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Christy

Power and Control

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Newbie or not - you are always in charge...

...even though control is the main thing we seek to give up

About the closest we can come is to take charge of establishing how much control we are willing and able to yield. But make no mistake, ulitmately you are the one who dictates that...ESPECIALLY in a new relationship.

Ben

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katek I am glad you found this post to be helpful. I like to address a couple things you said.

"I'm really struggling right now with whether to move forward with someone even though there are a few red flags. This person has a very good reputation, and I don't have enough experience to know if my concerns are valid or if I'm just being paranoid".

One thing you need to do is trust your gut. If you are feeling any red flags then listen to them. Discuss your concerns with said person and go from there. All concerns are valid and should be taken seriously.

"Just as one small example, lets say that a disciplinarian advertises that they don't use safe words, but as a newbie, I'm uncomfortable with that. What do I do? Try to negotiate (even though they've been clear) and risk annoying them?"

Explain to the ER you prefer a safe word especially for the first time and most will work with you on that. It shouldn't annoy them.

Never be afraid to ask questions and to state what your comfortable with.

As Ben said "About the closest we can come is to take charge of establishing how much control we are willing and able to yield. But make no mistake, ultimately you are the one who dictates that...ESPECIALLY in a new relationship".

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Christie:

Err on the side of caution. As between making a mistake by going forward and making a mistake by not, it is obvious that the risks of the first are much greater than the second. If nothing happens this time (or even ever), so be it. In any event, if you cannot discuss all your concerns openly with the proposed 'er and get satisfactory answers, move on. S/he is not the right person for you at this point. And on the safe words issue in particular, my own view is that you should make that a dealbreaker at this stage. Hope this helps.

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First of all, I can't believe I missed this until now! I will definitely be referring new 'ees to this thread as I meet them around the site.

Second, Christy is my 'er and I adore her, and she is indeed as concerned for her 'ee's as she indicates. She got a look at me after I'd had an abusive session with someone I didn't really know, and she helped explain how this was not normal and not what I should expect. I wasn't exactly a new n00b at the time, but like a lot of 'ees, I felt so desperate that I'd ignored red flags. Don't do that, fellow 'ees. It's not a good idea.

I'd also just like to say that while it is true 'ee's need to look out for themselves and set limits on what is and is not okay with them, if you end up getting mistreated, the mistreatment is not ultimately your fault. You don't have to feel guilty about it. The abuser owns their behavior, just as you own yours.

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Thank you for sharing your experience Millie. I appreciate your kind words also.

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I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

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I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

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Hi, I'm a new member here, but wanted to state what an excellent amount of advice is gathered here. I want to share my experience in the power exchange between myself and my long time partner. We started out very cautiously, mainly because I was too shy/embarrassed to admit my interest in TTWD, though he had picked up on it quickly. I was amazed that he was able to figure my interest out so easily as I had never shared it with anyone, even my ex-husband of 10 years. My partner/lover/spanker/best friend was able to bring me out of my shell, allow me to be a confident, strong, woman and make me feel beautiful always. We had many wonderful experiences, but also several poor experiences as our relationship continued and grew. The most positive thing was that we were able to discuss our experiences, and adjust our spanking/discipline relationship accordingly so that even the negative experiences became positive due to our ability to use them for what they were, experience. If both parties cannot have that type of clear communication between them, then I don't believe the relationship is positive. The most important thing is to always talk to each other and be honest, the spankee can't have a truly satisfying experience if they leave the spanker in the dark about their needs, and the spanker needs the feedback to ensure that it is a positive experience, even if by learning what not to do. That being said, if the spanker isn't interested in the spankee's thoughts and feelings, then the relationship is just abusive, and the spankee should seek elsewhere. Better to not be spanked at all than treated so poorly. Wishing positive experiences for all, and sorry to ramble on so long.

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Hello Everyone. I may be one of the newest on this site and will admit I have very little experience. I've spanked only two girls in my life. Still I have feelings. ideas, desires I'd like to be able to share and am open to hearing the thoughts of others.

I my own opinion spanking is a very intimate activity and I think, for most of us, a secret one. What I mean is let's say you're a young woman and out on your own. Would you worry if your parents knew you were having a sexual affair? Probably not. But would you want them to know you were being spanked? I don't think so. I'd feel uncomfortable if my mother knew the sort of spanking scene I've been involved in. Part of me struggles with the idea myself.

That being said I believe spanking is all about a Power Exchange. I believe the spankee desires to give up her control (Pretends to give up Control) willingly. I think she wants to experience the simulated expression of anger or annoyance or disappointment on the part of her Spanker. I think I can understand what's in the mind of the spankee. I think I can understand the excitement, nervousness, even fear that she feels and it is that feeling that makes the activity of spanking so much naughty fun. I think for many if no most of us the Role Playing is what makes the scene.

