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geeky_child

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About geeky_child

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    Advanced Member
  • Birthday September 3

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  • Age
    46
  • Location
    Michigan
  • Gender
    Male
  • Experience
    Regular
  • Role
    Spankee

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  1. I have this exact problem, and it is so incredibly frustrating. I honestly can’t do the simplest things with any consistency unless I have someone prodding me and threatening to beat my butt. Sometimes things like that can be a symptom of an executive function disorder, such as ADD. I’m actually being evaluated for that next week. I have relatives who have it and do better with medication, but they had trouble in school as kids. It turns out that school was the only thing in life that was ever easy for me. It’s everything else I’m hopeless at.
  2. I’ve gotten punishment spankings in a number of different ways, and so long as they hurt more than I wanted them to, they were all effective. I think it’s more important to me to relinquish control to the ER than it is to have any particular spanking elements. I change my mind about what elements I “want” all the time anyway.
  3. My mother used to say, “I’m going to spank the daylights (or living daylights) out of you!” I asked her what that meant once, and she said she supposed it was a threat to spank someone so hard you knocked them out cold. I was like, “Uhhhh ...” 0.o. If asked, I think I would have said that I didn’t really believe my own mother would literally beat me into unconsciousness, but the idea did make me nervous. She also used to say, “I’m about to smack your fanny!” To this day, I think she’s the only person I’ve ever heard use the word “fanny” for “bottom” IRL. I think Granny Clampett used to say it on TV, but that’s about it. My dad used to say, “I know a little girl whose bottom is going to be very red,” which always struck me as weirdly soft-core porn-y. Made me wonder about him. (I mean, this was before I technically knew what soft-core porn even was, but I already had a spanko’s sensibilities. You know it when you hear it.). My Sir actually doesn’t really use the word “spanking” in a punishment context, although it clearly is a thing he does to me. I suspect that the word sounds too mild and babyish to him. If he makes direct reference to physical punishment at all, he’ll say something like, “You’re going to get your butt beat,” or “You’re going to get the (implement of the moment).” Mostly, he threatens to spank me in oblique ways. I actually wrote what’s below to post somewhere else, but this is pretty much Sir on the subject of “beating my butt:” Signs I have exhausted my Dom’s patience: DEFCON 5: no reaction. Sir’s lowest state of annoyance. He probably does not even know I am there. DEFCON 4: looks at me over glasses, eye contact for 0.667 seconds, then back to ignoring me. Sir finds me annoying. This is normal. DEFCON 3: “Excuse me?!” Sir does not literally wish to be excused. What he wants is for me to apologize and replace whatever I just said with a different thing that does not require him to get out of his chair and beat my ass. DEFCON 2: “We are going to TALK about this.” We are not actually going to talk about this. What is going to happen is I am going to get hauled out to the garage to get my ass beat. Eventually. Sir still has not left his chair. He is currently into Angry Birds on his tablet or whatever it is he does on that thing. Angry Birds is, for this moment, more interesting than murdering me. DEFCON 1: “DROP ‘EM!!” Patience exhausted. Sir has left his chair. Ass destruction is imminent or has already started. A voice on the wind howls as buns begin to scorch. Plagues of locusts destroy Egypt. Pray, Sinners, to any gods that have not yet forsaken Man, as the annihilating fire consumes all that which once was green and good. DEFCON 0: The burnt-out hulk of a blistered butt lies smoking on lifeless sands. Sir returns to his chair. He resumes Angry Birds. Ash settles. A hollow wind moans low in the New Earth’s sterile ochre canyons. Somewhere in the heaving oceans, a cell divides. Every living individual that once existed has been wiped out, but Life itself remains. The Cosmic Dance begins again. The non-entity that once was me will not dare annoy Sir again until at least dinner time.
