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Asking the non spanking spouse for "permission" to seek out Spanking Relief...


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So, I am somewhat intrigued by this idea of heading outside the relationship with the "blessing" of the spouse to seek someone else to fill the spanking role who is into the spanking thing. I am curious how you may have approached this and how the request went down, good or bad. Anyone care to share this experience? I have thought about it but have fears that it would not be well received...Would like to hear from ers and ees.

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I haven't approached it, but I have certainly thought about. I've told my wife about my spanking needs, and while she has tried a few times, she's told me she really isn't into it, and thus far hasn't been able to give me the real discipline spanking I need. So if she understands this is a need, and she doesn't want to fulfill it, won't she at least let someone else take care of this need? That's the way I plan on presenting it (if I find someone who is willing to spank me without any sexual strings attached). Of course, the tough part would be convincing her that there is nothing else going on. I did mention it briefly to her once, but she wasn't convinced that it could be non-sexual. We really didn't discuss it at any length or in any depth.

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I wish you the best. This is something I have never had to deal with, but I do understand the deep unexplainable need for spanking. I think the biggest concern would be keeping it non sexual. This is probably a stupid question, but maybe you could have it o your wife was also present. If not actually watching, maybe in the next room or nearby?

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I'm neither married nor currently in a long-time relationship, but I have some thoughts about this.

I've been asked to spank someone who is married (or in a monogamous LTR with someone). Without exception, I automatically refuse anybody who confesses that their spouse/partner doesn't know they're doing this on the side. I realize it's a tough position to be in, that talking about this sensitive stuff is scary and difficult for various reasons and it feels easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission, and I do not judge people who are willing to top/bottom in secret, but I have strong feelings about deceiving someone like that. However, one married person who did ask me was upfront about the fact that 1) his wife knew about his need/fetish but it wasn't for her, 2) he did not want to harm his relationship so ultimately she would be prioritized over me, and 3) she was okay with him seeking out fulfillment of some (but not all) needs outside of their marriage, 3a) so long as he was discreet and safe and 3b) only after she could meet me at least once so she could trust that I was also discreet and safe. It was the only time I actually considered doing anything with someone who was married/in a relationship. The arrangement didn't work out due to other reasons, but I was curious about how he brought up this subject since so often people find incompatible needs like this to be dealbreakers or else just hide it forever like some shameful secret. Apparently, they discussed it for a long time and she wasn't convinced about certain factors (eg: whether or not it's sexual in ways she absolutely was not okay with, whether or not this would become an open marriage, etc.), but she was willing to actually meet a spanker and watch him get spanked. After that, she was more okay with it, although that got easier to handle over time. [i gather there were other benefits his spouse appreciated experiencing after he did seek outside fulfillment, as well....]

Not everything turns out perfect, especially when it comes to relationships with people. I personally feel like people really don't know what'll happen unless they go there and find out, so long as they're willing to explore other options - maybe it'll work out, maybe it won't. Neither side is wrong or selfish if it doesn't work out; wanting needs to be met is important, but nobody should have to be okay with something that doesn't make them comfortable. What matters is that the solution works out for you both, not what solutions work out for other relationships or how it works out in your fantasies.

One thing I do think is very important is thinking over how much the outcome will matter BEFORE one brings it up, including pondering how to cope and adjust so that everyone is as happy as can be if it turns out that the answer is "no." I think this helps stave off any heated emotional argument when one is surprised by disappointment, and it helps focus on the fact that this could be an ongoing discussion that may take some time. Otherwise, I think it comes across a bit like an ultimatum.

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Relationships came in all shapes and sizes. What is right for one may not be right for another so I think it is important not to moralise about this because what may be seen by me as unacceptable might well not be an issue for someone else. Personally I have been up front about the need to spank from early in our relationship. My wife could not respond for very good reasons of her own . Her view was that if I followed up on this she wanted to know it did not involve sex, beyond that she I'd not want to be included or aware. We have an otherwise rock solid marriage.

But be aware that relationships are not static. Many many year on in our relationship my wife said she wanted to try this, she posed it in disciplinary terms, and while I have been far more gentle than I might be in other circumstances we did carry through, as a part of a full relationship. And it was great for both of us. Now ( in her 50s) she wants to explore more

Respect is important but also knowing the toleration in your relationship is critical. Spend more time on that than listening to others.

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I was able to provide my husband what he needed although it took a while for me to actually enjoy it as well. I would hope your wife could learn to as well. If not, I like the idea of her being present or at least going along the first few times.

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I've actually had this conversation with my wife on more than several occasions but I don't recall exactly how the subject came up.

She knows that it might be good to have a "higher level" of discipline, and is not against the idea, but sometimes is more warm to the idea than at other times. She has said that if we were to ever find someone suitable (which may be unlikely) that she would want to be in an adjoining room, or at least waiting in the car for me. I would personally prefer for her to be in the room watching but i don't think watching me get a disciplinary spanking is something that is palatable to her.

