Jump to content
Create New...


  • Posts

  • Joined

  • Last visited

  • Days Won


Posts posted by katekk

  1. I think people have to answer that question for themselves. Many people become sexually aroused, even if they have absolutely no desire to engage in sexual behavior. I think it’s much more complex than just “is this sexual or not.” It also has to do with intimacy, relationships, bonding, power exchange, guidance, trust — lots of things besides arousal. For many people, calling it a fetish or paraphilia is a gross oversimplification of what we need and desire in a spanking dynamic. 

  2. Technically, a fetish is a sexual desire in which arousal and gratification are linked to an object (such as feet, shoes, pacifiers, etc). Spanking is technically a paraphilia, in which sexual arousal and gratification are linked to situations, fantasies, certain people, specific behaviors, etc. These days, people use the terms fetish and paraphilia interchangeably, but they both involve sexual arousal and/or gratification.

    If there is no sexual component, then it is not a fetish or paraphilia. Maybe it would be something more like a compulsion in that case, in which people feel very unsettled unless their compulsive need is satisfied. 

    • Like 2
    • Thanks 1
  3. I think I would have to know the spanker and hear the tone of voice before I could really answer your question. The “head game” is an important aspect of the spanking dynamic. For many of us, things like power exchange, nervousness, and anticipation are just as important as the physical act itself. With my own spanker, I wouldn’t think twice if she said the things you mentioned — but I know her well, I trust her, and I know her primary concern is my well-being. I haven’t been on these boards for a long time, but I seem to remember that you have a particular issue with tops that seem cruel or sadistic. While I think tops also “enjoy” their role, you may be predisposed to interpreting things in a negative manner because of your history. If you have an otherwise good and trusting relationship with your top, you might try thinking of alternative explanations for what she said to see if that helps you. 

    • Like 2
  4. Aftercare is extremely important for me. On the few occasions when aftercare was neglected, I was left feeling insecure and unsettled. But when I do have sufficient aftercare, I feel very safe, relaxed, and closer to my spanker. I have even been known to fall asleep. I would say to just ask and negotiate what would work well for both parties. Good communication can make a world of difference between getting what you want and need vs. possibly getting something that doesn’t work for you. 

    • Thanks 1
  5. On 4/24/2017 at 4:02 PM, HeartnBottomWarmer said:

    I dont feel that you will be happy with this man. Best to start looking elsewhere.

    Just let him know:  He will submit to your spankings, or you will find someone who will.

    Let him make the decision.


    Unless you actually know these people, it seems unwise to suggest ending a relationship. Life is about more than spanking. Threatening to leave him if he doesn't comply with being hit is the very definition of coercion, which is also unwise (and abusive).


    I don't know what the prospects are of a vanilla learning to enjoy spanking. I suspect they are not very good. But I think if you value this relationship as much as you say you do, you're going to have to find ways to compromise so that both of you are getting your needs met. I think it's great that he's willing to try at all -- that's more than many of us have. Maybe just start where he is, take it slow, and respect his limits. It may not ultimately be the most sexually gratifying relationship you've ever had, but it sounds like there are lots of other rewards outside of sex/spanking. 

    Good luck!

    • Like 2
  6. Um, I don't get why you don't understand that this is a public forum and that anyone can see your comments and respond to them. This is a discussion forum. People discuss things here. If you meant to correspond with someone privately, there is a private messaging function. And no, I don't like age play, so you can stop with the condescension. 

  7. 21 hours ago, HeartnBottomWarmer said:

    I've never had this problem, lol! My gf's let me know that they wanted/needed a spanking in plain English, or by acting out.

    I suspect that the trust and communication levels are not up to par in your relationship. You should feel comfortable letting your partner know that you want/need to get it.

    I suggest that you both work on your mutual trust and communication skills.

    If you are having a difficult time letting your partner know that you need to be tended to, one area of disfunction may be that you have some distrust in how you will be dealt with. If you trust your partner and his discipline, you would have an easy time asking for it. You might even ask for it with a smile or a laugh.

    But you dont feel comfortable asking, which is not right. Do not assume that it is difficult for most spankees to ask for it. This would amount to denial. Most spankees DO NOT have a difficult time asking for it.

    So you need to ask yourself, do I really trust this guy? Do I really trust this guy spanking me? Totally?

    If you do really trust your partner, you should take a look at your communication skills. Can you be open and honest with your partner? Why not?

    Start by having talks with your partner.

    Do you even feel comfortable having specific talks with your partner? Or is your partner difficult to talk to? If so, you can see the root of the problem right there. Right?

    Did you even read the replies in the thread? Lots of people have a hard time talking about it or asking for it -- for several different reasons. It doesn't have to mean that there's something wrong with the relationship.

    I trust my spanker completely, but it's still hard to talk about (for the reasons I mentioned above, none of which have anything to do with trust). Luckily, I have a spanker who is both patient and skillful at helping me be more open about my needs. 

    • Like 4
  8. "Have your mentor give you a good scolding ..."

    "Have your mentor make you count your spanks ..."

    I'll tell you what -- how about if YOU give MissB those instructions for giving a good spanking. She just LOVES to be told how to spank! The more detail the better.

    I'll be standing by with the tissues for when she makes you cry. 


    • Like 1
  9. 1 hour ago, MrBottoms said:

    1st: She had been warned by several present, more than once, to either keep quiet or leave, of which she did neither.

