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Status Updates posted by rubyredd

  1. The Wooden Spoon - do you love it or loathe it? Why? What makes the wooden spoon so effective and so popular?  How do you like to use it?

    This drawing, by Paula Meadows, could be an illustration of my most recent spanking meet-up. Though I was not wearing stockings and she was not in a cardigan. But you get the point. 

    We initially planned to try a roleplay scene - just to break the ice; but, we started laughing a bit and I suggested we scrap the roleplay and she could just try out implements and whatnot. So she did - and we had a great time. The most memorable part of the implement exploration phase was with the wooden spoon. Fast, snappy swats that focused heavily on my sit-spot, thighs, and cleft... just right!

    It was so exciting to meet with someone just starting to explore her Toppy side. It was also ridiculously fun to explore fantasies and even check-off a few bucket list items. More about that another time. 


    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Spankalogical


      It is everywhere and can be hidden easily. It is thin, versitile, and in many sizes. It's an impliment of both convinenece and opportunity by many, and small enough to where it will not leave many lasting impressions except the ones inside the mind.

      Easily one of the first "kinkables" someone will probably start out with because every house will have at least some form of Plastic or wooden mixing spoon.

    3. DaChief


      I love the wooden spoon. Great for sit spots and those nooks and crannies where thighs and buttock meet. Perfect along the cleft. It's a very useful tool. Not that I'm evil or anything, but I love using it with a good snap of the wrist. Makes for an adorable spanky dance when the lady is back on her feet. 🤩

      Okay, I am evil. In a delightfully charming way. 😈

    4. Jaded


      I love using the wooden spoon. I’m half Italian, so it’s in my blood 🤷‍♀️

  2. So, one thing I have really enjoyed lately is being spanked in front of someone else (obviously another consenting spanko). Does anyone else enjoy being spanked - or giving a spanking - in front of a witness? What do you like about it? 

    For me, I love the sense of exposure and added vulnerability that comes from having a witness.

    If you have not been spanked like this in real-life, would you consider it? 


    1. Show previous comments  14 more
    2. DanW


      I have been spanked with two women before, and I would definitely do it again.  I love the exposure and also all of the different reactions.

    3. KentuckyGuy


      It is on my spanking bucket list to do this.

    4. Geoffreaux


      I would liked to be spanked first, before I delve into yet another fantasy. 😎

  3. Today's topic is something I know absolutely nothing about, but I am interested in learning more from those spankos who do... Age Regression

    I do not regress. I never feel like a "little girl" - just as a woman who is spanked. I have always been spanked in the context of M/F (and now F/F) relationships - whether dating or just friends.

    Even in roleplay, I feel like a woman pretending to be a cheerleader or schoolgirl or Daphne from Scooby Doo. 

    Do you regress during a spanking? Are you into age play or DDLG (or the equivalent)? Do you like to roleplay scenes or does it just happen?

    [Might be hard to do with this topic, but please keep it in the realm of adult consensual.]


    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. rubyredd


      Thanks for the responses. I may never see the appeal of true age play or regression within my personal spanking life, but it is interesting to learn about my fellow spankos. 

      @DiscreetSpanko8- I am so jealous right now. That sounds incredibly fun and total fantasy fulfillment for me. 

    3. Naughtysparky


      We have role played where I’m caught looking at porn. Like a mother catching her son. Then she looks at the screen and says spanking porn. Well young man we shall see if you truly like that. Then she takes care of business 

    4. DiscreetSpanko8


      @rubyreddit was incredibly fun! Certainly not the most intense spanking relationship I've been in, but definitely one of the most purely fun partners. I was a stage actor in my late teens early twenties and I still take a lot of delight in role-play scenes and costuming for a part. More outlandish the better. I defy anyone to top my captain Cutler ghost pirate with a paddle outfit lol

  4. I really want to talk about the spanking meet-up I had this weekend, but there is too much to tell for a Monday morning. So, let's talk about mid-spanking behavior. 

    I have found that - even when I go into a spanking well-behaved and agreeable - I get a bad attitude in the middle of the spanking. Why?

    Bottoms - Does anyone else react this way? It is like I become more willful as I am getting spanked.

    Tops - How do you push past tantrums or any obstinance that occurs during a spanking? Have you had this happen? 


    1. Show previous comments  8 more
    2. DiscreetSpanko8


      @rubyreddany technique in place of topping from the bottom is always welcome:) given that it seems to be an involuntary reaction you're trying to curb during discipline sessions I do not, unfortunately, have any specific ideas for you. I've never been one to relinquish control willingly so I'm definitely the wrong one to give any advice on this. I'm sure however, that @Lotsapappais correct in his belief that you'd be a super fun spankee;) any reaction, even one guaranteed to annoy a top, is better than no/minimal reactions, at least from my perspective.  I can certainly see how your actions may result in much more severe punishment spankings than you would end up getting if you behaved yourself throughout too!

