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gravano last won the day on October 6 2018

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About gravano

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  1. @Chawsee Thanks for all that. Good luck with everything.
  2. I can only speak to my personal experience with real life practitioners and what I have read on blogs like this one. If you enter this world with pre-existing trauma, yes, you will likely experience this as “the victim, again and again.” The person who motivated this post likes to say that about me also. It lets her off the hook and allows her the luxury of not examining her real motives. I don’t care about that characterization of me because my goal is to help EE’s be careful. I feel OK about that. I think there are moral hazards here that people sweep under the rug. As I said, the BDSM world was fun. Two people agreed on each scene and had safe words to stop it. The DD world is entirely different. One person gets unilateral authority as to whether, when, how long, and how severely to physically punish someone. For me, that added a sinister dimension to DD that I never saw in the BDSM world (although the acts I saw in many cases seemed very sinister). The people I am aware of answer to no one in their exercise of that power. I have been subjected to and told directly about horrifying uses of that “consent.” I have seen horrifying videos of spankings from these relationships where the EE’s distress is manifest, and the ER could care less and pretty much says that as the EE begs for mercy, gasps for air, and cries uncontrollably. I am pretty sure one such video involved a member of this site who stopped coming around several years ago. Yes. All that definitely informed my opinion. I also met someone known as a “kind hearted top” from this site, and she forced this lifestyle on her husband as a condition of remaining married. She had me convulsing within 5-10 minutes of spanking me, so I can only imagine what she did to her husband. Yes. That skewed notion of “consent” also informed my opinion. When I say my life was turned upside down, I am talking about beyond any session or punishment. This person reached deep into my personal life. I can’t say anymore because of the situation. Whether I came off as a “victim” during my time here or not, I wanted to help the EEs with my posts. I feel OK about that. In my case, this DD world exposed my trauma and then activated it, which gave someone the power to reach deep into my personal life and hurt me well beyond the menacing and pain caused by any one scene. So, if you’re an EE and your emotions seem off or you are somehow troubled by this activity or a particular ER, please pay attention. I didn’t ask for this interest. It resulted from how I was treated as a kid. It made me vulnerable to exploitation, physical, financial, and emotional. Unfortunately, it caught up with me with disastrous results. Consent is not a defense to cruelty. Perhaps I should have tattooed that on my ass so the right people would see it.
  3. My experience with people who practice F/M DD has convinced me that DD is just an artifice for dressing up one person’s sadism and another person’s need to re-enact trauma by saying it promotes “accountability” and “communication.” Personally, I reject that. We’re adults. If someone needs to beat someone to tears or until they are pleading for mercy or crying to “communicate” or “hold them accountable,” something else is at play. Obviously, that is not a popular opinion here, but mine never really were, and the nightmare this led to to led me to that that conclusion. Everyone else will have their own journey. Hopefully they can make it without damaging themselves or others.
  4. Not really coming around here anymore. This activity is not healthy for me. Maybe it is for you. It's not for me. It took nearly losing everything I have to find that out. If you may have suffered any kind of trauma in your youth, please be careful with this activity. It has nearly destroyed my life. It took me into the heart of darkness and when confronted with real cruelty, I could not handle it. I have been exposed to things I can't unsee. I had fun in the BDSM world, but not in this one. Making it real made it a nightmare. Consent does not absolve anyone of cruelty. It merely means they had the choice about whether to be merciful or cruel and chose the latter. If you're having a good old time with this activity, this message is not for you. Carry on. If this resonates with you, just pay attention to what you see, hear, and feel. Good luck to you all. Don't bother responding to this.
  5. When it is truly a “fetish,” I have found for myself that it is not as big a deal as I had feared. Then it’s easy to keep it light-hearted and non-threatening, like @Chawsee suggests. For me, I have switched and when it is a fetish scenario I can give for a partner who likes it whereas I never could give someone a disciplinary spanking. It seems like spanking as sexual foreplay is not all that taboo anymore. That said, you know your wife and probably have a sense of how open minded she is (or is not). All I can say is the light touch is probably the best approach if you do try to bring it up.
