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Everything posted by wide_eyed

  1. A little while ago I watched 'Burn After Reading' and Tilda Swinton's character, a pediatrician with a forceful personality, seemed like someone who could easily take on the role of a disciplinarian head of the house. Maybe a little too forceful and not particularly affectionate either, come to think of it, but that's the first person to come to mind. Katherine Hepburn would be great in either role. In most of her film roles she comes across as someone who would make a fun EE. And from what little I know about her and the bit of her interviews that I've watched, I think she would make an excellent ER. Also that's a great expression on the Jennifer Garner photo above. She looks resolute there which makes it easy to imagine her comfortable in a position of authority. And the actress in Bewitched, Elizabeth Montgomery. Whenever she was irritated which was often, she looked like she wanted to get her hands on somebody.
  2. How important? Couldn't be more important. It's the heart of it. And at the same time I recognize the truth of what everyone else is saying that it really can't be the goal of a spanking for it to end in tears. It's a spontaneous occurrence so it will naturally resist an agenda. It seems to be a general rule that the mind will tend to resist an idea that it perceives as coming from outside of itself and accept one that it identifies as being its own. Maybe this is not only true between people but even within one's own self, i.e. the desire for me to cry this particular time being resisted by the 'unconscious' emotional part of myself from where deep cathartic crying actually emerge. So while I don't think the goal of any spanking should be for it to end with the spankee in tears, for me the goal of a spanking relationship is for there to be occasions where the spankee can regularly be vulnerable and have a deep cathartic cry. This week the post on the Disciplinary Couples Club (a F/M spanking blog) is on tears. There's an interesting comment on there that lists the elements that need to be in place for the author to be in tears. Obviously people will vary, this won't work for everyone, and so on and so forth. Still I found it insightful. Maybe this will help someone get where they're trying to go. Here's the list. And then a further note:
  3. Let me start off by saying I'm not involved in any BDSM type sexuality group that meets somewhere offline. But I am familiar with the perceptions of switches, well most of them. I haven't heard this one. I'm curious to know why those who hold this view would think it a reasonable one to hold. Have you ever heard any justification for it? The only thing I can imagine that would prompt such a notion is someone trying to blow off a proposition with "Well gosh it's too bad but we're both tops. Sorry!", Persistent And Maybe Desperate Spanko replies "Actually I'm a switch. So, uh, are we on?".
  4. The photos, illustrations, videos that show the disciplined partner's face are always the most explicit, and this isn't necessarily the case for content that's produced for sale. I'm thinking of amateurs here, well mostly. And it isn't because they can be more easily identified. It's that their face broadcasts their emotions. That's where they are most exposed.
  5. First rate title but the rest of it is pretty meh. I do like the emphasis on being calm though. I doubt it's from another era. My guess is sometime within the last 20 years. Although maybe now in the internet age that qualifies as way back when.
  6. It's around a 9. If I found someone with whom I was in deep rapport and marched in lockstep when it came to values that just wasn't into it, neither giving nor receiving, then I suppose I could let spanking go. But it would be tough. At the very least, I would need someone who was not just willing but interested in listening to me talk about it from time to time because this is a core part of who I am. Someone who viewed it with distaste making it clear they didn't want anything to do with my fetish, perhaps pretending that it wasn't there or interpreting the occasional mention as pestering, would be very hard to be with. I can't imagine such a relationship lasting unless there was some strong sense of duty motivating me to stick around, e.g. kids, someone needing health insurance coverage, etc. And that's a pretty compromised relationship at best. Also I can't imagine that there's more men than women spanked by their partners. Here's one small piece of evidence. Many years ago the Disciplinary Wives Club website had a personals section. There were dozens of men listed and two women. Is this conclusive evidence? No, I don't think you'll find indisputable evidence, but it's an indicator. Keep in mind, many women contributed and posted personals to the Taken In Hand website when it was up.
