JenniferAnn

What you did in the beginning was shut down a section of your emotional range to be able to continue to function. If my experience is at all comparable, spanking alone will never be enough to reconnect you to the emotional tears you want. You've already known pain on multiple levels and developed a system to handle that. What you need is an emotionally safe space to have your feelings without judgement and depending on your circumstance, some self-forgiveness. Spanking can help with finding forgiveness of self but not without a lot of internal work already put in. It isn't fair or even c

I believe I was created a specific way for good reason. Denying any part of who I am is no different then telling my deity they don't know how to do their job. I'd like to believe I'm not capable of being quite that egotistical. It might seem self serving but I've never found suppression of self to lead to any place anybody truly wants to be. I spent years trying to live like other people thought I should and it left me filled with rage and suicidal ideation. Finally I had to sincerely ask myself if someone else's comfort was worth dying for and if it's not what the hell have I been doing. For

I've watched and been watched. Only the first time was I even so much as asked in advance. I didn't realize then that I was granting it for the entire relationship. I learned to ignore the audience and my feelings, to play a role to prevent my spanker from being viewed poorly by those in attendance who, like myself, had this scene sprung on them. I know how to disassociate at will. If I don't want an audience then in my mind they (and any embarrassment I might have felt being watched) don't exist. Its the thing that allows me to bend to a Master's wishes regardless of my personal feelings and

For me a wide range of fantasies began between the ages of 3 and 4, spanking among them. I know now that a lot of it was me learning how to cope with the abuse I was enduring but that knowledge wouldn't come until adulthood.

A professional worth their salt would tell you that you're pretty normal. Spanking is a common kink and centuries-old. Conservative societies are full of "alternative" sex practices. In general, humans don't like to be told what to do so that which is deemed forbidden becomes especially enticing. There's a kind of high in that which is considered taboo. When the mystery and stigma is taken away the draw to it wanes in greater society.

While it appears to function much the same way there is a world of difference between masochist and self sadist. Personally I'm best described as a self sadist. I require a heavy handed approach that sometimes meets the requirements for torture. I've had sadist spankers break down and cry over what they've done and question who they are as people while I'm trying to figure out what I can do to help. Historically, thanking someone while they are going through that only leads them to hate themselves more. Damage can be far more than physical and doms need to know its okay for them to safeword to

There is a point when the body starts to numb out the worst of the pain. The point is different for everyone but I've found if a person has chronic pain issues that line is crossed far earlier than our generally pain-free counterparts. I think it's a body defense mechanism being triggered.

Ya know, this post made me realize that my last spanking was so long ago I have almost no memory of it. I think its been three years but it feels a lot longer. It was Easter. I remember it was punishment but not what I did and that I refused to allow myself to cry until it was over. I know that I was over his knee, that I blistered and they broke open, that it was the first time anyone cared enough to clean me up. I was sore for most of a week. He held me for a long time and let me lay by his side, which was also a first. I can't remember what we talked about, the clothes we wore, the sound of

This is going to sound like the strangest thing on earth - Be grateful for every last inch of that hateful strap. Remain as limp as you can and take the pain through the whole of your being. Accept it all as a precious gift because one day this is going to be a fond memory and you will long for the simplicity that right now you don't even realize you have.

Even the concept of weird varies wildly between individuals. I've found that if the action isn't hurting anyone or forcing anyone to unwillingly participate, the opinions of others hold no meaning. Unless you need outside negative reinforcement about diapering to feed an internal shame or embarrassment factor I'm not sure why you'd ask. Admittedly I can be a bit dense so please accept my apology if I have offended you. It wasn't actually my intention.

Sick for me always sucks hard. I have Epstein-Barr so anytime I get sick I'm also hit with mono like symptoms, leaving me exhausted to my soul. Staying awake feels close to impossible and without fail someone somewhere is going to insist that I stay awake and do more than I would normally do while well. I'll whine about the snot, apologize for whining, probably refuse to eat, get more nauseous from lack of food, be all kinds of cranky, apologize for being so stupidly cranky, and eventually decide I'm going to sleep no matter what anyone else has to say on the matter because even I can't stand

I'll accept whatever it is I've earned. I learned the hard way not to do anything I'm not willing to accept the consequences of. This means it doesn't matter if I have permission to talk or not, if I didn't do it I will fight you tooth and nail because I never agreed to be anybody's whipping boy.

From the research I've been doing Islam has 72 schools of thought. To compare, Christianity has over 300 denominations.

Spanking provides a much needed emotional release that brings the calmness you've mentioned. Yeah, the release triggers all kinds of stuff in the brain (endorphins included) but its because so much is dependent on the psychological component that the required intensity shifts with your mood.

I'm the type who finds light spankings to be like sad, poorly done foreplay. It leaves me angry, unfulfilled, intensely disappointed, and wondering what the point of it was. Punishment and reward exist in the mental space I'm in, not in the action taken.