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DunBenSpanked

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DunBenSpanked last won the day on May 15

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  • Age
    65
  • Location
    Mostly OTK
  • Gender
    Male
  • Experience
    Regular
  • Role
    Spankee

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  1. When someone you care about fails to see the love right in front of them, and misjudges a heart that cares,  for one that intends harms - it's incredibly sad and hurtful.

    It's happened to me once too often here, I doubt I'll run the risk again.

    Hopefully it's true that one is never too old to learn
    ☺️

    1. shygurl

      shygurl

      I'm so sorry. That kind of hurt is heartbreaking,

      I don't think we are ever to old to learn.

      Just know you have friends here and some of us think you are pretty damn wonderful!!

    2. michgal.k

      michgal.k

      :hearts: Your heart is definitely full of love❣️ Your hand however....💥

    3. rubyredd

      rubyredd

      I'm sorry you are hurting. I am a firm believer in never giving up hope - even if you have to move on from one person or thing. 

  2. If you are inclined to be offended or angry by someone offering an opposing viewpoint, then it would be best NOT to post your opinion in a section called "Debate".

    If you just want to offer your opinion without opposition, then perhaps posting to your profile is better.

    Screen Shot 2023-05-15 at 10.12.04 AM.png

    1. Chawsee

      Chawsee

      I think we get the message, and this can now be put to rest. 

    2. michgal.k

      michgal.k

      Debates are fun until someone ends up OTK. 🖐💥🖐💥

    3. DunBenSpanked

      DunBenSpanked

      ..if that's the way debates ended, I'd start them constantly

       

  3. Please forgive the length - Considering the tone and fallout from recent exchanges in the Debate Section, I wanted to share something I wrote 11 years ago when something similar happened here. It really belongs in a blog space, it's a true story and hard-learned lesson about being careful with words...
    ==========================================================================

    Some Bites Are Final  
    A Cautionary Tail of Online “Debates”

     

    I got bit by a dog today.

    In the course of 14 years working with dogs, it has only happened a couple times - but this little guy got me good. Recently rescued and adopted from a local shelter, “Oscar” had just been brought home by an elderly couple hoping to give him a good home for the remainder of their (or his) life. A nine year old dachshund with a severe cleft lip that gave him one of those “so-ugly-he’s-cute” looks, made Oscar a less-than-desirable candidate for adoption, so I was thrilled that these folks had chosen to give him a chance.

    I was even more impressed that they had hired me as a trainer to help them with the transition. Nine year old dogs with an unknown background can often have issues that are difficult to access and deal with, and they felt using me gave them and Oscar the best chance for this relationship to succeed.

    When I arrived, the doorbell triggered Oscar’s defensive barking. I had visited previously, but I could tell from his bark that in just a few days, he had already taken ownership of his new home and adopted family. The door opened and I was greeted by Oscar furiously wagging his tail while his owners escorted me into the house. As we talked, he went to another room - returning to show off one of his many new toys- dropping it at my feet repeatedly in exchange for a neck scratch and a butt pat. I reiterated my appreciation to them for their willingness to rescue an older dog, and we moved towards the backyard to begin training. When I went to put the leash on Oscar, that’s when it happened. If you have never been bitten by a dog, the thing you can’t imagine is how fast it can happen. In a flash - literally a fraction of a second, Oscar snapped and sank his teeth into my thumb. And unlike a defensive bite which releases immediately, in this case I felt him aggressively grind his jaw tighter, crushing my thumb and sinking his canine teeth deeper, all the way to the bone at the knuckle, and all the way through at the top and on the side.