    3. Lotsapappa


      @Rubyredd- I really cannot imagine being an exhausted top. I can easily imagine just not willing to go as hard as you likely can take. I cannot say I have experience  any EE’s even close to that. 

      I went through several phases when I was young as EE the women , very experienced and well equipped implements ER, went full throttle on me. My skin seemed to become leathery and a saddle bag appearance. I had to semi-retire for awhile and space that level intensity out. Do you have that same issue? It is likely you were once a fierce warrior in a previous lives. Try throwing a spear or sling shot a rock - you might find you are a natural. 

    4. Jaded


      If this was happening during a discipline session, I would stop for a brief corner time session, and lecture about the reason for this spanking.  I’d then give a warning of what would happen if this behavior continued for the rest of the spanking.  (Depending on reason for spanking, this could be a variety of things, from adding additional punishment/ added swats/ etc). 

  5. Tops & Bottoms: When you are preparing to meet a new spanking friend, what do you worry about? 

    My greatest spankee fear is that the Top will think I am not fun to spank. I always want it to be fulfilling and enjoyable for both of us. Even for discipline, I want the Top to enjoy the experience. 

    After that, I obsess a bit about panty selection. LOL


    1. Show previous comments  9 more
    2. Azz_Tamer


      I think it's hoping that whatever chemistry we had in prior conversations play out during the actual meeting/spanking.

      Typically I want to spank hard enough to challenge & cause some squirming without being too harsh & overwhelming. I think most spankees want to know they were definitely spanked & satisfied their bottom is tender to sit on for a few days, no matter how much they protest during the spanking. The only exception to that might be giving someone a first time spanking  then I'd tend to be more careful.

    3. rubyredd


      @alyssandra- same here... I always think about what my partner is experiencing. 

    4. alyssandra


      Birds of a feather!

  6. I continue to question my need for real discipline. I use need here intentionally - to differentiate from want. I think that is a separate discussion, but maybe it shouldn't be.

    I haven't had a disciplinary partner since February, but I can't really see any noticeable differences in my behavior (getting worse, out of control, misbehaving in different ways). But intentional misbehavior isn't really my issue - I don't go out and break the law or act in totally irresponsible ways (usually). I don't get speeding tickets or whatever other things typically lead to a punishment in spanking stories. It is in the realm of mundane daily self-discipline where I struggle.

    Most of you know that I am a runner and am triathlon training. No, not competitively - just for fun - but, I still need to be purposeful in order to reach personal goals. I struggle with staying of track. I struggle with aspects of my nutritional plan. I don't get enough sleep. And so on.

    These are all things I can (and usually do) regulate on my own. But, it is exhausting managing it myself. The aspect of accountability I needed most was having someone else be in charge of those things. I need to be able to give up control. I need to be held accountable. I need someone to guide me. Maybe. Or maybe not.

    Do I really need a disciplinarian if I am able to self-regulate most of the time? My need for spanking is absolute - it is both a want and a need and is not something I doubt or question. But... discipline? Is that still a need?


    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. HeartnBottomWarmer


      Dear Rubyredd  I used to be a marathon runner. So I can relate to you. At least you are questioning yourself, and your life. This is a good start. Most folks dont even do this.

      Regarding your self discipline, and all that, fine. But regarding your activity (or behavior, if you will) You can forget about mountain climbing  and find real truth and direction in your life.

      But it sounds like you are just interested in mountain climbing right now. That's cool. Where ever you are at. But someday you may be reborn, so to speak. Mountain climbing will no longer have any meaning to you.

      This is what I mean by being clueless. Not using the term clueless in a derogatory sense. Just a fact.

      We dont know what we dont know.

      I would not be so sure about things if I were you. You have no idea....

    3. rubyredd


      Well, that was a bunch of nonsensical gibberish. 

    4. HeartnBottomWarmer


      This attitude of yours is exactly what I am referring to about you. Thank you for confessing this publicly.

      Best wishes....



  7. What happens when a spanking situation becomes a battle of wills? What level of struggling is appropriate?

    Bottoms: Do you ever put up a fight during a spanking? How do you struggle, if at all? What is the expected outcome?

    Tops: How do you react when an EE puts up a fight / struggle? Any specific experiences to share? What behavior is tolerated and what is not?