  7. Yeah, I suspect there is something to this. If we're talking about the suitability of an ER, then like most things, it starts with willingness. Leading, or supervision takes work. It requires a certain steadiness and focus to stay in the role of leader. I don't think I would use the phrase "accountable for the actions", it seems to me more like "responsible for supervising". And most people probably don't want to do it, even if they have a partner, with some underlying submissive tendencies who would get sorted out with a good spanking. On a somewhat related note, I've always thought that the only lesson taught by a spanking was an acknowledging of the authority of the spanker. Whenever I think to myself that someone could use a good spanking, I'm thinking they could use an authority figure to keep them in check. And of course my thinking that doesn't mean they have a personality where a spanking would be of any benefit to them. But that's getting a bit off topic. Most relationships have something of an imbalance in power, where one person has more say-so. That's a different thing than the willingness to keep an eye on the subordinate partner, at least from time to time, and directing them with the subordinate's or the relationship's best interests in mind. Again, that's work. Even if they were quick to do what it took to secure the upper hand, many people won't want that role. So yeah, it has to be someone with the right disposition. I'll speculate that people with a background in athletics might be more likely to make good ERs. I'm not saying it's a large percentage, or over 50%, or anything like that, just a larger percentage than those who don't have that background. Someone with a keen appetite for competition might find it relatively easy to always want to be in the one-up position, and be motivated to respond quickly when they see their partner stepping out of their designated subordinate role. Someone with a background of being a team player might also be more inclined to set expectations for their partner that are in line with whatever is best for the relationship instead of being self-serving. Maybe one day, decades from now, if domestic discipline becomes recognized as a lifestyle consistently engaged in by a certain segment of the population, there'll be a study on this sort of thing.
  8. OK so you want your partner to figure out what you want without you telling him. I know, I read in your description that you would be telling him, but the general idea seems to be that he would have the motivation to punish you, see that you have submissive tendencies and then seize the opportunity to punish you. Is that about the size of it? The major issue with this plan is that it seems rather low probability to lead to a satisfactory outcome for anyone concerned. If he was inclined to spank you without your asking overtly, you probably would have found out by now. I too think that your best is to have an open, straight forward, and yes likely awkward, conversation with him. Not only is it more likely to be successful, at least eventually, but the unsuccessful outcomes resulting from your plan will be worse than the ones that could occur if he doesn't respond as you would hope from the conversation. Seriously, think about that for a moment. Imagine your plan failing. What would that look like? If you can imagine different ways it might fail take a moment to consider all those possibilities and their relative likelihoods. Now do the same for having a conversation. How do those compare?
  9. I wouldn't go so far as to call them punk, but it's related for sure. Great band and a particularly good album.
  10. That's the spitting image of the brush I imagine when I think about this sort of thing, which I do from time to time. It looks like it has a good combination of length and weight for it to be delivered with a quick snap of the wrist and still bring some sting. Maybe it could be used in this fashion at length. Let us know what you discover. I note the first review on Amazon reads, "Good disciplinary tool", and 34 people found this observation helpful. I'm suspecting this brush has a good sized fan base among spankos.
  11. Hi, Given how straightforward you are, I should probably start by saying I'm not a match for you for multiple reasons, but I was so impressed by your introduction that I had to comment, which I rarely do on introductions. Welcome. I don't think there's a lot of members here from that part of the mountain west, but there's definitely some. And they're vocal. I wish there were more introductions like yours, partly because selfishly I would love for there to be more single women seeking to lead a domestic discipline relationship, but also that showed similar candor. Best of luck to you and I hope your search is both successful and short.
  12. Well yes, the dearth of female spankers has certainly created a lucrative market opportunity for the women willing to go into that line of work. I get that there are a lot of service providers out there and this isn't for me. I imagine a session could go one of two ways, empty and sterile which is bad enough, or even worse, it could be great**. There's certainly pros out there who, judging by their marketing, know what their prospective clients are looking for and are doing their best to provide it. I won't argue that point. If the alternative is nothing and for most of us it will be, then I'll take nothing. It isn't entirely about the money either. I have the same lack of interest in parties and conventions and even play partners. I'm just coming at it from a different place. The spanking is just a part of it, having a strong relationship that includes disciplinary spankings is by far the greater part. --- ** This possibility makes me think of The Onion video - Man Didn't Expect Sex With Prostitute Would Be So Emotionally Fulfilling
  13. My own impression is a little different. Speaking only of heterosexuals here, my own beliefs are as follows: Men have an overwhelming preference for a female spanker. Relatively few seem to be open to seeing a male spanker when there is no woman available to them. Fewer still are indifferent to their prospective spanker's gender or would prefer a man. Women have a much higher percentage of spankees who are open to spankers of either gender, and a sizable number are actively looking for a female. But I believe both of these groups are a minority and probably not a particularly large minority. My gut impression is that most women are looking for a male spanker. There is a tremendous shortage of women spankers. They aren't being sought just by the men, there's women are looking for them too. And I don't think they're doing so all that much more successfully either. There's plenty of accounts posted here and elsewhere recounting women's desire for a female spanker and their difficulty completing the search. Maybe they all got there in the end but at the very least I don't think it was as easy to round up some prospects as it would have been if they were looking for men.
