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needsdirection

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    30
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  • Age
    36
  • Location
    Chicago
  • Gender
    Male
  • Experience
    Regular
  • Role
    Spankee
  • Looking for
    Friendships
    Support
    A Mentor/ Teacher
    Discipline Dynamic
    Casual Spanking
    A Relationship
    A Dominant
    Just Chatting
    Roleplay
  • Spanker/ spankee preference?
    Female
    Female Spanker
  • Sexual Orientation
    Straight
  • Relationship
    Single
  • D/s Dynamic(s)
    Spanko

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  1. This has never happened to me, nor do I think it would be possible. While I do get aroused during the lead up to the spanking, as soon as the pain starts sinking in, my excitement goes away very quickly and complete agony starts to kick in. I suspect this is because I'm not a masochist and don't particularly enjoy pain in and of itself. I do, however, become aroused after the spanking is finished, but usually it takes awhile for that to happen, certainly not until the agonizing pain starts to subside.
  2. From a spankee's standpoint, I feel like being spanked is a stress reliever in several different ways. For me, I work in a high stress job and environment where I'm usually the one in charge and have to make a lot of high-stakes decisions. I'm also constantly delegating and telling people what to do. So being spanked is like the exact opposite of what I'm doing in my daily everyday life. It allows me to escape these pressures. The tables are turned, I'm no longer the one in charge, and it's me who has to take directions and be told what to do. On the one hand, this can be frustrating, because I tend to really like being the one in control. But, on the other hand, this can be very liberating for me, at the same time. I'm forced to just give in and take it, no matter how unpleasant it may feel. The other way I feel like spanking is a stress relief is due to my own issues with needing to be humbled. As a man, I feel a lot of external societal pressure to act a certain way. For instance, a lot of people expect men to be tough, macho, not show weakness, not to show their emotions, to be in control, to be decisive, etc. So I often feel like I'm putting up a front, which can be stressful. When I'm being spanked, there is no place for any of that stuff. No matter how tough I try to act and no matter how much I try to fight showing my emotions, the spanker always wins out. I find myself giving in, crying out, wiggling around in pain, borderline crying. I'm no longer the big tough guy in charge. This can be a huge relief in many ways. I'm forced to confront this side of me and to let it all out. Lastly, I feel like I probably have too much pride and I can definitely be too modest about how others perceive me. For instance, I don't like feeling vulnerable in my everyday life, which causes me to be rather private about certain things, such as disrobing and revealing myself. It's not that I'm ashamed about my body, rather, I think it has more to do with wanting to be in control. I'm trying to retain my modesty and cover myself up which, in many ways, is me trying to control other people's perceptions of how they see me. When I'm forced to reveal myself for a spanking, especially in front of a fully clothed woman, it makes me feel extremely vulnerable. It feels like she's getting the best of me; she can now see me in this fully exposed state and there's nothing I can do about it but comply and allow her to look as much as she pleases. Although it makes me cringe to suffer through this embarrassment, I definitely think it's therapeutic and stress-relieiving for me, as well. It allows me to let my guard down and let go of these everyday pressures of modesty. It's very humbling for me and I think I truly benefit from being humbled every once in awhile. It keeps me grounded and down-to-earth.
  3. I definitely remember my most painful. It hurt so unbelievably bad and I was just trying my hardest to keep my composure, praying that it would be over as soon as possible. I was on all fours on top of the bed. It got to the point where I started to panic. I began to doubt whether I could contine. I started squirming around, audibly moaning in pain and apologizing profusely, but the spanks just kept on coming. At some point, I collapsed onto the bed. I was hoping so bad that the disciplinarian would take pity on me, but I was sadly mistaken. I then heard her dreaded words, "Back into position. Stick that butt out and spread those legs apart." Once I heard those words, it was like a tide shifted. Up until that point, I was trying to fight it the whole time. But now it really started to sink in that she was fully in charge and I fully realized I was not in control. I did as I was told, started to give in, and accepted my punishment. It left me feeling extremely humble and kind of defeated. But it was a very good lesson for me. Oddly enough, I think once you get to the point where you stop trying to fight it, then it make things a little easier. Unfortunately, I don't know how to get into that mental state before or in the beginning of a spanking. I should add that this was with a disciplinarian I trusted. I wouldn't recommend this approach to just anybody. Limits should definitely be respected. I knew she might push my limits but that I was in good hands and that she wasn't going to injure me.
