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1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-8 I guess the easiest way to start this off would be to define what love is - our whole universe and way of thinking depends on it. A child who does not develop and keep a secure attachment by 12 months will be adversely affected for the rest of their lives with Attachment Disorder, it can also slow the progress of the brain developing so these children often have Learning Difficulties as well as at times physical developmental delays. Its a little like both the wind and the Holy Spirit; we can't see it, can't hear it but we feel it and see the effects. It is something we cannot control, something we crave, something we need and something we strive for. So how does such an integral part of human existence compare with a lifestyle of dominance and submission, leadership and obedience and couples with defined roles? 1) Love is patient. I guess in any form of relationship, whether that be parent/child, romantic, friendships, professional or mentorships, we live by a certain 'give and take' custom. Patience in it's simplest form is using tolerance to pick your battles without becoming frustrated and anxious, compromising. I have struggled a little where this comes in with a CDD relationship as the HOH can just spank when she annoys him right? When she's out of line or breaks a rule - she gets her tuppence and he can take this out on her butt and vwala....but how does this work the other way around? What happens when he is in the wrong, when he is rude, arrogant, undermining, unfair or just an ass? However this is in no way the point of CDD in any form, this is how many vanilla people looking through the peephole see it, but really it's so much more. I feel that the man has to use so much more patience and tolerance as he knows he can give consequences but is tied by his responsobility to be honorable, fair, and use it as discipline to stop the behaviour repeating itself as opposed to revenge or relieving his great annoyance. How much more responsibility goes into this, how much more self discipline when the only accountability is himself? Patience therefore in any DD relationship is central to the working of the relationship. Tolerance of each others personality and quirks yet building each others strengths. The man has a responsibility to use this patience to discipline in the right manner and the woman the responsibility to help him work through his faults. 2) Love is Kind. Kindness is something we all learn by being loved, by watching those around us. In our early years we learn to be generous by sharing our toys and later food, we learn to be friendly in nursery and school - figuring out how to make friends and what is and is not acceptable friendliness. Later in life we learn to be considerate of others and develop a sense of humanity. 3) Love does not envy, jealousy and envy are often confused, see God is a jealous God but not an envious one. Jealousy is being protective of what you have (we're Gods creation and he doesn't want to lose us; envious non the other hand is always looking at other people and wanting what they have. Jealousy is in healthy to a certain extend very healthy, we do naturally want to protect what is ours. Jealousy in a relationship contains 3 parties, the third unwanted party can be a person, idea or thing. Love does not envy though, it is not the green eyed monster never contended with his lot. Envy is always looking for that green grass, yet the grass is green where it is watered. We need to be jealous over our relationship and not let envy become that third party, we need to protect and nurture what we have, learn to truly love it and cherish it. 4) Love does not boast. There is a real key difference between being boastful and being confident. Being confident is God's treasure in our successes. We are able to look at our work, ourselves, our achievements and celebrate them aside from what anyone else does. We are not threatened by the successes of others, our successes are able to stand on their own. This is especially important in DD, as we want to build each other up, enhance each others achievements, celebrate with them without being threatened by them. Boastful on the other hand is needing to be the best, having so much pride in our work that we don't want anyone else coming out on top. That in any form of relationship is unhealthy, but in one where one party is more in control of the environment, it can turn ugly quickly. We need to watch ourselves and where our mind takes us with our achievements, are we building others up or tearing them down? 5) Love is not proud. My mom always used to say to me 'pride comes before the fall, and the higher you are the longer you'll fall'. I always struggled with this concept a lot and always felt so bitter that she was belittling my accomplishments. It is a saying that really wrecked my confidence. Pride is a really good emotion in small doses, we should feel satisfied with what we have, what we've done, who we are and who we are with...this becomes negative when that pride is a selfish endeavour. Pride in the right context is having self-respect, but can become more like boastfulness as well. 6) Love does not dishonour others. Honour is respect, a central part of the DD life, it even makes up one of the 4 D's. We may not like decisions that are made, people we come across, people in our lives or at times ourselves, yet because we are loving beings we are already bound by the laws of