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Naomi last won the day on September 1

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  1. So I thought this one was worth sharing as it raises lots of interesting issues and dynamics for me. Sorry, it's a bit long: a creative writing background isn't always helpful and I've been in a reflection mode for the past couple of days after discovering that my ER might be heading away for 6 months. I find writing about this stuff helps me with my thought process. Any comments are welcome - I'm always interested to hear whether my experiences resonate, shock, contradict etc! For a bunch of years (apart from last year) me and and the friend who is my ER have been going on holiday with a wider group of friends (I actually met most of this group through him). There's usually around 10 of us and we rent a villa in Italy or France. We recently came back from a 2 weeks in a villa near Lake Como. This year is the first time I've done the trip since Jay became my ER. Our arrangement is obviously a complete secret - I've not told anyone apart from the good people on here (the forum has been a lifeline because it's my only outlet for discussing this part of my life) and I am confident that Jay has kept everything confidential. I obviously don't live with my ER - and although he's a good friend we don't spend prolonged periods together other than when this particular group of friends does this trip. Leading up to the holiday, I was aware that he'd be seeing me every day and keeping tabs on whether I was sticking to my rules. Before going on the trip we had a chat about how things would work while we were away. I've actually been doing really well on most of my rules. We agreed that I would still need to stick to my rules during the trip (but my exercise and midweek drinking rules wouldn't apply and we added an additional rule of me only checking my work phone/email once a day - I overwork and am addicted to refreshing email, I am not good at getting a proper break and I know that's really bad for me). Normally I keep a list of anything I've done wrong (or well) and message Jay regularly - we decided that wouldn't be necessary as he'd be seeing me and we could find to time chat privately. I also reluctantly accepted that if messed up / broke my rules I would be punished while on holiday once we had the privacy to do it (we've both talked about it being helpful for consequences to follow as quickly as is practical, which can be one of the downsides to our arrangement). So Jay told me to bring my punishment shorts and the bath brush (I was worried about the idea of travelling with the strap because it's obviously a spanking implement). I also packed my aloe gel which I used after a spanking. I was worried about would happen if I got spanked (which I was confident wouldn't happen) and then wanted to spend time around the pool - so I ordered a fairly conservative tankini with really good bum coverage (oh, the added complexities of being a woman who gets spanked). We all travelled out together (me, Jay, 3 other single people and 3 couples) and headed up to a gorgeous converted barn with a pool on a hillside. Jay and I both had our own rooms. When unpacking i realised that I hadn't packed any implement - I didn't say anything because I hoped that wouldn't matter as I wasn't planning on getting spanked on holiday. Having my ER around every day was really different. In some ways, being around him was an added incentive to watch my own actions and behaviour but because he was there the self-accountability, self-reporting part of our arrangement (which I find very helpful) felt less important - I guess I felt that he should notice and call me out if I don't stick to any of my rules. I think that I meant I maybe didn't take responsibility for my actions as I normally would. It was also very different being around someone from a longer period of time who you know (and have agreed) can exert control over you and punish you with physical pain. That took some getting used to. Our friendship has definitely been different since he became my ER, as much as we've tried to separate the two. He's still a great friend but the friendship will probably never be quite the same - right now, that change has been worth it for me because I've found some I trust who can do something that I've probably needed for a long time and something that has made me a better, healthier and happier person. The first 4 days of the trip went well, mostly just lying around the pool reading and evenings with lots of wine. But I'd definitely been checking my work phone more than we'd agreed (including doing it secretly so Jay wouldn't notice) and had caught myself on my phone way too much while hanging out with others (that's one of the things I have committed to not to doing). Jay hadn't said anything and I'd assumed he hadn't picked up on anything. I hadn't said anything to him about it. Then on the Thursday night he asked me to go for a walk -- I knew right away that wasn't just any ordinary friends walk and that he wanted to discuss something relating to my behaviour. We walked to the local village. Once we were away from the house Jay cut to the chase and asked me whether I'd kept to my rules. I initially told him I had. Then he upped the ante and got more specific - he asked me how much I'd be checking my work phone. I stupidly said something like: I think just the once a day. He pushed me on that, asking me if I wanted to show him the screen time on that phone. And then he directly told me I wasn't telling the truth (I wasn't) and that he he was sure I'd been checking it a whole lot more and he'd seen me on personal phone scrolling. He asked the question again, reminding me what of what the consequences are for lying (he has the option of using our "last resort" implement [I now know it's called a delrin cane, he used to say it was a shambok; we've settled on calling it the Reformer] - it's only happened a couple of times and it's hideously punishing), asking if that's what I want when we get back to London, and giving me a chance to honest before handing down that sentence. That threat was enough; I admitted that I'd been checking my email much more than we agreed. And then he asked me about spending bunch of time on my phone while sitting around with our friends talking; that's one of the two really bad habits that I've found hard to kick (although it's reduced a lot with spanking). He chastised me for not being candid about breaking these rules. After going through why these things were wrong, bad for me and my mental health, disrespectful to others etc Jay asked me what I thought the consequence should be (that's always a kind of trick question because that's a decision that already been made for me because I've chosen to have specific rules and we are agreed that the consequence for breaking them will be corporal punishment, but I think it's about getting me to own my actions and the consequences). I told him I knew that I deserved to be punished but asked if it could wait until we got back to London because I thought it would spoil the holiday. No chance, Jay said: we'd always talked about the value of quick consequences and accountability (I definitely feel that it's better for the negative consequence to follow as quickly as possible from my negative action because it helps strengthen the link between the negative action and the horrible result of that action, but that's often not possible if you