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Christy

Power and Control

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I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

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Bumping.   Safety is very important to me.  Please stay safe.

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On 1/25/2014 at 2:58 PM, Christy said:

Wanted say Thank you to a sweet friend, DunBenSpanked for all his help on this. Hugs dear friend.

I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

Can a Spanking be seen as a Realistic, Sincere, Cathartic Spanking And Not Role-play if I am able to stop the Spanking.

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Some people want a “consensual non-consent” situation where the ee agrees to put themselves under their partner’s total control so long as the relationship lasts.  Even then they have a choice, though—they can leave the relationship.  So pretty much all of us have some way to stop a spanking—or at least exit a spanking relationship.  
 

Does that make our spankings not “real?”  Well ... compared to what?  Compared to your experience when you were 3 and your mom used to whack you, and you couldn’t leave home because without her caretaking you’d literally die?  If that’s the experience you want to re-create (and it is for many people, at least at first), then you are going to be disappointed.  Unless you become profoundly physically and intellectually disabled, you are never going to be that dependent on someone else again.  And even if you did get into a horrible accident where you needed 24 hour care, it would not be ethical or legal for someone to strike you.  Because then you couldn’t consent.

So if your standard of “reality” is powerlessness beyond the possibility of ever revoking consent under any circumstances, then yeah ... all adult spankings are fake.  I mean, I guess you could hold out for T.E. Lawrence’s fantasy of being abducted and held in a foreign prison where you’re lashed and ravished by the Sultan or whoever it was supposed to be.  Some people do want that—T.E. Lawrence, for one.  But that is not going to happen.  It didn’t even happen to Lawrence (even though he tried to claim it did).  
 

So, yeah, just accept some level of adult personal agency will be involved, even though no one ever fantasizes about that.  Except people actually in foreign prisons being lashed and ravished by the Sultan.

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On 5/10/2020 at 9:22 PM, geeky_child said:

Some people want a “consensual non-consent” situation where the ee agrees to put themselves under their partner’s total control so long as the relationship lasts.  Even then they have a choice, though—they can leave the relationship.  So pretty much all of us have some way to stop a spanking—or at least exit a spanking relationship.  
 

Does that make our spankings not “real?”  Well ... compared to what?  Compared to your experience when you were 3 and your mom used to whack you, and you couldn’t leave home because without her caretaking you’d literally die?  If that’s the experience you want to re-create (and it is for many people, at least at first), then you are going to be disappointed.  Unless you become profoundly physically and intellectually disabled, you are never going to be that dependent on someone else again.  And even if you did get into a horrible accident where you needed 24 hour care, it would not be ethical or legal for someone to strike you.  Because then you couldn’t consent. 

So if your standard of “reality” is powerlessness beyond the possibility of ever revoking consent under any circumstances, then yeah ... all adult spankings are fake.  I mean, I guess you could hold out for T.E. Lawrence’s fantasy of being abducted and held in a foreign prison where you’re lashed and ravished by the Sultan or whoever it was supposed to be.  Some people do want that—T.E. Lawrence, for one.  But that is not going to happen.  It didn’t even happen to Lawrence (even though he tried to claim it did).  
 

So, yeah, just accept some level of adult personal agency will be involved, even though no one ever fantasizes about that.  Except people actually in foreign prisons being lashed and ravished by the Sultan.

 

i would like to agree with this and then some.  I feel I have a responsibility as an experienced and mature spanker who's been through lots of therapy about spanking and lots of soul-searching to post the following  to help people who are trying to find their way and accept themselves and their desire to be spanked or spank.

I am disturbed by the arrogance of some people who judge others here as not being "real" spank-o's because they don't want to call somebody master, don't want to age regress, don't want to obey unquestionably, or participate in some other fringe activity, which I'm beginning to see as cultish.  This is not about spanking. Many of these groups use spanking as part of their ritual, but some are just as likely to use something else as punishment, humiliation, punishment or domination.

I have the same spanking background many of you here do:    I was fascinated with spanking and playing spanking games from the age of four on. I've spanked and been spanked by more people than I can remember.  I would never be seriously romantically involved with anyone that was not  into spanking..  But, I think it would be ludicrous, judgmental, and again, "arrogant" for me to judge someone else that just discovered spanking as not being genuine because they don't want to be locked up in a dungeon or something.  A new person could read something like this and be scared off. 

I'm not going to judge a heavy scene player either, but I'm sure as hell not going to say that they are not genuine because they've crossed some line that I have for myself.

