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Rand E

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Blog Comments posted by Rand E

  1. 8 hours ago, Tony Conrad said:

    You are a bit like me although I don't touch punishment. Also my wife gets nothing from being spanked so it is pointless. I'd never have sex with somebody outside of my marriage and spanking to me is sex as well. I think the most important thing in marriage is relationship and faithfulness. If spanking fits within that great.

    Well, the actual punishment spanking thing isn't looking like it is going anywhere between my wife and me.  It came about under unusual circumstances that I don't expect and hope not to be repeated.  I'm not even sure I could do it again anyways. 

    Nevertheless, it did change things just a bit.  Since then, we have had some "I've got a bone to pick with you" kind of sessions that resemble punishment, featuring a little bit more intensity for being annoyed at her about something or other, scolding her during the process, telling her that's what she gets for being a brat when she mentions her butt is sore the next day.  That is something new for us.

    A few weeks ago we had friends over, and I had too much to drink and I mouthed off at her expense, and the look she gave me, man, it was like "you are cruisin' for a bruisin' buster," and I just knew instantly what was going to happen later that night.  That's different too.  But, I'd rather take a good paddling from her than get the cold shoulder for a week or more.  

    Truth be told, we're both really turned on by it, so it's not punishment in any real sense.  It's just a new and more intense form of sexual game, more erotic for being closer to the real deal, but not really the real deal.  

    • Like 1
  2. On 1/24/2019 at 3:29 AM, Tony Conrad said:

     

    I am not in tune with the more promiscuous folks on this forum with multiple spanking partners and an active spanking social life.  But I know that this forum is a big tent, with lots of different people of different backgrounds and different needs.  It's so hard to find happiness, and so easy to find misery, I just wish the best for everybody, whatever life-style suites their needs, and that it turns out well for all.  

    BTW:  I spent some time interacting with the folks on the Domestic Discipline forum, where there were a lot more long-term married monogamous (as far as I could tell) spanking couples there.  I felt that aspect in common with them, and they seemed like the nicest folks.  But, I was also not in tune with their vision of a DD lifestyle.  My wife and I have a more co-equal marriage, and spank each other, mostly for fun, on a few occasions for discipline.  The DD folks seem to be exclusively one way dominant with some rigid rule structures and rather harsh discipline.  I can't even fathom a spanking relationship that is all discipline only and no sexual component.  So, that's not for me or my wife.
     

  3. On 1/24/2019 at 10:44 AM, FinallyFree said:

    My experiences almost mirrors Count's exactly.  After a few conversations my wife agreed to spank me and she did diligently for a couple years but often it wasn't to the intensity I needed and it left me frustrated.  I tried to communicate my needs as best as I could without  coming across as complaining by sending her articles and stories. She would pretend to read them and never really wanted to have a discussion about it saying I didn't need to explain myself.  She never initiated a spanking yet being the loving wife she was she would always oblige if I requested.  Eventually I became wore down with it all and stopped asking for them.  Before I knew it six months had passed without a single word about it from her.  Like Count, I tried doing extra things around the house like taking over her chores and doing everything I could think of to make her happy thinking it would help.  It never seemed to make a difference at all.  

    So here I am, back where I started.  I am disappointed but at the same time I do understand that she may simply not be comfortable with it for whatever reason and sadly I just think it's not in the cards for me in the way I I would like things to play out.  I have recently accepted that and I'm now in the process of trying to move past spanking as best I can.  I wish everyone else the best of luck in pursuing their spanking interests.

    I think I was lucky in that I had it in mind to find a sexually compatible partner before I even met my wife.  Before I married, some of my girl friends were more interested in spanking play than others, but when I found my wife, I got the best response and the best vibe, and I felt that we were going to be compatible.  So that was it for me.  I had all of about 5 years of dating and fumbling around with relationships where I introduced spanking with mixed results.  And some of those experiences were so cringe-worthy, I shudder when I think about them. 

    So, when I found my wife, and got very positive responses when I introduced spanking play, I didn't feel like I was going to improve my odds by continuing to play the field.  Remember, this was in the dark ages before the internet and all the resources and sharing about alternative lifestyles.  I wasn't even sure at that point that I wasn't some kind of deviant pervert just looking for somebody of my own kind.  So, I took the plunge and married my still now wife of over 25 years and it worked out just great.  But I still remember the angst and worry I had about it when I was searching for a partner.  And I know that it could easily have turned out badly.  That's why I would recommend to everybody on this forum to be careful when you make that long-term commitment - don't underestimate your own sexual nature and the sexual compatibility factors that are at stake. 

    BTW:  Just re-reading what I wrote above, I don't want to imply that sexual compatibility was the only factor I considered in finding a mate.  There were lots of other factors - sexual compatibility was just one - albeit important - factor among many.  It's a complex decision.

    Having said all that, I will say that the sexual dom/sub activities my wife engage in are light-years advanced over what we did while dating or even early in our marriage.  I don't think she envisioned any of this at the point when we got married.  But, I did everything I could to gently, gradually, carefully bring my wife along in this direction, to follow me in the path that I laid out, that I felt compelled to follow.  To my good fortune, it worked out. 

    It's a tricky business for sure.  For those folks out there trying to work this out with their spouses (or long-term committed partners), I sincerely hope you can find a way.  All I can advise, from my own limited experience, is to take it slow, be considerate, but be persistent, don't give up, and try to make it fun and sexy.  Just remember - When it's fun, it can be so damn much fun.  
     

     

     

  4. On 1/11/2019 at 5:05 AM, Tony Conrad said:

    Good post. I also find it rare to have comments from faithfully married people. I'm not into getting sex apart from marriage and that includes spanking.