    Personally, I love to move during a spanking - I don't usually try to get away, but I will kick and squirm if I am able to. Those reactions are mostly involuntary or part of trying to alleviate the sting or exercise my frustration at not getting my way. But, sometimes I will put up a fight and resist and attempt to control the spanking situation.


    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. DiscreetSpanko8


      @rubyreddregarding the "battle of wills" its dependent on the situation. If it were in the context of an established dd relationship, then it would probably be a nice spicy addition to things, and  I'm always up for that. Likewise, looking at it from a playful and/or funishment situation I could see it being an enjoyable addition to whatever dynamic we had. The thing is, I remember a discussion or 2, thought it was here but it may have been another site, where this topic was brought up and some folks seemed to think that "winning" the battle of wills was nigh all-important. And if so then ok, but for me it isn't. My "win" is an enjoyable session with my partner. If she's just not feeling it, well, another time. If it's playful or just general brattiness then by all means, let the battle commence! Typically it's not an issue for me because I take a while to get to know anyone I'm going to play with and by the time things get physical she already knows what I'm about and vice versa. 


      Regarding line crossing, if it's a reach back either restraints get used or, if those are impractical due to availability or something, I'll hold her wrists in my left hand. If it's a case of too much thrashing around, usually a position adjustment to a leg lock. Whatever adjustment is made, the force and/or tempo usually increases unless it's pure funishment. Even for those the duration is gonna increase. There needs to be some penalty otherwise it's anarchy;) . *Shrug* I play with safewords only, so if she really needs me to stop then she can stop me at any point. Likewise if I think a session should stop then it does. 


    3. rubyredd


      @DifferentialP- I am with you... I think a little struggle keeps it interesting.

      @TigerGowan- hope you are recovering well and following doctor's orders. That's the thing - I wouldn't put up a fight if implied or explicit consent wasn't understood. Communication is especially important. 

      @FtWorthOTK55- I always enjoy your descriptions of what you love about spanking. I often feel the same. Oddly, I have giggled during a spanking, too... even though it really hurts. 

      So, weird thing... I might actually go willingly and without fuss into the spanking, but start fighting in the middle. The spanking is well underway, but that is when I decide to force my way out of it. 

    4. Lotsapappa


      Although more an EE, when I get chance as ER it does not come as natural. Using the Lead Follow dance approach, when she leads kicking or throwing hand back, I try to follow with in a prepared way. So Over lap, push her forward so both hands in front on floor, or kicking legs make her keep toes on floor. If erotic goal, press her into your junk, if punishment don’t. Switch otk raises her bottom higher exposes better potentially harsher with leg lock switch straddle. Get a or make a monkey fist knot small one for wrist large one waist - the leverage you get amazing. Under your arm position or knee raised on chair legs arms dangling immobilizes or negates any movement. All this assumes ER physically larger stronger and is Following her Lead correctly  but has the steps worked out depending upon her movements and where you both are on the erotic-pain/pleasure - punishment scale. Have to be aligned on that scale on step to left one if not certain. 

  8. What position do you prefer for leather straps or belts? Are you a fan of the laying-flat position? Or, do you have another position you use for these implements? What do you like about that position?


    1. Show previous comments  2 more
    2. Lotsapappa


      Agree with comments above. As EE, you can take more intensity in that position but if ER isn’t very experienced cover the lower back. ER hair is perfect but her top too restrictive, where is the leather glove on right hand ? belt to flimsy and marks should go down 3-4 inches lower and be welts/stripes. But great position if you can go hard and ER is petite. 

    3. DaChief


      From a visual perspective, bent over a chair or table is best. It makes the bottom into a tempting target, especially if the EE is up on tip toes. From a practical perspective, that doesn't always work for me because I'm a really tall guy. So unless the spankee is near 6 foot, or over 6 foot, my swing may not be accurate in that position. For the sake of accuracy and safety, lying down on the bed is the more practical use case. Life's little trade-offs I guess. 

    4. Azz_Tamer


      I really prefer kneeling on a sofa arm with head down on the cushions. Might have to be a bit athletic or fit to do so & have a decent sense of balance as well. The focus required to stay in position means you will be in the proper position & not inadvertently squirming to cause a mis-hit

      Laying on a bed or laying over the arm of a sofa works as well & likely a good option for the majority of spankees. Maybe adding a pillow or two under to get the perfect height & angle.

  9. In honor of summer and shorts season, let's talk about thighs.

    Tops: Do you spank the thighs or do you reserve swats for the bottom's bottom only? How far down do you go? 

    Bottoms: How do you feel about swats to the thighs? How far down is far enough?