  4. (The following mostly only applies to folks who have intense, deep-seated needs related to spanking. If you just like a few love pats in the bedroom now and then, no one is out to get you. So don’t worry.) I am relatively out about my fascination with spanking, but for a variety of reasons, the potential consequences of exposure are comparatively slight for me. I am 100% a spankee rather than a spanker, and am therefore supposedly some kind of sick victim instead of some kind of sick predator. I am also not somebody—particularly not a cis male somebody—-whose livelihood or personal happiness revolves around being perceived as worthy to be a caregiver to children. For reasons probably rooted in a tendency to view children and females of any age as the “property” of their adult male relatives, nearly all marginalized groups have been stereotyped as “thieves of virtue” to one extent or another. As in, “Those [slurs] are gonna come and steal our womenfolk!” “Steal” in this context could mean “carry off so that they are never seen again.” It could also mean, “sexually defile in such a way that the taken property loses its value.” I’m sure you’ve seen it in fiction with old-timey settings: “Alack! Sweet Mary Jane has been ravished by a cad! She shall never catch herself a husband now!” Some of the old-time villainous stock characters seem ridiculous to us now. Nobody really thinks Italians or Irishmen or Catholics or the French or the Germans are going to swarm up out of the bars and gutters and abduct the town’s women. But people used to believe it. Ever see the WWI-era anti-German propaganda poster that slapped a German army helmet on King Kong and showed him carrying a fainting fair-haired maiden out to sea? It says, “Destroy This Mad Brute! Enlist!” on it. If you don’t know it, Google that baby. That’s “the Germans.” Angela Merckel and Boris Becker, beasts that they are, coming to bring our ladies to ruin. It’s less funny when you consider groups who have been marginalized within living memory. The Nazis feared the Jews “race mixing” with Aryan women and tainting their precious breeding stock. In the Jim Crow South, Emmett Till was murdered because a white woman lied and said he whistled at her. Until very recently, the major argument for firing homosexual teachers was the belief that they would sexually prey on children. Now it’s transgender people in bathrooms, who are supposedly out to assault cisgender women and girls. Anybody different, anybody “not from around here,” who talks in a funny language, worships a suspect God, or loves and has sex in an unfamiliar way, can be swept up in the xenophobic paranoia that causes some people to fret about outsiders stealing away their community’s valuable “virtue.” In reality, a random spanko is no more of a threat to a child than a random German, but you can’t get that sweaty preoccupation out of some folks’ minds. So if anybody around here is carrying around secret self-loathing, imagining that they’re somehow undiagnosed pedophiles, stop letting stranger-hating bigots live rent free in your head. (Unless, of course, you you do literally feel urges to have sexual contact with minors, in which case, please get help for that.) We may be no threat to children, but suspicious adults can certainly be a threat to us. There have been a whole lot of innocent people who have been falsely accused, ostracized, arrested, imprisoned, and/or murdered because someone else thought they were “the type” to sexually prey on women and kids. So hiding a powerful attraction to spanking really sucks, in fact it can feel like a denial of your innermost soul, but for some of us it just does not pay to disclose. You’re a little safer if the people around you think you’re pretty much “just like them,” whatever “like them” is in your area if the world. It also helps if people consider you female. I say “consider” because a trans woman (born with a penis) who is totally undetectable as transgender is safer than a trans man (born with a vagina) who is also totally undetectable as transgender. It doesn’t matter who and what you really are—only what others believe you are. I don’t know that anyone has ever come up with a watertight theory about why female “deviants” are usually considered less sexually scary than male “deviants.” However, I suspect it’s related to a complicated knot of assumptions based around the ideas of who can steal or destroy valuable sexual virtue, and who is merely liable to having their sexual virtue stolen. Burglars can attack you—bags of gold can’t. Or something. I know next to nothing about the lady who wrote that famous article about liking to be spanked—only that she’s a lady, and an ee. If I had to make guesses about what her life is like, I’d guess that she looks, talks, worships (or doesn’t), and loves pretty similarly to most of the people who run the police station, successful businesses, and government offices where she lives. She probably doesn’t currently work with kids or large amounts of money, so it doesn’t matter if the public considers her to be extremely trustworthy. Most likely she was in a pretty stable patch in her life when she wrote the article—not getting a bitter divorce, not broke and frantically looking for a job, not trying to get back custody of her kids. In short, not in immediate danger of losing more than she could bear to have taken away from her. I’m probably wrong about at least some of that, I could be wrong about all of it—but I suspect I’m not. And if you live in a situation broadly similar to that (for the most part I do), you seriously might want to consider being open with at least some people. Because A) living a secret double life is awful, and B ) you might convince a few more people to leave their pitchforks and torches at home when it comes to spankos. It’s a way to help spankos who just cannot afford to tell the full truth about themselves right now.