    2nd: everyone present was merely shocked & relieved at the same time that I followed thru after several chances for her to stop.

    3rd: she did not speak to me again only b/c she was embarrassed. She called my bluff & then discovered that she deserved it.

    4th: You committed a crime and should have been prosecuted for it. 

    • Like 3
  10. 2 hours ago, PatrickCleburne said:

    Not that I'm disagreeing with you at all but you can see why she didn't. When you think about it, it becomes worse. At 23 in 1982 she had likely been spanked by a parent (or other) relatively recently. So it would have been semi-normal. That's reinforced because (at least as I take from the story) none of the others in the group came to her defense. As the youngest, she's simply reduced to child. She was probably feeling very much like a bad little girl who deserved it. (Don't get me wrong, that is fine -- even good -- in consensual play; but this clearly wasn't that.) So after all of that, do you then want to call the cops and further embarrass yourself when your entire social group has just implicitly told you it's cool? There is a word for what happened there that day and it isn't discipline.

    If you hit someone without their consent, it's battery -- and it's a crime. The fact that she was behaving rudely is not a defense for battery, nor is it OK just because he wasn't charged or prosecuted. 

    Sorry to go off topic -- but stories like this upset me. They imply that non-consensual "spanking" (if you can even call it that) is sometimes OK. It is NEVER OK. If she, in fact, was made to feel like she was to blame for being assaulted, then that's even worse, in my opinion. It's similar to a woman being made to feel she was to blame for being raped because she was drinking or was dressed provocatively.

    There's something wrong with a man who can't keep his hands (or other body parts) to himself or who cannot resolve an annoying situation without resorting to violence. It's not cute, it's not funny, and we shouldn't be trying to justify it.

    Now back to your regular programming ...

    • Like 2
  11. 3 hours ago, MrBottoms said:

    One particular sunday while I was sitting next to her on a couch, she mouthed off once too many times. So, I grabbed her by the wrist, swung her over my lap, & proceeded to wallop her little hiney continually for a full 30 sec. Most everyone there was taken by surprise. The sad news? She never spoke to me again. But the glad news? She never again disrupted another gathering. 

    You're lucky you weren't arrested for battery. If someone did that to me, I would call the police. Whether I ever disrupted another gathering or spoke to you again would be the least of your worries. 

    • Like 1
  12. I think that's a wise choice. 

    Let's face it -- adult spanking is not viewed favorably by the vast majority of society. Some even view it as weird, sick, or dangerous. In my admittedly limited experience, I am not very hopeful about the prospects of convincing "vanillas" to engage with us in a way that they find basically aversive.

    There may be a small chance that you could convince them to do this for you. But I think there's also a chance that the discussion could change the relationship that you value so highly, or at least introduce some awkwardness. In my opinion, it's probably best to stick within the known spanko community to get these kinds of needs met. (But take your time and choose wisely.)

    Good luck!

    • Like 2
  13. I have a pretty strong opinion about this. 

    Behavioral reinforcement should be based upon your goals, not his. If you do not feel cannabis is a problem, then it shouldn't be an issue at all. If he insists on "punishing" you for it, then it's more about his need to control you than it is about your need for his help. Any goals you set together should be meaningful to YOU. If it were me, I would just say that goal wasn't working for me and was no longer on the table.

    But then again, I'm not a natural submissive and do not submit just because someone tells me to. I only submit when it's in my best interest (and with someone I trust, who I know also has my best interests at heart). In my relationship with my disciplinarian, we discuss lots of things and I give her pretty  broad authority to impose some structure to help me with certain behaviors (like sleeping, for example, which is a huge problem for me). If I was smoking weed and she had concerns about it, she would definitely discuss it with me. But she wouldn't impose a rule arbitrarily. Part of the problem is that you agreed to this rule, so if you've discovered that it's not working for you and you don't intend to abide by it, then it's up to you to renegotiate it with him.

    Maybe he is uncomfortable working with people who smoke weed (just like some people are uncomfortable working with people of certain genders or ages, etc). If that's the case, then you'll need to have a discussion about whether this relationship is the right fit for both of you. 

    I guess it also partly depends on what your role is with him. I don't completely understand the D/s dynamic, so I can't give you input from that perspective if that's the case. 

    Good luck!

    • Like 4
  14. I'm definitely "hard-wired." I've had this fascination for as long as I can remember -- looking up "spanking" in the dictionary, playing "spanking games" as a child, being very attuned to any reference to it in TV, movies, casual conversations, etc. It's not important to me anymore to try to understand where it came from. I've just accepted it as a part of who I am. I do sometimes wish I didn't have it, though -- it can be burdensome. But I wouldn't trade the friends I've made because of it  for anything in the world!

    • Like 5
  15. 8 hours ago, Torc87 said:

    I think I associate the limits and discipline w care and attention. So why wouldn't care and attention make someone feel safe?


    Plus, I experience a level of honesty and emotional intimacy with my disciplinarian that I don't experience with hardly anyone else -- knowing that I can be my authentic self with someone and not be rejected for it makes me feel very safe and secure. 

    • Like 2
  16. "The first action to be taken is to pull ourselves together. If we are going to be destroyed by an atomic bomb, let that bomb, when it comes, find us doing sensible and human things -- praying, working, teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting to our friends over a pint and a game of darts -- not huddled together like frightened sheep and thinking about bombs."

    ~ CS Lewis

    • Like 3
  • Create New...

Write what you are looking for and press enter or click the search icon to begin your search