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Tonight I find myself sitting here with that all too familiar feeling of guilt.  Why do I do things that I know I'll regret? Sometimes it's just easier maybe to give in and not put up a fight, but this only leads to more pain in the end.  Change is scary. To my mind, change seems like a threat, even if it's really in my best interest.  Maybe I don't think I'm strong enough to stick with long term change.  I've tried before and failed. My mind tells me that, but it fails to tell me of the times I've tried and succeeded.  Why is it so easy to remember all the negative things? I can almost word for word remember every insult that's been tossed at me, but vaguely remember the compliments. Maybe standing up to peer pressure for the moment would require some strength, but it would yield long term peace of mind. Being able to live with the person I am would be worth it. Why do I make choices to please other people when I know those choices will hurt me in the end? I'm ready to stop this. I am ready to put my peace of mind above everything else. I want to be proud of the person I am when I lay my head on my pillow each night.  A different choice may initially seem painful but that pain comes from steering myself out of the giant ruts I've created in my life.  The deeper the rut, the harder the turn. What would it be like to be proud of myself and to make those who care about me and who have invested their time in my life proud of me? It's not a familiar feeling, but it's one I am determined to experience.