  5. I think most people who feel an intense desire or need to be spanked to the point of real pain have wondered this. As far as I’m aware, nobody’s ever come up with a definitive answer. People certainly have opinions—the internet’s crawling with those—but anyone who swears that they have “the answer” to whether spanking is self-harm is full of it. The most you can hope for is to figure out whether spanking does more good or more harm for you. You can get advice and insights from others, but you really have to make the decision yourself. You may have to make it more than once. Maybe it was bad for you while you were in a past situation or phase of your life, but it might work out well for you now. Or vice versa. That said, please follow experienced spankos’ advice about things like safe calls and how to minimize risk if you decide to meet with someone. Taking risks isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but do make sure you take well-informed, calculated risks. I really can’t tell you whether spanking in itself counts as self harm, but incautiously meeting up with strangers who have expressed a desire to inflict pain on you does suggest some self-destructive tendencies, or at least extreme naïveté.
  6. If so, how do you fix that? It's something that I don't even realize I'm doing. It's just that as soon as a severe spanking ends, I collapse and gasp like a dying fish. There's also the fact that I don't seem able to communicate during a severe punishment. It's possible that I'm one of those people who go nonverbal with intense pain, or it could be that I just am not breathing. I've only used a safeword once in my life and I had no trouble then, but I have concerns I might need to use one and be unable to. I'm aware of the trick where you hold something in your hand and drop it if you get overwhelmed, and that's a good option, but you know . . . breathing. Necessary to sustain life.
  7. Some people want a “consensual non-consent” situation where the ee agrees to put themselves under their partner’s total control so long as the relationship lasts. Even then they have a choice, though—they can leave the relationship. So pretty much all of us have some way to stop a spanking—or at least exit a spanking relationship. Does that make our spankings not “real?” Well ... compared to what? Compared to your experience when you were 3 and your mom used to whack you, and you couldn’t leave home because without her caretaking you’d literally die? If that’s the experience you want to re-create (and it is for many people, at least at first), then you are going to be disappointed. Unless you become profoundly physically and intellectually disabled, you are never going to be that dependent on someone else again. And even if you did get into a horrible accident where you needed 24 hour care, it would not be ethical or legal for someone to strike you. Because then you couldn’t consent. So if your standard of “reality” is powerlessness beyond the possibility of ever revoking consent under any circumstances, then yeah ... all adult spankings are fake. I mean, I guess you could hold out for T.E. Lawrence’s fantasy of being abducted and held in a foreign prison where you’re lashed and ravished by the Sultan or whoever it was supposed to be. Some people do want that—T.E. Lawrence, for one. But that is not going to happen. It didn’t even happen to Lawrence (even though he tried to claim it did). So, yeah, just accept some level of adult personal agency will be involved, even though no one ever fantasizes about that. Except people actually in foreign prisons being lashed and ravished by the Sultan.
  8. I’ve heard that some people have strong opinions about cheek clenching during a spanking. Supposedly, it lessens the pain and therefore shouldn’t be allowed. I’ve never had a disciplinarian who made a distinction between clenched and unclenched. I have no idea what state my cheeks are in during a punishment spanking. For me, it’s pretty much instinctual movement, like when you accidentally touch a hot stove or slam your finger in a door. The position we use minimizes the chance of drastic movement and injury. I’m usually bent over a footboard with my hands pinned between my torso and the mattress. I have actually never been reprimanded for blocking because the weight on my hands prevents flailing. (I’m also a submission sort of ee and not a bratty sort of ee, so I’m not deliberately trying to get loose.). The positioning of my body, butt in the air, weight equally distributed on bed and floor, stops inadvertent kicking or jumping up. I can and do find myself rolling from side to side or sort of collapsing at the knees sometimes, but this has never seemed to present a challenge to Sir. He’s an experienced Er, so somehow that bath brush always lands exactly where he’s aiming. Upon occasion, I’ve been spanked bent over a bed without a footboard, which takes the weight off my feet. I can reflexively kick in that scenario. Again—experienced Er, didn’t appear to cramp their style at all. We both remained safe and comfortable throughout, except for ... you know. The target. That stung like hell. I can see how sometimes restraints might be needed for safety’s sake, either when someone has like kangaroo reflexes and legit can’t help thrashing, or when someone (although consenting) has a psychological quirk where they just cannot accept holding still.