    1. Show previous comments  10 more
    2. rubyredd


      I am a supporter of thigh swats - for me, personally, of course. With hand or wooden spoon, most of the thigh is open for smacks. With heavier wooden implements, a well-placed swat works wonders. Certain implements - leather straps, ruler, switch - can definitely be used on my thighs. 

      A good handspanking, to me, needs to cover a lot of territory... mid-bottom to mid-thigh with lots of focus on the sit-spot. 

    3. indisgrace


      @rubyreddYes, yes and indeed ... yes

    4. ukspanko


      I have a personal limit of not liking having my legs spanked unless I've been asked. It's my equivalent of the Van Halen m+m rule...it basically means the spanker has taken note of what I've said. 

  10. Tan lines - yes or no?

    I am on vacation and all my tan lines are in the wrong places (up top / in the front). I need to lay out on my tummy and get my tan lines in the right places.


    1. Show previous comments  11 more
    2. KentuckyGuy


      You definitely need bottom tan lines!

    3. DaChief


      Tan lines are fun for coloring in the blanks. 😁

    4. SETN


      Hummmm… I had to give this some thought. 

      1. Having no tan lines can be a unique indication of self confidence - and possibly a willingness to enjoy some slightly risqué fun in the sun.

      2. As DaChief said …adding some color to untanned spots can be interesting and fun. Obviously, it is much easier to add some redness to an untanned bottom.

      So… both tanned and untanned can attract attention- and be pleasurable (for me anyway).

  11. Tops: Do you lecture / scold during the spanking - or just before / after? How would you describe your scolding technique?

    Bottoms: How much scolding or talking do you want / need to hear during the spanking? Is there anything you don't want to hear?

    Switches: Answer whichever pleases you... or both.


    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. alyssandra


      As a spankee, I prefer the lecture before the spanking.  The focus during the spanking then becomes centered on the spanking itself.

    3. KentuckyGuy


      I don't plan it ahead of time.  I kght lecture before, during, or after, or any combination of them.

    4. RIspanko


      I prefer before and during. I very often  have the spankee in front of me as i look her in the eyes and hold her chin up as i lecture.  It is just to reinforce the reason   she is in the situation she is

  12. What does topping from the bottom mean to you? How do you define it and how does affect a spanking session?


    1. Show previous comments  7 more
    2. xntrick


      It depends on your definition of Topping from the bottom. I'm ok with a spankee asking to slow or speed up a spanking, but if they start to control the whole act that's when I'm done.

    3. Chastener


      I think xntrick has the right idea.  Certainly the idea is to make the spanking effective, and if a spankee has some suggestions, that's fine.  Of course, the suggestions must be made with appropriate courtesy, but otherwise they are OK.  The difficulty comes when the spankee starts to push the envelope, to make demands, although they may not be phrased quite that way.  The skill of the spanker in nipping this in the bud will go a long way to establishing boundaries.  If, however, it continues, the only options may be to address it directly or to end the relationship.  It's that serious.

    4. Gator


      its a concept that shouldnt exist, not really, and especially not in this context. it suggests a Dom/sub dynamic between spanking partners, and thats a dynamic that is most definitely not required for a good spanking session (or several). case in point, I had a good thing going for awhile, giving spankings to someone identifies herself as a Domme.  she was not shy about using her safewords when she felt the need, and I never felt like I was ever Dominating her (nor the reverse). but it was never in doubt who was giving the spanking and who was getting spanked and sent to the corner with pink cheeks! :D

  13. The more I consider and question my need for discipline, the more I recognize my need for ancillary consequences. @AfterGeometry posed a great question on the General Discussion Board about why spanking works. The conclusion for me is that spanking can work in many ways - beyond discipline. But, for discipline to be effective, I need ancillary consequences: corner time, loss of privileges, mouthsoaping, lines and essays, early bedtime, etc.

    I can be spanked and five minutes later want to be spanked again. So, a disciplinary partner would need to be creative to make a impression.

    Tops: How have you used ancillary consequences? Do you have a favorite?

    Bottoms: What ancillary consequence do you dread the most?

    *How odd...I have the exact plaid pants shown in this drawing. 


    1. Show previous comments  17 more
    2. bare4brush


      AG, that was r/spanking, a bit less than two weeks ago.



    3. AfterGeometry


      @rubyreddSounds good!  Might need multiple options/outfits though lol+! 😝





    4. Chastener


      @Chastener- what is "inappropriate" really? 🙄🙄🙄

      Why,anything I say it is, rubyredd.That's the good part (for me, at least).


