This question seems to come up a lot. It has been discussed ad nauseum with a variety of differing opinions. Over the years I have read much of this advice and I know what worked for us. In this first post on the subject, I am going to cover some broad strokes on the issue and hopefully help somebody move ahead on this.
First, I will only be covering spouses and discussing with the assumption the couple is married and in a committed relationship to each other. I will also be biased to a male opinion for obvious reasons but will do my best to balance where I feel I have at least a clue about the ladies of the world. I am also biased by my experiences but some of the items I will bring up are universal to all relationships.
Does your spouse even know that you want this? I remember the first time I told my wife when we were engaged that spanking was a topic to discuss. I was nervous, it was hard, and thankfully she listened. But this begs a bigger question, “How well do you and your spouse communicate in the first place?”
Regardless if the subject is spanking, new car, kids, job, money, etc., can you and your spouse discuss a critical issue that leads to a productive result? Most couples cannot for many reasons. I recently had a conversation on a non-spanking subject where the gentleman considered a topic a simple matter while his spouse considered it a major emotional issue. It has since swelled to a major rift in the relationship. After discussing it with him the actual topic is not the issue. The issue is they have never learned how to disagree on an emotional subject and come out the other side with a resolution, way ahead, or a framework to continue the discussion without drama, blame, guilt…etc. So before you bring up the subject consider your spouse's reaction and if you all can make it a productive conversation? Consider their thoughts on the issue beforehand and be honest about how it might affect them and the emotional reaction. Keep in mind that for you this subject may be a need they don’t have and have preconceived notions (odd sexual fantasy) on the subject that solicits a very emotional reaction.
So my recommendation is before considering bringing the subject up, learn how to communicate with your spouse. This will help you in not only this area but also in many other areas in your relationship. For the guys, your wife will love all that talking in most cases…ladies you have a tougher nut to crack. But I will cover that in my next to post…the secret to a man's heart…if you have not figured it out already.
2. Don’t lie, manipulate, cheat, sneak around..etc.
Some of the worst advice I have seen on the internet is “find somebody else who will do it”...NO!!!! Not unless your spouse is 100% on board with zero doubt. Then proceed with much caution.
Let me explain for those that it is not obvious for. If this need is so strong that you are willing to do this no matter what, then this subject is something very profound and intimate for you that your spouse needs to be on board with. Likewise, many spouses would view this as a sexual act if they have no other context and would consider it cheating. Just don’t do it.
“But my spouse would never agree” – If you have tried all other avenues with your spouse (talking, counseling, education, etc.) and they still refuse you may just have to wait it out. It took 10 years in my case. Maybe later I will make an attempt to explain to spouses what this is all about. At the end of the day, your marriage is more important than this need. If you have to, work on your marriage first, then fulfilling this need.
3. Your spouse is not your personal porn star
I know this does not apply to all but it does apply to many. This is more for the guys out there but it may apply to some of you ladies. Your spouse is a human person with dignity and deserves your respect. But in some case, you sit around watching spanking videos, porn, and other images to satisfy some craving. Slowly over time, the urge becomes more urgent and you want this more and more. However, you live in the real world.
I hear many suggest “Show your spouse some of your favorite videos” and give them ideas. Unless you have already discussed the subject and have a very mature relationship, do not do this. Most spouses (ladies especially) are consciously or sub-consciously worried about the approval and acceptance of their spouse. You want your spouse to accept you for who you are right? Why should you expect less of them? The person on the video is not them but, in their eyes, you are asking them to be the person on the screen and not who they already are. I cannot think of a deeper insult to a spouse outside of physically cheating on them. Don’t do it.
My suggestion: For three months before you engage your spouse on wanting to spank you, dry out. If you are watching any type of pornography, videos, etc. STOP. Let your brain clear itself. This will help you to understand why you want this and not a conditioned response in your head to artificial stimuli. During this time I suggest not masturbating either…this will further clear the head. Focus on your spouse for all your sexual desires. “But he/she cannot keep up with my appetite”…then treat them like royalty. Make them want to please you because you do the dishes, buy flowers, make their favorite meal, bring him a beer while he is watching the game, etc. If you don’t know what your spouse likes and what gets them going, now is the time to find out. You cannot get until you give.
“I don’t have a problem in this area, I don’t need to do this” – Then it should be no problem to give it a try. You want your spouse to engage with you right? Is this not worth it? How bad do you really want this?
4. Know what you need and want first:
This will be the last one till next week. You cannot communicate to your spouse what you want till you know it first. Spend some quality time with yourself (see 3 above on clearing your head). Think long and hard and maybe even seek help on what you want and why. I have a very simple reason why. That is going to be the first question your spouse asks you when you tell them. So you might as well make it part of telling them.
Any salesperson, pastor, leader, or person of influence will tell you that people won’t buy, believe in or follow somebody who is lost themselves. Discovering for yourself could also help you to better understand other aspects of your life. Seek counseling if you need to.
If you cannot figure it out at some level then here is a little trick you might try if all else fails. Don’t ask your spouse to do anything but simply explain you have these desires and as somebody, you trust you would like them to work through it with them and discuss it with you. Don’t demand and don’t manipulate, but use the subject to draw you closer together. Chances are your spouse already knows something is up but they just don’t know what. Use the subject to learn more about each other and yourself…then if the opportunity presents itself you can then ask them to “play along”.
So I am not sure if this is good or bad advice but is what I have. If you have better advice or disagree the comment box is below, have at it. I will continue next week provided a mob does not come after me.
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