    With me also we have few words about it apart from the initial time I asked her to spank me which she did. It has developed a lot since then. I suppose as she got comfortable with it it became part of the scenario, mainly when I asked for it. I sensed it did nothing for her as I was the one with the fetish as they call it. Since the children have left home it has really taken off but I always make sure she is satisfied fully in the things that she likes which one would call vanilla things really. One thing I am not into is real punishment and refuse to touch it as I believe it would affect our marriage relationship, which must come first. Also I don't watch pornography which can be mental adultery if you are not careful. Domination is out as well as that can negatively affect the marriage relationship. Most of the spanking community seem to have all sorts of partners and have no concept of morality so there is not much there to savour on this subject, so it is just between us, which is as it should be. A few times she has asked me if I needed a spanking which I find uncanny as at those times it was exactly what I was feeling.

    That's true.  There probably won't ever be many old married/committed/monogamous couples on forums like this.  As for us, my wife is too private, and it's really out of character for me to be discussing it with others on a forum like this, yet here I am because, well, just curiosity.  I grew up on the streets of Hollywood.  I had some strange friends, and even stranger acquaintances, so I developed a sort-of detached non-judgmental fascination with things that are different from me.  Even if I would never adopt a promiscuous life-style, or have multiple spanking partners, it's sometimes interesting to interact with the folks on this forum who do.  

     

        

     

  5. 1 hour ago, Somthingrandom said:

    @Rand E @Tony Conrad

    I find both of your posts interesting.

    One comment both of you made about not finding dedicated couples is probably a normal "selection bias" of these websites.  Committed couples who have it working dont hang out too much on sites for people trying to find themselves.  They are out there, just dont have as much need to talk about it on the internet.

    Every couple will be differant.  The advice I gave was trying to be general for people who have not taken that first step.  Once the conversation has started then it depends on those involved.

    Best of luck in your marriages moving forward on this.

    You are right.  The internet has been around for quite a while, and I've been a spanko even longer, but I only just recently got curious and decided to get on forums such as this and interact with people.  I'm probably typical in that regard.  If I were younger and single, I might be inclined to try to meet people with similar interests in spanking and socialize.  My wife would get mad at me if I told her that, she's a bit old fashioned.  "What??? You want to hang out with swingers and go to sex parties?"  If she knew I was posting stuff about us on the web, albeit anonymously, she'd probably give me a whoopin'.  And not the fun kind.  ;)

     

    • Like 1
  6. Maybe I'm not good at finding them, but I don't see a lot of posts on this forum from committed married couples who practice spanking.  So this post of yours is very interesting to me.  I agree with you in general about good communications with your spouse, but I have to admit, my wife and I just don't talk about these things.  You said:  

    "The issue is they have never learned how to disagree on an emotional subject and come out the other side with a resolution, way ahead, or a framework to continue the discussion without drama, blame, guilt…etc.  So before you bring up the subject consider your spouse's reaction and if you all can make it a productive conversation?  Consider their thoughts on the issue beforehand and be honest about how it might affect them and the emotional reaction.  Keep in mind that for you this subject may be a need they don’t have and have preconceived notions (odd sexual fantasy) on the subject that solicits a very emotional reaction."

    The entire evolution of our spanking practices, indeed of our sexual relationship in general, has been a process of just trying out each new thing (mostly at my behest) with no lead up or discussion, and seeing how it goes.  I never once asked her questions such as what she would think of being spanked, or of me using a spanking implement instead of just by hand, or trying out light bondage, or whatever the next step was that I had in mind.  Every step was just me introducing things in the smallest increments possible and seeing how each turned out. Then, assuming it worked out, after acclimating to the change, introducing the next change, and the next, and the next, and so forth.  The biggest challenge was to keep a slow and steady pace, not rush it and go for too much change too quickly.

    And this was not because I didn't want to talk about things with her.  I just knew that if I did ask, or try to have a frank discussion, as in the few times where I did attempt to discuss our sex life or sexual practices in any but the most circumspect way, she would look at me like I was from Mars.  The only exception was when I discussed safe words with her, because I felt we had to, and we agreed on them.  But that was a more clinical / methodological chat than anything.  I guess I don't have a clue about her sexual fantasies really.  She seems to enjoy what we do, and I guess that's what really matters.  But I wish I knew more about what she thinks, and wants, and desires.  

    And the idea of reading or watching any literature on the subject together was always utterly out of the question.  The closest I had to a moment like that with her was when we went to watch Fifty Shades of Gray, and when Christian invited Ana into his apartment, puts her over his knee, and gives her a few pats on the bare behind, then says "Welcome to my world," and I muttered something like "What world is that, guy? Patty-cake land?"  And my wife looks at me smiling and shushes me, and then I started pointing at couples near us and whispering "Do you think they spank each other?  How about them?"  and we both start giggling.  Another time, we were watching Family Guy, and Lois and Peter put on their S&M leather, she tells him the safe word is “banana,” zips his gag shut, and clocks him. I turned to my wife and told her banana will be our new safe word from now on instead of yellow, and she laughed at that. It still is by the way.  Outside of those few, rare, enchanting moments, we don't discuss or deal with this topic outside the bedroom.  I just don't, as you put it, feel that I can make it a productive conversation.  

    Nevertheless, over the years, in this slow manner of evolution, our spanking activities grew in variety and intensity.  I was able to adopt and nurture a spanking relationship with my wife involving just about zero discussion on the topic, ever.  I guess we somehow communicated all right, but none of it was verbal.      

    I am curious if any other couples have faced this kind of challenge and yet worked around it to accomplish their desires.  


     

     

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