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  1. Hey Guys! Would you please help me out? For all of you men who submit to a female disciplinarian (whether as a spankee or switch), what is something you'd like her to know? This can be anything from how you prefer to be lectured, to a tip on spanking technique, to aftercare suggestions, to maybe just something you've wanted to say. The best tips, advice, and heartfelt truths come from you, so thanks for sharing. Insights "straight from the horse's mouth" always help me. The more you guys teach me, the more skilled I become at what I do.
  2. This is a guide I wish had existed before I got my first punishment spanking. I was very ignorant, and very terrified! I'm posting it here so I can link to it next time I see one of those "I'm going to get my first spanking--Halp!!" threads. If you want to copy and send it to a new ee or just post it somewhere, please go ahead. You don't have to credit me. So you entered into a power exchange relationship with someone. You agreed on rules and consequences. Maybe you thought those consequences would never come to pass, but here you are. Your top, dom, Daddy, or whoever you answer to has decided that you deserve to be punished, and that punishment has to be a spanking. What do you do now? The answer may have seemed obvious before: you bend over and take your spanking. End of story. But now that you're facing the reality of punishment, you have worries and questions. That's only natural. Everyone who was new to spanking at some point feared and wondered the same things. What's Going To Happen? This is a great question to ask your top. Some disciplinarians have elaborate punishment rituals, while others are much more informal. For the purposes of this article, we're going to assume that you have a wise and benevolent spanker who welcomes communication and wants to help you take your spanking as best you can. They should prepare you for what's going to happen, and let you know what will be expected of you. What's Not Going To Happen? If you expect your disciplinarian to spend a lot of time fussing over you and reassuring you before your first spanking, you're probably going to be disappointed. I'll save you both some time by responding to what are probably your two top concerns: "How much is it going to hurt?" More than you want it to. "But I'm scared!" You should be. If you're so frightened you feel like you're going to vomit or pass out, let your top know, and they'll help you. Spankings should be scary, but they shouldn't be THAT scary. Just be aware that "help" in this context may not be cuddling and reassuring words. It may just be a mercifully prompt beginning to your punishment, so you won't have to wait and fret anymore. Questions To Ask Until you're actually bent over the spanking horse or your disciplinarian's lap getting your butt blistered, you won't know for certain how you'll react. It's best to prepare for possible eventualities by talking to your top beforehand. For example, what happens if you swear? A lot of people instinctively curse when they experience pain. Is your top going to wash your mouth out with soap if you start swearing? Will curse words earn you extra swats? Or will your spanker just laugh? It's worth noting that while some disciplinarians let swearing in general slide, I have never met one yet who tolerates being sworn at. There's a difference between "fuck" and "fuck you," and it would be a good idea to prepare yourself to remember that, even under duress. Another thing to ask is what happens if you move out of position. Are you going to be calmly but firmly reminded to hold still, or is your spanking going to start over from the beginning? Will kicking, squirming, or attempts to block spanks with your hand earn you extra punishment? It's also good to ask for any clarification you may need about your disciplinarian's practices and expectations of you. Are you expected to count strokes aloud? Will you be told in advance how many swats you're going to get, or is not knowing when the spanking will end part of the discipline? What should you do if something goes dramatically wrong, such as your feeling like you're going to be sick, or a spank has landed badly and you feel you're genuinely injured? Your dynamic may require that you accept your punishment without protest, but you should always be welcome to communicate and ask questions--provided you're not just asking questions to stall. Surviving the Wait For some spankees, the anticipation of a spanking is worse than the actual spanking itself. This is particularly likely to be true if this is the first time you've been spanked. Keep in mind that half of what you're fearing is just the unknown. Ask questions and trust your disciplinarian to be sensible and fair, and some of that fear should dissipate. You may be tempted to tell every kinky friend you've got about your impending sentence, in the hopes that talking about it may help reduce the anxiety. And maybe it will. Beware of others' "war stories," however. It is not helpful for someone to say, "Oh, I remember my first spanking! It was soooooo bad . . ." but you might be surprised at how many people will respond in just that way. Remember that dramatic stories make for better telling, and that your friend may be exaggerating for effect. Also keep in mind that they are not you. Just because they received 100 strokes of the cane and 500 with a flogger during their first spanking doesn't mean that you will. Your experience will be your own. Long Waits Some of us live long distances from our disciplinarians, or have other reasons that necessitate a long wait between a punishment's