LOVE, which may be brotherly, friendly, parental or romantic love, but love is love. 7) Love is not self seeking. DD is just not a lifestyle where ourself comes first, both parties put the others needs before their own - thats just how it naturally works. When one becomes self seeking the whole structure fails from the ground up, we cannot be looking after our own wants, needs, welfare and interests before the other. When the man does this it borders on abuse as discipline is first and foremost to release guilt, deter behaviours and teach respect; when it becomes about anger, revenge or even just without any consideration for her, it becomes a one way street to hurt and failure. When she just thinks of her own needs, wants and creates a character to achieve her own way, she is draining his abilities, emotions and needs for her own pleasure. She is creating a toxic environment that will eventually suffocate in selfishness. We need to be building up each other, caring for ourselves so we can care for others. 8) Love is not easily angered. The difference between abuse and discipline is often quite simply how it is done. IE - done in anger for revenge or to release frustration = abuse, done in complete calm, stable frame of mind and to release guilt and deter behaviour = discipline. When we truly love someone we try so much harder to watch our words and actions around them, we are more tolerant and are not led by emotions. From my own experience as a child I do struggle more with emotions, and I do lose my cool, however I know that this is a problem and is something that I try to contain or find other means of expelling it, I am not content with it and realise how it affects others. 9) Love keeps no record of wrongs. This is one area where any DD relationship just trumps Vanilla completely. Most are drawn to this life as they feel that need for accountability in their life. Accountability is also the thing that brings on discipline in many forms, but once this is complete we feel a sense of relinquishment of guilt and we know the record has been scratched. We are able to move on knowing our man has punished us and moved on. By experience I know that in a vanilla relationship (parental and romantic) when issues aren't dealt with they are regurgitated over and over, used to guilt trip and manipulate; really not a healthy way of living - but this isn't God's way, He wants us to find freedom. 10) Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. In short, we are not to set our parter up to fail, we do not create temptation that causes them to do wrong. We rejoice with them when they succeed, building them up not pulling them down. 11) Love always Protects. I mean, another one of the basis for DD right? We are in this to protect each other, in different means and forms - but protect all the same. The 4 D's fall into this really well (read other blog post), Disobedience, Dishonesty, Dangerous behaviour, Disrespect...they are all around remaining safe, maintaining ourselves and building up a better person. Though the man isn't generally spanked in a CDD relationship he still follows the D's and leads by example. 12) Love always trusts. Trust is a HUGE concept and something that I massively struggle with. There are so many aspects of this relationship where the breaking of trust would just be so detrimental to it. I cannot list them all as we'd all be here all day, but the two that stand out to me personally are as follows. I have never understood the concept of pushing limits, I figure that if I get spanked it's because of my behaviour, I need a man that will spank me to a point where he knows the message has been taken in, the guilt has gone and the repeat of behaviour is deterred. If he doesn't know where to stop without me needing to use a safeword, I do not trust him to have me in an incredibly vulnerable position, physically and emotionally. The man needs to have a sense of trust that his woman will own up to her actions without him needing to seek everytime. He cannot be there watching her 24/7 so she needs to trust him enough to tell him both her successes and failures, knowing that he will only react in her best interest and that she has only enhanced his trust in her through being completely honest - and trustworthy. In this lifestyle, we do live in secrecy. I know in my own case, certain people finding out would literally ruin me,,,,and the career path I have chosen, as people living on the outside just don't get our way of life, they see it as a form of abuse. We therefore need to be trustworthy with our words, actions and not acting out in revenge or anger. Love always hopes, Love always perseveres. We don't give up at the first struggle, we learn to love, learn to be with each other, learn to nurture each others qualities and we water the grass where we are not always looking over the bridge. LOVE NEVER FAILS
Oh boy, where do I start? i have had some limited experience in the lifestyle. I’ve received a few adult spankings, and some other genuine punishments. I’ve grown accustomed to having rules and I rely on them. Being single, and not having any rules or discipline has made life more difficult than it was before I had experienced those things. I’m a Christian woman that has been seeking a CDD relationship for years. I actually found Christ because I entered into a DD relationship with a Christian man. It’s amazing how life works so strangely that way. anyways, Im not sure how else to introduce myself. Im pretty boring. so yeah, nice to meet everyone lol