As an active self-spanker myself, I still clearly remember my first ever self-spanking...what I used, what was going through my mind, how I felt physically and emotionally. And I have often wondered what it was like for others the first time the decided to spank themselves. If you feel comfortable sharing any aspects of your experience, please share. I will obviously share mine below:
I was 18, and I was "on my own" for the first time. This proclivity towards spanking had been a part of me for as long as I could remember. While I grew up in the age where the internet was getting bigger, it was one of the few things my parents were really strict about. As a result,I never even searched spanking on the internet until then...I didn't want to risk them finding out.
Once I looked it up, I realized I wasn't alone. But to be honest, I still hated this part of myself. I always did. I didn't want to be a spanko. But I couldn't help but to look at sites like this and spankingtube once I knew they existed, because they showed the reality of a deep personal part of myself that, until then, I thought could only live in my mind. These sites are where I learned self-spanking existed. I don't even know if it would have occurred to me to spank myself if I hadn't found out others did that.
My fantasy and interest had always exclusively been with being spanked. I hoped that the reality of being spanked would destroy the fantasy. I basically wanted to spank the spanko out of me. I took a thick wood cutting board and a metal spatula and just started doing it. It hurt so much more than I had ever imagined...but still, I loved it. I loved the feeling, the rush, the butterflies of anticipation, the sound, even the pain. The more I spanked, the more I loved it. I kept going harder, and honestly way more severe than I should have for a first session. I kept making it harsher, hoping to eventually hate it. My cheeks were both solid bruises before I finally gave up. I ended that session and knew that this was a part of me, and I had to accept that. But I also felt so amazing having this deep, innate part of me fulfilled for the first time ever. The reality outdid the fantasy in every way for me. That first session confirmed that this truly is a part of me, and I have enjoyed self-spanking ever since. I also now fully accept the spanko in me and even love it.