     

     

     


    Using my free hand, I grasped his upper jaw and pried his teeth out of my flesh. Immediately bright red blood spurted from the wounds, covering my hand, running down my wrist and then my arm. Puddles formed on the concrete as I let the puncture wounds bleed out for a minute to combat possible infections. My clients were horrified. Before I could calm everyone down, Mrs had dashed inside for first aid supplies, and her husband had snatched the leash. “THAT’S IT, YOU’RE GOING BACK!”, Mr declared, as he jerked Oscars leash and led him back into the house. My heart sank. I called out to Mr to offer some encouragement and hope that training and time would help, but I’ve been around long enough to know a mind that’s made up when I hear it, and I knew his mind was made up. Tragically, I also knew that in that instant, Oscar had most likely sealed his own fate. At his age, with his deformity, the odds were already stacked against him for adoption. But now, with a history of biting and aggression - he would most likely not get another chance.

    As Mrs helped me clean the wound and wrap my thumb, I tried to gently persuade her and see if there might be hope for Oscar through her. “No” she said, “the problem is that Mr gets so attached to a dog, that losing one nearly kills him.” She continued, “We just lost our dog of 10 years, and he’s not going to let himself get attached to a dog that’s likely to cause a heartbreak later- it’s just too painful”. She went on to reveal that earlier in the week, Oscar had already snarled menacingly and nipped at visiting family members. “I’m afraid Oscar has bitten the wrong person at the wrong time - Mr’s mind is made up”, she said, confirming my worst fears.

    I left, and as I thought about Oscar and this situation, I choked up as I felt the sadness in me continue to grow and deepen. “Damn it, he had it made”, I thought. “All he had to do was let these people love him and take care of him”. The likelihood of an older dog having issues and baggage is high, but I thought “if only he could have set his defensiveness and aggression aside...instead of assuming someone was going to take something from him, or hurt him..... if he could have just given us a chance before snapping...”.

    As I sadly contemplated Oscar’s inevitable fate, I considered that like many people, through the years I’ve had friends come and go. I’ve been blessed by the loyalty of some and devastated by the  betrayal of others. I have felt the support of love, as well as the pain of unjustified aggression. I've seen others reach out to someone to try and love and care for them, only to be misunderstood and “bitten” by gossip, rumors, insults and manipulation. Sometimes those “bites” were insignificant enough and recovery was quick enough that the relationships survived. But often words and/or deeds can inflict a wound so deep that it bleeds profusely and recovery is long and painful. And although the wound may heal and the pain passes, a scar is left behind as a reminder of a relationship that died, or is forever changed.

     

    I called a few days later to check on Oscar and spoke with Mrs; “I’m sorry to say we took him back to the pound that day” , she said. “I think they put him down this morning” she added quietly. I could hear the pain and sadness in her voice as she choked back tears, and as the tears in my own eyes began to well, I felt my own heart break.

    I hung up the phone and silently made a promise to myself. As each day passes and I become more and more of an “old dog” with my own issues and baggage, I swore to myself to be much more careful in the future to be quicker to understand and slower to snap at those special people who are trying their best to love and care for me.

    ...and I reminded myself that there might be others who, like Oscar are so controlled by the Hate and Hurt behind and within themselves, that they fail to see the Love right in front of them. Sadly, that kind of person is prone to misinterpreting a hand that cares,  for one that harms; and in making a choice to bite, makes a choice that sometimes cannot be unmade.


    We tend to think there's going to be second chance...

    ...but some bites are final.

