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About pavium

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    San Jose, California, USA
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  1. I think the odds are not good for finding a spanko through vanilla dating, but you never know. You probably can find someone kinky who might enjoy spanking, but that isn’t the same as finding a spanko IMO. I did *once* meet a spanko through a vanilla event, and now we are friends. Kinda blew my mind.
  2. Maybe a “Get out of one spanking free” card, especially with some funny exclusions in small print.
  3. I was in a work meeting and there was some joking about safe words. Had to clamp my mouth shut hard and ignore multiple thoughts that came to mind lol.
  4. I personally think that “the only way out is through”. If you want spanking to be no big deal, then you have to totally and completely accept your desire, normalize it, and surrender your desire for your urges to be different. I’ve moved the goal here though. I believe that you most that you can change is that it can become “no big deal”.
  5. I’ve have tried to analyze “what kind of spanko” I am. Any time I have thought I had it figured out, a week or two later I found I had shifted. What I get out of it changes constantly. Sometimes it is super erotic. Sometimes I need to process feelings. Sometimes I am just going to struggle and grow by enduring it. I’ve come to kind of accept that, whatever this is, it is bigger than me, so I might as well embrace it. Or in other words, for me it more art than science.
  6. I got spanked in the bathroom of a rather crowded sushi restaurant. Both the whippy johnny and I were as quiet as can be, hehe.
  7. I have mixed feelings about real punishment. I am a spanko but I’m also a submissive in an FLR. A lot of people who I talk to and who’s opinions I’ve read don’t believe in real punishment. Or rather, they separate funishment from punishment. Some people think any spanking is fun and therefore a gift. It is a gift, but it is often something other than fun. Our compromise is that relationship level problems are handled differently from trivial rule breaking. We deal with serious issues as a couple by talking. But if I break a non-serious rule (of which there are many), then I will get a punishment/funishment spanking. For example, I’m not allowed to place glass cups into the sink. I got a short hard, no-warm up hair brushing for that last week. I got to feel all those feelings in the pit of my stomach. I want that in our dynamic and I have asked for that, and she enjoys it. But if I broke a relationship agreement, that is not how we would deal with it. I would argue that it is light hearted, but also that it is real. If hurts a lot, and it is not a reward. I crave that feeling of authenticity in the discipline dynamic. I would call it a very strong want. I have also seen a professional disciplinarian for an extended period of time in the past. There were real consequences when I failed to live to a high standard that I had a greed to. There was also maintenance. Highs and lows. I learned that the punishment wasn’t a deterrent, but it was a way to process my feelings and a way to feel supported. I thought of her as my backstop. When I was weak, she was strong and made me feel it. I did feel a significant desire to impress her and to not let her down, and I had a way to process feelings of failure when necessary. I also felt a connection and acceptance that has been rare in my life. Eventually things changed and it was over. I was able to realize that I had grown confident in myself and that ultimately I was powerful and responsible for my success. Now I am not sure if I could do that again. Probably yes, since there is something hardwired in me. I am happy though to have lighthearted rules now.
  8. I have cried from a spanking a few times. There are always emotions present that are tied to the spanking (remorse, frustration, shame, grief). I seem more likely to cry after the spanking than during. I seem more likely to cry when my spanker is disappointed in me. Crying during a spanking isn’t something that I can rely on. I often want the emotional release of it but it doesn’t happen.
  9. This one is for my fellow EEs. Just a silly vent. Do you often feel like you really need a spanking, but that you don’t really want one? How do you handle that? What’s it like for you? I’ve felt the need growing all week, so I’m going to ask (beg?) for a spanking tonight. I think it needs to be a good one. At the same time, ugh!, it’s such a pain in the ass getting it! Wouldn’t it be simpler to just get a massage or something? (I’m joking a bit. I feel love/hate for this obsession).
  10. I agree, great advice! Thank you all.
  11. I like your avatar/icon. Every time I see it I think it looks like an alien with a glowing head but who is holding a giant paddle. It looks cool.
  12. As an adult with things to do and people to see, honestly grounding would be extremely inconvenient and embarrassing.
  13. I finally looked for a real spanking when I was in my late twenties (from a newsgroup). Even then, I rarely had the courage to find a spanker and kept mostly to fantasy. I had to work on myself to feel like I was okay. Around 30 I finally started dating in the BDSM scene. For me there was a big difference between fantasy and reality. Even now in my forties I feel like I barely have that worked out. What I want has changed. When I was younger I just wanted someone, anyone, to spank me! Now I want to admire and trust my spanker. I need connection to benefit fully from the possible headspace available to me. That feeling of acceptance and belonging, as well as physical and emotional satisfaction, is way better than even my best guilty fantasy. My advice for my past self would be to fully embrace what I am and to find my people ASAP. Don’t run, but do walk towards other people like myself. Yes, get spanked, but also build family. Trust that the fantasy is not out there, but that reality is more rewarding. PS A final observation is that spankings hurt a lot more in reality then they ever do in fantasy.
  14. This is a second intro for me, so hello again! I’d like advice please on making friends with fellow spankos. I am an EE and a sub, not looking for an ER to spank me, but I am most willing to befriend other spankos of any type. I have successfully integrated into my local BDSM community, but the spanking community is spread too thin! I have attended a large regional party before (LSP), and will again after SIP ends, but I’m looking for other avenues in the mean time. Looking for general advice and welcome anyone with similar goals to reach out.
  15. I don’t really have a person like that. Maybe a certain strict teacher from HS... I had fantasy spankers when I was younger. Now I realize that I need trust, connection, and compatibility in my spanker. I don’t really want someone to spank me unless I know they want to, so it cuts down on the fantasy figures.
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