I think you know that the answer to all of your questions is to open up totally to him. And yes, I know how hard and scary that is. But until you do, you will be constantly asking this same question and tiptoeing around the real issue -- and never getting what you really need.
If it's too hard to talk to him about, write him a letter or give him an article to read -- perhaps Jillian Keenan's New York Times article would work.
Good luck. You have my support. I had this conversation with my wife over ten years ago and I'm glad I did. Maybe not initially or all the time, but I'm happy she knows this side of me. And she is too.