  4. Ugh, commenting on it for any reason really ratchets up the embarrassment factor for me. If I have an erection, its definitely beforehand and it immediately dissipates as soon as the spanking starts. I assume this is because I'm not a masochist and I absolutely dread the pain of a spanking. It's like I can't focus on anything else but the sting. Once that kicks in, I'm just focusing on doing whatever I can to make the spanking end quickly; e.g. Immediate compliance, apologies, promises to be good, kicking, wiggling, moaning, whining, crying... lol I pull out all the stops. There is no room in my mind for excitement during that time.
  5. I believe that consistent discipline and accountability that includes spanking can help break bad habits and I will explain why. There are studies which suggest that it takes approximately 6 weeks to implement a change in one's lifestyle. Earlier this year, I put this idea to the test. I have always been a notoriously late sleeper. I'd wait until the last possible minute to wake up and get ready for work. This caused me to be rushing around, panicking, and stressing every single day so I wouldn't be late. So one day, I attempted to break this habit. I told myself that for at least the next 6 weeks, I'm going to wake up early, before a certain time, every single day. I worked really hard and was able to maintain my goal. By week 4, waking up early had started to feel very natural to me. I still continued through week 6. It's now been 6 months since I tried this experiment and I honestly am no longer that person who wakes up at the last minute for work. It's happened only a few times. Now, I did this with my own will power, not using spanking as a motivation. However, some people just have a hard time getting started with changing their habits, or they tend to fall off and not stick with their plans. So I highlight this to show that spanking could actually be used to help people get over the hump and to start implementing a practice like this into their lifestyle. It can also serve as a deterrent to help maintain this new practice. A spanking (or even repeated spankings), by itself, might not help as much unless there is also a good plan in place with a disciplinarian who will make sure that you both get on track and stay on it. It also requires the will power to want to change, as others have mentioned.
  6. This is a great question. I'm definitely a combination of both thoroughly embarrassed and humbled by spanking. But I'm not embarrassed in a way that's psychologically harmful, if that makes sense. There is an understanding by the spanker that spankings are inherently very embarrassing for me. As such, embarrassment will be intentionally used as a deterent. But I know the embarrassment is temporary, it's being used in a safe place with someone I trust, and that there's not going to be any judgment from the spanker. But one thing I've always found interesting is how much context matters in terms of feeling exposed and becoming embarrassed. For instance, when I'm disrobing in front of a partner for a strictly sexual encounter, I really don't feel vulnerable, shy, or embarrassed whatsoever. I think it's because we're both going to disrobe, we're both going to see each other naked, and we're pretty much on the same playing field. But during a spanking encounter, I'm overcome by feelings of vulnerability, shyness, self-consciousness, modesty, and feelings of being exposed. The fact that the spanker is fully clothed really enhances those feelings. I think it might be partly due to the element of power/control. For instance, I'm now being placed in an unfair disadvantage. I'm the only one who is disrobed, she can fully stare at and ogle me as much as she likes, but I can't do the same thing to her. She has all her privacy and modesty, but I no longer have that privilege. I have no control over what she sees or how she sees me. And all of the focus now feels like it's on me. Very much like @rubyredd put it, it makes me feel "on display." Further, I'm the one that's going to have something done to me (i.e. having my bottom spanked), vs. perhaps the other way around during a sexual encounter where either I'm either the more active party or we're both equally doing things to each other. All of this makes me feel quite vulnerable. At the same time, it's also extremely humbling, as well.
