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Christy

Power and Control

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Thank you for the kind words Rachel and too cheeky.

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Christy,

This is indeed an excellent topic for both the inexperienced and experienced as well. I have read it thru in it's entirety many times.

Members of this community have taken much time to share some excellent input/advice. I would think that much of this input/advice has come from "personal experience" and of course "lessons learned".

As pointed out in your post and the many responses, when one relinquishes his/her control, someone else picks-up and assumes much/most of the responsibility for caring for this control until it is successfully/responsibly returned to the person from which is was taken.

There is another potential problem that I don't think was touched on in the responses to your post. Very often in a Domme/sub relationship/experience or Mentor/mentee relationship/experience as the case may be, the mentee/sub fails to resume/accept responsibility for his/her self long after the session is over. He/she has in many ways become dependent on the Mentor/mentee relationship in making decisions in his/her life.

One of my male friends enjoyed a long time Mentor/mentee relationship. When his Mentor relocated to another state and he couldn't replace her he became very depressed. I spanked him many times but no amount of spanking could replace his relationship with his mentor.

It was to gain a better understanding of this Mentor/mentee relationship/experience that I started frequenting the S/N website/community almost three years ago.

My time here today has run out. I hope that I haven't undermined the main topic/idea of your post. Reading this post and the many responses reminded me of the many responsibilities that can potentially come with championing a Domme/sun or Mentor/mentee relationship/experience.

Take care,

Mistress Marie

I am "Lifestyle". I am "Domme".

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Mistress Marie I agree there is a possibility of becoming to dependent on a Mentor/Dom. I feel though that should be address between the Mentor/Mentee.

I wrote this post because of the frequent horror stories I was/am getting from both new and long time EE"s. When the Ee is in a session they are told they have no say in the discipline and often are told they must accept what turns into abuse. In some cases they are told sex is part of it in one shape or another. Guilt and power are used to get these EE's to do things they never would do in their every day life.

I wanted to let the EE's know that they ultimately have the Power.

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Mistress Marie-

I hope you have not decided to leave the site; the community is already too shallow in terms of the feminine-top point of view, much less the Louisiana feminine -top point of view!


It would be disappointing to have someone from the community so close in proximity, and miss the chance to meet in person; MissBam (my :wub: ) is visiting this area and staying with me for the next few months until we head west. I am certain that she would enjoy coffee and chat with a kindred spirit!


If you are comfortable with doing so, please feel free to message her or I with some way of contacting you outside the forum should you decide to leave, but I hope you will stay, even if (as others often do) you take a low profile for some time.


Peace

Ben



OOPS! Just reread the post and saw "time here TODAY has run out" and realized that you meant out of time for just that day!


MissBam and I would love to grab coffee sometime - your message box is full so please get in touch with one of us if you're so inclined

Edited by DunBenSpanked
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Great job informing everyone!

I am fairly new, but as I am older I have worldly experience and know to ensure that there is a safety word and that my spanker will honour that.

I always do a face to face meeting in a public place first so we can spend some time to talk and get to know each other beforehand, so we can both decided if this will work.

I always make it clear that I will want to use a safety word when I need them to stop.

I like relinquishing SOME power to the spanker, but ultimately it is my control and my decision.

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Thank you auntjenny37 for you kind words. I'm glad you use safe words and do the public meeting. Those are an important step in being safe. Also knowing that you ultimately have the power is a big part of being safe.

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One that I haven't seen mentioned is having a "Safe call" WHILE your are meeting in a PUBLIC place! Have someone know where, when, and WHO you are meeting...They don't have to know the WHY. Call them when you get there. Have them call WHILE your there. And Call them when you leave. It never hurts to be extra careful! One thing that I was told to do also was....

During the call WHILE your meeting the person, have an agreed upon word before hand with your safe call. Have your safe call ask a question using your agreed upon word. Make sure you use that word if everything is fine, but failure to use the word means your in trouble and your safe call should get help!

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Guest buttbustin

One that I haven't seen mentioned is having a "Safe call" WHILE your are meeting in a PUBLIC place! Have someone know where, when, and WHO you are meeting...They don't have to know the WHY. Call them when you get there. Have them call WHILE your there. And Call them when you leave. It never hurts to be extra careful! One thing that I was told to do also was....

During the call WHILE your meeting the person, have an agreed upon word before hand with your safe call. Have your safe call ask a question using your agreed upon word. Make sure you use that word if everything is fine, but failure to use the word means your in trouble and your safe call should get help!

Very good advice for newbies. Thanks for sharing.

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Bump

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This is a great discussion.

Thanks to troublebrewingtx for bring up the idea of a safe call. It's a very good idea.

One thing that I've found is that some spankees either don't want to or are too shy to discuss their limits with their spankers. This obviously relates to giving up too much power. I've read things on here written by spankees that worried me a little. For instance, writing that they were glad that a spanker didn't make them adopt a certain position or take off a certain piece of clothing. To me, a spankee shouldn't be worrying about that sort of thing during a spanking. Those things need to be discussed before hand.