don't live with the ER). I guess that was both the advantage (and disadvantage) of me breaking rules when spending time with him- he wasn't just going to let it go and store up the discipline. Some of you reading this will probably think: why the hell did she do those things if her ER was around and she had a good idea of the consequences? I often reflect on the same thing when it's too late, after I am spanked. I always regret what I've done and I am definitely someone who has discipline in my life because it helps me but who also absolutely hates getting punished. I think in this case it was a few things: the pull of bad habits which are hard to break (a lot of my rules are around bad habits / doing things are damaging to me and those around me - spanking has helped me greatly reduce all of them and break one of them but I still slip up, I still don't know whether spanking is going to help me end some of this stuff completely); thinking I could do these particular things without my ER knowing and not feeling the need to disclose stuff (which I generally feel when we're not together and I have a rule relating to being transparent, not doing that or lying about it is the behaviour that's earned me the "Reformer"); and still not being great about thinking through the consequences of my actions until it's too late (that's always been an issue for me mostly because I've always been someone who has got her way and not been called out on stuff, changing that and having accountability for my actions has been one of the biggest changes for me but that personality trait hasn't gone away completely). The only thing to figure out was when this was going to happen. I told Jay that a spanking would be way too loud to do with others in the villa and I was really anxious about that - he agreed. We resolved to wait until there was a chance for us both to stay home at the villa (when we'd both make excuses about why we needed to stay) and he'd do it then. Obviously I was hoping that situation wouldn't arise. Unfortunately on the Friday morning the group decided to do a trip to Como -- Jay said at breakfast that he had to deal with some urgent work calls; I took that as my cue and said I was tired and wanted to stay back and read. I was lying by the pool reading my book when the others left. Honestly I couldn't really focus on the story knowing what I would soon be facing. About 20 mins after they went Jay came out told me that we had something to take care of (a great euphemism for I'm going to give you a good hiding). I didn't try to argue and actually apologised that I'd caused him to miss the Como trip. He told me to get myself ready and that we'd do it in my room. Before heading in I told him I was really anxious about marks and asked if I could wear the modesty bikini bottoms (I'd bought it to cover up if this happened), rather than the spandex shorts I wear for most spankings (on reflection, they are actually a centimetre or so longer but I obviously wasn't thinking clearly in that moment of nerves), so that he'd know exactly where I'd have coverage. He was fine with that (I definitely feel fortunate to have an ER who listens and doesn't feel the need to be in charge of and control everything). I also asked that he make sure all the windows and shutters were closed because I know that I can be loud (I've heard myself of some of the voice memo he's recorded for me as a reminder - that's another story). I reluctantly went to my room to change out of my more skimpy black and white bikini and put on the ugly navy bikini bottoms (i was impressed by the coverage, I looked in the mirror and my whole bum was shrouded in the shiny fabric) - I didn't bother with the top and just wore a bra and t-shirt. I still hate changing for a spanking - it's become part of the punishment for me but I guess it also helps me to get into the headspace. It's often at this point that the regret really starts to flow. This time was no exception. I could hear Jay going around closing shutters as I sat and waited. It was at that point that I reminded myself that'd I had forgotten to bring the bath brush or any of the other implements. Eventually he knocked on my bedroom door and came in. I told him that I didn't have our implement. I'd get extra for ignoring what he'd asked me, he said. He asked me what we were going to do about that (he never uses his hand on me because I don't want that intimacy) - I wasn't sure. He told me that I'd better go to find an implement and it had better be a good one. My first thought was a belt because at home the strap is our main implement but I didn't have any belts with me and he'd not volunteered one. I decided not to ask him for one of his belts. I had a small plastic backed hairbrush in my washbag and took that out but I was pretty sure that Jay would think that didn't pack enough punch. I wondered if any of the other girls might have a proper hairbrush but it felt wrong to go looking through their stuff and then to use whatever I found for such a forbidden purpose. So I went downstairs (checking carefully that the cars hadn't come back) to the kitchen because I thought that would be the most obvious option. I felt kind of naughty (which probably shows how vanilla I am) sneaking around looking for something that would double up as a spanking implement. In the kitchen there was a pot with longer utensils, it had a couple of wooden spoons (one longer with a smaller head - like the one you guys North America have - and the other shorter with a larger head - more like a European version) and a sillicon spatula. There was a also paddle shaped chopping board but that looked like would be ruin my bottom (I've never been paddled). So I settled on the wooden spoons and spatula to give Jay a choice, and headed back upstairs. He seemed okay with my picks. We weren't really rushed so Jay asked me about why I'd been checking my work phone and also sitting around with friends while rudely scrolling my phone. I didn't have a great answer. Before a spanking he often asks why I have chosen to have the particular rule (and gets me to own that) and why I've have chosen to have spanking as the consequence for breaking the rule (getting me to own that too). I find that really helpful for getting me to focus on what's about to happen and to take responsibility for it. Once the talking was over he asked me to kneel in a chair (something like an armchair) that was in the corner of the room - I did that and was then told to bend forward slightly and fold my arms on the back of the chair. Jay now mixes positions up but this isn't one we use often at my place (over the arm of the couch is generally our go to). He didn't ask me to do any reflection time beforehand. Jay's "ready to be punished?" was probably met by something like an equivocal "if i have to be". He'd picked the longer spoon and smacked faster than usual - it stung like pretty bad (not as bad the bath brush we use but maybe worse than the hairbrush I have at home) but I think the pace got me. I'm not good at estimating time when being spanked, it felt like an age but I guess he probably spanked consistently for 30 seconds. Needless to say I was crying by that point - I don't have a good tolerance, although it's probably got better through getting spanked. Jay normally doesn't say much through the first part of a spanking - he calls that the "punishment phase" where he's making me face the consequences for whatever I've done. Then, as on this occasion, he gives me a breather