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Power and Control

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Wanted say Thank you to a sweet friend, DunBenSpanked for all his help on this. Hugs dear friend.

I’m posting this as a response to being contacted in private by different ee’s who tell horror stories of being abused and taken advantage of by the people spanking them.

Because this is serious and appears to be happening more and more, I’d like to address the issues of Power and Control, as it relates to the relationship between ee's and ‘Er’s, before, during and after a session.

As an ‘ee, you must keep in mind that while you may have a need and craving to relinquish control to someone, ultimately you must accept the responsibility to say “No” or “Stop” (or whatever safe word had been agreed upon) should the circumstances demand it. Whatever happens in a session, only does so with your permission and those of us who spank, only do so with YOUR permission, and therefore a session should end immediately if that permission is withdrawn.

Any session that continues after permission is withdrawn, is no longer a session - it is an assault, and you should treat it accordingly. That means doing everything you would do if you were personally attacked on the street. Run, escape, call or scream for help, etc.

I would like to suggest to any ‘ee, especially those who are new to this, that you invest time and effort into building relationships with some of the more experienced people on this forum before proceeding. There is a very potent exchange of power that takes place during a session, and it should not be underestimated. The intimacy and the act of submission are like gun powder, and the spanking can be a spark that ignites a situation you were not planning on, or prepared for - but might later regret. I would be very happy to discuss this in private with anyone who needs to.

The most important thing to always keep in mind, is that the Power is ALWAYS ultimately yours; to grant permission, or to withdraw it.

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Nicely put and pretty much coincides with what I have been trying to preach to the newbies when I run into them. There has been an influx of younger women here lately and based on some of the profile photos, status comments, chat comments, etc. it's pretty clear to me that they're pretty much clueless as to the type of trouble they can find themselves in if they don't perform due diligence and take their time finding a mentor/spanker. And I've turned down would-be 'ees because of that.

"50 Shades' this isn't -- it's real life where people can and do get hurt - physically and/or mentally -- for real.

As usual, feel free to PM me with comments. And if you haven't done so, take a look at the FAQs on my website. I don't promise the site contains all of the answers, but its a starting point.

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i agree all you would be ees or ers must know that the ee has all of the power and control to all the ees out there can feel free to pm me as well and im happy to answer any questions you may have to the best of my abilities

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Yes...this is true. This is how it works in our marriage and I feel how ti should work in any relationship involving spanking and submission and the like. I know all too well the difference between abuse and wiling submission, In my young adult years I endured abuse even though I could have somehow escaped. I took being kicked, beaten, hit, and whipped with the buckle end of a belt in ways that caused me a great deal of injury and harm. I "thought" I just had to accept this because I was depending on these so-called "men" to provide me food and shelter and some money. I now recognize there was help available to me. I can remember several who reached out to me, but I refused to accept it. Those days are a far cry from my marriage now to a man who truly "gets" my need for serious and real discipline and submission, but is very conscience of not injuring me or going beyond what I feel is abusive or what is indeed injurious. I know the difference between abuse and passionate strong submission and discipline....you must, absolutely must know you can trust the one you are with and it must based on more than just nice words...but consistent behaviors and genuine caring. That is why I feel...just my opinion...the safest situation for true submission and a disciplinary dynamic is a solid, loving marriage.


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Thanks for the bump. My husband was my only partner. We had been talking online and phoning, and he invited himself up for NYE 2000. Normally I would have said no, but I always play it safe and thought 'well, what if the hoopla about the turn of the century is right? So I stepped out of my comfort zone and said yes.

He was in Baltimore and I was in Cleveland and I really wasnt nervous. Mostly because I had two very large, very protective shephard wolf mixes and I made that clear to him from the git go. I dont know if I could do that again. (I have two senior beagles who would sell me out for a cookie) and things have changed so much in the last 15 years. Someone brought up the scenario where the two met and she went to his place and he had a partner and things went very badly.

I dont know if I'm brave enough to do that again. Even with a safe call; it still could be dangerous. And a part of me feels like just being here is cheating, even tho it has been 2 years since he died. But I cant live in this silent refuge for the rest of my life. When I was married, for the first time in my life, I felt so totally safe. I was became confident and strong. Now I dont know how to tell who is genuine and who is a creeper.

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This is why I stress meeting within the community.

I attend spanking parties. Any woman who might be interested in bottoming to me, gets to see me in action. If she asks around, she can speak to numerous people who have either played with me or else seen me play.

If you meet someone off the Internet, you're hoping they are as they described. When you meet someone at a party or through others in the scene, you've got lots of extra safety.

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I strongly recommend always meeting in a public place before going any further. By meeting in a public place it gives you both a chance to chat and get a feel for each other. If either of you is uncomfortable you can simply leave and there is no harm done.

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I agree, i keep reading articles about human trafficking in the usa and if someone isnt safe that could be what happens to them. All the thoughts about safety really really should be followed by anyone seeking to meet in rl. Please be safe dont let feeling desperate overwhelm you.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Christy: You certainly raised a VERY important point for those who are just starting to reach out and meet up with others. Meeting in public is always something a spankee should require. Setting expectations and limits in advance - even before that meeting - is also important. Others may not know that I sent my partner to you for real punishment. It was great because we set clear limits - on both sides - and then you had him meet you in a public place just to make sure that everything seemed right and, evidently, to assure he knew what he was going to receive. Spankers/disciplinarians/mentors need to also do this to assure that we are safe and delivering what is expected since many spankees are willing to accept something that might be very difficult to receive for them but if limits are clearly set in advance, there are no surprises. Instead, the spankee learns a good lesson like my partner did when he met up with you. Thanks for your post, Christy, and thank you for dishing out that sound paddling. Rachel

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Christy is exactly how she sounds and does exactly what she says. My poor bottom . . . no my well spanked, happy bottom witness to her. We met for breakfast and both feeling comfortable with the situation we went to our session. i GOT JUST WHAT i WANTED AND NEEDED.

Safe, sane and consentual!

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