This site adds a great deal of value to people that are curious about spanking.  I want to encourage these people to come out and explore their spanking needs.  That is the reason I'm here and the only reason I'm here.  I am not seeking a partner, but if I were, I would probably be wracked with self-doubt.  If I ventured a post and someone  told me that I wasn't a real spank-o, or if I observed that in a post of that nature to someone else, I would possibly repress my feelings, label myself as a deviant, and crawl off. 

Have any of you thought about how much guts it takes to post your first message in a spanking site?  It's been so many years that I did it that it's hard for me to remember, but I do remember I lurked for ever.  Do you remember when you first told someone else about your spanking desires? I will imagine that you were probably rejected. You needed support, and may not have found it.

I want to encourage people, not judge them because they are into something that I, again personally find less than appealing.

I want to be clear that my problem here is judging others if they aren't into a particular kink.  I frankly think that some of this stuff would be better off on FetLife but that is just my opinion.  (Disclosure: I love enemas. I floated the topic and no one wanted to discuss it. Okay, I don't talk about it. I have had conversations on FetLife about it.  I like to be spanked to the point that I am bruised and raw. I don't talk about. I don't need help accepting it and don't want to scare people off.  I've decided it's so fringe that I will just keep quiet about it because I don't think it helps others unless they bring it up.)

If people want to participate in age play, pretend to be infants or children, have hard-core S&M labels, be called HOH, Mistress and so forth, insisting on capital letters, participating in FLR activity, or whatever else they want to do, I have no problem with that.  I am not judging them.   I just skip these posts;  however, where I draw the line is when they post to an existing conversation here or send  a PM and start challenging others as not being genuine spankers because they're not into something that I consider to be something OTHER than SPANKING.    It is their  criticism of others that I have a problem with, not the fact that they have their life structured in this fashion.

My issue with criticism is not limited to the list above.    I have met people who live their lives as if they were medieval knights and their consorts and insist on being called Lord and Lady.   Fine but,  it's not for me and I don't expect them to live like I do.  I also don't want them telling me that I should live like that.

So, if you are thinking about experimenting with spanking, there are lots of people here who will accept you where you are and give you lots of information. Please don't feel like you have to be like anyone else, including me. If you want to age play, fine. Whatever you want, but don't let someone else tell you you're not  genuine because you don't want to do what they are doing, or maybe aren't ready for yet...

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5 hours ago, JonTx said:

I am disturbed by the arrogance of some people who judge others here as not being "real" spank-o's because they don't want to call somebody master, don't want to age regress, don't want to obey unquestionably, or participate in some other fringe activity, which I'm beginning to see as cultish. 

If people want to participate in age play, pretend to be infants or children, have hard-core S&M labels, be called HOH, Mistress and so forth, insisting on capital letters, participating in FLR activity, or whatever else they want to do, I have no problem with that.  I am not judging them... It is their criticism of others that I have a problem with, not the fact that they have their life structured in this fashion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So, if you are thinking about experimenting with spanking, there are lots of people here who will accept you where you are and give you lots of information. Please don't feel like you have to be like anyone else, including me. If you want to age play, fine. Whatever you want, but don't let someone else tell you you're not genuine because you don't want to do what they are doing, or maybe aren't ready for yet...

I concur with what John is saying here. We spanking fetishists are a relatively small minority. The commonality we share with each other should be stronger and more bonding than the differences in our styles. If you think about it, we're all "wired weird." It hurts my heart to see someone condemned because their "weird" is different from another's "weird." John is a serious hard-core spankee. He has posts telling how he likes being paddled until he's bruised and raw. That's not my style at all. But we respect and accept our differences because there's no judgement. I'm working on this aspect of myself, to become better at it.

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On 4/7/2020 at 12:20 PM, Christy said:

I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

Thank you again, Christy, for this reminder! Perfectly said...

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9 hours ago, Chawsee said:

I concur with what John is saying here. We spanking fetishists are a relatively small minority. The commonality we share with each other should be stronger and more bonding than the differences in our styles. If you think about it, we're all "wired weird." It hurts my heart to see someone condemned because their "weird" is different from another's "weird." John is a serious hard-core spankee. He has posts telling how he likes being paddled until he's bruised and raw. That's not my style at all. But we respect and accept our differences because there's no judgement. I'm working on this aspect of myself, to become better at it.

I don't mean to hijack this thread, but can anyone tell me what caused all those spaced-out lines in my quote of JonTx (two posts above this one)? It was perfect before I hit the submit button. This happens to my posts every so often. What am I doing wrong? 

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17 hours ago, JonTx said:

 

i would like to agree with this and then some.  I feel I have a responsibility as an experienced and mature spanker who's been through lots of therapy about spanking and lots of soul-searching to post the following  to help people who are trying to find their way and accept themselves and their desire to be spanked or spank.