  4. very well said...had I seen this before making my last comment, I would have felt I didn't need to.
  5. We have all of those "luxuries" because our spanking thing is a fetish, so we can be functioning members of mainstream society without anyone knowing, someone knowing or everyone knowing - it's our choice. Not so with issues like race & sexual identity. I'm honestly embarrassed to admit this, but back in the 80's, I remember watching a Gay Pride parade in NYC on television, and I think I actually said out loud "if they would just dress like everyone else, blend in a not be so flamboyant, people would accept them more". What I had no clue about at that young age, is that the same thing was happening at that parade that happened at a bridge in Selma, Al. People whose identities, albeit their skin color or their sexual orientation, felt forced through years of being pushed into the shadows to band together in order to claim their place in mainstream society. Sadly, it's been a historical tradition that whether you're black, Jewish, Irish, Polish, gay, trans, poor, minority, etc, etc or FEMALE - you've had to band together, get up in the face of mainstream America and fight for your right to be recognized and have an equal place in society. We spankos are not forced into the shadows, we voluntarily play there (or not if you've ever been to one of the spanko gatherings in Vegas 😂😂😂) At least that's what I've heard 😉
  6. The intentional effort to divide people to accomplish an agenda is as old as history and never more evident then it is today. Whether it was a southern state governor who stood in the doorway of a state university to block black students from entering, and rally his white constituents to keep him in office to continue the fight, or a failed artist who joined the army and rose to power by promoting the idea that some belonged to a master race being threaten by an entire ethnic population of which he would eventually kill millions. The "Us vs Them" playbook has been the consistent strategy for some who seek power. The chants of "Jews will not replace us" can still be heard, and rather than focus on the global crisis that creates the issue, some in power beat the drum that immigrants are only coming to steal jobs and benefits so they can be re-voted into their positions of power to "finish the wall"... While corporations may not intentionally sow the seeds of division, they certainly take advantage of the division others create. Subtly, everything from colors to fonts to music to phrases from all sides of an issue are used to send the signal "we're on your side, so you should buy our stuff". ...and to echo an earlier sentiment, how ironic that an "Us vs Them" seed has been planted and has sprouted on a forum meant to celebrate a fringe fetish like spanking of all things. If you are one of the people who is made "uncomfortable" by being around Trans people, or even being near conversations about sexual identities - imagine if at your next neighborhood BBQ, someone loudly pronounced " HEY, I HEARD YOU WERE INTO SPANKING PEOPLE!"...if you think your presence wouldn't suddenly make other people uncomfortable, you're fooling yourself. And try for a moment to imagine the judgment you would immediately endure, and the challenge you'd face trying to make people understand something that you barely understand yourself. My guess is that we have all struggled with that part. Just to be absolutely clear, in my book, realizing that others are dealing with their own shit, the same way you're dealing with yours, and granting them the grace and acceptance that you want for yourself, is the very definition of "Woke".
  7. Sadly, it seems that in recent years the real insidious agendas promoted by many in politics and business are designed to manipulate us by painting the world as "Allies vs Adversaries". When we choose to define "Allies" as "everyone who agrees with us" and "Adversaries" as "anyone who disagrees with us", then in my opinion we're the ones who ultimately lose. This "debate" has caused me to take a look back and I can honestly say that in my 67 years, I have never ever walked away from someone I considered a friend & ally, or even turned my back on someone who considered me one of theirs. I have a shitload of faults, but Loyalty and Devotion are my superpowers. I have had to endure the loss of people who decided for various reasons they were no longer friends of mine over differences of opinion - but the decision to walk away and give up on the friendship has never been mine except where someone has demonstrated they were never a friend to begin with Frankly if I may be so bold as to say, MissBam and I are the winning lottery number of true friends - we open ourselves up to those we choose as friends, and our devotion to those in that circle is nearly unlimited - and our commitment to our friends holds in spite of differences of opinion. We define "Ally" as someone who shows up, who hangs through the tough times and who celebrates with you during the good times and whose devotion, respect and love is deeper than our shortcomings or their ideologies and opinions. If I restricted my allies to just those who agree with me or those not willing to disagree, it would leave me with just my dogs... No wait, they disagree with me all the time over having to wait for dinner and go outside...😂
  8. yes we can, it's called "private messaging" We have a fundamental disagreement that the toxic fallout from un-moderated debate can somehow be "just ignored" or even contained. There's a lot of historical evidence here to that point. But this is not a hardware store, a general store or a walmart -Spanking Needs is a specialty boutique (at least in my opinion and at least up till now). If people want things (like political arguments) offered by other "stores", that's where they should shop (log in). People go to a specialty store for a reason. Again, The only actual justification I see being made for an off topic, un-moderated forum is - people need/want a place for unfettered debate and argument. My answer (if I were the shop keeper) is: Tough, if you want to do that, do it somewhere else. This "shop" was opened to talk about all things spanking and related. ps: I'm an Idealist in the truest sense (to my detriment) but the idea that what is going on in that section helps develop relationships between people seeking to get to know each other better, is a really hard sell. pss: I am happy however, that we've demonstrated that civil and spirited debate (related to spanking) is possible between grown- ups - thank you!
