katekk

I think people have to answer that question for themselves. Many people become sexually aroused, even if they have absolutely no desire to engage in sexual behavior. I think it’s much more complex than just “is this sexual or not.” It also has to do with intimacy, relationships, bonding, power exchange, guidance, trust — lots of things besides arousal. For many people, calling it a fetish or paraphilia is a gross oversimplification of what we need and desire in a spanking dynamic.

Technically, a fetish is a sexual desire in which arousal and gratification are linked to an object (such as feet, shoes, pacifiers, etc). Spanking is technically a paraphilia, in which sexual arousal and gratification are linked to situations, fantasies, certain people, specific behaviors, etc. These days, people use the terms fetish and paraphilia interchangeably, but they both involve sexual arousal and/or gratification. If there is no sexual component, then it is not a fetish or paraphilia. Maybe it would be something more like a compulsion in that case, in which people feel very unse

Do you think she is a sadist? If so, why do you continue to see her? And if not, why not relax a little and give her the benefit of the doubt?

I think I would have to know the spanker and hear the tone of voice before I could really answer your question. The “head game” is an important aspect of the spanking dynamic. For many of us, things like power exchange, nervousness, and anticipation are just as important as the physical act itself. With my own spanker, I wouldn’t think twice if she said the things you mentioned — but I know her well, I trust her, and I know her primary concern is my well-being. I haven’t been on these boards for a long time, but I seem to remember that you have a particular issue with tops that seem cruel or s

Aftercare is extremely important for me. On the few occasions when aftercare was neglected, I was left feeling insecure and unsettled. But when I do have sufficient aftercare, I feel very safe, relaxed, and closer to my spanker. I have even been known to fall asleep. I would say to just ask and negotiate what would work well for both parties. Good communication can make a world of difference between getting what you want and need vs. possibly getting something that doesn’t work for you.

I don't see a pic of headless dirty feet ...

Yes, I know you flung your body in the storm's path in a valiant (yet vain) attempt to halt the destruction. I thank you for your bravery and selflessness. ?

Unfortunately, I do know the storm's trajectory, and I'm afraid I will not have adequate cover to protect myself. ?

Touching someone sexually without explicit consent is sexual assault. Like Ben said, if the spanker cannot "control" him or herself and refrain from sexual behavior that has not been agreed to in advance, then that person should not be a spanker. If this had happened to me, I would call it rape.

Cyberian: What kinds of studies are you doing? Where have you found published studies on spanking or BDSM? Where have you found evidence of genes that determine dominance or submission, and by what process are they inherited according to gender? Thanks.

(Filing my nails, watching from the background, still pleading the Fifth ...) ?

I don't like to ask and won't ask. It's embarrassing and it feels like I am taking charge -- which is the opposite of the surrendering of control that appeals to me. As for the other specifics, I plead the Fifth. ?

HeartnBottom: Unless you actually know these people, it seems unwise to suggest ending a relationship. Life is about more than spanking. Threatening to leave him if he doesn't comply with being hit is the very definition of coercion, which is also unwise (and abusive). Voxy: I don't know what the prospects are of a vanilla learning to enjoy spanking. I suspect they are not very good. But I think if you value this relationship as much as you say you do, you're going to have to find ways to compromise so that both of you are getting your needs met. I think it's great that he's wil

Um, I don't get why you don't understand that this is a public forum and that anyone can see your comments and respond to them. This is a discussion forum. People discuss things here. If you meant to correspond with someone privately, there is a private messaging function. And no, I don't like age play, so you can stop with the condescension.

Did you even read the replies in the thread? Lots of people have a hard time talking about it or asking for it -- for several different reasons. It doesn't have to mean that there's something wrong with the relationship. I trust my spanker completely, but it's still hard to talk about (for the reasons I mentioned above, none of which have anything to do with trust). Luckily, I have a spanker who is both patient and skillful at helping me be more open about my needs.