  7. There are many things I fear aside from the obvious pain and embarrassment. I fear having to face a disciplinarian knowing that I let her down. That's never fun at all. I know she is putting the time and effort to help with my improvement, and I feel terrible for not living up to my side of the bargain. Also, when I do something I feel guilty about, I have a tendency to repress or ignore it. But when it's time for discipline, I fear how the spanker is going to make me confront that misbehavior head on. We're now going to have to talk about it, in depth. I'm going to have to confess, admit what I did wrong, talk about it, own up to it, and I'm not going to be able to use excuses or talk my way out of it, like I normally do in my everyday life. She is going to address it to make sure it doesn't happen again. I also really fear the loss of control, along with the loss of privacy and modesty. Those are just some of the things that really stand out for me.
  8. @Vanilla Apologies for the delayed reply. Regarding whether it would be considered emotional cheating, I think the answer is highly subjective. It could be, and it also could not be, depending on your definition of emotional cheating. Since I'm a little devil who needs a good spanking, I will play devil's advocate and argue that it's not emotional cheating, just for the sake of argument. Take for instance if you were to see a therapist or a psychologist. In that type of interaction, you're opening up to them about certain things you might not feel comfortable discussing with your signifcant other and there is a lot of emotional vulnerability. Or, you might be sharing the same types of things with your best friend. Is that considered emotional cheating? I guess possibly, in a sense, it could be. A somewhat similar type of thing might be happening when you meet with a disciplinarian. You might be confessing certain things you feel guilty about, perhaps things you don't feel comfortable sharing with your significant other. For instance, you might feel guilty that you ate his donut and blamed it on the dog. Or maybe you just don't want to point out to your significant other all the little character flaws you feel guilty about. I do want to say that I'm not a psychologist/therapist/etc. and I'm totally just thinking out loud here. Someone in this field might tell me that I have no business comparing a spanking interaction and an interaction with a therapist. As to your other question, yes, I personally believe think you can have this relationship while having a different significant other. In the past, I've been in vanilla relationships where I had a great connection with that person (e.g. romantically, sexually, and emotionally, etc.), yet had no desire to be spanked by that person for a variety of reasons, including that I didn't believe she'd be willing to, nor that she was capable of, disciplining me. I definitely felt as though I could form a spanking connection with an outside disciplinarian where there didn't need to be the same type of connection as that in a vanilla relationship. As many people here can attest, it is difficult to find a spanking partner, let alone one where you're both on the same page regarding the types of spankings you are into. Adding another layer to that, it can be equally difficult finding a romantic partner that you really click with. So you can imagine the difficulties of finding partner that you click with both romantically and also in regards to your spanking interests. It can be like searching for a unicorn, lol. Kudos to those of you here who have found your unicorns, by the way. The big question is whether your significant other feels comfortable with you seeing an outside disciplinarian. Nobody else can really answer that question for you. It depends on them. The best thing you can do is fully explain your disciplinary needs and your rationale as to why it isn't emotional cheating. You'd need to fully assure them that it will not affect your relationship in any way, and that it could even strengthen your relationship. If they are still not accepting of this, then I believe you absolutely should respect their wishes. In all relationships, you have to set up certain boundaries with each other as to what each of you consider acceptable behavior. If your significant other considers that unacceptable, then you definitely shouldn't cross that boundary. If my significant other came to me with the above explanation, I'm a very open-minded, understanding person and I think I'd be OK with it. Yet, I bet many people would not be. Whether you should break up with them if you cannot get the discipline you're seeking, that's quite difficult to answer. It depends on a lot of factors, including how well your relationship is, how much you truly value it, and how invested you are. You'd have to think really hard about that one. Hopefully that helps a little bit. It's definitely quite a paradox and there is no easy answer to these types of questions.