and starts to talk more about what I've done wrong and gets me to tell him what I'll do differently. He gave me slower but probably harder smacks with the shorter spoon while got me to tell him again why I was having my bottom spanked (he always makes me acknowledge that I have earned and deserved what is happening to me) and what I would be doing differently going forward. He calls that the "learning phase" of a spanking. He worked the spoon around my bum but was very slow and deliberate on the lowest spanks - he did a great job of not hitting below the bikini. As always, I was crying and moaning a lot by this stage but I try to focus (he encourages me) and connect the embarrassment of bending over and having my bottom smacked and the pain with the behaviour (usually a bad habit) that led to it. It was probably over quite quickly - maybe 5 mins including all the talking. Once a spanking stops Jay expects me to acknowledge / show gratitude for him disciplining me - I often say sorry, to which he responds something: you should be apologising to yourself. But I said I was sorry for taking up his time with and thanked him for trying to help me have a better holiday by disconnecting from work and my phone. As at home, Jay gets out the way quickly once the punishment is done - he knows I need my space and I sometimes feel quite emotional after I've been spanked. So he told me he'd see me by the pool and left. I wanted to get out of the the tight, clinging lycra as quickly as possible - I find it really holds the heat and sting. I checked in the mirror and my bum was very red all over but there weren't many deeper marks - with luck I might be back in a more fetching bikini by the next day, I figured. I showered - as if that somehow helps me to start afresh and wash away the memory of having just had by ass beaten. After going overboard with the aloe gel, I changed into what I've learned is the perfect post-spanking outfit - a flowy dress with nothing but a thong underneath (I was never a thong wearer but that's become another part of being-a-spanked woman kit), I don't like fabric clinging to my tender bottom! Resuming the day after that was pretty weird. I couldn't just snap back to "friends on holiday" mode when I joined Jay by the pool - it wasn't anything he did wrong, it was just the reality of the situation and the dynamic. This was the first time I've had to hang out with the person who's just spanked me to tears; I didn't really like that, I probably need to be on my own afterwards (but see below). But we eventually prepared some lunch together and waited for the others to come back (we even managed to joke about it). They came back mid afternoon and obviously were oblivious to what had happened in their absence. A couple of my friends changed into their bikinis so I decided to join them - wearing the navy blue ugly thing in public for the first time. Before going downstairs I checked forensically for marks but it was all good. I've no idea what they thought about me suddenly wearing that thing (maybe my period) and I hope that they didn't notice that I didn't find the hard plastic pool side chairs particularly comfortable - I was still really sore and stingy. But I managed to get on with the day and we ended up having a really good evening. So you're probably wondering whether the punishment had the desired effect? yes, I suppose it worked - I checked my work phone rarely for the rest of the trip (even less than we'd agreed) and I get my other phone in my room most of the time. And, sure, the prospect of another walloping was more than enough of a deterrent. ***** I had hoped I was done with spanking for the trip. On the second Tuesday I ended up slipping up really badly - a couple of weeks later I can tell this story and really see that I was wrong (I was an obnoxious bitch, to put it mildly) but I definitely didn't see things that way at the time. We'd all been rotating on cooking. We'd spent the early afternoon sipping sprizters etc. One of the couples and Jay volunteered to head out and do a final food shop. They ended up coming back with a lot of food that I thought was really unhealthy and not environmentally smart (I am vegetarian and tend to have very strong views about healthy eating etc, and can also be a bit of a food and drink snob). I should also say at this point that I know that I have a tendency to be quite self-righteous and someone who often thinks they know best. I'm not proud of that but it's something that is hard to change (I don't have a rule around that because it would be impossible for me to self monitor but Jay has spanked me before for the way he's seen me speaking to friends, I wrote about that). The detail is boring but as we were all unpacking the shop I ended up being really critical of their choices and probably did it in a way that wasn't very nice. The woman - I'll call her S just in case anyone reads this and can figure things out! - ended up getting quite upset. Jay was not impressed as I was also criticising his choices. I then made things a lot worse because S was cooking; rather than being sufficiently grateful and letting her get on with things, I think I said that her meal choice was a bit dull and I was probably a bit condescending about the way she was cooking, and tried to tell her she was doing it wrong. At one point she snapped at me and told me to stop interfering and that I didn't need to have an opinion on everything; I told her to stop being defensive and that she should be able to take criticism. All of this created a bit of an atmosphere. I could see from the way Jay looked at me that he was very annoyed with me. I was in an argumentative and confrontational mood (not helped by having had a few drinks earlier in the afternoon) when we sat down for a late lunch / early dinner. I couldn't help myself mentioning that, honestly, I thought what S had made was tasteless and I was more in favour of going out for dinners and trying quality Lombardian food rather than eating what seemed like student meals back home. Looking back that was probably an unnecessary thing to say. S left the table and was obviously upset with me. During the course of the evening I started a few discussions about heavier topics, including about choices around food, climate change etc. Jay said afterwards that I was really unpleasant with pretty much everyone during these discussions and did what he calls my "I know better" thing. Playing board games was on reflection a bad choice. I get really competitive. I got into an argument with S's boyfriend about the rules. I had felt Jay kicking me under the table but didn't think anything of it / didn't care. Then when it was S's turn to describe words she kept passing on stuff - the rule we had was that you could pass on one card. I grabbed the stack she passed on proceeded to challenge her about allegedly not knowing these various words or being able to describe them - to be fair I probably did it in a very patronising way. That caused a scene and the end of the game. S told me I'd been horrible to her all evening and went outside. Some of them lingered. I was in the kitchen drying some dishes. Jay approached from behind and did something he's never done before, he put is handed on my bottom (which I didn't like and later told him) said something like "Naomi (when he says that rather than Nay, he's especially pissed off), we're going out for a walk". It was at that point that I realised how angry with me was and that I was in trouble. I