Now when she gives me one herself, for good reason, she has no troulble at all making my bottom sore and leaving marks for a few days. I wonder what the difference is?

Regards,

Ed

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My husband let me seek spanking outside of our relationship for awhile... He knew how I felt about it, that I felt it was something I needed and wanted, but had little interest himself... We had a lot of trust built up in our relationship... honesty and communication, so there came a time where I just honestly told him, that I understood this wasn't something he wanted to do, but I still felt the need for it... I mentioned this forum , of mentors and disciplinarians who helped people like me, and with his permission, I'd like to talk with some of them... He's always been aware of what I do , whether he wants to know or not, I'm pretty open-book with him... so my asking hadn't come as a shock to him...

His main concern for me, was safety, and that was the trickiest part, reassuring him that I would be safe with the person I'd meet.... everything else just came down to trust and communication... he trusted my loyalty to him, enough that he didn't worry about my meeting up with another man online, and we have always been honest with eachother.

Right now he is my main spanker again... when my old mentor passed away, I was having a hard time finding someone I could go to , who I felt safe and comfortable with.... being aware of this , knowing my need, and my struggle finding someone , my husband ended up filling the role again...

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I am in exactly this position right now (asking non spanking spouse not the position).

The difficulty is that my wife will spank but will not research or read or take advice form anyone with experience so I either find myself topping from the bottom which feels wrong or it feels unsafe physically and psychologically. In the end, I have accepted that spanking has no part of our relationship but this is very hard. As for visiting a professional for therapeutic spanking, I consider this my right. But my right or not, there is no solution here because I either do this in secret wheich feels wrong or cause distress by asking permission.

I don't know how this will be resolved.

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As someone that has seen MANY people that were given permission in their relationships to seek out spanking, I can say that it is something you need to fully discuss with your significant other.

Those that see Me enjoy that fact that there is no sex involved and their SOs like that fact to. Sometime, the SO will even come along to the session and and just watch their SO get spanked! The one of many joys of being a Professional! :)

I would say, if you do and the SO is fine with it, ensure them better by letting THEM seek out the person and be able to have a line of communication open between them as well.

Miss Lydia LaMour

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Interesting replies, all. I appreciate it when there are interesting, thoughtful and even provocative replies to my posts. I will admit though, that I am REALLY interested in the account of someone who has actually done this and does not mind sharing the results- good or bad. I have discussed this with a couple of other folks in exactly this situation and I suppose the general feeling is while asking sounds good on paper, the reality might not be so great.

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Guest Pet-oskygirl

Thats the consensus from my world as well Elzorro. Those who have asked to go outside the relationship for non sexual spanking activity are met with threats of divorce, mocked, other family members have been told, and I have seen where the relationships have been torn in ways that takes forever (if ever) to mend. I have heard many scenerio's, but those are not my personal conversations to share with you. These conversations have however profoundly changed me, and the way I see things. Spanko's know these feelings and needs dont just go away, and can be very overwelming. I know that I feel different then alot of people do about this, and I could never be that person who would mandate your SO know about your spanking activity. Just me. :) Pet

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Whether it is a spouse, SO or just a good friend, I think the essence of this is the "coming out" dilemma, which is probably one of the most difficult challenges spanko's face for all the reasons Pet mentions above.

To throw a twist on the question posted, I even wonder if anyone who is in a relationship WITH a spanko, has ever asked, or been told to go outside the relationship for discipline spankings. My SO is usually thousands of miles away, and has sometimes suggested that having someone near me to "deal" with issues that arise might be both effective and entertaining. The idea does create the classic "stomach drop" for me, since I know my SO knows my limits, but another spanker wouldn't....(gulp). Also, even though she quite effectively uses spanking to "communicate" with me, as well as for play, I suspect it might be emotionally easier for my SO to instruct someone else to take things to a discipline level, were it ever needed.

I hope this just expands this interesting topic, without hijacking it...

Ben

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Pet and all,

Very well put, in your post. That is exactly what happens in the real world with real people, and why many of us must seek paddlings in secret. This is certainly not the ideal, but it is the reality. We yearn for a paddling and strapping, and our SO has no understanding of that, just as most people do not understand. We have no desire to become the subject of total mocking from everyone in our extended family, which is exactly what would and does happen. We want to maintain our marriagwes, we love our spouses, and we have a profound need for a paddling as well as to stay married. Pet has clarified this well in a way i've not succeeded in doing in the past, in our many discussions on this subject.

Thanks, Pet!

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If you really don't want to mix sex with spanking, have you thought of getting a male spanker? Even gay doms often are quite willing not to have sex in connection with the spanking. And your having activities with a male friend is probably not going to be something your wife is going to worry about. Also, some doms are totally straight and do regularly spank other men.

For the record, I am a gay man, but generally prefer being spanked by straight men who don't want to mix sex with the spanking.

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I am not a spankee...But I have considered spanking a male- out of curiosity rather than need. I did not really consider it to be that big of a deal, I think I had inquires from STR males but some of my female acquaintances went pretty nuts...The typical was "You wouldn't really do that, would you?" Still thinking but not sure I am there yet.