  14. Being spanked while standing has a powerful impact on me personally.  Particularly a few hard, fast swats or unexpected attitude adjusters. A spanking like that can be just as effective from a disciplinary standpoint as a lengthy session OTK.

    Do you like to deliver a spanking when the spankee is standing? What position is your preference: touching toes, hands-on-knees, upright, tucked under your arm, etc.?


    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. AfterGeometry


      It's the sudden, unexpected part that you find so titillating, no?  An almost instantaneous correction.  As soon as the offending words leave your lips you feel the sting.  I could imagine that would be stunningly effective. 

    3. rubyredd


      @AfterGeometry- yes, exactly... the immediacy certainly makes it effective and exciting.

      @DiscreetSpanko8- your descriptions are like what is in my mind, but from the other side.

      @RIspanko- interesting; so, are you face-to-face?

      @DifferentialP- if you said that to me, I would swoon... "watch yourself" is one of my top triggers.

      @indisgrace- one of my fave videos on SpankingTube uses the raised knee position and it is just perfect. I don't think I have experienced it, though. 

      @jelena53- touching toes / grabbing ankles has never been a favorite of mine... headrush!

    4. Llradiate


      One time after administering some spankings with my bare hand to a woman over my knee, I could tell she was getting toward the end, squirming, sighing, so I decided to push her to her limits a little bit. I had her bend over the side of the bed and gave her a few more with the bath brush. She later thanked me for doing that and told me it helped her feel like she was being “put in her place.”

  15. The Wood Edition - Please rank the following implements (1 = least favorite to 5 = most fave):

    • Hairbrush / HB-Style

    • School Paddle (holes or no holes)

    • Wooden Spoon

    • 18" Ruler / Spanking Stick

    • Ping Pong Paddle 


    1. Show previous comments  12 more
    2. JoJo513


      That bath brush can stay hidden! 
      fave: spoon



      ping pong paddle 

      least fave is a school paddle w holes *shudders

    3. goodboy_will


      @JoJo513  I agree on the bath brush and the school paddle (holes or no holes).    :behindsofa:      :hide:

    4. Spanknutt


      Well, for me it would be using them on someone. 

      1. (least favorite) hairbrush

      2. Ping pong paddle

      3. Wooden spoon

      4. School paddle

      5. Spanking stick (I make mine out of oak)

  16. So, as I continue to explore my own feelings toward disciplinary spanking, I have to wonder if maybe occasional punishment is better suited to my needs than consistent discipline.

    The driving force behind the desire for punishment seems to be my behaviors (or misbehaviors) that make me feel guilty or ashamed... losing my temper, being rude or sassy (other than purposeful brat-sass), etc. I begin to feel a need for confession and the cleansing power of a good spanking. I need to be lectured / scolded and corrected. 

    What makes a spanking a punishment? Would it make sense to mostly want fun spanking and still sometimes need to be spanked "for real"?


    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. redzonedefense_F


      A discipline spanking is based on a set agreement, hopefully always some time beforehand where the behavior that is problematic and the consequences of said behavior are clear and accepted by both parties.  If the behavior continues, it is understood that the consequence will increase in number of implements, etc.

    3. jelena53


      I find it very hard to rank these tools,  they all set my bottom on fire. To me 5 means the most pain and 1 is least painful.  But these tools - most depends on how are the spanker will swing them- his determination and strength. 

      1. least favorite:   school paddle  (I was paddle once in school)

      2.  spoon-- my ex use to aim a spoon at my sit spots repeatedly.

      3.  hairbrush-  my did the same with a hairbrush.

      4.  ping pong paddle-- that was used most often on my bottom while married

      5.  ruler,   he wasn't too effective with a ruler.  

    4. FtWorthOTK55


      The school paddle is my most favorite to use.  I have had a big interest since I was in school and used frequently.  I never cared much for using a wooden spoon.  Since it is not flat and provides impact to a smaller surface, a spoon is more likely to bruise.  I prefer turning a girl's bottom red to purple.  Rulers are usually too light to provide much of a spanking. 

      Hairbrushes are definitely effective, but I prefer the thinner ones that are more stingy than thuddy.  I don't like using actual ping pong paddles but do like using ping pong SHAPED paddles made of a solid wood.  Very stingy and usually the spankee is not bored while it is being applied.   So

      1.  school paddle

      2.  ping pong shaped paddle

      3.  hairbrush

      4.  ruler

      5.  wooden spoon 

  17. Real Hairbrush or Hairbrush-Style Paddle?

    Which do you prefer? If a real hairbrush, what material - wood or plastic? Does the shape make a difference?  If an HB-style paddle is your preference, what do you like about it? If you do not use hairbrushes, why not?