didn't want to go but knew better than to argue. I followed him out and we walked down the driveway in silence. I am not sure if any of the others saw us head out because people were settled doing their own things, chatting in the lounge etc. Rather than heading off down into the village, Jay led us up a lane to the right, where there a kind of wooded area. Eventually I asked him where we were going. He was pretty curt with me and said threw the question back to me. I genuinely wasn't sure what he was planning; I knew he was furious, I knew that he was probably thinking about punishing me (but I know didn't when etc). I played dumb and asked him what was up. That made things worse - he said something to the effect that I'd been really rude and unpleasant, ruined the evening for everyone and taken the shine of the trip. He said I had been horrible to S, her partner and to also him. Jay told me he really doesn't like that side to me. He even said he felt embarrassed that a few years back he'd introduced me to this group - that hurt but also turned on guilt tap. He wanted to know again if I really didn't know why he'd brought me out - he probed me on what I thought should happen about tonight. I guess I was still in quite a smart ass mode and said that I would apologise to everyone in the morning. That obviously didn't satisfy him. He just cut to the chase told me that I totally deserved to have my bottom blistered (his words) for the way I'd acted all afternoon and that he wasn't going to wait to do it. I tentatively suggested that I hadn't broken any of my agreed rules (which was true) but that didn't cut any ice with Jay. He said that part of me having this arrangement was about being accountable for my actions and that he felt responsibility to deal with me for what I'd done -- he told me that as the person who disciplines me there was no way he could just let this go. Jay told me something to the effect that he felt totally disrespected and that I had treated our friends with contempt: not punishing me, he said, would cause him to lose his authority in our dynamic because he'd be ignoring awful behaviour in front of him. But he gave me the option -- if I didn't want to accept responsibility, if I didn't want to be accountable for my actions and trust his judgement on what I needed then I could forget about our arrangement. I definitely didn't want that and he knows that. Deep down, I knew he was right and I was by this point feeling really guilty about things- I told him he should do what he thought necessary. Jay told me that he was going to give me a hiding while we were out on the walk. I was shocked - getting spanked outside. There would be no punishment shorts, none of our usual implements, the comfort of the couch, our routine. I was going to get a spontaneous, rough and ready spanking wherever he could find a place and I had no idea what he was going to use. We kept walking for a few mins which felt like an era, and up into the wooded area. There was still enough light but there was no one around, no houses. As we were walking Jay broke off a couple of relatively fresh branches from smaller trees we passed. He pulled off a few leaves and shoots. And then - no pun intended - I twigged what he was doing. Yehp - I was going get this thing used on me. He stopped and said words along the lines of let's get this over with because it was going to get dark- he told me he was going to spank me with what he called a switch (I had never heard that term). The two in his hand her were less than 1cm thick and maybe 40 cm - 60cm long. I asked him how it was going to feel as I was pretty worried - he told me it would it would snappy and stingy but I'd had worse. He asked me whether I was wearing underwear he could see. I appreciated being asked; I don't wear underwear for spankings (it is always shorts or a swimsuit) because I've never wanted my friend to see me in underwear (it feels too intimate) - he's only once seen my backside in underwear. But I wasn't in a great bargaining position and we were in pretty unusual circumstances. As it happened I had really nice satin blue underwear on - nothing skimpy. I said it would be okay but this shouldn't become the norm. I also asked him to be really careful about going low because I wasn't done tanning for the holiday. There was nothing around to lie or lean on. He told me to bend over and grab the backs of my knees with my arms crossed (so right hand to outside of back of left knee etc); i was told to keep my legs straight as possible and not to take my hands away from legs until the spanking was done. I hate positions where I'm not supported and have to think about my position. Jay very respectfully asked me whether I wanted to raise my dress or whether he could do it. I said he could and felt him very gently pull the hem up and fold it up onto my back. I felt really embarrassed and that position makes me feel very exposed. He told me that this was for being awful to him and our friends and for showing such horrible attitude and a lack of respect; by this point I felt really contrite, I felt Jay's anger had turned to disappointment and he felt really let down by me. He didn't hang around, he tapped the wooden branch against my bottom and flicked it back down with nasty sting. It was very rushed (I guess because of the light and him worrying that someone could pass or hear); there wasn't the usual talking - I am guessing I got 20 ish (with some extras for taking my hands away from my knees), whatever it was enough to make me sob and I felt like little ridges were forming on my bum. I tried not cry out and scream (I am normally quite vocal when I am spanked because I was worried about people hearing - but keeping quiet isn't easy). I was surprised how quiet the licks were given the sting levels. This thing was a really different feeling to anything I'd had before, light but it really burned. I was thinking about where i'd rank it in the implements I've had. Out of 20, for me the Reformer (the delrin) is a 20, i think this switch was a 14, the strap and our wooden bath brush are maybe a 13 (in different ways and on different days), and then the little hairbrush about an 8. It was done quickly and Jay actually gave me a long hug. We walked back the 15 minutes or so with me trying to compose myself and to try my eyes on dress. I was sure my eyes looked puffy and my make-up was sure to be a mess. People would see I'd been crying but I figured that they'd think it's because I was emotional about the afternoon/evening. When we got back in I apologised to everyone. I asked S to go outside with me and told her that I was really sorry. I apologised again the next day and tried to really nice to mend bridges. I headed to bed. Jay really nicely came to check up on and brought a herbal tea. I gave him what I felt was a really heartfelt sorry - he said he was sorry that he'd had to spank me. We had an emotional post-spanking experience I'd never had because we don't live together. We end up kind of cuddling for a while and I actually really valued that post-spanking attention (it may have been a reflection on feeling really contrite and sad, I am not sure). I can be honest here and say that I would probably have had a kiss and he could have stayed with me -- not sure where those feelings came from -- but I didn't suggest it. Anyway, my bottom was covered in thin red lines so it was back into the ugly navy bikini for the last 3 days of the trip! And overall I still had a great trip.
