I'm sorry. I understand. I struggle with the same problem. I think for me, spanking is more of stress relief for me. It might be different if I lived with a spanker or had one locally, where a punishment could quickly follow any misdeed. Mine are usually well after the fact and it's hard to associate the two in my head.
A super stingy punishment would be dreaded for me, but the effects go away almost immediately. One that provides lasting soreness is also what I need just for stress relief, so is it really a punishment? If one went past that to actually hurt me, it could border on being