  6. You’re not a coward. There is a huge gulf between the fantasy and the reality. I have been spanked until I was a “snot, slinging sobbing mess,” and it was a big mistake that has had lasting implications.
  7. Jesus, this thread took a dark and scary turn. To echo the apt comments of @selfsp12, whether you have a safeword or not, consent can be withdrawn at any time. It cannot be contracted away. Many states do not even recognize consent as a defense to the level of assault being discussed in this thread. In a state where consent is a defense, if the ER refuses to stop after the EE withdraws consent, it is an assault, at which point the EE has the right to use physical force AND the ER assumes a liability for any damages resulting from the assault. If you think are a “no safeword” person, you are not, and it doesn’t matter if you’re married. If you are in a state where consent is not a defense, it is an assault right out of the gate. The rub for EEs is that once you are subjected to something as traumatic as the “woodshed wuppin’” described above, your ability to communicate may be severely impaired because you may start shutting down. Others have posted on this forum about being beaten to the point where communicating a safeword becomes impossible. Some people attribute it to “subspace,” but it could also happen if the trauma causes you to dissociate. One thing that shields the ERs is that there is a lot of shame and embarrassment that would make it difficult to go after an ER in court, especially if you’re a man. All you can do to protect yourself is pay attention to the ERs words and actions so you can determine if their intent is malevolent. If they talk like they don’t care how much you suffer or what level of distress they inflict on you, it should set off red flags. Just because something is supposed to be “real” punishment does not mean they should beat the living hell out of you, no matter what your alleged “offense.”
  8. EE’s: The answers above underscore the importance of having a strategy for handling the pain going in. When someone’s explicit goal is to put you in “distress” or give you “minimal” time to recover between blows, you run the risk of being completely overwhelmed. I have posted about pain management strategies elsewhere on the blog, but I really try to get my adrenaline gong and breathe very fast and aggressively like I was about to get into a fight. I find that growling when the pain gets too bad also helps me get into a dissociated state.
  9. I might accept it, but only so I could prove her wrong and remind her for the rest of eternity what she did to me. It is completely unforgivable.
  10. “How are you processing the pain or fear . . . “ refers to whether it has any particular meaning for you. You could think it is reflective of your conduct. You could think of it as indicative of your spanker enjoying him or herself. I have had pain where it made me think this person is a sick f@$k or that it was meant to help me. For reasons I don’t understand, I seem to have a definition of “tolerable” that differs from everyone in this activity. When I say “tolerable” I mean it does not cause any real emotional or physical injury. If you get through a spanking without either, it was not “more than tolerable” as I understand the word, I certainly meant it that way. When I refer to the pain being more than you can tolerate, I mean the point where a real fear kicks in that you are not going to be okay; when you know you are about to completely lose your s@$t and start freaking out as your body’s self preservation instinct takes over and you can’t really stop it.
  11. Focus on breathing. Imagine the breath coming in and out at the location of the pain. Mentally note the quality of the pain (size of area, burning v thud) like a neutral observer. This helps you accept the pain, which in turn helps you sink into it and go somewhat limp so your body’s fight or flight response doesn’t kick in. I have had an ER say I was challenging her by not reacting, but I explained the unfairness of punishing excessive movement and the failure to react sufficiently.
  12. It works like this: 1. Spank someone, thereby creating a ton of stress; and 2. Stop, thereby relieving said stress The acute stress in 1 is higher than what you walked in with so you do feel some relief. I have had some that were harsh, which was unnecessary and angered me. I don’t think they need to bring you to tears or create distress to work. When done well, they can help, but unfortunately, I have encountered some ER’s who have one speed.
  13. When I was young, I engaged in forms of self harm which I won’t describe here. I believe my spanking activities are a form of self harm, and certainly it has been harmful to me.
  14. Thank you, Chawsee. I really appreciate that.
  15. That is a safe, sane, and intelligent approach. I have also rarely seen it done that way.
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