  2. Hi guys - so I am in a bit of a crisis mode because I learned over the weekend that there is strong possibility that my ER may be heading away on secondment for 6 months. Our arrangement has been working for me and having discipline in my life has made a huge difference for me - I've progressed in lots of areas. I am now worried about regressing and what things are going to be like with him gone for at least 6 months. I can't fly to the US when I need to be punished. Any of you guys have experience of this happening? I don't know how I can keep spanking in my life while he's gone. I think I was incredibly lucky to find someone to do this within an existing friendship where there is loads of trust. I am struggling to see how i could replicate that or find it again. I've read up on self-spanking but it's not something I've ever tried or seriously contemplated - I don't see how it would work because I really don't like pain and think I have to have someone else administer it. The idea also feels quite weird to me. Can this ever really work as an alternative? One thing I've thought about (actually my ER floated it) is a looking for a really professional disciplinarian (not a dominatrix kind of person) who might be able to fill the void somewhat; that feels like a very big step for me and I think it would have to be a woman in order for me be remotely comfortable. I know no one should advertise their services on here (and am not looking for that) but do any of you have any thoughts on whether that's a good idea / experience of going down that route? Are there really people who are total professionals and not on the scene for sexual reasons etc and work with very vanilla people? All thoughts and advice welcome - I'm in a bit of a tailspin!
  3. Thanks all. Appreciate your insights and advice. It's hard to argue with any of the points you make about not being able to hide things in the long term and it being better to be open. The thing I have to figure out is when in a new relationship to mention the dynamic that I have with a male friend (who any boyfriend of mine would be likely to meet). And then there is obviously a huge question of whether this guy or any other sexual partner will find that totally weird/acceptable/can live with it etc. Bramblewine: you're totally right, I definitely am not planning to marry the guy (we've been on three dates and I quite like the guy - we might date but it's early days). And, yehp, Jay is around my age and it's definitely purely disciplinary - I have never mixed discipline with sex and consider myself to pretty vanilla sexually.
  4. Thanks all. Appreciate your insights and advice. It's hard to argue with any of the points you make about not being able to hide things in the long term and it being better to be open. The thing I have to figure out is when in a new relationship to mention the dynamic that I have with a male friend (who any boyfriend of mine would be likely to meet). And then there is obviously a huge question of whether this guy or any other sexual partner will find that totally weird/acceptable/can live with it etc. Bramblewine: you're totally right, I definitely am not planning to marry the guy (we've been on three dates and I quite like the guy - we might date but it's early days). And, yehp, Jay is around my age and it's definitely purely disciplinary - I have never mixed discipline with sex and consider myself to pretty vanilla sexually.
  5. Thanks guys, that's all really helpful and will feed into my thinking. To be honest, Bramblewine and Dunelman are probably right that it may be too much for me. Bramblewine - yes, it's the second. An idea for me to think about. He's never forced me down any route I didn't want to take (he handled the baring issue really well and has always been good around implement choice, positions etc). Longtimespanking - good point re what others might think.
  6. My er is endlessly creative about thinking of new consequences for me or making existing consequences more effective. I'm a swimmer and go quite often to the pool but if it's in the days after getting punished I either don't go or wear shorts. He's recently suggested that an additional punishment option should be for him to get me to go to the pool wearing a regular swimsuit after a spanking. His thinking is that the embarrassment factor of basically having to show my spanked bum to strangers would be a massive deterrent and would help me stick to my rules. He thinks it would make me feel more accountable for my behaviours. I guess it probably would be effective but feels off-the-charts embarrassing. Any thoughts about this? Have any of you guys had to deliberately show your spanked/marked butt to others? Thanks! N
  7. Hi guys, So I have a dilemma which I'd appreciate your thoughts on. As some of you know my er is a good friend but he's not a partner and we've never been romantically involved. We've had our arrangement for about 9-10 months now, I've been single for that time so no issue has arisen until now. But I've just met a guy and we've been on a few dates and just spent a first night together. I'm obviously really private about the fact that I get spanked and arrangement I have with my friend (I can't talk about it with anyone and that's one of the reasons why this place is a great outlet). But I am worried about whether this is something one can really hide from a boyfriend (if we get to that point). I am concerned that he (and any guy I meet) will struggle to understand that I get disciplined by a close male friend. Does anyone have any experience of having to raise this with a new partner? Or have any of you managed to keep it secret from them? For now, I'd like to do that but if I am going through a period when I'm getting spanked quite regularly (it varies), marks will be a problem if a new boyfriend sees my bottom. Again - any suggestions welcome! I'm finding it stressful. Naomi
  8. hi guys, Just following up on all this to say that I had my first (and it may end being my last) bare bottom spanking. I've blogged about it and my reflections on it in case anyone is interested. Writing about it has helped me reflect -- I don't think bare bottomed is right for me. I am probably just pretty shy and private and I think having a friend as an er probably makes things more awkward!