    Feel free to share a pic or description of your fave HB.


    1. Show previous comments  13 more
    2. Chastener


      I use plastic only when wood is not available.  And a hairbrush is a hairbrush, and a paddle is a paddle.  As to the latter, I prefer a ping-pong paddle (table tennis bat for you Britishers) but have occasionally used a drilled oaken one.

    3. jelena53


      My ex husband favorite spanking tool was  ping pong paddle too --Chastener. 

    4. Chastener


      jelena, there is something about a ping-pong paddle that is both intimate and serious.

  18. Please rank the following implements (1 = least favorite to 5 = most fave):

    • Belt

    • Strap

    • Leather Paddle or Riding Bat

    • Tawse or Quirt

    • Riding Crop or Flogger

    *Thanks @Azz_Tamerfor the fun idea.


    1. Show previous comments  11 more
    2. DiscreetSpanko8


      Since there's no edit button, a correction to my post. I meant to type that a strap ~lacks~ the psychological component of a belt in my experience. Not packs. 

    3. Azz_Tamer


      First off, I love the picture. An absolute favorite position I love to use.

      Now on to the ratings:

      5* The belt...while a strap is similar a belt being taken off, or slapped against your hand or doubled in half & "cracked" give it a psychological edge few implements have. As far as leather it's easily the best implement.

      4*  Leather paddle ...I agree a hand is essentially better or harder but the right leather paddle can give a beautiful even coloring of a backside. They also give a satisfying crack which adds to the proceedings.

      3* I'd have to go with the crop especially if using a set of them with different intensity tips. More sensual & erotic they can be used all over as great foreplay.

      2* Tawse or quirt ...perfer the quirt (if it is what I am thinking) as a small short whip...just fun

      1* Strap. The one I have has a wooden handle on it ...called a "prison strap". It's fairly harsh & not too useful for a session of any length ...more a novelty item to try IMHO  

    4. Azz_Tamer


      Oh thanks for the mention ...I am sure many people have many ideas of what might be a good topic for discussion or items to rank

  19. While chatting with another spanko about his situation - having a vanilla partner and being restricted in his ability to meet with other spankos - he said that I couldn't understand. That it was impossible for me. That it was all easier for me because I am so open and confident. At 42, you are damn right I am confident in my spankoness. I am comfortable with myself. I love my kink.

    But, you know when it wasn't easy? When I was 13 and 14 and 15. It wasn't easy when I was 18 or 19 or 20. It was so hard to be that weird, kinky girl that everyone in my small town seemed to know about. That boys talked about because gossip travels so quickly. Boys thought I was "fast" or "easy" - despite being a virgin - because they heard that I was kinky or they thought that what I liked was dirty or freaky or pervy.

    But, I was getting spanked by the two steady boyfriends I had throughout high school. And that was really what mattered. It hurt to be talked about and teased, but it would have hurt more to hide who I was. To squash down my spanko side. To be ashamed and afraid.

    College was the worst. A small, private school with just as much gossip. Just as much puritanical fear of kink. I went about 15 months without spanking (which might seem like nothing to many people, but was destructive to me). I drank more. I experimented with drugs. I lost my virginity to a *gasp* vanilla. I asked guys to spank me, but... nothing. Not having an outlet was destroying me. But, during that time I discovered spanking stories online. And I even had a phone call or two with a spanko named Dave from Massachusetts. He sent me a couple of Blue Moon books. I still have one somewhere.

    After I dropped out of college, I enlisted; I was finally able to explore more. I immersed myself in the world of online spanking through Spanking Memories (SIN) and wrote stories there. I met other spankos. I got spanked as often as possible. I made dear friends. And then I started a blog. Nothing deep or serious - just a place to express the joy I found in spanking.

    Because I do. Spanking is part of me. It is joyous. Yes, it hurts. Of course it hurts. But, living without spanking hurt even more.

    I made the decision in my 20s to only date other spankos. It was the best decision for me because I am ill-suited to the vanilla world. For the last 20 years of hanging out in the spankoverse, I have chatted with dozens of men and women who are in vanilla relationships. Some make it work by squashing down their spankoness. Some meet with other spankos on the side (in secret or in the open). Some are happy. More are not. And that matters to me. It matters that you are hurting or that you feel ashamed or misunderstood or like you cannot be yourself.

    And the reason it matters is because I was there once, too. I was depressed. I was hurting. I was lonely. I don't come here and pretend that being a spanko is easy, but this is a safe place to be who I am and I am glad I have this type of outlet again.