  9. Why? I disagree Specialty Forums are created specifically for discussion of certain, limited topics. I don't go into a bakery and ask for bolts and screws, why would I subscribe to a forum about a specific subject expecting to find discussion or debate on unrelated subjects? Probably more to the point, it is up to the shop keeper and owner to decide what items to stock. The idea every forum should have an off topic debate section, is like saying that every store should stock lawn mowers, because lots of people want lawn mowers. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I think the majority of folks come to a Spanking Needs forum to debate and discuss spanking needs and related subjects. Even in school when tensions arose between students, most teachers would say "take it outside" in order to maintain order in the class for everyone else. Having an offtopic debate section is like the teacher saying, "take it to the back of the room", thinking it won't continue to disrupt the class. Lastly, the damage is and has been more than collateral - we just can't quantify it because it's manifested in members who drift away from the conflict and toxicity and leave the forum, as well as relationships that become broken or damaged. That concludes my argument. I believe I have a valid point, but maybe not - it's just an opinion based on my experience and intuition. I'm not the shop keeper, I'm just a long-term customer😉
  10. I hear you, but the trouble is that history here shows it is never contained, it nearly always spills into the main forums. You're absolutely right, debates happen anyway in the forums - which are moderated and dedicated to the topics of spanking and related, consistent with the name of the site. In my opinion, if folks desire to debate politics, religion or any ideology rather then the subject for which the forum exists - then there are plenty of other place to so that. I too have been a moderator on a couple professional forums, and the creator and administrator of another, so while I appreciate your analogy of a controlled burn (I LOVE analogies 😉), anyone who has been here 10 years or more knows that burns are rarely control-able here without significant collateral damage. ..and look at us we're debating😂
  11. I'd like to respectfully suggest that the "Debate Forum" be eliminated. If there anything that the last 6 years should have taught all of us, it's that no one really wins social media debates - the benefits are low and the costs can become exceedingly high. On other social media platforms, I have never once "unfriended" someone for having a different point of view, but I have cut connections to people who inject personal hatred into the way they express their view. I have never once turned my back or discontinued a friendship with someone I considered a real-life friend for having a different opinion then mine. But sadly I have had several people I considered true friends, walk away from my friendship because of my beliefs. I know it's easy to say things like "well, they were never really your friends anyway" - but it's still painful to have someone you care about and trust, suddenly be willing to flush the relationship. More to the point is this: Why have an off-theme debate forum that has nothing to do with spanking when there is a plethora of alternative toxicity-infused social media platforms where people can debate any topic they want, all they want, and when we have the mechanics here for anyone to argue all they want in private? History here has proved that ultimately, un-moderated, cage match debates spark the creation of tribes and alliances that ultimately spill over into the forums that we all actually come here for - All Things Spanking. I totally applaud the owners and moderators for their well-intentioned willingness to accommodate the desire some folks might have to debate anything and everything, but I think that cost of divisiveness far outweighs the so-called "reward" of open, all-topic, online debate. Just my opinion
  12. What is clearly evident to me, is at your core - you are concerned for children. We might have differences regarding how that concern is manifested, but we can find common ground and a starting place by agreeing on our respective concern for kids. I'd like to look into this further, could you share specifics or a link to these cases where you know children to have been told to question to question their sexuality? (I assume we all know that teaching children about the variety of sexual identities is not the same as telling them to question theirs). I'd also appreciate being able to research the two Montana cases you mentioned before commenting further. thank you
  13. brilliant - thank you Unfortunately too many people conflate being uncomfortable, challenged or offended with being "harmed".
  14. I withdrew an earlier comment because it offended someone I respect and care quite a bit about. In regards to people seeing things differently, I'd like to offer this humble testimony instead: "I have very close, dear friends whose ideologies and experiences are VASTLY different than mine (including my own brother whom I love as much or more as any human being on the planet) Somehow through the fog of our differences, we focus on those things we see between us what we have in common, and we love and accept each other for those things. As friends on this journey, we've learned in these divisive times to intentionally steer clear of the rocky coast of our differences in order to not shipwreck what we have as friends. I believe to a great extent, our experiences in life define and shape us. Truthfully I know I would be a very, very different person without having had the experience of sitting up at 3am, listening to the near suicidal anguish of a good friends daughter, seeing first hand the fear in her eyes as she faced the decision to tell her parents she was gay. Without that experience I'm certain that like many others, I would likely see it as a "choice". I would also most likely not have the convictions I have had, had I not been a front-row witness to the inevitable, undeniable transition of another good friends daughter, and been a witness to the awe-inspiring power of a father's love that allowed him to at the same time grieve the loss of his "daughter" while genuinely embracing his new "son". The older I get and the more I experience - the more acutely aware I become of how much I really don't know. There is much less black and white for me then there used to be, and much more grey - infinitely more shades than 50 ... Howz that for a "full-circle segue"? 😇✌️ peace to ALL
  15. I believe there are some sensitive people who just don't do well on social media, including forums like this one.