  9. So this happened last week. I've finally had time to to write and reflect on it. A few reflections on my first bare bottom spanking. Some of you will know that the guy who disciplines me is a good friend. We do stuff socially - beyond the discipline stuff (and have worked hard to maintain that separate space in our friendship) - and are part of the same group of friends (of course none of them know our secret). But we obviously don't live together and I've never experienced immediate consequences or accountability - there is often a few days or longer between me doing something wrong (breaking my rules) and getting spanked for it. Last week that changed. We've just had the lifting of the restrictions here so we can meet as groups of 6 outside. Last week part of our group, including me and J and 4 other friends met up in a park for a picnic and drinks one evening. We were about 10 mins walk from my place. I really like the one couple and another guy; I don't know the other woman who joined us that well and had previously found her kind of annoying (I won't mention her name but will just call her M) - J really likes her and they know each other better. To be honest, the conversations weren't that interesting and I guess that without realising, I'd slipped into my habit of constantly checking my phone (mostly scrolling social media and news apps) while vaguely listening. That's something I know I shouldn't do and it's a habit I've being trying to kick. So it's one my (now) 8 rules that I have to stick to. My "er" and I spend time together socially and it's habit he also detests - it really really irritates him and has done since before we started our "arrangement". At some point I got a message from J - I knew it was a worry because we message each other on separate apps (text v Whatsapp) depending on whether it's about my discipline or just our normal friendship stuff. We both like to keep that separation. J said told me that I'd been constantly checking my phone and therefore breaking my rules, it was disrespectful of our friends and him, and that I was going "to face the consequences", he wrote. To be honest, that made it a little hard to focus but I didn't reply. A bit later on I was having a discussion with M (because it was a small group that the only the discussion happening at that moment) about something to do with Covid and lifting of restrictions. I find her a bit slow and boring and without realising at that moment I was kind of short with her but also, it seems, pretty rude. J later told me that I said both "how can you not know" that (I can't remember what it was a reference to), and "that's such a stupid idea". Again, I didn't pick it up in the moment, but M was apparently pretty upset about how I'd spoken to her. The way I speak down to others (especially at work) is something I've been working on with J and I have a rule around that. Anyway, after the conversation had moved on from M and me - maybe 2 mins later - I saw J on his phone. I then got angry message, again on our 'discipline' chat telling me that I'd been condescending and arrogant towards M and he couldn't believe I was doing this in front of him. Apparently I'd also been scrolling my phone again, twice more since he messaged me the first time. He told me in the message that I "obviously need to be spanked" and that the prospect of a regular spanking didn't seem to be deterring me. J said in message that we should head to my place right away and we should make our excuses. I tried not to let on that I'd just received pretty unwelcome news. Maybe 5 mins later, J stood up and said something like "Naomi and I have to head off because we need to have a chat about something". Okay - that wasn't really giving the others any clues about the truth about what we would be heading off to do but I was annoyed. I sat there pretty defiantly and said something like "do we?", said I was having another drink and told him we'd catch up later. He gave me really stern look but there wasn't much he could do at that moment. Everyone else must have been wondering what the hell was going on. That was a mistake. I was the one who was in the wrong. I guess I knew then that I'd made things worse for myself. Probably 20 mins later - I picked up my phone to message to suggest that we head off. To my shock, he'd messaged first and said "Nay, you're about get your first bare bottom spanking" (I'll explain this later). Oh f**k, I thought. I led the way this time, not wanting to make things worse. We both got up said our goodbyes. My heart was already racing as we walked out the park. J didn't say much more than that he thought we should head to my place right away. Maybe 5 mins into the walk he broke the awkward silence and told me that he was very disappointed in me and the way I'd been "petulant" in refusing to leave. He told me that he hoped I knew I'd earned myself a "good hiding". I mumbled something. We headed into my building. I felt pretty nervous - this what instant accountability feels like, I guess. Once in my flat, I wasn't in the mood for much talking; I knew I'd done wrong, I knew that I deserved to be punished. I asked J if we could it over with. I sometimes do that when I feel he wants to talk too much before I'm spanked. Only about a week before we'd made the decision that he would have the option of spanking my bare bottom as a last resort. We'd been discussing it for a while - I had some really helpful advice from people on the message boards (you can see the thread and what we decided). He'd long felt that it would be helpful for me to have that deterrent and that as my er her should have that option if necessary. I'm pretty shy and private and we've avoided any intimate aspects of spanking: over the knee, him using his hand, him seeing my in my underwear or my bare bum. I've always been punished in spandex shorts and occasionally a one piece swimsuit -- for about 6 months that's been the balance between modesty and effectiveness. Anyway we agreed to a compromise (that'd we just have to try if it came to it) of me wearing a thong if he decided to spank bare bottom and that he would only consider bare for really serious things (basically not for all of my rules). I have a thong that's fabric at the front and essentially transparent strips at the back -we'd decided that's what I would wear. We had talked about me not wanting to have my legs open at and agreed that if it happened, I'd just lower the shorts to my upper thighs myself. I'd hoped that it was just of a heat of the moment thing and that he wouldn't follow through with threat to punish me on the bare. Unfortunately not - he told me that I should know what's coming and to put the thong under my shorts. I protested but was told that the way I'd spoken to M, broken several rules in front of him and then shown such attitude when he said we we're leaving meant that I'd earned it. I knew he wasn't going to change his mind. I didn't wait to be told and headed to my room. I pulled out the thong which I've only worn once (at a wedding I think, under a fitting dress) - when i bought it ages ago I sure couldn't have imagined that the second time I'd wear it would be to get spanked in, I wasn't a woman "who gets spanked" back then. How things have changed. Taking off my skinny jeans and underwear made it feel horribly real. Just putting on the thong, realising that's all I'd be wearing and appreciating what that meant (I was going to have show my long-time friend my bottom so that he could whack it, that was the cold reality) made me cry. Even this step felt like a huge punishment in itself. Pulling the shorts on over the top gave me some feeling of comfort and familiarity. I put on an old tshirt on top. God - I can tell you the anticipation was bad (and I suppose from a punishment point of view extremely effective). I walked out to the kitchen/lounge area - it's the part of my small flat where we always do the spankings. I'd forgotten to bring a implement. He asked me to fetch the bath brush and my hairbrush (so I wasn't going get strapped, that was a relief because the brushes are no 3 and 4 on our list of least worst implements). I've probably been spanked 15 - 20 times now but I still can't get used to having to fetch the thing that's about to be used to blister my ass. But I was more nervous about baring my bottom than the pending pain of a hard spanking. I wasn't sure how it was going to play out. J asked me to sit on the couch with him. We worked through the rules I'd broken and the attitude I'd shown. I got quite the lecture on me needing to respect his authority in this area of our lives for