  9. Lol, yes whatever she wants or feels most comfortable wearing. But if you're asking what my personal preference is: I honestly prefer that she is dressed regularly, which might sound boring. I really like the clothed-female-naked-male CFNM approach to spanking, as I feel it hightlights the predicament I'm in (i.e. Clothes, privacy, and modesty are a privilege for those that behave). Not being able to see her in something revealing strengthens the power dynamic for me. If we're both disrobed in some way, then that would just be more fair. But as any spankee knows, life is not supposed to be fair when you're being punished, lol. Also, the whole leather outfit get up is not my thing. That just makes it feel too much BDSM-ish. With all that being said, again, it's all about what the spanker prefers. If wearing something like that makes her feel more sexy, more comfortable, more powerful, or puts her in a particular headspace, then she should absolutely go for it and it would not be an issue for me.
  10. Just the physical act of being spanked does very little for me without good connection. Connection is huge. Aside from being able to trust the person, which is immensely important, I get the most out of it when the Woman spanking me understands what makes me tick from a psychological perspective and when she knows what buttons to push. It goes both ways, too. I really want to know what makes her tick, as well. It makes the experience so much better if I understand what she likes about spanking, what she likes to see, hear, and experience. I want to know that she is genuinely enjoying herself because that's what makes it the most fun for me. We don't need to be on the same exact page regarding every little aspect we enjoy about spanking, because that can be extremely hard to find, but if we are on the same page with a good handful of things, that makes for a very enjoyable experience.
  11. There is so much trust involved in these types of interactions. Ultimately, you should never be spanked by someone who you don't believe has your best interests in mind. You obviously want to make sure that this person truly cares about your health and well-being and that they won't do anything to injure you. Limits must be respected and they need to be clearly communicated ahead of time. It's definitely important to have a good amount or communication beforehand in order to build up trust. When you decide to finally meet someone in person for the first time, it should always be in a neutral, public place perhaps for a cup of coffee or dinner. You shouldn't plan to be spanked on that first meeting, which should be made clear. You don't want to feel pressured in any way. The first meeting is just an opportunity to get a better feel for that person. You need to rely on your instincts, which will be much better when you meet with someone in person. Once you've properly vetted the person and you feel comfortable going forward with the spanking, you really just have to take the plunge. Of course there will be nerves and fear. It's kind of like jumping off a diving board. You have to jump without really thinking. Just go for it.
  12. Implements: No use of the Cane, switch, razor strap, or single-tail whips. There are many other painful implements aside from these that will more than adequately get your point across with me. Marks: anything that involves breaking the skin, raised welts, blood, or abnormally heavy bruising is off limits. Clothing: Diapers and adult-baby attire are off-limits for me. However, making me wear certain types of clothing for purposes of embarrassing me is fair game. Spanking other areas of the body: I prefer to keep all whacks to the bottom area (sit spots, upper thighs, between the crack, and all fatty parts of the bottom are fair game). I will also tolerate some pain to the genital areas, such as firm squeezing or light/medium flicks. All other parts of the body are off limits. Public play: I will tolerate some public play as long as it wouldn't make a member of the public feel uncomfortable. For instance, I can tolerate shopping for embarrassing things, a threat of a spanking, and maybe even a swat on the butt, at most. But I would not feel comfortable receiving a full blown spanking in the middle of the store in front of everyone. I definitely want to be respectful. Miscellaneous: Blackmail; hateful and/or mean-spirited degradation (such as being called worthless, scum, etc.); and bondage. I'm fine if you want to put me in a leg-lock and pin my arm behind my back, but I don't want to be tied up with rope or anything like that.
  13. OUCH! The crack might hurt just as bad as the sit spot for me. A sharp smack in that area can be jolting. It definitely makes me tense up and lose my breath. It also makes you feel more defeated if you have to willingly assist the spanker by holding your cheeks apart.
  14. I live in Chicago, and even here it can be difficult to find a Woman to spank me. I feel bad for those who aren't living in a big metropolitan area. I agree with what the others above have said regarding the difficulty of finding someone who is also on the same page as you with respect to your specific interests. That's an additional challenge. But it's important to have patience and not give up trying. Eventually you'll find someone. I also agree that I did have a lot more success when Craigslist still had the personals section. I feel like it was easier to reach a larger audience than on a kink-specific website. It's too bad they removed that feature.
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