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About dkh

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  1. I think of it as a short, informal spanking that may be delivered in fun, or may be a warning that the EE is pushing a boundary.
  2. I've gotten most of mine from pros. I've wished I could have a long-term "volunteer" spanking relationship, but it's hard for me to get close to people anyway.
  3. I like the sting of a strap. I have a rubber strap that feels like my butt's being whipped bloody. I also like the shock/excitement of a good caning.
  4. The first time I got spanked hard enough, when it was over, the first thought I remember was, "Nothing hurts but my ass." I was astonished at the relief I felt. I was so used to living with nagging minor physical discomforts and my own chronic self-disapproval in the background. For once, I wasn't ashamed of myself for anything. The next thought I remember was how kind my ER had been. I'd been tied to a spanking bench, crying and wailing (in a sound-proofed room) without restraint, my face covered in tears and snot, and he never once made fun of me for it, or criticized me for over-reacting. Sometime soon after, I became aware of the pride I felt in having taken such a walloping. I felt like I'd accomplished something, as though my ER and I had built something together. Early in a hard-enough spanking, there's a moment when I think, "That one hurt almost as much as I can stand. I think I can take the next one or two. But how am I going to live through what comes after that?" And I have to make a conscious decision not to think about any spank but the one I'm getting in that moment. I agree that a too-light spanking can be frustrating. If, several minutes in, I can think about anything else besides the spanking, it's not hard enough. There's a Nirvana B-side, "Aneurysm", with the chorus "Beat me outta me!" repeated over and over. That's what I'm looking for. Freedom from self-consciousness.
  5. "my naked butt pressed against a door of white-hot brimstone, while the Devil himself kicks me with his enormous hooves from the other side." Irresistable!
  6. dkh