the arrangement to work. He told me that I deserved to have bare my bottom and that he hoped I'd "bottle" the experience to help me going forward. I've got to say that there's no doubt I feel in a much better place since I've had rules and have been getting spanked - I'm either not doing lots of things I wanted to stop or I am doing them way less. But that doesn't help me when I am about get it. J asked me to take the small hairbrush and hand it to him. I was told to bend over the arm of the couch. I realised that in all my nervousness I'd forgotten to tie my hair back and still had make up on (I wouldn't recommend either for getting spanked). He spanked me fast and snappy over my shorts. I can take the little brush pretty well but I definitely don't have a high tolerance and even that has me teary eyed. He stopped and my heart sunk because that meant only one thing. J asked me to get up -- he told me that the time had come for me to learn what it's like to get a bare bottomed spanking. I asked if we could carry on over the shorts. But J knows me, he knows that in this space I need to be pushed because otherwise I'll take the easy option. We'd talked about positions that would give me most modesty. The door was closed - he asked me to stand in front of the door with my legs together. Then it got real. J's words are etched in my memory - "Nay - take your shorts down, I'm going to spank your bare bottom". For those of you who've never been given that command - it's pretty powerful. I hesitated and thought about calling it off and using my safe word. But deep down I guess I knew that I deserved it and that going through this was probably going to be really effective for keeping on the right track going forward. He gave me the time I needed and checked if I was okay. (ers take note) Eventually I hooked a thumb in each side of my shorts and started to peel them down at glacial pace. Feeling air on my butt and knowing that my friend was currently being treated to a view of pale white ass that not many men have seen was pretty jarring. After an eternity I pulled them off my cheeks and because the spandex is really tight, they sat just below my bottom. The thong was still their but felt like nothing at the back - I guess it was no more than a strip of plastic between my cheeks. So charming. To be honest I felt really embarrassed and it bit humiliated. I was crying. J checked how I was feeling again. I told him ok ish or something like that but asked him to get the spanking over with so I could pull them back up. He told me that he would get it done quickly. He was clearly really unhappy about how i'd spoken to M because he told me that he wished M could see what was about to happen to me. J told me to put my hands on the door, that made me bend slightly but I kept my legs tightly together. That definitely helped me keep some modesty. He had already picked up the bath brush. He asked me if was ready. I guess so, I probably said. And then he spanked me hard and really fast. It stung like crazy - quite a bit more than over my shorts (but that's stil plenty punishing enough) but I kind of know what being spanked on bare skin feels like because my swimsuit doesn't cover my whole bottom. The thing that probably shocked me most was the noise - it felt louder than normal. J often spanks slowly and there's loads of talking. Not this time, thankfully - he hit without any break in between, the sting was ferocious; my moaning, crying and "sorries" were loud I assume. I threw a hand back and he told me to keep my hands on the door unless I want spend longer bare bottomed. That did the trick. It was done in less than a minute and he told me I could pull shorts back up - for the first time ever I welcomed the feeling of those tight shorts on my bum, giving me some modesty again. I felt incredibly chastened - it was nowhere near the worst spanking I've had (I've been spanked with a tear jerker/shambok thing before) but being bare made the experience different. He gave me some time. Then we had a chat about. I told him exactly how I felt about it -- it's not for me, I found being bare even in the thong really uncomfortable, I'd be really reluctant to do it again. J was really understanding and gets how I feel. I probably needed to try it in order to know how I'd feel. For the moment, I think we're going to stick a more serious implement as the last resort option. N.
  10. Thanks all for the suggestions. Interesting to read your debate - but definitely no question of me getting totally naked! Neither of us would want or be comfortable with that. @FLRspanker - yeah, it's just swimwear, standard coverage I guess. Thanks for the suggestion. In my case it is not so much about increasing the level of correction because he has a more serious implement if it's needed, and I don't have a very high tolerance so there's always scope for him to dial up the intensity/how hard he spanks. I think the main reason he's suggested having the option of baring my bottom is that he knows that it would the possibility of that exposure would be a really big big deterrent for me (that's definitely right). It's not really a pain thing. The spankings are plenty bad enough when I'm spanked in my shorts (mostly) or the swimsuit (rarely). We discussed it again at the weekend. I think we're going to take it stages. We've agreed that he'll have the option of spanking me on the bare bottom as a last resort if I do certain things. If that's going to happen, he's going to tell me in advance and I am going to wear a particular thong under the shorts I get spanked in (it's a bit of a compromise because the strip and waistband is transparent so there will be no physical or visual coverage at the back, the front is basically normal underwear); and I will then be asked to lower my shorts to my thighs when I'm in position. I always have my safe word if I am not okay with it. So it's not totally or properly bare bottomed - but this is already a big deal and step up for me. Knowing that this is now a potential consequence has already made me think again about certain behaviours. I'm obviously hoping that this won't happen any time soon and might never be necessary. If it does, I'll try to blog to share my reflections on it. N
  11. Thanks all for the thoughts and advice. It will help my thinking and my discussions bramblewine - really good points. My hesitation comes from being a private person and not liking the idea of being exposed in front of someone who isn't a romantic partner. I think it would feel embarrassing but not violating (or at least not with my ER). But part of me knows (and maybe doesn't want to fully admit) that the fear of that embarrassment is partly why knowing that he could bare my bottom might be a really strong deterrent. The gradations of bare point seems important. I feel that I definitely wouldn't want to be undressed from the waist down (i think that's too far for me, and he hasn't suggested it), a thong would be easier (although I definitely would rather be in what I wear for spankings now!) but as others say that wouldn't have the same impact emotionally, it may be that lowering my shorts just enough would be okay (although that still feels like it'd pretty unpleasant). It's a tricky one. If I went with the lowering the shorts (what I am generally spanked in) option, does anyone have thoughts on which position would be best to minimise any exposure of the parts which aren't relevant for the spanking? We don't use otk. dmirk - you are right, there's definitely no trust problem, we're good friends and he's been great since we started this. While I'm still quite new to this, he has experience of spanking others in the past and is definitely really well read and well watched on stuff do with spanking and discipline. He does think that spanking should be done bare if appropriate. He knows me and what I've been struggling with in terms some of the rules and expectations I've set for myself (with him) - as well as where I've improved with spanking or the possibility of spanking; I think he's saying that he feels that having the consequence/option of a bare bottomed spanking for one or two issues/rules would (a) help me because it would be a really powerful incentive for me to stick rules I've agreed and not to do stuff that I really want to cut out of my life, (b) give him more tools to help manage my behaviours and discipline me if necessary. We've kind have had the same discussion around implements and he ended getting a more serious implement that's an absolute last resort, I've now had it twice and just knowing it's an option has been very effective.