  9. Supposedly loopy johnny implements pack a powerful sting and are very quiet. Here’s a link to one from Cane-iac, if you’re not familiar with them. Do not in any way be afraid of it just because it is labeled, “Sadistic Red Loop, 15” of Hurt.” Okay, actually be afraid if it. I’ve never gotten a real spanking with one of these, just play swats, but I have heard they sting a great deal. Probably no more than a regular cane of the same width and material, though. They do not literally come from the fires of Hell. That I know of.
  10. I am just ridiculously submissive. I can be put in a submissive space so easily that I really have to watch out for it. It’s a little like falling in love, but not necessarily with a sexual component. When I want to submit to someone, I want to be around them, I want to serve them, I want to just sit there and adore them. I will want to do just about anything they tell me to do. I’ve been like this as long as I can remember. You can imagine how dangerous it can be for a child or teenager to be like this, especially if they don’t understand their feelings or perhaps aren’t even totally aware of them. I could have been in real trouble when I got a “submissive crush” on one of my high school teachers. This was in a time and place where it was acceptable for teachers to hug students and even do things with them outside of school. The sky would fall if a teacher did anything like that now. Anyway, if he was even aware that I was trotting after him like a puppy dog (probably was) he conducted himself excellently. Never touched me in a weird way, always had a group of kids around when we did things together. I didn’t particularly long to be alone with him, because it wasn’t that kind of crush, but I was so young and confused I probably could have been convinced I did. For context—I am transgender and was expected to live as a girl at the time. I was not good at it. I wasn’t very good at “boy” either. If I were in high school now, I might receive some level of acceptance as an “enby” (nb for “non-binary,” neither boy nor girl), but at the time most people probably looked at me and assumed I had something very wrong going on. (They weren’t wrong, really.). Anyway—I certainly had female body parts, and there were lots of older men who looked at my boobs and my weirdness and figured they’d found tasty wounded prey. (They had not. I was crazy all right, but not like they thought.). The teacher I worshipped never, ever looked at me like I was a thing he wanted to devour, thank God. He was and is a very decent man. The first time I almost got taken advantage of I was in my 20’s, still desperately trying to live like I thought women probably lived, and still not good at it. I still had boobs though, and I was still a ****ing creep magnet. Usually I could spot the creeps and avoid them, but I failed to identify the senior sensei at a dojo I was training at. I wanted to submit to him soo desperately. I didn’t want him sexually, didn’t want a romance with him, I just wanted to show him extreme deference in the prescribed traditional Japanese manner and do anything he told me to do. Yeah, that didn’t end well. He took to touching me and going places with me, but not in an innocent manner. It never occurred to me he was in seduction mode, because I assumed he was an honorable man and he had a wife and young child in Japan. His wife was there to be close to her family while she died of cancer, by the way. I finally figured out he wanted sex from me while I was alone with him in his house. Thank God that shattered the submissive spell. Apparently philandering ****heads do not look like Daddy Doms to me. If he had chosen to force himself on me, there would have been absolutely nothing I could have done. He was like a 100th degree black belt in about 8 things. He did not physically hurt me, but he continued to harass me. I spoke to his second-in-command sensei and she basically told me I was imagining it. So I left the dojo, which really sucked, because training-wise it was excellent. Why did I write all that? Because I am bored. My God I’m bored. I never leave the house anymore. But anyway, instinctive submissiveness is a real thing, and I wish it were considered acceptable to educate kids about it. Some of these poor children are the “natural victims” predators look for and groom until they think it’s safe to abuse them. They are not really “natural born victims.” That makes them sound like they’re defective candies that scavengers can snatch out of the trash and gobble up. The way these kids are wired does make them vulnerable, though. If people understood this was a problem, they could better protect kids with submissive tendencies while they’re too young to consent. Caregivers could then lay out the various options that are available to young adults who lean toward submissiveness. Some may never explore that side of themselves. Some may like a little power exchange in the bedroom, but nothing more. Others may seek out a sane, loving Dom/me with whom they will have a long-term D/s relationship of some kind. But all of that is “deviant” and kids shouldn’t know about it. Kind of like cars shouldn’t have seat belts because we don’t want to think about our kids getting into wrecks. Or whatever. Why are some people submissive? Shouldn’t we like, try to cure that or something? Don’t care, and no. It is, in fact, possible to both protect children and let adults live their lives. It will involve having conversations with kids that make some people uncomfortable, however. Not going to happen in a world where some folks think certain others’ mere existence violates their rights somehow, but there it is. Thank you for coming to my TED talk that literally no one asked for, and which I wrote because there’s a pandemic on and I am so bored and I can’t see my Dom and I am getting so ****ing sick of it.