I am disturbed by the arrogance of some people who judge others here as not being "real" spank-o's because they don't want to call somebody master, don't want to age regress, don't want to obey unquestionably, or participate in some other fringe activity, which I'm beginning to see as cultish.  This is not about spanking. Many of these groups use spanking as part of their ritual, but some are just as likely to use something else as punishment, humiliation, punishment or domination.

I have the same spanking background many of you here do:    I was fascinated with spanking and playing spanking games from the age of four on. I've spanked and been spanked by more people than I can remember.  I would never be seriously romantically involved with anyone that was not  into spanking..  But, I think it would be ludicrous, judgmental, and again, "arrogant" for me to judge someone else that just discovered spanking as not being genuine because they don't want to be locked up in a dungeon or something.  A new person could read something like this and be scared off. 

I'm not going to judge a heavy scene player either, but I'm sure as hell not going to say that they are not genuine because they've crossed some line that I have for myself.

This site adds a great deal of value to people that are curious about spanking.  I want to encourage these people to come out and explore their spanking needs.  That is the reason I'm here and the only reason I'm here.  I am not seeking a partner, but if I were, I would probably be wracked with self-doubt.  If I ventured a post and someone  told me that I wasn't a real spank-o, or if I observed that in a post of that nature to someone else, I would possibly repress my feelings, label myself as a deviant, and crawl off. 

Have any of you thought about how much guts it takes to post your first message in a spanking site?  It's been so many years that I did it that it's hard for me to remember, but I do remember I lurked for ever.  Do you remember when you first told someone else about your spanking desires? I will imagine that you were probably rejected. You needed support, and may not have found it.

I want to encourage people, not judge them because they are into something that I, again personally find less than appealing.

I want to be clear that my problem here is judging others if they aren't into a particular kink.  I frankly think that some of this stuff would be better off on FetLife but that is just my opinion.  (Disclosure: I love enemas. I floated the topic and no one wanted to discuss it. Okay, I don't talk about it. I have had conversations on FetLife about it.  I like to be spanked to the point that I am bruised and raw. I don't talk about. I don't need help accepting it and don't want to scare people off.  I've decided it's so fringe that I will just keep quiet about it because I don't think it helps others unless they bring it up.)

If people want to participate in age play, pretend to be infants or children, have hard-core S&M labels, be called HOH, Mistress and so forth, insisting on capital letters, participating in FLR activity, or whatever else they want to do, I have no problem with that.  I am not judging them.   I just skip these posts;  however, where I draw the line is when they post to an existing conversation here or send  a PM and start challenging others as not being genuine spankers because they're not into something that I consider to be something OTHER than SPANKING.    It is their  criticism of others that I have a problem with, not the fact that they have their life structured in this fashion.

My issue with criticism is not limited to the list above.    I have met people who live their lives as if they were medieval knights and their consorts and insist on being called Lord and Lady.   Fine but,  it's not for me and I don't expect them to live like I do.  I also don't want them telling me that I should live like that.

So, if you are thinking about experimenting with spanking, there are lots of people here who will accept you where you are and give you lots of information. Please don't feel like you have to be like anyone else, including me. If you want to age play, fine. Whatever you want, but don't let someone else tell you you're not  genuine because you don't want to do what they are doing, or maybe aren't ready for yet...

The spanking community is as diverse as the general population, we all got here by different roads.  We might have some similarities, but we are all unique individuals.  We come to places like this for sharing something that few people understand, to feel accepted. Even within this community we might not understand another persons take on spanking, but we owe it to each other to stay respectful.  

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Back to the original post.  Anytime a spankee wants to walk away from a session for any reason, she should be able to.  That's absolute.  I don't care if she's given her spanker complete control or whatever term is used these days.  She should get up and walk away, and there should be no trouble from the spanker.  He has the right, of course, not to deal with her in the future if he so wants.  But it's real, there's no question about that.

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Bumping this post because we have a new member 

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Hello, 

I have a question so if someone is pressuring you to meet but you may not want to. Would it be appropriate to delay? I apologise I am new to all this regards to power and control. If someone doesn't honor that you stated to stop? That would be the same as assault? Would it be appropriate to flee the scene? Let's say someone does not honor boundaries and they wanted you to do stuff that you didn't agree or want to do. How would you get police involved if the person was playing with you? 