pronouncement and its execution. If you're the anxious type, as I am, this can be very, very hard to take. My advice, as a fellow anxious person, is to do two apparently contradictory things: try not to think about it, and try to make your dread useful. Keeping busy and minimizing the amount of time you stare off into space, letting your thoughts wander, will help keep you from ruminating. I turn on the TV as I fall asleep so I have something benign to think about as I get drowsy. During those times when you can't help but think about your impending punishment, try to work to just accept it. After all, unless you want out of your dynamic altogether, there's no way to avoid it. Take responsibility, admit you deserve to feel bad right now, and resolve to do better in the future. This is easier said than done, but sucking it up and accepting what you have coming will help you become the best version of yourself you can be. Short Waits The day is here, the spanking is coming. It's just not happening quite yet. Maybe your disciplinarian has sent you to your room or to the corner to think about what you did, and what the consequences will be. Practice acceptance, as I mentioned above, but also check in with yourself to make sure you don't get overwhelmed. After all, your top hasn't even touched you yet! Remember to breathe. If you're very anxious, breathe in for a slow count of four, and breathe out for a slow count of six. Focus on your breath, and the sensations in your body. Is your heart hammering? Are your hands sweaty? Those are just signs of anxiety, and while it's unpleasant, anxiety never killed anyone. Focus on your surroundings. Feel your feet in your shoes, your hands at your sides. Even if you're standing in the corner, you can pick a paint speck or bump on the wall to fasten on. Listen to your breathing, and any ambient sounds in the room. Pick a mantra. This can be a short prayer (I sometimes use the Hail Mary), or brief statement of purpose, such as: "I will learn from this, and I will do better next time." There's also the famous passage from Dune, which I like a lot: "I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain." These techniques can get you through those last agonizing minutes until the real punishment begins. Taking Your Spanking This is it: the moment you've been dreading. While the spanking lasts and for some while after, you're going to be absolutely miserable. It's okay to hate it. In fact, hating it is the point. Keep in mind though (as far as you can keep anything in mind when your tail is being lit up), that the pain won't last forever. It will fade, and when it does, the slate will be wiped clean. Remember to keep breathing while you're being spanked. It's easy to forget to do this simple thing in the stress of the moment. If the pace of the spanking is slow enough, try to exhale when the swats land, and inhale during the wind-up. If you're getting a fast-paced spanking, just gasp along as best you can. Since you've already asked your disciplinarian what to do in case of an emergency, you know how to respond if you can't get enough air in and you start to feel dizzy. Do your best to hold still. This is a matter of safety as well as self-discipline. There are places on the body that are safe to strike, such as the cushy areas of the bottom and the backs of the thigs, and there are areas that are dangerous to strike, such as over the tailbone or the backs of the testicles. You do NOT want to jerk or squirm at the wrong moment and take a smack somewhere dangerous. If you really cannot hold resonably still, use your emergency signal and ask to be restrained for your own safety. Communicate as best you can. This may only be in the form of body language, or in grunts, cries, or sobs, but let your spanker know what is going on with you. It may seem more dignified or submissive to lie as silent and stoic as a log, but if you do, your disciplinarian may assume they're not getting through to you. (I am assuming that you are a well-intentioned person who is serious about accepting your discipline, and that you will not throw a dramatic fit in the hopes of getting your spanker to stop sooner. This is an ill-advised thing to do. If your top has any experience, they will know what you're trying to pull and respond accordingly. It's literally your ass on the line.) Aftermath And Aftercare Once the spanking is finally over, you may be sent to the corner or some other quiet place to cool down and consider your lesson. This is a chance to re-center yourself, and work out in your mind what you're going to tell your disciplinarian when they ask you for your plan to avoid problem behaviors in the future. Alternatively, your disciplinarian may feel that you've suffered enough, and an immediate expression of care and forgiveness is in order. They may hug you, bring you a warm blanket and a glass of water, or just leave you alone for a while, if that's how you calm down. Aftercare should leave you feeling soothed and as if you've got a fresh start ahead of you. Spanking is an intimate act, and aftercare is the most intimate part of all. Take time to enjoy it. Since you're no longer being punished, your top will probably respond postively to reasonable requests, such as for a tighter hug or a kiss on the forehead. As always, the experience will be more beneficial for you if you communicate your needs. And that will be that. The great thing about spanking as a punishment is that when it's over, it's over. You don't have weeks or months of dull grounding hanging over your head. You can pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and go back to living your life--sorer maybe, but hopefully wiser.