  11. I am separated from my caregivers by the lockdown, and they are both so stressed they are not currently able to keep up with directing and disciplining me, even remotely. I know this is nobody’s fault, it’s just reality, but I still feel abandoned and heartbroken and aimless. Obviously it’s not just a lack of spankings that is the problem—although those do help me keep mentally stable and behaviorally on track. These are people I’ve been very involved with—dependent on—for over 2 years, and it’s like they’re just gone. I’m kind of devastated, actually. It looks like a former mentor can help me with the behavioral issues, but that doesn’t plug the aching hole in my heart.
  12. I used to be very, very embarrassed about my need to be spanked, and kept it as secret as I could manage. Then I got involved with my Sir, who enjoys telling people that he builds dungeon furniture in his parents’ driveway. He is not lying about this. We are in a 24/7 D/s relationship, which means I relate to him as “Sir” all the time. This is a thing people notice. There are also things I have to do or can’t do as part of my rules, and people notice that, too. So instead of letting people speculate and come up with something much worse than the truth, I just told everyone. I don’t actually give out specific details to vanilla people, but they know I have rules and that I’ll have to answer to Sir if I break them. They’re not dumb. They get that if I’m disobedient, I will literally pay with my ass. Besides, both Sir and I live with family, so unless we wait for some magic time when no one else is home (never happens), our relatives are going to hear me getting my butt beat. The sound of a paddle smacking a bare bottom is pretty unmistakeable, even if the ee can keep from yelping and begging. it’s sometimes embarrassing to have everybody know, like when Sir’s mom heard me getting punished and asked “what are they doing out there?” and then someone told her(!), or the time when I’d disobeyed and Sir threatened me with a severe paddling in front of vanilla friends. (I mean the threat was public. He didn’t explicitly threaten to spank me in front of everybody. However, he did tell me he once spanked a sub of his in front of her friends at a party when she behaved particularly badly. For context, Sir always spanks on the bare. So there’s that. Moral of the story: if your Sir builds dungeon furniture in his parents’ driveway, he will not be embarrassed to turn you over his knee wherever and whenever he feels it’s appropriate. You will be the one getting embarrassed, with everybody laughing at your kicking and your red bare butt. Don’t be naughty.
  13. What is Lush? The only site I know of by that name belongs to the cosmetics company.
  14. I’ve seen spanking videos where the ee broke down and shed obviously-real tears. It looks painful for the butt, but cathartic for the heart and soul. I wish I could do it, honestly. At times in the past I’ve felt real shame and remorse during a spanking, and I’ve certainly felt a lot of physical pain. But no waterworks. I love my Sir to pieces and he loves me, so it’s not that. I dunno. Maybe I’m a psychopath. 😛 Actually sometimes I wonder whether people are just wired for different emotional reactions. I can certainly feel very, very sad. I’m a lifelong depressive, actually. But for the most part I’m just not a cryer. When I started out as an adult ee I thought maybe I would have this breakthrough moment when I’d learn how to cry while being spanked. It seemed like I would somehow get better at getting my butt smacked, and work through “blockages,” or ... something. Now I suspect not. Sometimes when I’ve broken rules and know I’m going to be spanked for it I feel terribly sad and guilty and scared. I feel like a sorry little kid who actually wants a painful spanking because that means he’s paid his debt and his parents will comfort him and call him a good boy again. I really am about as wretched as I ever get while I’m waiting for Sir to send me into the bedroom for another bare-bottom paddling. (Some months ago I went through a patch where I couldn’t seem to get my act cleaned up, and I just got spanked and spanked ...). Despite all the misery though: no tears. Go figure.
  15. I was feeling really lost and sad today, so I gave myself a hard self-spanking, which helped for a while.  But now I feel lost and sad and I have a sore butt, too.  Dammit!

    1. dkh

      dkh

      I'm so glad to see you back again! 

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