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Take your time getting to know people. Here and elsewhere. You should NEVER be pressured into having to do anything you don't want. Avoid mixing with anyone who is coercing you. There are golden rules to be followed - the (excellent) moderators here will point you in the general direction of those rules. Be sure to take sensible precautions for your own safety at all times. There are weirdos out there, you do not want to become a statistic that disappears for 10 years. Or permanently. As a general rule of thumb, take it nice and slow, stay away from people who want it all and want it now, and trust your gut instincts. Good luck in your quest

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2 hours ago, Rosy3457 said:

Hello, 

I have a question so if someone is pressuring you to meet but you may not want to. Would it be appropriate to delay? I apologise I am new to all this regards to power and control. If someone doesn't honor that you stated to stop? That would be the same as assault? Would it be appropriate to flee the scene? Let's say someone does not honor boundaries and they wanted you to do stuff that you didn't agree or want to do. How would you get police involved if the person was playing with you? 

 

You always have the right to do whatever you feel comfortable with. If you aren't comfortable meeting then you shouldn't feel any obligation to do so before you're ready. If they are pressuring you and don't respect you saying no, then they probably aren't someone you want to play with. There are some awesome people in this community but also it's share of creeps. If you aren't comfortable, communicate it with the person you're talking to. And trust your gut, if something feels fishy or off, it probably is. And if you meet someone, always do so in a public vanilla setting first, such as a coffee shop. Let someone like a trusted friend or another spanko know you're meeting with, who you're meeting with, when/where, and setup some kind of check in. Be sure to discuss everything first including your limits. Take all precautions you can.

As to if someone doesn't honor your wish to stop, then that is assault. Consent is ongoing and can be revoked by you at any time. It doesn't matter if the spanking or act has already started or if you agreed to do so previously or before the session. Once you revoke your consent, consent for the action no longer exists and if they go further, they are committing assault. It would be completely appropriate to get away as quickly as possible. 

With regards to police, you would notify them the same way one would any type of assault. Identify the perpetrator and any communication (such as messages on here) could be turned over. If you don't know the person's name, I believe they should be able to trace the IP address from the account. But go to them and do your best to report and identify it.

Be safe. Take things slow, trust your gut. And don't be afraid to ask questions to this community 

 

 

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Hello, 

I have a question so if someone is pressuring you to meet but you may not want to. Would it be appropriate to delay?

Yes. If you are not comfortable having a face to face, you can delay for as long as you wish. You can also choose to meet several times before deciding to engage in any activities. I meet an ER multiple times over a period of more than six months before I felt comfortable. That was me. 

 

 If someone doesn't honor that you stated to stop? That would be the same as assault? Would it be appropriate to flee the scene?

So, before engaging in any scenarios, it's important to establish clear boundaries. I made it clear BEFOREHAND that if I said "I withdraw consent" that NO MATTER WHAT was occurring at the time, everything stopped immediately. Failure to do so would change the scenario to an act of assault and I would react accordingly during and after, including filing charges with the authorities. I make this clear several times, both online and during face to face meetings. If you are ever in danger fighting and fleeing are appropriate. The key is to avoid ending up in that scenario. Using these safety protocols should help.

Let's say someone does not honor boundaries and they wanted you to do stuff that you didn't agree or want to do. How would you get police involved if the person was playing with you? 

Ok, so we've done our due diligence, meet with our ER, advised them of our hard boundaries, our *stop* word. (Mine is always, 'I withdraw consent' no ambiguity) and have agreed to a session and they decide to try to change the parameters. If it's before anything has started, you can discuss or walk away. If it's something that makes you remotely uncomfortable, WALK AWAY. If it's during, we immediately use our stop word/ phrase. Depending on the action, you can again choose to discuss or walk away. 

Sidenote: when I first  started TTWD, I found a Female pro for my first couple sessions. They were a wealth of information on the lifestyle, safety, local *creepers*, how to spot/ recognize predators , implements, etc. I HIGHLY recommend this route, if you can afford it. Also, I chose to stick with female ER's while I learned the ropes. It took away the sexual factor that can get mixed up in TTWD. Hope this helps. Stay safe. 

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Please listen to michgal

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Thank you so much everyone. I am actually asking these questions based on a bad past experience that happened to me when I was younger around 19-20. I don't want to make the same mistake twice and last time it almost cost me my life. I appreciate everyone input because it is helping me to stay safe this time around. 

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I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

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3 hours ago, Christy said:

I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

Hello Ms. Christy,

I actually really appreciate that you posted this in response to the post. My reaction of the bad situation was to fight back and run. 8 years ago I did not have this information and I was placing myself in harm's way both with spanking and BDSM. I appreciate that you willing to express and elaborate on the difference between abuse and play. Thank you again for passing this information along. I now know that going forward I can learn to be safer and still experience the spanking lifestyle in a healthy no harmful way. I am fairly new but I am willing to reach out to those that are more experienced.

 

Best

Rosy 🌹

 

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