerned. I don't think it's ethical to spank someone who is unable to give or withdraw consent for whatever reason (trauma, mental illness, intoxication, etc). 

I agree and don't agree. My first mentor demanded that I go to counseling and stay in counseling. I was abused to the point of no was never allowed. I learned to say no and am a different person now. 

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One MUST learn to say no when the situation arises. Sometimes, a NO can do miracles that a unsatisfactory yes cannot

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4 hours ago, Talschristian said:

I guess I was not aware there was any states that allowed that as a defense at all. But times change. And I am certainly not involved in the ever changing law.

I posted a list a few months ago of the different states approaches to assault and whether consent may be argued as an affirmative defense.  If you go through my posts, it may be in there. It's not a change in the law.  It just reflects the national variations in state law. I think as time goes on more of them eliminate consent as a defense. 

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