  14. Simply stated but there's a lot there. Outside of atonement which I agree is a kind of release, when punishment spanking works, for those for whom it does work, it's probably because it ends with release of an attitude or an emotion. Since it's pretty much been established that spanking or any punishment does a poor job of teaching, this is a likelier explanation. Maybe some people equate it with learning because they experience the letting go of a certain belief (e.g. "You're not the boss of me." or the like) in accompaniment with the loosening and then release of a certain mood or posture. And of course these moods, attitudes, states of mind have their own patterns of muscular tension which can also be released. There's also the release of tension within a relationship even when strictly speaking there's no act demanding punishment. It's a thought provoking way to phrase it.
  15. On the Disciplinary Couples Club Blog there's been some thinking that some women as they age become more willing to take on a disciplinary dominant role in the relationship. Whether this is an actual observation or wishful thinking is another matter, but assuming for the moment that this is in fact the case, then a number of possible reasons suggest themselves: greater confidence with maturity, less suppression of one's own sexuality and deviance from the norm, more of an interest in what's pragmatic and effective in one's own setting, perhaps having gone through a failed marriage might make some less inclined to default to the man taking the lead, along these lines some have had experience raising children and being an authority figure and feel comfortable in the role, etc.
  16. In the kind of relationship I assume when answering these sorts of questions, disrespect is a failure to recognize authority. Defining it that way means it's pretty much always present whenever there's any call for discipline. Some of the scenarios that amuse and interest me the most are ones where disrespect is particularly prominent, like mouthiness, back-talk, maybe punctuality, that sort of thing. (Bolded emphasis mine.) Indeed it is. Hold the line, you're doing the Lord's work here.
  17. I love the dominance shown here. For me, spanking is very much about attitude adjustment. And spankings that end after some set number of swats or when someone apologizes, even insincerely, just aren't as satisfying. This willingness to spank, when the spanker is dissatisfied with the attitude shown by the spankee is an expression of a strong, forceful personality committed to winning the battle of wills. He isn't just going to tough it out. She will change his tune. Period. It's the couples that 'play' at mood management with the level of emotional intensity and intimacy that goes with it, that I envy. I'm a fan of long spankings and the above is a big part of the reason why. It just doesn't seem like you get to quite the same place with a six swat paddling no matter how hard. By the way, not to be too intrusive here, but would you share with us whether they gave this advice in a face to face conversation? If so, it must have been a humbling occasion for her husband, as he listened or perhaps participated in this discussion of spousal correction.
  18. Sure, I had some thoughts like this. Particularly so when I attended an elementary school in small town Texas for a couple of years. One of my teachers, who judging by some comments she made regarding creation of the cosmos was a fundamentalist Christian, seemed to be a strong advocate of corporal punishment. She gave a birthday swat or two to most of the kids in front of the class, and I think she called a few kids out to the hall and also to the principal's office for a dose of the paddle, but my memory is very hazy on this. What I do remember is when she and the P.E. coach play acted like he was going to give her a paddling there in class. She assumed the position with her hands on the chalkboard, sticking her butt out and looking back. He made like he was going to swat her and I don't remember if he tapped her or not, but he did have a school paddle that looked like it had received some use, there with him. The two of them definitely had all of our attention for that minute or two but I don't remember us talking about it much afterwards. I didn't think too much about her and the paddle. It was obvious that she was plenty familiar with it. What I did wonder about was her experience with bare bottom spanking. More likely than not it was considerable. I would have gladly listened to her holding forth on the subject all day, whether it was witnessing, administering or receiving. Especially receiving. It probably didn't take too much prompting from one of her peers to get her talking about it.
