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gravano

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gravano last won the day on October 6 2018

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About gravano

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  1. I’ll put this here so as to avoid any accusations of being unfair to ERs.  If you come here and read this, it’s on you.  You made the decision to come here. 
     

    Some ERs justify just about anything they do to an EE with “consent”.  
     

    Here is a simple question for EEs: in the middle of being spanked and all the emotional and physical distress it entails, how free do you feel to withdraw consent?  By “free” I am including any thing that would inhibit you, such as subspace, difficulty communicating, concern about how the ER will react, being bound by a CNC, wanting to look “tough”.  Anything.  
     

    If you’ve come at me in the forums or here on my wall, move on. This isn’t for you, and I am not looking for your input. 

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. gravano

      gravano

      I wasn’t necessarily even considering abuse here.  I just wondered if there were reasons people felt inhibited about safewording or otherwise withdrawing consent.  I have gone into a headspace where I refused to do it for reasons I don’t really know, and the ER even mentioned it as if it just meant she should keep escalating things.  I have read on here about how subspace can make it difficult to safeword.  Of course, I also wonder if people are ever worried that if they withdraw consent they lose the relationship or at least the spanking part of it.  

       

       

       

       

       

       

    3. Chawsee

      Chawsee

      @Tate999-  Yes, you nailed it!

      @rubyredd- Very well said!  I, too, believe that EEs are responsible for their limits and for carefully selecting a sane and considerate ER to begin with, and I say this as a switch. I am extremely selective about who I bottom for. I must be absolutely certain that they are someone kind and trustworthy, and then they will play by MY rules, or they won't play!

      The EE has every right to withdraw consent at any time. If this need arose, I wouldn't worry about losing the relationship. Think about it-- If the spanking gets so abusive that you safe-word, and the ER doesn't respect this, and you're then forced to withdraw consent and terminate the session, is this someone you want to see again? I sure hope your answer is a resounding absolutely NOT!

      The EE has the most power in the relationship, and he/she should never lose sight of this. It is the EE who makes the final decision in choosing the ER and consenting to the session. And during the spanking, it is actually the ER following the EE's directives and hard limits. One thing to keep in mind is, even if you're a submissive during your spanking activities, keep a strong backbone in all your negotiations, right from the get-go. Do NOT allow yourself to be at the mercy of someone else's whims.

    4. gravano

      gravano

      Except for @rubyreddyou are all missing the point if this post.  It has nothing to do with who has what responsibility or “power.” It has to do with how EEs feel in the moment when being spanked snd whether they feel any internal resistance to exercising that power.  As I explained, despite my insistence on safewords, I have felt a pull to remain stoic and do other things to endure the spanking besides using a safeword.  Things I have read here and elsewhere suggest I am not the only one.  I have felt inhibited by shame or being perceived as weak.  I have felt inhibited by sense of “not wanting to give in.”  A member of this site who was very active and well liked years ago made a lengthy post about being unable to utter his safeword due to the severity of a spanking he was subjected to.  
       

      The point was to explore how much weight to give consent when considering what was done.  Some of the comments I have gotten when I said that something someone did to someone else was awful were basically “it must be OK because he consented.”  Is that really the case?  Does “I consent” really eliminate any concerns about what was done to someone?

      I got someone on Fetlife who said he really felt he could not withdraw consent because of what had been agreed to previously.

       

       

  2. That is actually one of the best, if not “the” best, answers I’ve ever seen to this question
  3. If you are an ‘EE you have probably experienced that helpless feeling when the pain is so intense that your brain is on fire and starts flooding you with rapid thoughts.  It always seemed like my brain was trying to find some way to exit the pain and that the longer the pain persisted, the faster it went.  
     

    Once I got to this state, because of the level of panic and fear, it became very difficult to do anything that would help.  For me, the key was avoiding getting to this state.   

    There are some strategies I have used to endure spankings that may help you.  The ones I used depended on the context and severity and my attitude toward the ‘ER.  
     

    1. Adopt an angry mindset. If I can get to an angry mindset, I find that I can tolerate a lot more.  I would breathe aggressively and forcefully and even snarl and growl right from the beginning, before the first blow landed. This got me through one where skin was ripped off of me.  In the beginning the ‘ER said, “I’m going to need you to breathe slower so you don’t hyperventilate.”  I said “I’m doing what I need to do to get through this.”  Your relationship with your ‘ER may make it hard for you to get into this headspace, but otherwise it can help.

    2. Use “pain acceptance” strategies. 
    Here it is key to stop your brain from drifting into a narrative about what is happening.  Pain is often intensified by the narrative we create around it.  It is counterintuitive, but focus on the pain by imagining you are breathing in and out of the areas where the blows are landing.  Note the details like a curious observer, e.g., the area over which the pain extends, thud versus sting, how the pain radiates after each blow.  The trick is not to get caught up in thinking about these things, just observe them from a sensory standpoint. Don’t create a running narrative in your head.  Just sense and notice.  I have used this in the hospital when pain gets really bad also.  I like this technique, but it can be hard to do if the ‘ER overwhelms you.