    Pouting top

    I quit smoking 25 years ago. People I know who've kicked booze and illegal drugs as well as cigarettes have told me that tobacco is harder to give up. Perhaps because it's acceptable in more settings (or at least it was when I started in the 70's). There are also a lot of cues and rituals that go with smoking that have rewards, and the social outlet, eg, when the smokers hang out together at break time. Giving all those up at once, along with the neurological relief nicotine brings, is a real challenge. It's a hard decision you have to make over and over again. The craving claws at your consciousness. You wake up from smoking dreams. Mood swings, eg, irrational anger or sadness, are a normal part of withdrawal, and can go on for weeks. After the acute stage of withdrawal, there's the ongoing chronic stress of knowing a cigarette would make you feel better in the short run, versus the shame you know would come from giving in. In my case, I don't think I would have given up for myself. I realized that my smoking was jeopardizing my indoor cats' health. I just accepted that I was going to put on a lot of weight, but it was worth it for their sakes (I did put on 30 pounds over the following year). I quit drinking, and socializing in alcohol-friendly settings, for 7-8 years, because drinking, night clubs, etc triggered cigarette cravings. I had to give up my smoking friends, and even visiting some family members in situations where they could light up. Where I lived then, it was common for office workers to smoke on the job. After a few months, the strain of resisting while my co-workers were smoking reached a level to where I moved to Seattle, which had recently passed the nation's strictest no-smoking rule for worksites. Even then, I started and stopped several times before I quit for good, in 1997. I'm telling you this because, from my experience, your husband is probably going through a collection of physical and emotional stressors that make it a good idea to take a break from his disciplinary role. He literally won't be able to maintain the self-control or focus that requires for a while. If he told you he'd just been diagnosed with cancer, or had a close family member die, you probably wouldn't say, "I don't care, quit whining, my kink come first." He's taking a very big, and difficult, step, for his health and for yours, assuming you're a "passive smoker" who's been inhaling his second-hand smoke. He needs your support. And if you are an active smoker, the most supportive thing you can do for him is to quit smoking yourself.
  7. In modern US culture, behavior that is classified as self-harm is categorized as a symptom of mental illness, to be cured. Wanting someone else to inflict pain on you is often treated as mental illness as well, though as kink has become more well known and accepted, it's more likely to be categorized as a form of sex or foreplay. But if you look at these behaviors across history and culture, both self-and other-inflicted pain have often been used to access a spiritually receptive state. I've never experienced getting spanked as an act of religious devotion, but I can definitely relate to it as a way to transcend the ordinariness of daily life.
  8. Something I've often thought after a good spanking: "Wow, nothing hurts but my ass!" My "inner critic" is silent for a while. Part of it is the endorphin rush, part of it is like the satisfaction I feel after a hard workout.
  9. Yes. Towards that end, I like to be tied or cuffed to a spanking bench. It's cathartic to struggle against my bonds, knowing I can't get loose, but free of the responsibility of staying in position.
  10. A few weeks ago, the gay guy who does the Dudes Spankin' Dudes podcast interviewed a straight guy who spanks men: Episode 25: Straight Dudes Spankin' Other Dudes!
  11. I'm in the same boat. I have not found a solution, but I suggest reading "Sex and Shakespeare" by Jillian Keenan. She discusses the frustrations of her marriage to her first vanilla marriage in the second half of the book. She divorced after she wrote the book. From following her on Twitter and Fetlife, I get the impression that she lives with a subsequent vanilla husband in Kenya and has a long-distance relationship with a dom in the UK.
  12. >The thing is...this is a habit that's been broken. She weaned off of it, had plenty of help, etc. An entrenched habit has built up a physical pathway in the brain. That's why people who think they've beat an addiction/compulsion can get hooked again years later after a small exposure. "Quitting" is sort of like when the Army Corps of Engineers changes the route of a river to prevent floods. In this case, the quitter has changed the routine they perform when they receive the cue that used to trigger the habit. But the same conditions that carved out the original river bed still exist, and when there is a flood, the overflow is likely to run into the old channel. The person's brain is always going to remember that the rejected habit once brought relief. Just like the AC of E has to come through every so often and dig out the edges of the channel, reinforce the riprap, check the dam for leaks, etc, the quitter has to do ongoing maintenance of the new habit, or they are likely to revert to the old. >I think her and her s panker are both frustrated with th is iss ue. This sounds to me like it's become a power struggle, ie, the spanker has become too invested in the spankee's results. Ultimately, the spankee is the one who owns the problem. I would suggest to the spanker that they step back and let this issue go for now, for their own sanity, and tell the spankee that if they want help with it, they're going to have to find someone else, eg, a therapist or a recovery group.
  13. If it was a deeply ingrained habit, it served some useful purpose(s) in her life. It would be helpful for the two of you to figure out what they were/are, and find healthier ways to meet those needs. Charles Duhigg in "The Power of Habit" says we don't break habits, we replace them. He recommends steps to do that: https://charlesduhigg.com/how-habits-work/. Several decades ago, I discovered that smoking at home with my two indoor cats was harming their health. When it came to my own health, I figured, I'm going to die someday anyway, so I'd just as soon go out with a cigarette in my mouth. But I felt responsible for the health of my cats, who were my best friends. For years, I'd been afraid of quitting smoking because I was afraid of (re)gaining weight. But I decided that I'd rather be fat, with healthy, long-lived cats, than stay skinny by smoking and give them emphysema. So I replaced the smoking with snacking. Doctors tell you not to do that, but it worked, ie, got me to quit smoking after some false starts. So that was an example of changing the reward. But the cravings were still powerful enough to be a constant distraction, and drive me to frequent relapses. One "trigger" was my job. I was working as a telephone bill collector in Chicago. Just about everyone who did that job smoked constantly while they were on the phone. I transferred to another department, where only half the people smoked, but that was still too cueful. One of the reasons I researched moving to Seattle, and did move in 1986, was that it had recently passed legislation making it illegal for people to smoke indoors at work. This was quite radical-sounding at the time. It removed a cue from the sequence of "Work -> smoke -> feel more relaxed. It took me more than 11 years to finally stop smoking once and for all. The last time I smoked was in June 1997, as I was cramming during finals week. For a couple of years, after I'd quit smoking in every other context, I started again a week or so before finals, which came 3-4 times a year. I gave the habit up for good after I graduated, and haven't resumed since. So that cue went out of my life on its own. I'm raising this because you say she resumed the habit again after giving it up for a year. What else was going on before she quit last year, that's come back around to stress her out this year? Is it a problem with an expiration date, or is it recurrent? I personally think that addictions and compulsive behaviors (eg, skin picking) are better handled by professionals in those fields than by disciplinarians. They are notoriously hard behaviors to let go of, even when the subject is eager to give them up. I imagine the -er often feels frustrated, incompetent, even personally rejected when their best efforts don't have the desired effect. But it's not about you. These behaviors have a lot of subtle physical and emotional rewards. Punishing longer and harder probably won't be enough to outweigh them.
  14. I can't speak from experience, but I think if I had a partner, I would suggest it. Both to avoid the potential for numbness or injury from a single unusually severe spanking, and because the tension of waiting for the rest of the spanking, either later that day or sometime the next, would excite me in a f'd up way.
  15. I'm almost always the EE, which I like, but I would like to get more practice at giving, because I enjoy receiving so much, and I'd like to be able to share that pleasure with others.
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