  19. No argument there. I did say that "In the kind of dynamic that interests me..." but I could have been clearer. Certainly those who are interested in only sensual spanking won't have much if any appreciation for dominance.
  20. That would be a pretty big complication there. It does say though that "Others (referring to other sexual sadists) act on the sadistic urges with a consenting partner..." This reminds me of the corny old joke: Masochist: Hurt me. Sadist: No. Assuming that sexual sadists do sometimes engage with consenting partners, then I think this is a sadomasochistic activity and it's pretty clear cut. With the arrival of the internet and enthusiasts talking among themselves and coming to more of a consensus about what they share the spanking fetishists have differentiated themselves from other sadomasochists. There's not much that they have in common when it comes to the trappings that arouse the members of each group. It's been a number of years now where spanking services consumers don't seem to go to dommes very often but prefer to go to providers that market directly to their kink. So these are pretty good indicators that a lot of spanking fetishists probably don't see themselves as sadomasochists. Well even if they don't see themselves as having anything in common with the guy dressed in leather with a ball gag in his mouth, they are. The label isn't trying to convey anything more than these are people who get sexual excitement from giving and receiving pain. If you go back 30 or 40 years and look at sex education manuals or pornography catalogs, you'll see that if spanking was listed at all it would either be grouped with other S&M practices or classified as such. This makes sense to me. That all said, I don't think sadism has to play a large and prominent role. In the kind of dynamic that interests me the main motivation to discipline is a desire to assert and exercise the privileges of one's status. There's a leader there who has expectations of how things are supposed to go and sometimes those expectations aren't met. Someone, probably an uppity someone, isn't compliant and they get their comeuppance. So maybe both parties are getting some sexual satisfaction from giving and receiving pain and embarrassment but it's even more about one party asserting their will, demonstrating their power, and putting their subordinate in their place by exposing their vulnerability to their authority figure. The whole dynamic has to be there. So first and foremost is dominance, which for the sake of this discussion is the authority to discipline, and then in a somewhat distant second the sadomasochistic stuff. Without the difference in authority between the two parties, and one's accountability to the other, the giving and receiving of moderate pain and embarrassment is alright, nothing special though.
  21. We can continue to squabble about this until the apocalypse comes but as I've largely said my piece, I think I'll leave you to continue trying to convince a bunch of spanking enthusiasts that the women (and men, I guess) who are willing to enthusiastically satisfy their partners are nasty, mean, evil people. Apparently their ability to find pleasure in a consensual act is sufficient proof of their wickedness. Maybe if you keep at it with enough fervor, someday you'll manage to convince someone who's ambivalent about spanking that indulging her partner's fetish would make her a bad person. Wouldn't that be sad? But I can not resist the temptation to make a few final points: The element of play is implicit. This is a dynamic people want to have in their relationship. Saying there is an element of play is just another way of stating that. Talking about it as play likely kills the headspace for the people doing it. Spanking is commonly and correctly listed as a sado-masochistic activity. You've managed to make people in this thread uncomfortable with the word sadism but you aren't going to find too much spanking between adults without sadism also present. Sexual sadism by itself it isn't evidence of bad character. I didn't so much have a desire to laugh at her in isolation as I wanted to cooperate with her in making the experience and dynamic as emotionally intense as possible within the boundaries that we both felt comfortable with. There's a difference there.
  22. I can relate to this and I wish you the very best of luck. It's entirely possible and with the right person it could be great. On a not entirely unrelated note, I would also like to suggest some reading material. I'm not saying what's described here matches up with your situation all that well, there are probably some significant gaps. But it's worth reading and thinking about. This is a quest that's difficult to complete and you may want to consider possible unintended consequences of using the word "need". And that said, again, I hope you are successful because I do believe that this sort of thing can come to pass and be of benefit. I think we tend to be prone to getting invested in some notion of necessity, but it might turn out to be pretty easy to think of it more in terms of a "fun" way of going about things. Best wishes.