    I will always advocate that you be true to yourself and that you accept this part of who you are. It isn't likely to go away, so it is better to nurture it through exploration. And in the meantime, please do not assume that it was always easy for me to be the happy little spanko I am today.


    1. Show previous comments  6 more
    2. Longtimespanking


      Thank you very much for writing this.  There are obviously huge numbers of others who have gone through similar situations while we were younger, or are in that situation currently and old enough to seek outlets for their desires, and unable to find people to even talk to discreetly, let alone receive the spankings they so crave.  I've seen many times that entering college makes people more willing to try to find responsible sources to fulfill their needs.  

    3. Am123


      I feel this so much! 

      I was in a long term relationship with a vanilla girl in my early 20s, realised my spankoness about 6 months in. Tried to keep it suppressed for two years with little success. 

      I tried to date vanilla after it ended but nothing ever went anywhere. So about a year ago I made the same decision that you did to only date other spankos. I'm not sexually compatible with vanillas nor really interested in traditional sex at all. 

    4. Topspanker


      It’s actually pretty accurate. I actually got into the Spanko kink when I was 15. It literally just kinda landed on my lap. 
      As your starting out it’s really difficult and god forbid someone finds out. 

      The more you do it and interact with people the more the “taboo,” goes away.

      Some people do tend to not want to be around when they do find out, kink shaming etc but meh.
      Let haters hate, state I live in they do, but there daughters don’t seem to mind 😆

  20. This topic might be a little personal, but what role does erotic spanking have in your life? Does a spanking usually lead to sex (or sometimes / rarely / never)? How does erotic spanking differ from other types (for you)?


    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. DiscreetSpanko8


      I would say most spanking is erotic for me, and my partners of choice as well. That isn't to say it leads to sex, that's rarely the case tbh, but there is nearly always some element of eroticism. It's such an intimate act, especially since I prefer partners who have a similar outlook as myself in terms of spanking, that it just seems unavoidable most of the time. Which is, frankly, how I and most of my partners prefer it. Setting aside true disciplinary spankings, which I rarely provide, I spank because I enjoy it and my partners enjoy getting spanked. Doesn't mean we're going to have sex after, or before, or between; not that it's off the table if we're both interested. For some of us, spanking is equally or sometimes more satisfying than sex. Basically, while one doesn't preclude the other, and while any sexual relationship I'm in will probably involve spanking, either is nice, but my preference is for a good spanking session. 20 years ago you would've gotten a different answer. Or maybe not! That's how it works for me though.

    3. Rand E

      Rand E

      For my wife and me, erotic spanking is fore-lay for sex.  Disciplinary spanking leads to make-up sex, most of the time.  I'm not sure I could say that the make-up sex is because the disciplinary spanking is erotic, but it sure leads in that direction.  

    4. AfterGeometry
  21. What terms do you prefer?

    • Top / bottom, Spanker / Spankee, Dom / sub, little, etc. 

    What do you like to be called? Your name, Sir, Master...something else?

    I am a bottom (part-time brat); I like Top and bottom best. But, based on chat convo last night, others prefer ER/ee.


    1. Show previous comments  17 more
    2. FtWorthOTK55


      Some are looking for a Dom.  Others are looking for a Disciplinarian.  Not all Spankers are disciplinarians, so it may be better to specify what you are searching for in a Top or Spanker.   

    3. Rand E

      Rand E

      Actually, I need to make a correction.  When my wife misbehaves, I will refer to her as "young lady" even though I'm not much older than her.  There is something so sweet about that term that just lays the foundation for what is to come:  "We need to have a serious talk about that young lady."  Translated:  My paddle needs to have a serious dialogue with your bare behind, young lady.

      On the other hand, my wife does not refer to me as "young man" leading up to discipline.  She just gets pissed, yells at me kind of randomly, and commences with the beating.  Not so subtle, but, well, what can I say?  I kind of like it.  


    4. NYCOtk


      I’m still stuck on the illustration. Blushing cheeks and upturned, blushing buns. So old fashioned, that position. 

  22. *throws a wild party next door...

    1. DifferentialP


      Just wait smarty pants. You will pay for this.


  23. When I was a younger spanko, I really leaned toward disciplinary spanking and had little to no interest in purely erotic spanking. I was DD-oriented, at least in my expectations and what I desired from a long-term relationship. What I didn't wholly consider was that discipline (in the form of punishment spanking) was really not all I wanted.

    As a lifelong spanko, I love all types of spanking - but my preferences are heavily skewed toward fun and funishment rather than authentic discipline. That doesn't mean a punishment spanking would never happen, just that it would never be the norm. And since I love spanking, but also respect myself and my partner(s), I am not likely to break serious rules just to earn a spanking. That seems more like a game or roleplaying than authentic discipline.