  12. There is lots of discussion here about people who are vanilla when it comes to spanking. I am wondering what that really means? I consider myself to be pretty vanilla and straight-laced when it comes to my sex life, some would say I am kind of boring; I haven't had spanking or similar as part of any romantic relationship. But I am someone for whom spanking is important; I have been getting disciplined through spanking for around 5 months and it's helped me make changes in my life. I now see myself as a woman "who gets spanked" and find it hard to imagine going back to the me of 6 months ago where I had very little accountability in my life and was a worse version of me. So, yeah, spanking matters for me. Do I enjoy it? Absolutely not. Am I turned on when I get spanked? Not at all. But I have sometimes thought I would appreciate romantic tenderness/sex after I've been punished (that isn't an option for me because I am currently single and the guy who disciplines me is a close friend and no more than that at this stage in our lives). So am I vanilla when it comes to spanking? Also interested to know how many of you have spanking in your lives only for discipline/punishment/accountability - not sure if I am unusual in this sense?
  13. I maybe unusual among the EEs here as I am not spanked on my bare bottom (I never have been). I am spanked only for discipline. My EE is a close friend and some of you will know that we've compromised and normally I wear spandex shorts and occasionally a boring one-piece swimsuit - my EE hasn't even seen me in my underwear and he's really good at respecting my privacy. But recently he has suggested that bare should be a kind of last resort option and has asked me to think about it; he thinks the mere prospect of this will be a big deterrent that will help me with my goals, keeping to my rules etc. I accept that's probably right but I still feel quite apprehensive about it. In the end I'll be the one who makes the decision. I'd really appreciate your thoughts on the following (I guess particularly from you female EEs and especially those who are not spanked by a partner - so where privacy might matter more): 1. whether you feel that from a pure deterrence point of view the possibility of having to bare your bottom has been effective / makes a difference re behaviours / keeping to commitments and rules. Or does it not really make a difference? 2. do you think the same can be achieved by wearing a thong or g-string, or is the psychology of it not the same as having to wear nothing? 3. if it is to be done do you have any advice about how you take a spanking on the bare without risking showing other areas that you want to keep hidden - have you found that particular positions help for this, or removing underwear at a certain moment? Not sure yet if we'll go down this path but always appreciate the views of you experienced people when I am thinking about this stuff. Thanks guys. Naomi
  14. An interesting set of responses, guys. Thanks (or no thanks)! @Handily that sounds mean The bath brush was a plastic one with a long handle (a cheap thing). Fortunately, as people who've read my blogs will know my state of undress is pretty non-negotiable; he may get me to wear my one-piece instead of the shorts I generally wear for spankings. @Chastener- I fear that he may see things exactly the way you do. I am pretty sure he'll make me order a new one. For now we still have the strap (which I generally hate more), a little brush, and he has another implement which is kept only for serious lying/dishonesty. Lines have come up a few times here - I have to write out my rules and any infractions each week but I've never had to do lines. I am pretty sure that I wouldn't enjoy it but it may be effective. @Wifey you're right - but I made him sound bad. The bath brush is an implement we've agreed on and it's one I've had before. He left after the spanking because he knew I wanted to be alone. We sometimes do aftercare in the sense that I'll get a hug and some reassurance and we'll then chat about other things. I take care of my own aftercare for my butt. We've an appointment tomorrow and he'll be asking what you good people on here have suggested - I'll try to be honest
  15. So my ER knows that I get lots of good advice and a sounding board on a forum. But he's not on here and knows it's important for me to have that space. Sometimes I probably annoy him with my tips/ideas I get from here! Anyway - last Sunday I was deservedly spanked with the bath brush - that thing lit up my ass with stinginess. I got myself into a horrible bratty mood and ended up being hard work for him. He left once the spanking was done. I was then really petulant - I stamped on the bath brush and threw it away. I should say that we've agreed implements together. I've fessed up by text message and he's pretty shocked and annoyed by it. He asked me what we should do about it. He said, somewhat flippantly, why don't you ask your friends on your forum what what would happen to them if they destroyed an implement or a person they discipline did that! I guess he assumes that fellow ERs might not take this well. So I said I would ask and will let him know what others think. So here goes! The fate of my bottom this Saturday/Sunday is somewhat in your hands.... thoughts (un)welcome
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