I firmly believe any young woman going to meet a man for any sort of kinky, forbidden activity absolutely must know who she is meeting. But within that knowledge I would hope there is still a great degree of mystery.

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Hello Everyone. I may be one of the newest on this site and will admit I have very little experience. I've spanked only two girls in my life. Still I have feelings. ideas, desires I'd like to be able to share and am open to hearing the thoughts of others.

I my own opinion spanking is a very intimate activity and I think, for most of us, a secret one. What I mean is let's say you're a young woman and out on your own. Would you worry if your parents knew you were having a sexual affair? Probably not. But would you want them to know you were being spanked? I don't think so. I'd feel uncomfortable if my mother knew the sort of spanking scene I've been involved in. Part of me struggles with the idea myself.

That being said I believe spanking is all about a Power Exchange. I believe the spankee desires to give up her control (Pretends to give up Control) willingly. I think she wants to experience the simulated expression of anger or annoyance or disappointment on the part of her Spanker. I think I can understand what's in the mind of the spankee. I think I can understand the excitement, nervousness, even fear that she feels and it is that feeling that makes the activity of spanking so much naughty fun. I think for many if no most of us the Role Playing is what makes the scene.

I firmly believe any young woman going to meet a man for any sort of kinky, forbidden activity absolutely must know who she is meeting. But within that knowledge I would hope there is still a great degree of mystery.

You could get rid of many of those "I think I can understands" by actually submitting across a few laps....

It does take a high degree of both courage and confidence to do, but it yields a much deeper understanding of "Power Exchange".

Just sayin'

;)

Ben

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Having had a mentor that went WAY overboard with the whole Dom Power trip, i completely agree with the comments here. I broke up with him immediately after I was spanked and he completely ignored my safe word even tho I was literally SCREAMING it!! I was PO'd beyond belief. He broke my trust, dismissed my feelings as irreverent, and humiliated me to the extreme. My heart was just ripped out. He had all his excuses and still tried to say crap like it was "for my own good". Never once admitting that he was wrong, and hurtful, and just plain MEAN.

That made finding that special someone even harder for me. More vetting became a requirement. As if it wasn't already hard enough. So if your a mentor/Top -- please please be careful and respect your EE's wishes. Being righteous isnt an excuse for abuse.

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Meeting in public is hugely important. As well as having and being willing to use safe words. Also having the first spanking take place in a motel/hotel can be great because its a place you can walk away from if need be without the other person knowing where you live. This goes for Spankers as well as spankees. Sometimes spankers end up making contact (or the other way around) with a crazy ee.

Find friends you can trust to talk about the spanking to, and let them know where you are and what you are doing. Safe calls are so important, I can't stress that enough.

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You say we newbies should focus on building relationships with more experienced people on the forum. How can you tell? I myself have reached out to a couple that I've noticed post alot, seem knowledgeable etc and am still waiting to hear back on some general advice I asked. The question is, how can we tell who is "safe"and legitimate, meaning has the bottom's best interest in mind, and can keep confidentiality? How do you know who can be trusted to not venture into creeper territory? All of these concerns is one reason I've held off posting so long...

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I've sent you a pm, but yours is a great question and one that every newbie should ask.

Trying to discern legitimacy online is extremely difficult, but there are few things that you can do to hedge your bets. You really have to play detective a bit. First, as you have started to do, you can begin to read through posts and replies. You're looking for consistency and things that seem to resonate with you. When you begin to feel like you can relate to someone, you can use the search feature to look over their content - both posts and replies.

Like anywhere, you'll discover there are some cliche's, some alliances, some grudges, etc - but that's no big deal and pretty much the same as if you started a new job somewhere - same thing happens in the workplace.

A while back, when the issue of legitimacy was very hot, I started a thread designed as another tool for people to use. It's incomplete, not perfect, has loophole, etc...but it provides one more set of clues for anyone considering getting "real" as in meeting in person, exposing themselves etc.

http://www.spankingneeds.com/board/index.php?showtopic=12353&hl=%22six+degrees%22

Check it out - feel free to pm and keep reading!

^_^

Ben

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You say we newbies should focus on building relationships with more experienced people on the forum. How can you tell? I myself have reached out to a couple that I've noticed post alot, seem knowledgeable etc and am still waiting to hear back on some general advice I asked. The question is, how can we tell who is "safe"and legitimate, meaning has the bottom's best interest in mind, and can keep confidentiality? How do you know who can be trusted to not venture into creeper territory? All of these concerns is one reason I've held off posting so long...

Look for red flags, that is the best advice I can give new people. If something doesn't feel right ask questions. Make friends and don't be afraid to ask them about a possible mentor/ee that you are considering. Be slow, and be careful.

Trust your gut most of all, sometimes we know things without being able to really know why.

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I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

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Thanks for the bump Christy; always a good reminder for everyone, not just newbies.

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Gentle Bump

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Bumpty Bump Bump

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Nice to see all the tributes to your genuine safe love of THWD.

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