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You know, I am sort of beginning to think this idea is a fantasy from the group...I broached the topic with some others who operate outside the marriage thing w/o permission etc and the fear was that not only would the SO NOT understand but that would end any further play from that moment on as well as suspicion that the cat had already occurred. As PET said, I actually think this is pretty the most probable outcome. Call me chicken but this is probably not an experiment I am going to try soon.

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I spank all willing bottoms, and have taught many SO how to spank. I am currently spanking someone while the SO watches so safety is not an issue. Anyone who has the courage to ask for a spanking deserves one, or two, or . . . . . . .

If you’re really a mentor then offer to teach someone else.

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I am married and my wife is not into spanking. I enjoy both giving and receiving. When we first met she told me she didn't want to get spanked but would spank me. After we were married for a few months she informed me that she didn't want to spank me. After a few talks she suggested I have someone else do it. Once I started looking she changed her mind. I don't mix sex and spanking and did not with her. But she felt it might lead to sex with the spanker. We had more conversations about it. She started spanking me again but didn't like doing it. After more talks I decided I did not want her spanking me because she wasn't comfortable with it and I didn't want her doing something she wasn't comfortable with. She decided that I should go get spanked because she didn't want me doing without something that is important to me. She also realized that I am not looking for sex just spanking and she trusts me. I have since been spanked by women and men and have given some spankings as well. The reason it worked out for us is that we had many conversations about it and came to understand each other's feelings on the subject. Also, both of wanted the other person to be happy. We have been married 15 years and we are happy. Our arrangement has been working.

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Hello Everyone,

I think can add to the discussion because I've been talking to my wife about my seeing an outside professional AND just yesterday made that visit (my first!) to the Pro.

I have been with my wife for 20 years and getting deeper into my submission to her while she has grown in Her Dominance. She has spanked me often over the years but, as many of us have experienced, never with quite the intensity we are looking for. I think a spouse's love factor prevents the spouse from being the complete disciplinarian. (Again just my experience)

A year or two ago my Wife told me I could find a professional if I wanted to. I told her "No" because (quite truly) she is the only woman for me.

But.....as us bad boys go I was viewing the personal ads on-line in a city far away from mine which I was going to visit and.....

Very quickly I came upon an ad of a Professional Dom that, like magic, was perfect. She looked like a well-dressed, 40 year old business woman - just my type. I spoke with her on the phone and arranged an appointment. I did NOT tell my wife.

The anxiety of anticipation was amazing! I'm an experienced man but had seldom felt anything like this. She came to my hotel right on time. I was easily able to talk with her about my life, fantasy, and disappointment. She was very understanding.

She spanked me with both her hand and several different paddles and a big heavy leather strap. I was embarrassingly naked in front of her - all that great stuff. Afterwards, I dressed and was shaking. She let me embrace her and held me close in what seemed to me the most tender and loving way. We both seemed to want to kiss but didn't. Then she was gone. I have some slight marks of my ass today but she left a deeper mark on my heart. Yet it could not compare to the type of spanking I receive from my Wife.

I realize I'm more into the Domestic Discipline type scene. The spanking (while very important) is just a part of my feeling the control of my wife. My professional was very, well, professional with warmup, increasing intensity, and at the end applying lotion to my redden butt. But that isn't what I need. I'd like to see her again but more with the hope of getting her in bed. With my Wife - who doesn't read anything like this forum- I'll try to get her more into discipline as part of the Female Led Marriage thing.

Hope this gives food for thought.

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All of the answers have been very thoughtful and thought provoking, and i've appreciated the discussion (and still stand by what Pet and i commented earlier). i'm grateful we can have serious discussions, including varying opinions. In the end, i guess we all have to do what will work in our own personal situations. i admire those who have been able to include outside spankos with a SO's blessing; still i know that would never happen for me. Good or bad, i'm willing to get paddlings and strappings discretely, from Women and/or men. For me, it's about the paddling.

OICUspank2, i do wonder about the wisdom of seeking out an outside sexual relationship. Such a breach in the marriage covenant is very hard to overcome, breaks the confidence your spouse has in you, and could lead to long-term unhappiness and divorce. You seem happy with your FLR, perhaps you should not put it at risk. In any case, i enjoyed the description of your paddling and strapping from a professional; similar to what i would appreciate--congratulations! But how could you be submissive to your Wife, and yet seek sexual relations outside of marriage? (Isn't that usually the role of the Domme?) Anyway, if a spanker is a professional, and the Woman who spanked you sounds like a real professional spanker, i sort of think She is not going to go for the sex.

I wish spanking, paddling and strapping were a lot more main stream than it is, and acceptable among adults, married or not. i think it can work, and could be a good thing. One thing i've noticed about similar discussions is that young persons have been a lot more adamant about only spanking with a spouse or if he/she approves than persons with a few more years "under their belts" (pun very intended!). One might expect the reverse to be true, but i believe in this instance, life experience makes an important contribution.

Thanks everyone, for your comments!

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