RossCaliban

I'll use the "both" label because I have done both - it's inaccurate in the sense that I've only been on the receiving end in the last five or six years. I've explained it to partners as that I don't identify with a certain role, so much as I just enjoy spanking.

My partner's in a situation similar to yours, where it's a kink that she entertains. And yes, because it's still weird to her, she doesn't understand how I'm processing it without some kind of feedback.

dmirk may be on to something - we're basically announcing our ages, without announcing our ages. But to keep the trend alive, I was really into Evanescence at 16.

Well then, Rook - welcome back.

There is, as I can see, one situation where the ER should know what the EE is feeling, and that's when either the EE or both parties are entirely unfamiliar with the situation and don't know how to express themselves. I've never been in relationships with spankos, just with partners who were "curious". If the ER goes too forceful too quickly because they don't know any better, that partner's curiosity dries up very quickly.

Hi, Mark. This is similar to the conclusion I came to a few years back - when I first brought spanking into my relationships, I acted as an ER, but when I turned out to be pretty bad at it so I switched roles hoping to find out what I was doing wrong. That said, I don't agree entirely with your premise... even if an ER takes the place of an EE to learn how much a spanking hurts, they're not going to feel the same thing the EE does. If your EE going to have a greater/lesser pain tolerance? Do they prefer thuddy or stingy implements? Do they get off on being spanked? Switching roles can be the beginning of understanding, but I think that clear communication between parties can do more.

I'm hesitant to offer my two cents, I don't know either you or this N, and I haven't been in a domestic discipline arrangement like you had with her. My relevant experience here is a former significant other with a certain fixation, and that might be similar enough. As you described it, N was using DD to manage her urges and modify her behaviour - things which are typically part of a therapist's bailiwick (And you mentioned she had/has been seeing a therapist as well, which solidifies my theory a bit). A younger N might have seen someone like you as a therapist-with-benefits at the time, and then was left feeling used when you wanted to change your dynamic for your own gratification. Understand, I think you did your due diligence as a kinkster, but she wasn't approaching your relationship as a kink. How to avoid this situation? I can't say for sure, but it would help to establish what both parties are getting out of the DD arrangement.

I've found spicy food to be an acquired taste, requiring the taster to build up a tolerance. Liking spicy food doesn't mean liking all spicy food, so one needs to know where to draw one's limits. Now, I don't have any particular fondness for spicy food - but my S.O. does, and since she's not a spanko, it's made for a good analogy.