    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. Rand E

      Rand E

      Did you ever have that gray area where you weren't quite sure whether it was punishment or funishment?  Ever since my wife and I adopted some lesser offenses with milder punishments, things sometimes fall into that overlap between the erotic and the disciplinary.  Kind of like what you said.  I don't break rules to trigger the discipline deliberately, but sometimes, I'm in the mood for it.

    3. FtWorthOTK55


      Some need spanking for different reasons.  Needs change.  I try to meet the needs.  If it is a good session for the Bottom, it was good for me.

    4. rubyredd


      I am surprised, I think, when I recognize just how much my spanking desires have changed over the years.

  24. For around nine months I was in a disciplinary arrangement with a long-time friend. We were spanking friends in our early 20s and regular friends, too. When that relationship ended abruptly, I felt an overwhelming sense of loss - almost akin to abandonment. Tops (ERs) are under a certain amount of pressure in that position - because within the agreement they have obligations to their partners - fairness, honesty, consistency, and so on. One of the things that I needed most was constancy - which, I think, can be difficult for many Tops to maintain long-term. 

    CONSTANCY - to be dependable; enduring.

    What happens when a spanking partner is not dependable or is inconsistent? When s/he "disappears" or doesn't reach out or doesn't consistently enforce rules? Have you ever been "ghosted" by a spanking partner? This question really applies to both Tops and bottoms. 

    I have chatted with several EEs who felt that sense of abandonment. And have seen a few posts about it, as well. It isn't always a final ending, but long periods of silence or limited contact - that can be damaging, too. Thoughts? Can a person be a "good Top" if they are not truly dependable? 


    1. Show previous comments  4 more
    2. jelena53


      Getting back to the original question regarding:  CONSTANCY - to be dependable; enduring.

      I always liked what Dr Dorothy Spencer said about constancy.   She said: " after a definite list of CAUSES has been established - don't be lax in administering the discipline!....That is what I mean about not being lax When a cause has been violated - when either party NEEDS the discipline - see to it that they get it. Don't be lenient or lax - for their sake! It is the only way you can truly help them."

      I am proud of my ex husband for being true to this idea.  



    3. Jaded


      I have always been a strong believer in consistency.  In these relationships trust and consistency are key.  Partners do have to realize though, that sometimes life happens, and the top or bottom may need to focus more time on other things.  ( Sick family members for example).  We all need to practice self care and take time for ourselves, or we can’t help anyone else.  If a partner can’t handle that after a long proven record of consistency, they need to go elsewhere.  I’d assume consistency is easier when spanking partners are living together, as they don’t have conflicting schedules and other people’s schedules to work around. 

    4. rubyredd


      I know in my heart all of you Tops are right - and really, he did need a break and a chance to explore and do the things that make him happy. At the time, it was hurtful and it is still difficult because we were such close friends. But, chatting with folks here has helped me so much! 

  25. I have been so overwhelmed with work that I haven't been able to come up with any good questions this week. 

    Does spanking really work for motivation? How would you use spanking and discipline to motivate?

    One poster asked about personal trainers... which is an interesting concept. But, would it really work?


    1. Show previous comments  5 more
    2. rubyredd


      @SpudStateSpankyI don't even get notifications when people respond to my status updates - so I am surprised you would get them. I am not sad you "unfollowed" me if that is the case. I am curious as to whether you can change your notification settings; I haven't tried, so I don't know. I will say, your comment is the first truly rude one I have received, so there is that. Kudos on being the first person to post something unnecessarily hurtful to my profile. If you felt negatively toward my participation and encouragement of discussion and learning about others (through the medium that best helps me learn and grow as a spanko), then why not send me a PM? I do not want to post every little thing in the discussion forums. I like posting my trivialities as a status update. You are free to post as you see fit and to post status updates of your own. *Pro Tip: when you only saw my updates in the list over a multi-day period it was because no one else chose to post one and not because I was posting a dozen times a day. Anyway, feel free not to respond in the future.

    3. Herstingingpalm


      Since we have been married I have financially supported us and I work and my wife stays home. I told my wife that she has the option to work or not. So my wife is HoH and make all the rules . One rule is that I work hard at my sales job and bring home checks with good sales results. My wife made it quite clear that she expects good commissions and if not then she believes in motivational spankings. I must admit I do get lazy at times and the spankings has literally lite a fire in my pants and results has been larger checks. The spankings can be quite severe at times so I really try to reach goals set by my wife .

    4. rubyredd


      Your "apology" included additional insults, so was hardly an apology. 

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