    I also believe I'm one of them.

    I used to feel guilty about being "sensitive", as though it was something I was supposed to get over.  Worse yet (according to the culture), is being "overly sensitive".  For those who think that being sensitive means "easily offended", I'd like to offer a different perspective.  I'm not easily offended, but I am vulnerable to "feeling" things quickly and deeply, and the truth is, that's been a conscientious and intentional choice.

    We all get hurt at some point.  Life happens, disappointments occur, people betray us, dreams die, hope disappears...and when it happens we all face a choice going forward. We all get to decide on some version of either walling ourselves off so as to not get hurt again, or slowly, carefully and intentionally opening up again because we decide the risk of being hurt is worth the reward of "feeling" everything deeply.

    The rewards I've reaped from being here are immeasurable - I've found my soulmate and the love of my life here and adopted a handful of incredibly special people into my life as "family".  During one of the darkest periods of my life, the distraction this forum provided, as well as the support from it's community, in conjunction with new friendships provided a light at the end of a very long, dark, cold tunnel.

    When I inadvertently make a comment on a post that causes someone to threaten to cast aside what I believed to be a real, genuine friendship, it cuts me deeply.  It feels weak to admit that, but it does.  Whether or not the friendship survives this misunderstanding (and I hope it does), the point is that it makes me once again realize that it's way too easy to be misunderstood on social media, and for those of us who choose to easily & idealistically open our hearts, the wrong misunderstanding by the wrong person inevitably can leads to being really hurt.

    I doubt it's something I can change about myself at this point, even if I wanted to...

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. OhRedhead

      OhRedhead

      I realize that you don't know me, but I always find your comments insightful, well-balanced and fair (which is not always easy to do). I thought what you originally posted was brilliant. I'm sorry that someone was offended by it.

    3. brittygirl

      brittygirl

      I thought your comments on the topic were sensitive, well thought out, and presented nicely. I also want to offer you some advice that, as I’ve gotten older, has also held true— friendships sometimes end due to differences in core values, and that’s okay, and sometimes good. You may not realize how toxic a person is until something is triggered in them to show those true colors, and you shouldn’t have to feel bad for sticking to your values and sticking up for them as well. In the older generation we see people who are willing to grow and embrace viewpoints that may have been considered very taboo in their younger days, or you have people who let those viewpoints fester into hatred and unwillingness to grow. It’s those people’s responsibilities to decide where they fall, and if they don’t align with you and decide they never will, it’s okay to let them go. 

    4. rubyredd

      rubyredd

      @brittygirl- nicely stated.

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