  3. *sighs* I feel really stupid for even asking this, but I don't know what else to do. How do I actually talk to my ER? Part of our agreement was that when something is bothering me enough that it feels like it's pushing me towards my breaking point, I talk to him and see if doing so helps because most things are ridiculous nonsense and having some sense talked into me does often help, but not always. The issue is I don't really know how to talk about my feelings (long story short, it's childhood related), and he does know and understand that. But I feel like an annoyance and nothing but a bother when I try to talk to anyone about my feelings (same reason as not knowing how to talk about them), and that just causes more stress because I want to talk but don't know how and feel like I'm a burden if I try. Does anyone have any advice on what the hell I should do? My current issue is related to a phobia and I'm ashamed of the weird habits/issues it causes, which is the problem because I know I can't help it.
  4. HUGE update (01/31/2018): Great news! Everything went great! I was able to talk to my friend about this, and he was 100% cool with it and is willing to help me! We had a little trial run spanking yesterday, and though it wasn't much, it did help a little! He's also trying to help me find some good coping methods to use when he's not around since we don't exactly live close to each other. And again, thank you all so much for your advice! Edit (01/03/2018): Thanks to the lovely people here, I've got everything figured out on how to go about asking my friend. Thank you all so much, I'll update you on how things go when I get the chance to ask him! This is a little bit awkward to ask, but I need to do it. I wish to ask a close friend to spank me. To my knowledge, he doesn't know I'm into this sort of thing, and though he's the most open-minded person I think I've ever met, I'm afraid of rejection and possibly losing him as a friend (though there's almost no chance of the second one happening, anxiety insists it's a guaranteed thing). I'm posting this because I need advice on how to go about it. When I tried with two exes in the past, it was awkward because I kept stumbling over my words and couldn't stop saying "I'm sorry, I'm a freak/you'll hate me". I had no clue how to properly ask to be spanked, and I still don't, but this is very important to me. The reason I want to ask this specific friend is a bit too personal to give details about, but the simple answer is I too much guilt and I want someone I know well and would trust with my life to help me this time. And it honestly feels like I need someone close to me to do it if I want any hope of it working. Has anyone done this before (asking a close friend/loved one to spank you)? How did you ask? What would you recommend I say/do to ask my friend for such a huge favor? I'm absolutely lost. Thank you for any and all replies, anything will be highly appreciated.
