Power and Control

[Chawsee]

On 9/22/2020 at 11:42 AM, Christy said:

• Report p

 

I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

This is fantastic, Christy. Thank you for bumping it back into posts, as needed. It's one of the best treaties ever written here and should be read by everyone, spankers and spankees alike.

[Christy]

Just bumping for safety purposes.

[HerrBlacktooth]

After my decades in the BDSM and spanking scenes I would have to say that there is always seemingly this one direction of advice ... Submissive be careful, submissive you are in control and so forth. Well, I concur entirely with the sentiment. The submissive of any and all genders,  be they new or experienced must be careful of whom they interact with, where they interact and how they interact.

However this is the same message that dominant parties should also heed .... Whilst people of any persuasion all hope to have smooth, happy interactions with well balanced people; that is not always the case.

The internet has enabled a slew of people who would never have been a part of the BDSM or spanking scenes pre 1995 ... Then it was entirely real life. Now we have these forums, sites etc, which are awash with people who have no experience of BDSM or spanking but also it appears damned little experience of life in general.

Many, many people like to give the false impression they are far more experienced, worldly wise and indeed 'wild' than in fact they are. They also like to omit their marital status and many other points which would be of interest.

Therefore, be you of any gender. Be you dominant, submissive, switch or undecided .... Do be very careful of what you do. The submissive does not want to be abused, whilst the dominant does not want to put themselves in a position where their own legal safety can be put into jeopardy.  Try not to let the excitement of the situation, remove any common sense that one might possess. It is also worth remembering that in fact; Sense is not common.,

 

 

[SpudStateSpanky]

On 1/25/2014 at 12:58 PM, Christy said:

Wanted say Thank you to a sweet friend, DunBenSpanked for all his help on this. Hugs dear friend.

I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

Really well said!

[justbecause]

On 4/7/2020 at 12:20 PM, Christy said:

I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

Christy, I just tried to message you, but it says you can't receive messages. I just wanted to respond to this but would rather it not be public.

[Christy]

On 2/13/2021 at 9:28 AM, justbecause said:

Christy, I just tried to message you, but it says you can't receive messages. I just wanted to respond to this but would rather it not be public.

Thank you for letting me know. I have made room now. 

[Christy]

I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

[Geoffreaux]

Wow! Well said. I have never thought that deeply about it.

[Christy]

Bumping.  Safety first folks

[Summer]

Thanks so much for this thread. As someone with absolutely no experience, I found this to be very helpful. So much I had not even considered. 
 

Part of why I had not even thought about some of it is because my HOH and I are long-distance at this point and got to know each other as friends first. Then as a relationship. And then our mutual interest in spanking became clear. So I already trust my ER from long-term conversations about all kinds of topics unrelated to spanking. 
 

I’m not sure I’d be brave enough to enter the spanking world with someone I don’t have a really strong and trusting relationship with first, so I really feel for the people who are seeking spanking situations where a relationship isn’t already in place. 
 

With that said, as my HOH is also inexperienced, everything I learn from this forum gives us the experience and knowledge from those who’ve been there, done that. Thanks for giving me so much information.

 

Stay safe out there. ?

[Christy]

Bumping

[too cheeky]

Bumping???

[too cheeky]

On 3/10/2021 at 12:03 PM, Christy said:

I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

Christy has been my Er for years.  Even though this post is RIGHT ON and this last sentence: "The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it." is true, one minute into a session I often both regret and feel thankful for what's happening to my bottom.  Trust is critical and most of the =time she stops because the looks of my bottom are almost "TOO WELL DONE."

Point is: know your spanker.  Ask around this site for feedback with private messages.  Find out where your ER posts and read them.  Never met?    Call them and talk on the phone, then, meet them first and talk truth about spanking; and, if all is well,  take your nervous bottom to the session's location and mostly 'enjoy' the experience, especially when it's over.  Message me to chat more if you wish. 

[Christy]

I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

[CaliSpanker53]

@ChristyVery good post and there have been a lot of good comments supporting you. I would like to add just one thing and that is negotiation.  The vetting process is really important and the good thing is a lot about how someone will be is in the words they speak to you and others, however I believe that once all is said and done if you have progressed to meeting, is negotiating the scene, talk about triggers and intention, so much comes out of it. I have even cancelled a prospective date based upon how the negotiations went.  And even if we have agreed to meet and are face to face the negotiations start once more, because things can change, your feelings, desires and intention.

Again great post and I think you've done a lot of people some good by posting.

[Christy]

Bumping. 

[Redbtmboy]

great advice.  thank you very much!

[Spankerson]

bumping to help keep this information up top.

[Christy]

Bumping.  Stay safe everyone.

[JamesJames]

As an er I offer any ee that meets me a ‘free pass’ the first time we meet up. If she doesn’t want to see me again, that’s her choice. Completely up to her and no hard feelings.

This seems obvious but unfortunately a lot of times it isn’t an offer according to women I have met up with. 

[Christy]

’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

[spike]

This incident is related to this topic, so I suppose it's a good place to write it. A ways back when I was more involved in the scene (apologies to those who don't like the term 'scene') I met a bottom who had been looking for a spanking, unsuccessfully. She was in her late 20s and had a handicap. Naturally I was happy to help. She said she had been trying to find a male top her own age, but was not able to make it happen. I was about 20 years older - but she figured it was me, or nothing. (OK - I didn't take too personally, even though I've always looked younger than my age). 

 She had two reasons for wanting a spanking. First, for a number of actions and transgressions she had accumulated over the years (some serious). The other reason (which I imagine most of us spankos have, bottom or top or switch) is that ineffable craving we must be born with.

So we met twice. The first time I held back quite a bit, due to her handicap. She expressed some relief, having expiated some bad karma, but it was not sufficient.

So we met a second time. I took her OTK, bare bottom again, and as I always do, asked her if she remembered her safe word right before starting. She said yes, so this time I opened up fun throttle, first hand-spanking then (without missing a beat) switching to a heavy ruler. 

Finally getting to the point of this post: She began crying and begging in sobs "please stop". Thinking she got more than she thought she could handle, I stopped with concern and asked: "Are you all right...do you want me to stop?" She immediately answered: "NO!" So I continued until her bottom was a flaming sunset.

So to agree with other posters, it is the bottom who has ultimate control. Safe words are a must. In this case I thought she just forgot her safe word. 

And by the way, I offered to meet with her again, but she declined, saying she was determined to meet a guy her own age with whom she could also develop a romantic relationship. 

[Christy]

On 1/5/2021 at 1:36 PM, Christy said:

Just bumping for safety purposes.

Bumping again.

[Chastener]

Christy was right to repost this topic, as it is probably the most central and crucial to the spanking culture.  We must recognize that control is a basic issue in spanking, and depending on how it is used, can be good or ill.  We also must recognize that the instant after the internet started some people began using it for sinister purposes.  I can only stress that women in particular confirm and reconfirm as best they can the character of the men they are going to meet.  Second, again women in particular immediately take themselves out of the picture once anything untoward presents itself to their instincts.  Women can sense a charlatan, women can sense danger, and if they keep that as a watchword they should be all right.