  23. Interesting post. I largely agree, but I do think that imposed nudity would work best when the disciplinarian is the romantic partner. For those who have someone they see only for discipline I can see how nudity would feel somewhat out of place if not inappropriate. Many people aren't embarrassed at all to be naked in front of their partners but it might be a little different when they are ordered to disrobe and go to the corner. As you say it would probably have more to do with an increased awareness of the difference in authority between the two parties and the heightened sense of vulnerability. Years ago there was a blogger (maybe Domestic Domme?) that suggested to those just starting out as Disciplinary Wives or (Husbands, I suppose) that an easy way to start asserting their authority is to arbitrarily order their subordinate to be nude. I can see why. I'm a fan of CFNM, or CMNF, and all the other permutations too, and that's without even bringing dominance into it, one party ordering the other. But it's even better with it, and better yet when there's discipline around as well.
  24. I didn't say you were wrong so much as it being a loaded way of putting it. That is you're describing it in a reductive manner intended to cast the spanker in the least flattering light. "Callous indifference to the suffering" distorts things because she is, one assumes, doing this in the context of giving him what he wants, probably with a mindset of looking out for his best interests. That doesn't really mesh with "callous". "Suffering" is an exaggerated word here as well when you consider that most likely in less than an hour the two of them will be spending time together happy to be with each other. There is a clear difference between your description and something like "indifferent to his pain and embarrassment". Whether we're in agreement or not on the use of the word is irrelevant. Others have objected to the word "sadistic" as well. The way you used it may have something to do with that: modifying it with "brutally"; making references to a concentration camp and now an executioner. It isn't surprising that they would want to distance themselves from that. I have to disagree with the second sentence as well. Isn't there an element of play here? Like even when it's for real? There's a desire on the part of at least one (typically the spankee, and particularly so if male) and hopefully both, to deal with situations or emotions in this fashion. Maybe this is too obvious to state, but it seems like that's being ignored. And it's pretty relevant given that we're talking about consensual adult relationships.
  25. I read this and it feels like I've walked through a door into some surreal Bizarro-Land. Maybe it's more like a bow-hunter walking into a room of vegan activists planning their upcoming protests. I thought we were into that sort of thing here. I actually thought we were here to talk about it, and our attraction to it. Is that not it? It would seem that it fits the site URL, but I could be wrong. What are we then supposed to be talking about? Yes, for those people who do not want to be subject to suffering at the hands of a disciplinarian it's quite likely very different. I suppose I'll concede that point. Does it really need to be said that this is "no mercy" in the context of giving a spanking? Isn't that the point? We aren't talking about the relationship as a whole here, just an act of discipline administered to someone who wants to be punished in exactly this way. I've browsed that blog a few times in the past. There was nothing there that disturbed me then and reading this doesn't change that. She actually struck me as one of the few dominant women active on the internet who seems acutely interested in her partner getting what he needs out of it. I wish there were more like her, particularly since she likes item #s 1 and 2 on your list. OK, but this shouldn't really require much in the way of research. Your list is presupposed. For many of us, especially those who are interested in discipline, the disciplinarian's desire to be there in that role is highly desirable. Yes, of course we would want or appreciate someone who enjoyed giving a spanking. That's far preferable to someone doing it out of duty, checked out or worse, resentful. Isn't that a given? So yes, the kind of person we're talking about here would be able to take some sadistic pleasure in spanking. That isn't a revelation. By the way, "callous indifference to the suffering of their partner" is another remarkably loaded way of putting it. And these women are in short supply. That's what gets me scratching my head. There's a background to this discussion of people not just wanting such a partner, but longing for and fantasizing about it and more often than not, failing. And this is something many of them want more than anything else. And the partners who will indulge them are often found to be lacking in enthusiasm because they take no pleasure out of it. And then a few do succeed in the quest and get one of the few who do take pleasure out of it and who want to be there, whether that was innate or cultivated. Sure, many of the people that gather here are going to think that's pretty great. And it's like you're standing up making a declaration as if you had just made some kind of scientific discovery to say, "Hey! These women who enthusiastically discipline in consensual relationships in precisely the fashion you want to be disciplined, the very ones you've been looking for, well, there's sadism at work here!". Yeah, that's right. There is.
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