Perhaps there is a temptation for spankees to want to give up control to somebody, without explaining what they want, and somehow, without anybody saying anything, instinctively, the spanker is on the same wavelength in every aspect of the scene. Don't get me wrong, I can see how that's a very romantic fantasy, but its dangerous to try to recreate that in real life with somebody who doesn't know you really, really well. I can also see how the reverse dynamic is also possible.

In my experience, as a spanker, you have to be extremely careful in these situations and try to get your spankee to talk more about their limits and needs. I'm better at that conversation than I used to be, it's easy to come off as a bit pervy if you're not careful.

I don't know what the spankees or other spankers think about this but I would think that as a spankee, if the person you're talking to doesn't want to know as much as possible about your limits and needs, that's a red flag.

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This is a great discussion.

....

I don't know what the spankees or other spankers think about this but I would think that as a spankee, if the person you're talking to doesn't want to know as much as possible about your limits and needs, that's a red flag.

Great reply...

I think you hit the bullseye with this is regards to why some 'ees don't want to talk about limits, details, etc. There is the fantasy version of a spanking, and then there is the real-life realities of a spanking.

Fantasy:

The spanker assumes total and absolute control and is free to exert that authority in anyway they deem appropriate by virtue of their experience, intuition and instinct.

Reality:

The spanker is granted as much control and authority as the spankee is willing to lend them temporarily, and is free to express that authority within the boundaries and limitations expressed by the spankee.

I think the longer and deeper the relationship is between 'ee and 'er, the closer and closer Reality moves in the direction of Fantasy. But it takes time, communication, effort and experience together.

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I think the longer and deeper the relationship is between 'ee and 'er, the closer and closer Reality moves in the direction of Fantasy. But it takes time, communication, effort and experience together.

My relationship was with my spouse; I trusted him in TTWD completely. I still dont know exactly why, but I do know it brought us to an emotional depth we would never have found otherwise. I know for me, it was literally the first time I could bare those dark secrets inside and know he would never turn away in disgust ; I dont think I ever let down my guard like that so completely before.

I was always extremely self conscious about my body; but he loved it for some reason and because of that I learned how to love what I was born with. When I joined a gym and spent 8 hours a week with spinning, kickboxing, zumba or iron pump and weight training, I loved that sense of inner power and accomplishment.

The emotional affect was by far the most important element. I had no idea that such complete trust could create such intimacy or the wonder of becoming totally vulnerable; its dangerous to let your guard down but when we danced the dance, the only world that would exist in those cherished moments was ours, and ours alone.

"Well I lost my innocence when in I let him dive

But the way that he looked at me

Made me feel alive

And now I know

Nothin' at all

But the release that comes when you're

In mid fall..."

As it Seems Lily Kershaw

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Thanks for bump Christy.

For those who have 'come out', what was the reaction of friends,family, etc?

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I have not come out to any family. Friends or co workers....but I was in an accident 6weeks ago and am getting therapeutic massage. ( not to be confused with getting a massage!!) because of the welts snd bruises, I had to be honest with her. She was fascinated without being judgemental. I am still seeing her weekly, she might joke a little about new marks on my butt, but never says anything else!!

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Reposting this to get it back on track. Also wanted say Thank you to a sweet friend for all his help on this. Hugs dear friend.

I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

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I am an EE of Christy, she is 100% the way she has stated in this thread. The EE has to feel comfortable with the ER and know they have the power to stop the session. There has been a lot of good info. put out in this thread.

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Wanted say Thank you to a sweet friend for all his help on this. Hugs dear friend.

I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

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I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

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I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

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Thank you, Christy, for posting this, and thanks to all the experienced folks who have left comments. I am brand new to all of this and have been doing a lot of reading, and I have found the info in this thread to be among the most useful. I am no spring chicken and am far from naive, but I agree that the power exchange involved in these relationships can be problematic and can lead people to make decisions they would not otherwise make. When you've been thinking about your needs in this regard basically all of your adult life and have finally decided to actively explore them, but you're having trouble finding an appropriate 'Er to help you, it's difficult to negotiate boundaries when said boundaries on the part of the 'ee might mean a VERY long wait to find the right person.

I'm really struggling right now with whether to move forward with someone even though there are a few red flags. This person has a very good reputation, and I don't have enough experience to know if my concerns are valid or if I'm just being paranoid. I keep reading that you have to "trust" your disciplinarian -- but that's a real leap of faith when you're just meeting someone for the first time AND also getting spanked for the first time. I have so many questions about boundaries, but I get the impression that there's a whole secret code of etiquette involved here that would be easy to breach (in terms of "topping from the bottom," etc), and I certainly don't want to start off a relationship with a disciplinarian by unintentionally p*ssing them off (yikes!).

I think part of the problem for me is that I'm not at all "submissive" in other areas of my life, so even just learning how to be submissive in this context is a new skill for me.

Just as one small example, lets say that a disciplinarian advertises that they don't use safe words, but as a newbie, I'm uncomfortable with that. What do I do? Try to negotiate (even though they've been clear) and risk annoying them? Rely on this person's reputation and "trust" that they have some kind of spanky instinct that will inform them what my limits are? Walk away and hope to find another oasis in the desert?

I don't even know if I'm making sense at this point, so I'll just stop here. But thanks again for posting this -- it's especially valuable coming from an 'Er with your experience and reputation.

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