    3. Dissociate.  Pain needs your brain.  If your brain is somewhere else, you won’t feel the pain.  There are different ways to do this. One is to imagine yourself watching the spanking from above as an observer.  Then, imagine yourself pulling away until the scene of your spanking gets smaller and smaller until you are no longer there.  Another way is to just imagine yourself somewhere else doing something.  Make it participatory so you start talking to whomever you are envisioning.  I talk to my first dog.  Not only does this help with spankings, but it can help with really overwhelming pain of other types.  I used it in the ER (the hospital kind) when my bladder came close to rupturing.  It didn’t eliminate the pain, but it did help.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    1. Show previous comments  15 more
    2. gravano

      gravano

      Mine is based on my personal experience, and I posted it on my wall so only someone who wanted to know what I had do say or an asshole looking for a fight would read it.

      And, no.  I didn’t look up your posts.  I did a search on “blocking” and ended up in that thread 

    3. shygurl

      shygurl

      Hey guys....lets tone down the arguing and swearing. You don't have to agree, but lets be adults and block each other or ignore each other. Everyone is entitled to their opinion here and all are allowed to post their personal experiences.

    4. dmirk

      dmirk

      Ukspanko is very much playing the troll here. 
       

      Yes, there shouldn’t be the profanity from anyone but there shouldn’t be constant criticism of a perfectly good post. 

  4. I appreciate that @Megthe. I just didn’t know any better, and I had no frame of reference for how it should be. Not all of them were like that all the time, and the last person I saw before I stopped the activity was very kind and caring. It is great that you are asking the question and trying to get some guidance.
  5. Accidentally posted too soon. I have asked that question of ERs several times and have observed what was done to me. I have seen widely varying answers, including: 1. “When they stop resisting” which the person confirmed meant “beaten into submission.” 2. If blood is drawn. 3. If the EE becomes non-responsive. 4. When an allegedly characteristic odor is emitted in the sweat. I believe “Caged Lion” said this on his blog. 5. When “limits” are reached, and by “limits” I do not mean the EEs “perceived” limits. I mean the point past which the
  6. I have asked that question of ERs several times and have observed what was done to me. I have seen widely varying answers, including: 1. “When they stop resisting” whi
  7. My therapy is focused heavily on spanking. We are using techniques to recover repressed memories of when it was done to me to find out how the fear of it became so overwhelming that I sexualized it and to heal the part of me that experienced the fear. My current therapist indicates I will get to a point where I don’t need to rely on it sexually, but I don’t believe it. My previous therapist did EMDR on the spankings I had with a pro I saw until 2018. She pointed out that it is considered a disorder in the DSM, which hit me (no pun intended) really hard. I have found it incredibly
  8. The compartmentalization I was referring to is not necessarily conscious. It just means that in the moment, your decision making is not what it would otherwise have been if you fully subscribe to the rule and would feel bad not to have done so because you believe in its legitimacy.
  9. I forgot this. The specific scenario that led to my comment was this idea of spanking someone and then demanding that they make a statement that shows sufficient contrition or remorse and continuing to spank them if they do not. That rings false to me. I can’t see how continuing to beat someone will elicit real contrition or remorse over the act because it is elicited under duress, like a coerced confession. They will say and do anything to end their pain. It will make them sorry that they did it because of the consequences and increase the deterrent effect, but so would spanking
  10. I agree on the deterrence. That was my point. Your point about being sorry and not just because you are going to get spanked is an interesting one. If you knowingly break a rule, why would you have done it yet be sorry independent of the punishment? The only situations that come to mind for me like that would be ones where I was so driven by some urge or perceived need to do something, that I somehow compartmentalized or ignored the part of me that didn’t want to do it and then, in a more lucid moment, regretted it. Then, I would feel sorry independent of the punishment. However,
  11. I wasn’t even talking about trauma. I was talking about whether “repentance” induced by physical pain is actually repentance. It had nothing to do with cruelty or sadism or anything like that. It has to do with whether feeling “truly sorry” can be compelled as opposed to merely yielding to the compulsion.
  12. If by "works" you mean curtails some objectionable behavior, it works by shifting the cost-benefit balance of the behavior at issue. The behavior provides some benefit, sometimes unconscious, sometimes conscious. If the benefits outweigh the consequences, you'll continue to do it. The threat of pain and/or humiliation/shame (depending on how someone experiences a spanking) shifts the balance. For example, if you have a problem overeating, it is likely because it distracts you from some sort of fear or anxiety that you may not even be aware of. If the only consequence is weight gain,
  13. Whatever. I’m the only one anyone is coming after for being too negative about ERs, so it was clearly directed at me. I had very good interactions with your ER. Now, I have none, but I have never had any reason to believe anything other than she is kind and caring. I said what I think about the issue I raised. You guys can like it, hate it, or not give a shit about it.
  14. I honestly don’t know why you think that, but whatever. There is no path to mutual to mutual understanding once you say I am lying.
  15. And of course, no one responds to the substantive point. I didn’t challenge the post that started the thread. If an EE asks for a longer spanking, fine. More power to him/her. When the conversation switched to the idea of making some one repentant or “truly sorry” for what they did as opposed to the ensuing pain, yeah I challenged it. I have challenged it for years. Just like I don’t follow every law because I agree with it. I follow many of them because I fear the consequences. I helped a guy at a parole hearing once. I’m convinced he was innocent and that his trial was a sham
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