  5. I am still very much a beginner to this spanking business, but I feel like I have already learned a few things... and also already made some pretty big mistakes. If you could go back and give advice to your former self as you started out on your 'spanking journey' (for want of a better description), what would you say? What helpful things have you learned? Please share, and hopefully we can bring together some sage advice and wisdom from which other newbies can benefit - or all of us, for that matter, since I firmly believe that you never stop learning, whether you are a beginner or a veteran. All that being said, we are, of course, all different, and what is true for one of us might very well not be for others; while is good to listen to others' advice, I think that we have a responsibility to consider it carefully, reflect, and make our own decisions based on our own contexts. I will start! I wish the former me had been braver about talking to others. The fear that there was something wrong with me for wanting what I want made me very shy about sharing those feelings - and in my vanilla life I do feel that they are taboo. But places like this site provide supportive and helpful communities, and I should have engaged sooner. It would have made me feel less isolated and might have prevented me from making some other mistakes early on because I would have been better informed, and had sources of advice, and people with whom I could sanity-check! Somewhat conversely, I have also been reminded that online communication has its pitfalls. People are not always who they seem, online, and being naive about that, or blinded to it, or too trusting, can lead to getting hurt. Trust is earned. Also, former me forgot that it's wise not to jump into anything too quickly, and it's helpful to try and work out what you want and what you are looking for (at least vaguely), and be honest with yourself about that, before you go and seek it. Finally, former me: you *will* make mistakes, and that is not necessarily a bad thing. They are learning opportunities in themselves, and have their uses. Over to you, spankers, spankees, switches, and others: what do you wish you had known sooner? Thanks, All Annie
  6. Hi everyone, I’m Emma and I’m 18 going on 19. I made an account on here finally because I’m seeking some advice. So, my boyfriend and I have been together for a while now and know almost everything about each other. The one thing, though, that he doesn’t know, is obviously that I’m interested in the spanking world (spankee) and possibly a not extreme version of domestic discipline..? Basically, I’m looking for some advice on how to bring this up to him. There are some things you should probably know first: •We don’t have sex. We both have never had sex and want to *try* to wait until marriage. We agreed that saving ourselves for the person we marry would be a wonderful gift to give them. I don’t think this should be too much of an issue because although spankings are a turn on, I do not want them to be related to sex at this point in our relationship. •He took that online BDSM test as a joke but scored 98% dominant and 73% sadist •Our friend brought up domestic discipline and he had no idea what it was (he still probably doesn’t know) •He was not aware of the kink world until he met my friends. I’m not sure if he just never knew about it or if he never found any interest in it. I appreciate any feedback!
  7. I had a session with my Dom last night and we had found out that I bruise really easy. Is this more common for younger people? Is there anything I can do to prevent bruising so easily? My pain tolerance is relatively high and I'm a bit of a pain junkie at times (well.....all the time) so I wanted more. A lot more. I really want to be spanked until I just can't handle anymore. I've had my collar bone and the bony parts of my shoulder tattooed in addition to the surrounding areas so it takes a lot to get me to the point I want to get to. I don't want any permanent or dangerous damage done though.
  8. Punishment spankings for me last about an hour. Sometimes longer than that. I was on the verge of crying twice, because I felt so bad about what I had done. But the spankings were cut short, that is no longer an issue...Lately I have felt little to no remorse for whatever I'm being punished for...I get spanked very hard. My bottom ends up red and it hurts to even move. So I know pain isn't the issue...we've tried corner time, but I don't take it serious. I get scolded before, during, and after the spankings but sometimes I just don't listen. I don't know what I can do to shed some tears but any advice, tips, anything would help.
  9. Procrastination is without a doubt one of my biggest flaws I need to correct. Knowing this, I still find myself having a hard time just getting motivated or finding energy to do my work. I'm in college and obviously as a member of the honor society procrastination is unacceptable. Sometimes my papers are late or I have to cram because I waited so long to get started. I want to change this. I know ultimately its up to me to change but i was wondering if anyone had some advice to offer?
  10. I've been a spanko for many years, my wife has been spanking me since we were dating, and we're coming up on our 35th anniversary! She's always been the spanker, and I've always been the spankee. We've been happily into this for all these years, but now she is concerned about our age, and is just now having second thoughts. I'm looking for advice on what to do, or where we could go from here.
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